queenteree

Last night AH comes home from fishing w/a good buzz on. I'm in the middle of being Suzy Homemaker (like always) come home from work, clean entire house, do 2 loads of laundry and start dinner. AH like I said, is buzzed. I told him he knows my boundaries, when dinner's done he can take his food and go upstairs, and sleep up there too. Well, he starts saying how he didn't drink anything, blah blah blah, how nothing he does is good enough for me, blah blah blah and that he's starving, when's dinner going to be ready! I said "well in between cleaning the house, doing the laundry, I'm cooking, sorry it isn't ready for you yet (sarcastically)". He puts the london broil on the grill and turns the grill on high (thought it was low and started to argue w/me about how he put it on low - but he's not drinking!). Anyway, my two sons came over to get their cars that are parked on the side of my house (S my 28 year old and B whose 24, they don't live w/us). Anyway, they both knew that AH had a good buzz on. Anyway my son S got a few tickets on his car. He starts stressing cause he usually does everything the right way, he’s got a great job (making much more than AH), owns his own condo, very responsible, etc. AH starts lecturing him on getting the tickets, how he never does anything right, how he’s going to lose his condo, job, etc. S is staring at him saying “what are you talking about? Like you’re the pillar of the community?” AH still keeps on and on, saying how he (AH) pays all his bills, takes care of his responsibilities and his truck doesn’t get tickets. S says “not yet, what are you going to do when you lose your truck?” AH says “I’m not, why would I?” S says “when you get your DWI” AH is like “I won’t get a DWI” S says “Oh yes you will” With that AH starts screaming for him to get his crap out of here, etc. Then starts bringing up that he gave S money in the summer (it was a gift and S didn’t even want to accept it, but did). Anyway, now S is figuring out an amortization schedule on that amount at 8 ½ % interest and is paying him back today. Which is all well and good. Thing is, both my sons said they love me very much but can no longer come around, not even on the holidays. They can’t deal with all the drama and chaos that goes along w/AH. S actually told AH that he was the “epitomy of hypocracy” and that all he is now is a “pathetic drunk.” This is coming from a son who always stood by AH. Then we were talking about maybe going upstate for Christmas and just leaving AH at home. AH heard that and said nobody’s going anywhere without him and that he won’t drink on the holidays (yeah, right). What am I to do? I’m losing my family because of him. Now that he’s started again, it’s going to be another month straight, if not more. I am not in a position to leave right now, so what are your suggestions, at least for the holidays and being w/my kids and family? Thanks.

parentrecovers

are your sons going to alanon or acoa meetings?

it is a lot of drama...sorry. k

parentrecovers

i'm using this one..thanks!

queenteree

Safe, sane place is only temporary. I need it permanently!!!! I truly just can't do it anymore. My younger son lives w/his GF at her parents' house, can't stay there. My older son has a one BR condo, can't stay there. I can't keep living out of my car and suitcases, plus keep my head at my job, I'm going to lose everything and be dragged down w/him, yet I can't leave right now cause I'm not losing out monetarily. I just wish he would die!

minnie

We are not without choices. We make them every minute of every day. Even a decision to do nothing is a choice. The hard part comes when we realise that those choices entail a consequence. Often, I have to look at the consequence a different way in order to be able to choose a course of action that is in my best interest.

I too stayed with my ex out of (perceived) financial necessity for a time. I stayed in business with him for a year after we split up out of (perceived) financial necessity.It was only when I was not prepared to bear the consequences on my mind, body and spirit did I let go of the fear that I would not be able to make it on my own. In addition, I now look at my spending in a very different way. Beyond rent and home bills, I spend very little. I shop in thrift stores, I use freecycle, I do not need the latest fashionable clothes, I use farmer's markets and bulk buy with neighbours, I use my bike, rarely pay full price for anything and take great pleasure in opting out of a large part of the consumerist society. Of course, I don't wear a hair shirt or live in a commune and I do still have my luxuries, namely a decent haircut and travel. My money goes a long way these days and I am amazed at how long my allocated budget for time out to find a great job is lasting.

