Gettingstronger1

MY ah is in rehad a 30 day facility. Great, but do I really want to spend my life with someone who is ALWAYS going to have to working something instead of just enjoying life. Do I want to be with someone who can relapse at anytime? Someone who has done such selfish, rude, and horrible things. I'm tired of him, he's a huge pain. SOber or not, I don't know if I want this. Why should I have to deal with it, it's not my problem. His intervention guys said I should work the AL Anon program and get a sponser. I don't feel like doing that. I'm just venting a bit and would appreciate any feed back. I have done AL Anon in the past and it's a GREAT program, it's just annoying to always have to be working on something instead of just relaxing and enjoying life.

denny57

I've been attending Al-Anon for almost 3 years. It was very intense at the beginning, but it isn't anymore. Today, I "work" the program in many ways, but don't feel I'm "working" it anymore. It just has become a way of life.

I am more relaxed than I have been in years, and I was pretty relaxed before, even living with alcoholism. I don't just enjoy my life, I love it.

I think it's great your husband is in rehab, but I don't believe I should stay with someone just because they are alcoholic/recovering. I owe it to myself to live the life I want - for now, it's the only one I know I have.

briliantdisguis

ive been thinking along the same lines. my xabf is out of his facility and working on staying sober.

we decided it would be better to try it apart for a while. he suggested two weeks...i suggested a lot longer. there is so much that i want from a relationship. someone to rely on for one. i dont know. two days ago i would have said, yes were going to get back together and try to make this work but today... today im wondering if its worth all the aggrevation and struggle on MY end.

I dont know if that helped you out at all...but youre not the only one who is wondering if its worth it. why suffer so much for someone who does or does not appreciate it. someone who will or will not remain sober. and what happens down the line? moving i together? raising a family? what happens when/if he relapses?

i dont know. sometimes its too much for me to handle. my cousin grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. i dont want that for my children. not in the least.

good luck.

kristin

hadenoughnow

I know exactly how you feel, I am going to continue counseling and working a program but am leaving my AH.

kglast

I had similar thoughts at one time...sounds like you have some decisions to make!! Best wishes.

SaTiT

My codependendcy has nothing to do with my GF.
My codependency gets me more compatiable with an alcoholic.
She wasn't the first person I lost myself to.

Codependency is not just in an intimate relationship...at least not for me.

GiveLove

When you were younger, and you dreamed about having a life partner, what did it look like? Who did you admire, who did you hope for, which relationships were you jealous of because they seemed so much like the one YOU wanted some day to have?

Think about what you want and need -- and deserve -- out of a lifelong relationship. What words would you use? How would you describe it to someone else, if you were living your desired relationship? If you let yourself daydream about a partner/partnership, what would it look like? Mutually supportive, trusting, lots of laughter, doing things together, growing together as people, having the right mix of togetherness & not-togetherness, etc. etc. etc.? Make your own list...I'm just putting down mine.

It's the answers you give yourself that matter. Is your marriage exactly what you want out of life, except for the spectre of alcohol? Or are there other things about him that have always drained you of happiness?

LaTeeDa

I am one of the wives who did not stay with my husband even though he has found recovery. My decision wasn't based on how hard it would be, living with the possibility of relapse, or the the difficulty of making the relationship work. My husband's addiction made me take a good long look at myself. Made me ask why I chose the relationship to begin with, and what I wanted my life to be.

In the end, I realized that we were together for all the wrong reasons. That we would likely never help and encourage each other to be who we were meant to be. In short, we are better apart than we ever were or could be together.

I encourage you to search your heart and soul for what is right for you and your life. But, don't make the decision based on how hard it is to stay with him, because I am here to tell you that's it's hard whatever you choose. Life is a challenge. And now that I'm coming to know myself, I wouldn't have it any other way.

L

P.S. In case you don't know my story, we were together almost 20 years and have two children.

harleygirl92156

That "something" you work on in Al anon is YOURSELF.

Personally, I don't EVER want to relax and enjoy life enough that I ever stop working on improving myself, from the inside out.

