hbb

Hi guys!

In the past few months i've turned things around for the best that i know how in a healthy way (help i should have seeked out years ago for myself), trying not to look back. My exabf left in July and haven't spoken a word to him since then. I agree with no contact but hearing alot of contact on here sometimes gets me down that i'm not worth it. Anyways, i've been in therapy, gone back to the gym, lost 32 lbs., getting busy with friends again BUT still have those "i lost" feelings come and go.

I was talking with my dad the other day and said to him that i feel like "i lost" and he said as he saw it "i won". I said how do you mean and he said that i should look at is as now i have a second chance at a great life now that i'm out of the drama and chaos of his life, the financial issues, depression, lack of ambition and the list goes on. Feeling with the turn of events that he didn't just stab me with the cheating and lying but then turned the knife 85 times. He's back with his exgf and it's killing me. Seeing his stupid truck there and stuff like that breaks my heart in half. I know he did me a favor but i'm now getting those holiday blues and i can't even say they were great with him but i'm feeling lonely. I've taken all your advice and have done things for me but it never seems to be enough to get through for a long period of time.

I guess my question is, is if you were left for someone else how do you get past that "i'm not worthy" feeling and that he has never looked back.

I know living my own happy life is the best thing but getting there is very difficult. Are there every and consequences for this sort of treatment????

dakota69

Staying the course is hard. Very hard. I'm sorry you are feeling down and lonely. I wasn't left for another woman, but I was left for a can of Budweisser. That's how I feel. And it does suck. And I beleive with time it will get better and better. But the fact that I basically told him it was me or the beer and he chose the beer...that hurts. He hasn't once asked me to come back to him. He hasn't once told me what he would do to get me back. I feel totally lonely and rejected.
In the meantime, he's living the cushy life in the house that I'm still paying half for while I'm living out of tupperware bins at my dad's house. Nice. Trying to be cooperative with him and give him time to get all his 'ducks in a row', but he's just draggin it out.
Anyways, not meaning to hijack here...
Just wanted you to know that though my AH hasn't gone to another girl (as far as I know)...yet...I feel the rejection, the loneliness, the 'I'm not worthy'. For me, so far, it gets a little better little by little with time.
Maybe that's all there is to it. Just more time.
And the holidays certainly have a tendency to make me nostalgic...perhaps that is part of it as well.
Keep strong, and keep staying the course. It HAS to get better. Becuase could it possibly get any worse???

I'll be hoping and praying for you throughout the holidays and after...

Dakota.

hbb

((((Dakota)))) Oh i'm so sorry for what you are going through (i teared up reading) especially him being your husband. Sometimes i feel selfish for posting here as we were not married but it's me, not him that im trying to help and heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this hard time and i too believe that more time does help.

wraybear

Heather, so sorry you are feeling this way. I have felt the same way like Dakota describes. It is a nasty feeling and then I always felt guilty for feeling that way.

The only thing I can offer you is to tell you something that helps me. When I get to feeling down, the best thing I can do is do something to help someone else. I know you have probably heard this before, but it really truly works.

What do you enjoy doing?

do you like to cook? if so, bake some breads or cookies, wrap them up, tie a bow around them and deliver them to some old friends, co-workers, a homeless shelter. Or, secretly place them on people's porches with a little note that you were thinking of them. And, turn on some good music and sing your heart out!

do you like to talk /play games? go to a senior citizen center or homeless shelter - they are always looking for volunteers.

I know this may not sound like "fun" but it may just help you feel better. It can't hurt!

Take care.

MsGolightly

i think you just get past it by doing things that make you worthy. like wraybear said above me, doing things like volunteering or helping others or doing something you're good at can be great. living the best life you can, living each day as if it could be your last, and surrounding yourself with good company will make you feel worthy over time.

throughout the past few months, i personally feel like i've gotten over my rejection, and my ex is with someone else now. at first, i thought i would die. but as the months passed, i started to hang out with new people and do new things, and i realize that it's pretty rare now that i even think about my relationship or my "rejection" at all. i can reflect back on great nights i've had during the past month, and i can see how none of these good times would have happened if i was still tied to an alcoholic... and it makes me thankful. i consider myself lucky now that my ex cared about me and respected me enough to let me go.

you'll get there too, heather! do things you love with people you love, and pretty soon you'll forget all about him and the hurt you feel about him being with his ex will slowly diminish. it'll still always be there, but it'll get less strong every day. i'm living proof!