I gained the most freedom in my life when I put everything up for serious scrutiny and decided what was need and what was want. When I took legal action against my ex, I also had to look long and hard at my motivation for doing so. I will admit that at the beginning there was a part of me that wanted to make sure he didn't "get away" with anything, especially as he had already taken so much from me. It slowly dawned on me that he had taken nothing that I had not freely offered, yet I also believe in doing the right thing. Pursuing the recovery of money that was legally mine was the right thing to do and ensures that I can look back and know I acted in my best interests and and have peace about it. I had to know what drove my decision, though, because revenge would have blinded me on the path.

I totally understand your wish not to start again from scratch and I don't envy your position. How is it going with the lawyers etc?

queenteree

My friend, who is a lawyer, really doesn't think it is in my best interest to draw up separation agreement now, says try to stick it out till settlement. That is why I am requesting suggestions on how to do that.

denny57

I would admit to myself I am losing my family because of ME.

hadenoughnow

Have you filed for divorce yet? Serving him would start the clock and if he refuses to negotiate he can be forced into mediation (at least that's how it works in Michigan).

keepingmyjoy

Oh Terri!!! We have the same husband...thought so all along. So sorry you are going thru this. You know I did with my daughter. She won't come here at all, but made an exception on little guys birthday. AH hid in the house and only came out to sing "Happy Birthday" then went back in the house. NICE birthday for little guy, dad won't come out and daughter on verge of tears. I was feeling like you are just a few days ago! Now, I told him I am leaving...amazing what turn of events will happen. I have NO money right now, but I am at a point where my sanity and peacefulness for my children became more important. I will find a way. If you can, try to stay open to whatever might come your way, you never know how things could change in a heartbeat.

Hugs....

queenteree

Denny - my sons have flat out told me they do not want to come around cause they "don't want to deal with HIM" not me! So what that is saying is I'm losing them because of HIM.
Anvilhead - if I stay w/him, get my portion of it, put it into my own account, then leave = done - I get the money.
keepingmyjoy - yep, we do have the same husband, I always think that when I read your posts. Where abouts are you in NY? Are the apts. cheap there? Just asking cause I live in that state too, and maybe you can let me know if you hear of anything. Thanks.

Pick-a-name

Not sure how far you live from your kids but hopefully you can still get together with them at somewhere other than your home (when AH is there). For now; phone,email and IM are great ways that I keep in touch with my kids. (Not the same, but sure better than whe I was their age and we'd maybe have a few minute long distance phone call on a Sunday afternoon every few months.) If you are lucky enough to be closer,meet them for dinner,etc whatever you like to do together....you can call it "an appointment",if you want. (for your mental health! )


btw; it doesn't sound like they want to give up on YOU; just do not want to deal with the alcoholism (I know you can relate to that!) Actually, you probably would have an actual chance to enjoy having them around without having to deal with AH,too!

elizabeth1979

Well, I guess I will just be honest here.


You may not be losing your sons, Terri..you may be choosing your life as is.
As indirect a choice as it may be, we all have choices. Even when we think we dont.

LaTeeDa

Something I've learned only recently is this.

When I have a problem and am offered suggestions on how to solve it, and I dismiss them all with 'yes, but.......' I do not have an unsolvable problem. I have an emotional blockage to solving my problem.

It might be helpful to write down all your fears and look at them from a practical, logical view rather than letting them swirl around in your head and keep you from finding real solutions. I don't know what truly motivates you to stay stuck. (I doubt it is really all about the money) I convinced myself for a long time that the possibility of financial ruin was what was keeping me from filing for divorce. In hindsight, it was really about not wanting to let go. Not wanting to admit that my marriage was over. Fear of failure. That's what it boiled down to for me. I didn't want to fail. I had to come to terms with that and learn that I didn't fail. Sometimes marriages end even though you try your best.