AL ANON IS NOT ABOUT THE ALCOHOLIC (seems many new to recovery don't realize this, I know I didn't) IT IS ABOUT YOU.

I remember being angry when my hubby went to treatment, I didn't think there was anything wrong with ME, it was all HIM!!! I had a counselor recommend to me that I give it one year, I figured I could do one year standing on my head, after all I had already endured many years of hell with him, so I agreed to give it one year. I attended the spouses groups at the treatment center for that full year, I attended Al anon 3-4 times a week, I went to individual counseling, in a nutshell, I worked on ME.

It will be three years Dec 5th and we are still together, he is still sober, he attends AA and I Al anon several times weekly, our life style has changed and our marriage is good, not great, but better than it was and the kind of relationship I am proud to have with my husband.

I guess the only thing I can say or do is to pass along the advice given to me........work on yourself ie Al anon, counseling, any programs that might be available through his treatment center, for one year. Don't worry about is program, be selfish and concentrate on YOU for a change.

Best of luck
God Bless

LaTeeDa

BTW, just so you know, I did give it some time. About 18 months we spent trying to reconcile. There is no hurry to decide. Take your time and make the decision that is best for you.

L

sad#3

Yes because I love her, I will not divorce her but I will live separately from her until she stops drinking. It's her choice.

sad#3

I hear so many people praising al-anon, but I never here specifics... My guess is that it isn't for everyone and probably not me.. I'm not a very social person and don't need the contact.. It's very time consuming and costly as well, you have to believe the payoff is worth the effort and I haven't been convinced.... As I said, noone has provided specifics.

LaTeeDa

Alanon is not costly, it is free. If you want to be convinced, or not, then go. You have nothing to lose.

L

tollbooth

You will hear people quoting the Alanon mantra "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Your idea of relaxing and enjoying life so far has included the alcoholic's "selfish, rude, and horrible" actions. You have to look inside of yourself to see if you desire to continue with this contradiction, or move along.

For myself, I desired to move along, although my A is in complete denial of her problems. At least in your situation, the A is trying to rehab. Is your relationship valuable enough to apply the effort required? Only you can answer that, GS!

geees poncho

Alanon & AA are self supporting groups, a $ or 2 for coffee and to keep the lights on. cheap at twice the price. the healing commoradery & knowledge are priceless.
these are every day people, shareing their experiance, strength & hope. To recover from the insanity of alcohol & drug abuse, the program could be used by every one in this society, the goal is to learn some sort of guide lines for a healthy mental life style. you take what you like & leave the rest, we learn to listen to SUGGESTIONS. From many many many wise people, ourselves.:day4

Rella927

There has been some great advice in this thread-I would like to add my 2 cents-

No one can tell you what to do or what program to work-they can "suggest it" just as many here have. When I first started Al-Anon it was annoying to me as well but only because I was not working the program-and nothing was changing. When I started to work what I learned in Al-Anon my life became easier and I began to and still do look forward to my meetings!

IMHO if we were not in the situations that all of us are here in SR and we were one of those people out in the world who had a great up bringing and no alcohol in our lives etc...people that I use to see on the street or anywhere in the past when I was not so healthy I would look at them and say "wow they have the perfect life" I do not in all honesty believe that to be true now as I see life more clear-and we all know "No one is perfect" life is not perfect-
So remove the A's and remove our co-dependency and what do you have?? You will IMHO still have the everyday struggles of life! Whatever they maybe-

So the point I'm trying to make is that even if you did not have an A husband-and there were other struggles in the marriage or in your own life-with yourself-would you walk away or try to make things work? That question can only be answered by you-Do you want to do the work to get better for yourself? I believe that we will always need to do work with ourselves in order to strive for a happy life, a life that we want to live-co-dependent/Alcohol or not and that is our choice! No one elses but ours!

It took me many years to realize that even without my co-dependency life is life and in order to live it I need to fix the things I can and leave what is out of my control and not dwell or make myself crazy about it! After my husband passed away I thought my life was over.......the truth is my life was just beginning-

Now it is your turn to let yours begin!