supporter11

I was in a relationshop with a recovering alcoholic and have known hiim for 8 years. He had been sober 2 months when I told him I couldn't see him anymore ( I was a great friend to him and supported him and visited him in rehab but got treated like crap) because he was seeing someone else in NY (although he said he was not in an exclusive relationship and couldn't be with anyone) I told him I could not see him anymore as long as he was going up there. He would come back and tell me all about his fancy dinners and social events and concerts he went to. I put up with my x leaving for days and weeks on end for his hobbies and parents and I felt like I was just not very important. He kept in touch somewhat via email and called when I had surgery but I was sleeping. He did not have a job when I told him I could not see him. He is in limbo with his second DUI being delayed in the court system-2nd one in less than a year with a high BAC. We had a very comfortatable relationship, much in common. I could talk about anything and he would tell me anything-especially what he thouight I wanted to hear. I know it is best I don't see him or get involved but I just can't seem to get over him and he is still traveling all over and I assume still seeing the lady in NY. With no job I don't know how he can travel and also pay for VERY expensive boat repairs. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind but I know he is no good for a real relationship. He will also be going to jail at some point for his second DUI. I understand alcholics live in the moment but I can't help hoping he will start something back up with me at some point. I can't even look at another man because I am not over this one.

splendra

(((((supporter11)))))

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I am sure you deserve much better. It sounds like you know you need to move forward. I am glad you are here cause you will get help here to get over this hump.

Yea that sounds about like a situation you can live without. I know there has to be better things for you than this. Hang in there hang here too get to know everyone...

justjo

I guess you need to ask yourself this 'what is it you are really missing?' If you are honest, the answer will appear. You realize he isnt the one and only, so its not really him you are missing. It could be a few things that you lack in your life. Start filling up the holes in your heart with other things and you will eventually move on.
Maybe, start running or walking, take the dog out. I find activities really help. If I stay home too comfy, thats when my mind starts ticking.
Good Luck

mallowcup

I think that when you get involved with an alcoholic initially they do seem to accept you just the way you are. There a sticky goo that is slathered all over that acceptance.
They are priming the pump of the relationship. Of course it feels god to be able to tell someone anything, they are easy and open, accepting and it feels great. They seem to identify and they don't judge you. So there you are thinking it's all so good.
Once you feel accepted and in something good, they start testing you with how open and accepting you are to their little secrets. If you don't accept their drinking, you lose that acceptance, you appear to be judgemental and they give and retract their time and attention with direct proportion to your compliance. So we start making compromises and settling for less and less until we are nothing more than the rock they cling to everytime they are drowning and we actually take some kind of pride in that.

Mr. Christian

Relationships are not easy to get over at times. We find it hard to grasp the reality of it all and we still hang on to what we thought was there.
Yes I said thought.
In time you will see things much more differently after you have been out of the hurricane for awhile.


I think a bigger issue to deal with is the question of why you would want to stay in an unhealthy relationship filled with turmoil.

Alanon helped me to explore this somewhat.

That and getting out and doing things on my own without the clouds of despair hanging up over my head.

You know I’ve been at this for some time now.
I’ve met a lot of women out there that are pretty messed up for one reason or another.
I find myself cutting them off very fast when I see things now.
I do not settle for someone just to have someone.

I don’t have to, and you don’t either.
Life is much more then living for someone. It’s living for you and making your days you have left on this planet the best yet.

supporter11

I guess I want to stay because he was a good friend and someone I could talk to about anything. I have been out of an emotionally abusive marriage for a long time now, I was basically ignored for 30 years and raised my 2 kids myself except for the use of some of his income. I am in counseling and she says I am NOT co-dependent. I have best girl friends that I am close to but they are far away in miles. I have not had any companionship of the opposite sex to go out and dance or see a movie or anything in a very long time and this guy did not take me either but he did pay attention to me in my home or his, not sexually either. I just am missing some good friends to hang out with on a regular basis.
teach

justjo

See Supporter, You just answered your original question. Do what Mr. Christain said, dont settle for just someone. I am driven towards humorous, confident people because it lifts me. Try working on that and the right man will step forward, I bet ya!

CBrown

Supporter, you and I may be in the same boat in some ways. I have to say that I think back about all my XBFs at times. I don't think you can be in an intimate relationship with someone else for a significant period of time and NOT think about that person. Like you, I am having particular trouble letting go of this XABF for a couple reasons.

First, I do not care whether he treated me poorly because he is insane, evil or it's part of the alcoholism, but I feel WRONGED. Part of me wants him to take ownership for that, but I do realize he may die, it may take years for that, or it may never happen. But it is still there in my mind.

Secondly, people are never 100% good or 100% bad. Although the bad increasingly and overwhelmingly overweighed the good, I do remember great conversation, funny stories, his generosity and good times together.

Thirdly, I have that dread of "the call." He is late-stage, and just like a friend with a terminal disease, I know what is coming and it's just a question of time.

Unfortunately, R is also a poster child of all the dysfunctional things that As do.

Anyway, yes, R also lingers in my mind. Do I want him back in my life? H*ll no! He is toxic, cannot be trusted, lies, is insane, etc! But the ghost still lingers, and I don't know whether time, silence, or his death will free me completely.

gns

Cbrown, I completely understand about the feeling wronged part.
My ex, however, was almost 100% bad!

FormerDoormat

"There a sticky goo that is slathered all over that acceptance."

I used Goo Gone. Worked like a charm.

FormerDoormat

"I am in counseling and she says I am NOT co-dependent."

Let's see, your ex-husband was abusive, your boyfriend was an alcoholic, the name you chose for yourself on this forum is "Supporter11," and your counselor says you are not a co-dependent. At first glance, can't say that I agree with her....

gypsyrose

Letting go of someone we love is hard. I like to think that we can have many loves in life that we'll always have in our hearts whether we are with them or not.

tollbooth

I'll add "....whether we want them to be or not".

supporter11

I agree and it is just not that easy to get over someone. This guy just entered my lofe at the right time and told me everything I had never heard before and we talked about things I never could discuss with anyone else. I think for me it will take time-the first time it took 4 years and then he came back in my life, and this time I am sure he will call again but I have to be strong. The one thing that will help down the road is to allow someone else in and not sbbatoage a new relationship because of 2 bad ones. My x husband wasn't always abusive, it just developed later on after the kids got older and after they both left home as adults it was really bad. I believe he was pysically and emotionally abused as a child from the stories his mother told me but he would never believe the stories his mother told. I am not sure at this point what a normal relationship would be but I am looking for someone who will put me first, be a great communicator and probably no addicitons. So far I have not found anyone and would be happy just to have companionship to go out and dance or to a movie or dinner that I wouldn't have to pay for. I want to be treated like the special person I am. I work hard and I am a good person.
Teach1222