DetachMe9

Hi Everyone: I'm new here, though I've been lurking for awhile. Not new to AlAnon or AA, but currently separated from AH for the 1st time just since Saturday. He's also not new to AA. Without detailing my whole mess, I have one main question today and interested in how any of you dealt with the same situation - - How do I let my husband know what I want (in order to reunite/continue on with the marriage) WITHOUT sounding like I'm dictating his program. It was easy to say "I'm not willing to live with you if you're actively drinking and not working any kind of recovery program". He relapsed (again), I left. Now when we talk, he says he's not drinking, doesn't plan on it, etc. and this is likely true. But he has yet to attend a meeting. How do I tell him this isn't "enough" without sounding controlling/codep/etc.? Thanks to all.

LaTeeDa

I think it is dangerous to set up 'conditions' around reconciliation. If you say, do this, do that, and they do it, but not in the way you meant it, you are then in a position of explaining and they are in a position of 'but I did what you said.' It creates a big mess. Why do you have to tell him anything? I told mine I would make my decisions according to his actions. Left it at that. Grownup people know what's right and what's wrong and if they don't, it's high time they learn.

JMHO,
L

minnie

Hi there, and welcome to SR. Hope you've had a chance to settle in and get a read of the sticky posts at the top of the forum.

This is the really tricky bit, isn't it? It seems so much easier to set the "I will not live with an active alcoholic" boundary, than deal with the dry but not recovering partner.

My ex had a period of not drinking and going to AA. In fact, he was the poster boy for a few months. Then he had a relapse, which was not a problem in itself, but he lied about it. He even lied about it on SR. That was my bottom - I could deal with relapses, what I couldn't deal with were the proclamations of recovery without the honesty. And it turns out that he was only going to AA so that I wouldn't leave, so it was all meaningless anyway.

Now, recovery doesn't start and end with AA, despite lots of info to the contrary. There are lots of other ways to achieve the same end - SMART Recovery, Rational Recovery, therapy, church etc. Indeed, many drinkers recover spontaneously and never come into contact with any recovery organisations at all. So, please don't get hung up on the fact that he is not going to AA meetings. I am not AA bashing in the slightest, just pointing out that there are other ways to skin a cat.

What is it about him these days that makes you not want to resume a relationship with him?

denny57

Welcome!

Sometimes a third party (counselor) can kick start new ways of communicating.

Glad you're here and look forward to getting to know you.

Janitw

Hello and welcome.....I was married to an alcoholic for 22 yrs and let me tell you they will make every conceivable promise they can think of to get his codie back....if you say to him simply...." I don't want you to drink" then in his mind it goes like this: well she said not to drink at home....or not to drink with so and so.... or not to drink between the hours of so and so......

Are you following me yet? They will twist and turn all you say back onto you.....thereby believing that they have kept the agreement and now you are just being unreasonable.....its never ending hunny..

If he is not in any recovery program and just does not drink then he is what is called a dry drunk....because he will still have what we call "stinkin thinkin" going on in his head....he thinks and acts like a drunk just without the alcohol. And just for the record most dry drunks do eventually go back to drinking anyway. He needs treatment is what I am trying to say here...

Stick around and read all you can...especially the stickies at the top. Take Care.

DetachMe9

Thanks so much to all of you, and yes I'm slowly settling in on this board. When I left my home/husband this past weekend, I also left our shared computer which leaves me communicating with just this one during work hours. As I move slowly through this (huge) step for me, I'll be looking at ways to get the thing to my new spot.

LaT, Minnie, Denny, Janit: Like everyone here, my story is long and ridiculous. I want to eventually know and understand all of you, and hope I can be known/understood as well. Maybe I need to take time to give my history somewhere, but I'm not sure where to put it. Need to find where/what thread people do this so I don't clog a thread unecessarily. Thanks.

DII

Hi D, I have to agree with the other posts. No AA or treatment means they are not in recovery and just an alcoholic that is not drinking! Promises don't mean a thing at this point. I also agree that there is NO magic time, set of milestones that you checkoff a list. Go with your gut and by what you see, his actions. You'll now when he has taken his sobriety and treatment seriously enough to have him back. Not attending AA is a clear sign he's not committed.