darkness_falls

Worried, I have been hearing the same thing over and over from my AH. For years. Every time we take a step forward and I start to see an improvement and I think OK, this time it's gonna work. I'm starting to feel close to him again. I'm beginning to trust again. I think we can be happy and I think he'll overcome this. This time, I'm going to be the best that I can be for him because he cares enough to help himself-we take 2 steps back.

It's a never-ending circle. I don't want to leave. If alcoholism is a disease, I have to ask myself over and over again would I leave him if he had cancer or any other life-threatening disease? The answer is no. I'm not here to have all my questions answered or to bring anyone else down. I am here because here I don't feel so alone. The other posters are correct in that actions do speak louder than words. My concern is what stage is my AH really at and how much time does he have to get his life back?

Good luck to you.

Pick-a-name

You are wise to look for actions,not words. My ex and I had this discussion (probably about 15-20yrs ago) and he actually did cut back (never quit entirely) and kept things at a plateau for many years. Many would say he "switched addictions" at that time,to work. He started a business that became very successful,that he sold a few years ago for a very nice sum. I was deluded to think (hope) that drinking was not a problem,and tried to "raionalize" it sometimes,and his increasingly selfish behavior.

"Under the Influence" and other readings are a great idea, and the other suggestions,too. I also was helped by "Getting The Sober" (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for an online preview read).

Glad you are here;reading and posting has helped me sooooo much.

FormerDoormat

For years I tried to be the best I could be for my alcoholic boyfriend, and that was not good enough. According to him, I was the cause of all his woes. Then one day I started being the best I could be for ME and I soon realized that I had been tolerating deplorable behavior for years. It doesn't matter if alcoholism is a disease or not. Today, I will not tolerate deplorable behavior from anyone.

My life improved drastically the day I asked my boyfriend to leave. His life continued to spiral out of control. He drank himself to death 7 months ago. Apparently "my best" wasn't good enough to save him. I'm glad I didn't go along for the ride.

Barbara52

Do not equate cancer and alcoholism in your mind as that will provide yet another excuse for the A. Alcohol is a disease that involves an elements of choice you will not find in a disease such as cance. As choose to embrace their disease and continuing pooring the alcohol down their throats. Cancer victims do not.

darkness_falls

No. Definitely no equation between cancer/alcoholism but I was thinking more in terms of how much can the A control and how much can he/she not? I'm not sure if this question can be answered. Certainly not making excuses. Does anyone even know what causes it?

Barbara52

Does it matter really? It is and it is possible to fight it and win. But it takes wanting to fight and win before there can be success. An A can choose to not have another drink, not easily, but that choice is made by recovering alcoholics everyday with success. My brother has been an recovery alcoholic for 20+ years. He says its still a struggle sometimes but its a struggle he continues to want to win and does win.

darkness_falls

To answer your question, yes and no. I am anemic and because I know and understand what causes my condition, I know how to control it. I suppose you could say alcohol causes alcoholism but I think it's deep. I think it's emotional and something from within. Something that needs to be talked about and the sufferer needs to be counselled. I'm not one to hold in feelings. Things have to come out. There is much pain if the reward is expected to be great, but that's just me.

Barbara52

Oh I suppose the reasons a particular person becomes an alcoholic are as numerous as could be, genetic predispostion to addiction, issues from childhood, depression, anxiety, etc. That is why someone trying to quit drinking on their own without some sort of recovery program, whether that program is AA or someting else, rarely works. There are issues to be dealt with as the person fights the addiction.

darkness_falls

I believe you're right. There needs to be some sort of counselling. Will let you all know if we get to that point. Thanks for being here.

queenteree

B52, while I tend to agree with you totally on that one, this past weekend something happened w/my AH that really makes me realize the depth, severity and power of the disease of alcoholism. My AH got the most drunk I have ever seen him in all the years we've been together. He actually fell into three parked trucks within 10 mins or less, smashing his head open (has a concusion), blackening his eyes, fat lip, broken ribs and was actually knocked unconcious for 5 mins. in the last fall. Everyone who witnessed this said it was the most pathetic thing they had ever seen. Yet he says "that was a real wake up call" for him, now he knows he "can only drink beer, not hard stuff!" Seriously, he's still in so much pain, yet still continues to drink. That, to me, can't be a matter of choice.

