tryingtoheal

Can someone please explain the 'no contact' concept to me? Does it mean that when you leave you say to them, "Unless you get help, we will have no contact until you get better..."?

Thanks for the help! I am finally just going to see my abf and officially make him my ex, soley based on his alcoholism. There are a hundred reasons, but I am planning to tell him needs to get help, and until then, we're done. I also want to tell him I will support him through it. Can this be done if decides that he will go to treatment, or should I have 'no contact' with him until he gets clean? We have no kids and I've left his house. Very little speaking has been had between us over the past two weeks, but we are going to see each other next week to 'talk.'

I know it may be enabling to support him, or is it? I am confused how to leave him and also support him. He knows he's in trouble with his drinking issues. We've shared six years together...so I want to remain his friend, but not his girlfriend if doesn't get treatment.

ARealLady

Trying....I broke off with XABF by telling him (via email and I didn't like doing it that way but we were long distance) that I (not we) was going no contact and therefore breaking off with him until he had been working a 12 step programme for at least a year.

Since, for me, no contact means NO CONTACT, I could not offer support even as a friend much as I wanted to. And then, I have to admit, he had been treating me very much as if I wasn't his friend at all (probably the disease!) so, frankly, I didn't much feel as if I wanted to be his friend at the time of breaking things off. I didn't want to make him promises that he could misinterpret. I had no desire to hold his hand while he got himself sober. Yeah...I felt like a bi*ch, cried myself to sleep and woke up crying too. He got really nasty, accusatory and threatening. That behaviour put an end to my tears and reinforced the no contact.

I don't know how it's all going to be in the future. Maybe IF he does get help and works that programme he won't want anything more to do with me. In the meantime, I am getting on with my life because that's all I can do.

Hugs!....I know this is not easy.

ARL

GiveLove

In your case, trying, in which you refuse to see him unless he's in some kind of treatment, I think it's different from "no contact." Unless, like ARL, it's "do not write, call, email, or come near me until you have been in treatment and sober for a year."

You seem to be setting a boundary: No efforts at recovery = no possibility of a relationship with me

Be forewarned: "being his friend" sends him the signal that he still has a chance with you no matter what he decides to do. That's very thin ice to tread.

How will you define "getting better"? What is your precise boundary - what exactly does he have to do, and for how long, before he is permitted to contact you again? How many months/years of sobriety must he have? How will you plan to verify this? These are the questions you must clarify. Leaving it all open to interpretation will just hurt both of you in the long run...

Also, what is the boundary if he relapses? What are his consequences?

In my case, "no contact" came when I realized that I wasn't willing to live with the threat of endless relapses and chaos. No contact meant I was done with the rollercoaster. It sounds like you're willing to ride it for a while longer to see what happens, and that's a bit different.

TexasGirl

Hi there,
For me, I decided to "go no contact" when I first moved out because I knew I would be very vulnerable to his words. I was certain that if I gave him enough time talking to me, convincing me that he would stop or be okay, I would end up right where I had been again. Distance was key for me. It was really hard to never answer his calls. In fact, I tortured myself further by listening to the endless long messages he left, but I didn't ever call him back or answer. I was just too scared of giving in to him...the torment I put myself through wondering if I should stay or go was too hard to want to ever repeat.

After about 4 months of avoiding him, we finally started to talk some. There was the divorce to deal with and the sale of the house. By then, I had created enough distance emotionally that I knew I wouldn't be conned into coming back. Today (16 months later), we probably chat once every few weeks. It doesn't cause me any emotional pain anymore, so it's nice to touch base sometimes.

All of that to say, I think that no contact is about protecting yourself. I couldn't talk to him when I knew it would hurt or lure me back. I could a little when I got stronger. I have no problem with it now since I have completely moved on and because he is currently maintaining sobriety. If that changes, the last thing I need is a conversation with someone who is that kind of drunk, so I would change things at that point.

Miss Pink

if your leaving is to try to get him to get sober, it wont work.

If your leaving to save your own life and sanity, then no contact is required, imo.

Whats the real motive? Once you have that, you will have freedom to choose.

I found I cannot support him while getting sober and having no contact at the same time. After a year of continued sobriety and obvious change in behavior, then I will *consider* contact. Saying hes getting sober is not the same as behaving sober.

tryingtoheal

I am leaving because of his alcoholism...and to save my own sanity. I have tried everything else, he's sought 'help' on three seperate occassions and never followed through. He's promised me he'll 'slow down' but then he speeds up. I am saving myself by leaving; he can drown in beer if he so chooses, but I will not be dragged down any further with him. This last two weeks were my breaking point. I am beyond hurting...I feel like he shot me full of lead and I am sinking into the ocean.

He is the typical functional alcoholic, so I am not getting my hopes up too high that he will agree to treatment, as he is too far sunk into denial. I just want him to know that this is breaking my heart to pieces that I am leaving him, and I want him to know how far his alcoholism has progressed in the six years I've been with him. I intend to support him fully when or if he decides to go, but as far as remaining his gf, I am not sure if I can do it anymore unless his BEHAVIORS change, not just if his stops. Does that make sense?

Mr. Christian

Its pretty simple, no contact, is no contact.

cagefree

For me, "No Contact" includes the following:
* No answered or returned phone calls
* Immediate deletion of voice messages (unheard)
* Returned mail
* Deletions of emails (unread)
* If XABF shows up at my house and won't leave I will push the police button on my new ADT system.
* No contact through 3rd parties

I do have action plans ready to follow should he try to contact me in case some crisis occurs in his life that will keep me out of it. I also have an action plan in place - a short-sweet and to the point sentence to utter should he approach me in a public place and a plan of what to do if he won't leave me alone.

It sounds drastic. Everyone's situation is different. I'm the most important thing in my life and worth every ounce of protection. It sounds so strange to do all of this to protect myself and in the next breath honestly wish him well and hope he finds and stays with recovery. Guess that's the codie in me speaking.

And after 8 months of this he finally got it and has stopped trying to contact me (knock on wood!)