SaTiT

Sorry that your going throught this. HHB

I feel if thou I've been drop on my head with my Agf and by god.
yes, thats about how i feel 50% of the time.
I've gone through break ups before..but after this time, I'm
just tired. I notice those thoughts creeps in more when I'm
tired. I know it's okay for me to feel hurt..yes even after
5-6 months.

if he never looked back ?
I don't know..you wish you where that luckie.lol
as soon as the shiet hits the fan...I'll get a ring or two.

it will pass... when you are ready to move forward you will.

i know i'm capiable of it..becuase through all of the chaos,
all of the madness, I've had feelings for someone else.
I didn't at first becuase i didn't know wtf??? after two years
of the madness I finally started dating her , when my Agf
went on a run and i didn't see her for months.
I was still tenitive and not sure
But i would had falling in love with her easily, but wasn't going
to rush it. I've open up myself to this person , while my Agf
was too busy gambling, getting drunk or high.

It kind of F with me in a way..becuase ya see..when i think
of "what if"...it's not always about my Agf.

If my Agf would had never look back instead of crashing
and forcing her way back in breaking into my apt and
passing out, and calling this other person and dystroying
that relationship....
Ya see...I wasn't that luckie.lol

so today..i might feel a little bit beaten and tired.
and my mind plays mind trips on me..my emotions
arn't heal...bascailly I'm not well.
I don't feel like rushing out to get involved with anyone.
I know i'm capiable of having feelings for someone else.
and i know some women fine me attractive...hopefully not the
crazy ones the next time.lol

CBrown

Oh Heather ... I really feel for you. We have a lot of parallels in our stories, as we both found out a couple months ago.

I know definitely that it is the Holidays that bring me down, with or without thinking about the XABF. The shorter days don't help me either!

It has been a slow process, but I have either become more numb, or time has simply made me care less about what my XABF did. I have been blessed with finding another victim of R's, and she has helped me so much! When I'm tempted to mentally go back to Lalaland about him, she keeps me in reality about how he really was. When I do hear from people who live in his marina, the stories aren't good either. R's houseboat has rats, the rats ate through the plumbing, his bilge filled with sewage, and he hasn't the mental capacity to take care of the problem. The talk is increasing down there that he should be committed. Wow! Am I glad I'm not part of that scene anymore or WHAT?

But none of that has anything to do with ME getting my mind out of Key Largo and his life. So what I did was get my butt in gear and focus on things that would keep my mind off him. I started violin lessons using my daughter's violin. My 3rd lesson is this Saturday. I also bought a used guitar and my daughter and I have been putzing around with it. My horse's trainer is looking for his own training facility, so I've been trying to help him wherever I can with researching repairs and all that. Our church was doing Thanksgiving bags for the needy, so I did one of those. And lastly, work has been good.

Heather, I DO think about R, hope and pray for some kind of miracle for him. I still am waiting for the last set of papers to come in so we can try to get him into involuntary treatment, but he is definitely not my priority anymore. Four months ago if I would have heard about the sewage in his houseboat I would have panicked and flown into action trying to get it fixed. Now I feel no emotion, just thoughts like "Hope he and the fiancee are able to get out of that pickle" or "Glad I'm not dealing with his mouth, because I know he's abusing her over this latest development."

I used to have that "I lost" feeling too, but that has faded. Your dad is so so so right! Read your sentence about that over and over. You DID win!!!!

Barbara52

I recently found out STBXAH is carrying on an online romance with a 20 something woman. My initial reaction was disbelief that he's doing this 2 months after begging me to return. But, other than that, it just doesn't matter to me. He is welcome to find someone else and run his life as he pleases. I am doing the same (minus the looking for a new partner), working on me and enjoying life as it is now and is unfolding. His moving on to another partner (online only or in the real world) is no longer part of my world. It does not mean anything in terms of what I see as my self worth or value or anything. Its on his side of the sandbox, not mine.