Barbara52

Certainly not rational choice. But choice nonetheless unless there is someone there pouring the alcohol down his throat. Alcoholics are not thinking rationally (generally) but are making choices. To be aware that something is kiling you but to continue to do it anyway is a choice. The alternative choice would be to recognize that something is killing you and to reach out for help to fight that addiction.

tryingtoheal

My addiction counselor put like this: if people with cancer knew that there was a cure for their disease, they would surly not be laying around in the hospital on respirators, fed through tubes, etc. (terminal cases). They would do absolutely anything to cure it, no matter how hard. To prove his point, he took me on a walk to the cancer unit. I cried like a baby upon seeing their suffering. He did this to me to prove the point that addicts can be cured (AA, desire to stop, counseling, etc.) and they have the choice to do so. People with terminal cancer do not have the choice to seek a treatment to cure them. He took me to them because I was fighting my 'need' for rehab (in denial the first few days).

RosieM

Barb and everyone, my therapist compared an alcoholic who does not accept treatment to someone who has an open wound, bleeding all over everyone in his life and refusing to use a bandage! He gave me that analogy when I asked him about the disease question.

Barbara52

That's a good analogy RosieM. I'm going to remember that one.

denny57

I think there comes a time that the choice is more in choosing recovery. I think once the disease has progressed so far, the body is screaming for the alcohol, much like my body screams for food when it's hungry. I feed it; the alcoholic drinks. Recovery hopefully helps teach new ways of thinking and responding to the brain's messages to pick up that first drink.

QT, my heart breaks for you and your husband.

darkness_falls

This I can understand. What gets me is those in the same situation who continue to smoke, for instance. Could it be because they just don't see any hope? I knew someone who was terminal with cancer and in the hospital and in denial even then! I still believe they have the choice to seek treatment to quit drinking. I just don't believe they can always get to that point and that is where I am having difficulty. It's hard for me to understand how much of the desire to stop comes from self and how much of it is something they can't control. I'm not living life with blinders on. I am an optimist by nature and I have great difficulties accepting that we can control every aspect of something like this. I really do because at least in my AH's situation, there are a lot of other underlying, unaddressed issues. Sorry for rambling. I'm so wound up I don't even think I'm making any sense anymore.

hope2bhappy

Mine was. It had nothing to do with choice when it reached that point.

rkymtncowboy

My wife didn't drink much either during the Honeymoon period. One thing she did do that concerned me was have a 151 Rum in the morning, that should have been a warning sign. She has almost killed herself twice, a month in the hospital the last time with a 7% chance of making it through.
Maybe you shouldn't say anything to him and see if his drinking accelerates.

tryingtoheal

Darkness Falls, I feel you, I feel your great pain and confusion.

Even though I was a Vicodin addict for almost two years, I still cannot explain my behavior or the reasons I was intent on staying addicted. I can tell you a million reasons why I started, but they all amount to excuses and lame attempts to shut off my mind. I.e. I was raped, I had an alcoholic dad, I was raised by a perfectionist, I was hit as a child occasionally, I have big feet, I am one of those 'lucky' women who are unfortunate enough to be skinny no matter what they (not as great as it sounds!!), I am the middle child, my dog died when I was only three years old, etc.

My own mind was so warped that NO ONE could get through to me, not even myself (was forced into rehab after cutting wrists and was discovered by family, who sent me to mental ward). If you saw me, you'd never in a million years guess that I had ever cut myself, let alone spent 72 hours on suicide watch. I just did not care enough to even consider the harm I was doing to my liver, hurt to my family, etc. The whole disease is baffling!!!! I sooooo wish I could explain it, but even as a former addict, I cannot. I guess that is why I am here in SR...my exbf is ab alcoholic and so is my dad. You'd think with my experience I could at least explain a few things, but I can't. Insanity is the only explanation...and addiction/alcoholism is the definition of insanity!!!