dgrass

My name is Debbie, I have been posting under sgrass(my husband) he found this site for us-I haven't been able to focus on anything!! Let me tell u about my family I have two sons one just shy of 18 one 10. 2 dogs, house etc. typical middle class family. My nightmare became aware to me in August. My son was the great kid, shy but really polite, atheltic,great grades captain of the football and wrestling team ,honor roll a kid that west point was really interested in , a kid who had never been in trouble.My Family happy,we get along ,I really thought my son was close to me!My husband is his step-father but has raised him since he was 6,they also have a good relationship. His friends started to change,but he kept them a secret, he is so smart, he really kept up playing sports etc, This was suppose to be a great year!! Well that came to an end The Day after his opening season game, He wanted to go off with his friends(ones I didn't know ) His bio-dad said let him go I had that gut feeling-He went , Dad gave him money---Next day he got caught stealing from Wal-mart-with money in his pocket-and pot but they didn't find that; fishing stuff is what he stole,I had to go to get him,we come from a small town news travels fast.He was not himself,called his Dad told him somethings not right, well when dad got here about 1 hour later -lives in another town. We could hardly get him awake,his Dad was going to take him but he refused to go,meanwhile I got ahold of one of his good friends(trying to protect him) got her to come clean-Found out he had been drinking,using pot, cocaine, and cough medicines, also found out he had been cutting himself , and took a bunch of pills to end his life, but someone made him throw up. So we called 911 and he told them he wanted to kill himself.How and when did all this happen?I am the Mom who stays up to make sure nothing is wrong when he went out,joke on me.So they baker acted him he was in the hospital for 5 days, we tried to get him into a rehab home,but our insurance wouldn't pay and we couldn't afford it!! So his Dad took Family leave and took him to Texas where he went to a councler for a month--then he came back home-he decide not to go back to school,just get his dipolma from the ged program-he was going keep clean and away from the kids he was using with!!! It was our understanding that if he came home he was going to have rules,no seeing the kids he used with, no lying, etc. Going to go to school start College in Jan. well he came on Oct 10 and by Nov 13 guess what ? His friend called and somehow did 3 way,because he wanted her to lie for him-HE was with his users--I told him if you want to stay here you can ,but we will be finding a meeting or something or you can chose to leave-can't stand the lying through all of this I found out he is a master at lying!!! He chose the later of course, nothing but empty promises and lies on his part without blinking an eye and to boot it is my fault ,I am to controlling etc etc.When he was in the Hospital he made a statement that I never followed through with threats, well I did this time I AM SCARED!!!!should I have told him to chose-He lost so much his football,wrestling, scholarship and senior year-is that not enough-He chose not to go back to school,he could have went back and stepped right back into his sports ,he chose not to , why do I feel guilty?Some people tell me I over-reacted,it is only pot,well he said himself in a family meeting that he when he had pot, he wanted something more, said he just can't get high enough, wants to try it all .some people say ignorance is bliss but for me I found out everything in August so it can never be just a joint or drink he said so himself--Sorry so long wanted people to know the whole story-plus I needed to get this off my chest--Did I over react?????he has been gone 5 days now the worst of my life so far!!!My heart and soul HURT!!!!thank you for listening--GOD BLESS YOU that have been through and are going through it--This is a nightmare!!!!!!!!:praying

CatsPajamas

Hello Debbie and welcome to SR. There are a LOT of moms here with stories similar to yours. My son was an all state player in Texas with tremendous scholarship potential. He had a career ending injury early in his senior year. He went from being an A/B student to graduating from the alternative learning center. He's now 23 years old and still struggling in his life.

Your son has been thru treatment and you've told him your boundaries. Apparently he's not done yet trying to figure out things on his own. You aren't overreacting - you're doing what most of us moms do. We worry and wonder what we can do differently to protect our kids.

The truth is, the best thing you can do is to learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction. What helped me was to find an Al Anon meeting and to go. OFTEN. It is one place where people listen to me and they understand.

More moms will be along soon to share their experience strength and hope.

HUGS from mom to mom.