Coming to separate what is my issue and what is his issue helped me greatly in being able to see myself and move forward. I know I escaped from a relationship that was destructive. I didn't lose anything other than dreams that weren't based in reality. I like dealing with reality over pipedreams.

denny57

I can't move forward if I'm waiting for consequences for someone else. It's out of my control. I choose each and every day to stay stuck or get on with it. It's simple, but not easy.

hbb

You are all so right, and i read here and read here and it seems so simple but putting it into action is tougher than i thought. I do keep busy ALL the time but somehow my brain returns to his face

Denny, i know exactly what you mean and it's true, i won't lie for some reason i think i would feel better if i heard the other shoe dropped on his end but i probably won't feel any better. I think because now i've moved onto anger, now i'm just waiting but i know that's not healthy either. I have to keep reminding me that point blank, he has nothing that i want in life because he has nothing period. I have wants and desires that can't happen with someone like him but it hurts that she just swooped in, said what she needed to say and he was like her little puppy and followed her lead.

Barbara52

So far, my STBXAH hasn't had the other shoe drop. He's deep in denial on what his life is from my point of view. But my point of view isn't the only one. He's being supported by all sort of folks whom he has convinced that I am an evil witch. {shrug} Doesn't effect me in the slightest because his life is increasingly separate from mine and he has the right to live as he chooses. Its not my place to wish consequences on him. Lord knows I don't want that sort of power over anyone! I've also gotten to the point where I wouldn't take any sort of pleasure/enjoyment/satisfaction if he did bear consequences. I truly want him to become a healthier person living life fully.

hbb

Barbara,

I guess bottom line is that i'm bitter because throwing cheating, sneaking away and looking me in the face and lying has me at this stage unfortunately. I don't wish him ill but i do not wish him well in this relationship. I do think he is a horrible person for going about treating me that way. I don't wish him to drink or anything like that, i hope he does get healthier for himself but for me, the fact of the matter is that the grass isn't always greener. I'm hurt, deeply hurt as nothing on my end should have brought on such terrible treatment. How do i ever trust again? My guard is up completely and i hate that feeling but i won't be burned a 3rd time

Barbara52

Heather, nope, nothing you did justifies him causing you pain. You have every right to be angry. Perhaps its time to embrace and work thru that anger so you can move beyond it?

Not long after I left AH I actively sought out my angers, voiced them in a number of ways and then worked on ways to let it go.

For me, part of letting go the anger was turning to my HP and putting AH in my HPs hands. Part of it was truly forgiving my AH for the pain he caused me. It took time and prayer and a number of anger exercises to get to that point. When I did, I was able to let it go and move on.

Some of the anger exercises I used are:

Carrying on the angry conversations with him sometimes only in my head, sometimes out loud (by myself).

Punching pillows, throwing pillows, stomping around while holding one of those one sided conversations.

Long conversations with my HP about how He allowed this to happen to me. (Which lead to understanding that I was the one who allowed it all to happen to me.)

DetachMe9

No one thing helps me with this issue, so it's good to have a variety of "tools" in one's pocket to use depending on the day/mood. Here's today's tool for me, as I'm also dealing with my AH doing the same thing: I'm breaking it down to the most simplified version of relationships/addiction, trying to remove all the uniqueness, specialness of "us" and seeing it very plainly. I married an alcoholic and he is currently in the active phase of his illness. He is not insanely acting out, abusive, or crazily dysfunctional but he is nevertheless NOT IN RECOVERY. I am currently IN RECOVERY, working my program and spending ever-increasing time setting limits/not enabling. This is creating a basic crisis in our relationship, which boils down to 2 primary possible endings: He will seek recovery and we may continue into a new phase of our married lives, OR he will choose not to seek recovery and will find a new enabler/codie.

Nothing personal, right? Easier said than done, as I could cry you a river on a daily basis of all things I've done in this marriage that were "bad", how unworthy and rejected I feel when I see how easily the women line up for him when he's "out", how big my thighs are, all the memories I have of screaming his inventory at him, how great he smells, etc. etc. I could bury myself alive with guilt, self-righteousness, anger, denial, control. I just want to be able to come out the other side of this mess with my SELF intact. That's all I want at this point, and there's no turning back now.

hopeangel

hey heather, i know what it is like to be left for someone else by a girl that my ex took MY engagement ring out of my dresser and gave it to her and married her one month later! can you imagine another girl wearing your engagement ring! i can tell you that it took me well over a year to work through that. i will caution that it does wreck havoc on the self esteem and it does cause depression. therapy was VERY benifical to me at that time. with the therapy and anti-depressants for a VERY short period of a few months i was able to come to terms with things and more importantly myself. the point is, with the proper help to deal with it -IT IS ONLY TEMPORARY!

anger is just one phase of the mourning process. it can be very healthy-let it motivate you and push you forward. the next i believe is acceptance. so you are well on your way to complete recovery from this.

since you are in the anger stage maybe letting you know that it could be worse would help - you could have married to him. i'm married to a man who's first love is beer and i can say that is a much worse feeling for me and much harder for me to come to terms with.

take care hon!!!