As I said, this is something I've only recently learned. If someone had offered this information to me two years ago, I probably would have dismissed it. So, take what you want and leave the rest.

L

queenteree

Elizabeth - you are so right. It is the choices I am making that is causing me to lose my sons. You hit it right on the head and I thank you for that.
LTD - It truly is about the money. I don't love him anymore, and to tell you the truth, if he were to die tomorrow, I would not be the grieving widow, I would be relieved. It would mean my misery is over. I have thought about it over and over, he'd run up legal fees for me in a divorce cause he is like that when drunk, he'd try to screw me out of his 401k, make my life miserable, etc. My sister and her stbxh bought my mother's house 3 years ago, they split up last year. She is stuck working 2 1/2 jobs and still struggling. My other stbxfriend's husband died 1 1/2 years ago, she got $350,000 in life insurance proceeds, which she proceeded to blow to where she has nothing left and is struggling w/a $320,000 mortgage. I don't want to lose all I have worked for, and for some, it may be easy, but for me it's not. I came from nothing and I don't want to go back to nothing. I have already a failed 1st marriage and this marriage is failed already, has been for a while, so I'm truly not afraid of failed marriages. It truly boils down to money and if I knew I had in writing that I'd get a percentage of his settlement, I'd be out of there in a minute.

LaTeeDa

I said for me it was fear of failure that kept me stuck. It could be something entirely different for you. Could it be fear of losing your 'victim' status and not having anyone to blame for your problems?

I say this with more understanding and compassion than you know. I played the part of victim for years. It's hard to change something that has become so comfortable.

L

queenteree

anvilhead - what I am saying is, I know my AH, if I were still married to him, he would put it in an account in both our names (drunk or sober) and then it would become marital property. Same as if I put an inheritance I got into an account in both names. I already checked that one out. That is my dilemma. Then I would get 1/2 or at least a percentage!!! And again, you are right, I do have to suffer the consequences of my own actions. I totally agree.

queenteree

LTD - trust me, I'm not into playing victim, I hate people like that (and I know many). I just tend to give my all, and I have done all these things for years (even when he was sober for over 14 years). My house still needs to get clean, laundry needs to get done and dinner needs to get cooked, regardless. Even my therapist knows I am not into playing the victim. And other than AH, I have no problems except that I know very selfish people that just keep expecting more and more of me, and I'm sick of it. I just need to get a grip, get an answer and move on. But truly thanks for your input.

minnie

QT, I know you are going to meetings regularly. Have you managed to get a sponsor yet to work the Steps with?

Also, may I ask why you think you are entitled to get money from HIS PI settlement? Surely the money is recompense for his injuries, not yours?

denny57

In 2004, AH's parents gave us a cash gift. We put it in a joint account in Canada for our business. Today, AH is claiming in the divorce it was an inheritance from his grandmother, who died in 1999. Even though I have a trail of paperwork a mile long, it looks like the judge will grant it to him. There are no guarantees in life.

It's the hardest thing I have done in my life to date. I was talking about this with my doctor just this morning. He said even if you end up with zero (which I won't) you have won. He is right and today I am grateful for what I have and whatever I will have.

Barbara52

First off, I don't see where you losing your sons at all. The way I read it they are making the very healthy choice to disengage from the madness and setting a boundary that they will not be around the alcoholic in their life. Very healthy decision on their part.

You have the option to spend time with them somewhere else. Spend holidays or whatever days with them in a different location. Not a big deal from where I sit.

Unless the laws are very different in NY, just because the money goes into a joint account does not make it a joint asset. Even if you withdrew it, you might have to pay it back. Besides, what guarantee do you have that a settlement of any sort is coming along, let alone that it is enough $$ to make it worth while staying in what you seem to see as an intolerable living situation?

I sure do understand not wanting to start over with what you characterize as nothing but is living in a situation that is making you miserable better than living on your own even in very bare bones living conditions?