Cats

dgrass

Thanks cats and to anyone else.It is hard to face when your kids do everything that you have taught them not to do!! I keep asking myself what went wrong, was I not a good enough mom? am i doing what I am suppose to-Will he hate me forever? lots and lots of questions---I am going to try and find a meeting--I did talk to someone I was seeing a counsler,after this happened in August because I was so upset--got better-because I thought he was going to do right--back in the same boat , but now he is not with people that love him -he is with users.Anyhow the therapist I was seeing said the AA meetings here were better than nar meetings is it ok that I go to an AA meeting since his problems have more to do with drugs than anything else??/ The therapist I was seeing wanted to talk more about my childhood , than what I should be doing with him,which that is what I needed. I have alot to learn wish I didn't.:praying

CatsPajamas

It sort of depends on the area and on the meeting. I've never been to one where they required me to "qualify". Somehow I guess they just knew I belonged there. The meetings tell us to keep the focus on US and not on the alcoholic or addict, so I'm sure you'll be fine. There are many different kinds of meetings - topic meetings, step studies etc, so if you don't find one that fits at first, just keep shopping around. Good luck!

Cats

Spiritual Seeker

Sorry For Your Sorrow Debbie. I Have Been Where You Are For 5 Yrs. Now
When They're Young It Can Be A Long Rd. I Found A Parent Alanon Support Grp For Myself And Made Friends There. It Saved Me From Dying Of A Broken Heart. Through This Group I Know Some Do Recover. My Son Is Off Drugs But Still Likes Alcohol. He Is So Much Better Now After Yrs. Where I Rarely Saw Him. Drugs Have Robbed Him Of Maturity Motivation And Potential . I Have Hope That He Will Catch Up One Day. Do What You Can To Help Your Son While He Is A Minor. Do What You Need To Do To Not Let The Drugs Destroy Both Of You.

Barbara52

{hugs} I can't imagine the pain you are feeling as I haven't been thru all this with my child. You both have my prayers..

dgrass

Thanks so much for the response!! I just don't know how to let go!!!! I am sorry to any parent that goes through this!! You can not make anyone understand your pain until they have walked in these shoes!!!I pray that no more parents have too!!!I still don't know what to do,do I just keep telling him I love him and that when he is ready for help I will be there? If and when I see him that is. I know I can not enable him by giving him money etc because I know where it will go. So far he hasn't came for Anything. My husband did find him and gave him a letter that I wrote ,he said he would read it later--(fingers crossed that he did) but he reeked of pot so who knows!!! He told him that if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with us he could and that we would like it if he did-Thanksgiving is a big deal at my Dads a holiday he has always enjoyed so we could go there are we could just do it at our house just us--said he would get in touch--hasn't yet. Still not sleeping, or hungry!!! JUst very, very sad--so sad that I can't find words to say how I feel. thanks again :praying

itiswhatitis...

d,

i'm so sorry you're going through all of this - my son had some issues that sent him to an iop (intensive outpatient program) - when i realized that i had NO control over anyone but myself and could really let go it was such a relief - i think the more you find out about addiction and go through this the better you will become - i know how hard it is but what we want for our kids and what they ultimately want can be so different - legal issues are what brought z (my son) to an iop program - i am grateful for that and what it forced me to learn - after a year removed from iop z is now away at school - i don't know what your son will choose but realizing you can't control it, you didn't cause it, and you (and all the love you have for him) can't cure it will help you - you'll get through this - it just sucks - and i'm sorry...

love,
sue

dgrass

:praying :praying Thank you sue, just looking for the answer why? I dont understand-how can someone leave a loving home,give up on everything even their on self!! I think it would be easier if he would have said I Hate you Mom I never want to see you ,You have been a terrible Mom!!!! I never realized how drugs could come in and take over so quickly!!! I am going to find a meeting!!!! I am going to keep hoping and praying!!!!! I know he doesn't want help right now-he is going to be 18 in about 2 weeks -the magic number-knows it all!!!! I thought him leaving he would hit bottom miss the comforts of home--guess not --guess it just gives him more time to party!!!! I guess he is showing me!!! How very sad that someone would pick drugs over their family. I KNOW I HAVE HIT BOTTOM-I HATE THIS SADDNESS!!!!!