MsGolightly

i felt this way too, for a long time. but lately, over the past month or so, i've started to think that i want things to work out with my ex and the person she cheated on me with and left me for. more than anything, i want her to be happy, healthy, and sober, and i'm hoping she'll be able to find all of this with her new "love." i'm kind of glad she has someone else looking out for her now, who hopefully has her best interests at heart. i was extremely angry and bitter at first, but as the weeks go by, i'm able to see that i really do believe that everyone has someone out there that's meant for them. maybe they were just meant for each other and i was a stepping stone along the way. sure, it hurt a lot at first, but it helps me to put it in perspective. i can tell that i've gotten a heck of a lot healthier a long the way, now that i can wish the best for her instead of wanting karma to kick her butt!

i would suggest to keep doing what you've been doing. eat healthy, sleep well, work hard, love and laugh, and things will fall into place. if there's something you want to work on in your life, now's the time to do it! i've found when i've put more value into myself and my life, good people come flocking into it. keep it up!!

CBrown

"How do i ever trust again? My guard is up completely and i hate that feeling but i won't be burned a 3rd time"

Hoo boy, we're in the same boat with THAT one! I have zero interest in dating. I think I'm numb in that department too. I could go to a bar, or I could go to my church's Solo Flight meetings, and there's no guarantee that the next guy wouldn't be a psychopath, too! I hate to think that I'll never have male companionship again, but I don't know how to go about trusting someone again. Anyone else have input?

hbb

Oh, just got in from being out the "night before Thanksgiving" gosh i used to love to go out this night every year but apparently folks my age don't do it because it seemed like i was a chaperone!!!!!!!! Anyway, i'm now getting into the "firsts" of the holidays and the memories are bumming me out but i know that i survived them before J and i will survive them this time too!!!

CB - trust is so hard for me now because he came off too good to be true in how he treated me. He adored me and it felt good so now i think everyone's going to turn out like him but i have to work on changing that way of thinking.

SaTiT

okay..trust is the issue..I just say
" I'm not ready or in a hurry to go out and get into a relationship.
or I'm not well"lol

It's a normal thing for you to be going throught this...at least i
think it's part of the process.
Maybe you're coming to that stage by saying
" I need to change that type of thinking"

It's slow i know...As each moment gose by. I'm slowly beging to
be able to seperate that..trust of my Agf and everyone else.
Not totally clear. but I'm recognizing stuff like..or bascailly saying
the samething your saying.lol I need to change that. I want to
change that..i hope god change that.

I was struggling with almost that samething..it's intergrated.
For a while there..I couldn't serperate if i stop loving my Agf
I would stop loving everyone else too. I'm not struggling
as mcuh as i use to and I'm not totally well.lol
I'm still a bit sensitive to a lot of things at the moment.
When I get down or there a slight confrontation..
which is just communicating..I totally shut down emotionally.
I'm recogonzing it. It's not too healthy..and i need to change that.lol

My personality is not so much of drama..i just shut down
So when it comes to trusting or wanting to love again.
I'm still in the shutting down stage. I'm awear of it.
and awearness it a good start becuase I'm not in denial of those
behaviors anymore. i want to let go of them..but i can't force
it. i need time. This is where time is my allie.

belive me..i want to be able to jump out bed and jump for joy
but I'm not there yet. so I'm being gental and patient with myself.
i can't judge myself or compair myself to others.
I'm exactly where I'm suppost to be. So i guess i'm loving myself
more and more each day through this process.

hbb

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!


SaTiT~ I think that's it, i'm just not ready and need to do more work on me for now. Unfortunately i've been that person to put a timeline on things. Like i should be married by X age and kids by Y age and house by Z age which i'm finding that it doesn't have to be that way.

I"m trying to love myself, it's tough and i'm definately trying to get there. I'm so used to putting everyone else in front of me and my needs that i don't know who i even am. Anyways, I'm trying not to get sad that he's probably at her house for the holiday and everything's hunky dorey!! Probably not the case as i should know better. But i will make the most of today.