hbb

Hey!

I wasn't going to post because i just did the other day and you are all probably sick of me complaining by now! But, the past couple of days i've been in a bit of a rut. I chose to go shopping on Sunday instead of possibly running into my exabf. Which was a very good decission for my sanity.

Anyways, I really don't have any business complaining i guess, i have great family and friends, a good job, a nice jeep, financially stable and am now back to the gym everyday and walk every morning. I've lost 25 lbs. and almost in my other clothes. BUT just kind of stuck in a rut. Before all of this, there wasn't a doubt in my mind he was the one! Ignoring the red flags, I know full well that X and I not being together is healthy and no contact is probably best. Guess I just thought i might have heard from him by now. I also don't want to go in a downward spiral either. I'm not going to lie, i miss him alot today and not sure why. If i'm missing the thought of he and I or just lonely. I guess I just thought life would be very different than it is for me by 33. Ever just feel like your walking around in life with a happy face on but inside want to crumble, that's me today and not sure when it will end.

I do believe everything happens for a reason and him cheating and lying about it after the fact probably saved me a lifetime of misery as who knows if i would have found out. I am doing whats best for me and my health these days but just feel like same thing different day. Sorry to ramble on just was sitting here bummed out and needed to get it out. Thanks!

cdk1972

There you are. I've been worried about you. Heather, I KNOW. We all do. I'm right there with you. I have hours of feeling actually okay, until something knocks me back down-even a tiny reminder such as doing an action i picked up from him-or someone else saying somethign he used to say sets me off. I can only hope that if we keep trudging through we will get to where we want to be. Hang in there, and know i'm (and everyone here) is thinking about you.

hbb

thanks hey, i've been trying to PM you but you have to delete some messages!!

Afraid2Succeed

Hi Hbb,
Sounds like on paper everything should be fine, but lately your emotions have been shaky. Funny how relationships (like addictions) can trample all over the things we've earned, like happiness.

I hope your next 'attraction' will be positive. Lying and cheating isn't fair to anyone, though I know women who are subconsciously attracted to it, go figure. Find yourself someone worthy of your values and turn that frown, upside down.

hbb

Yup, very shaky recently, I think that the hardest and you may find this too, is that everyone in my circle is basically sick of me and my emotions by now. I have one friend that is going through a similar situation so i grasp to her. Here is the only place i feel i don't get criticized or talked about because "i should be over it by now" according to my "friends". I don't think they remember what it's like to get dumped, never mind a relationship with an A.

embraced2000

awwwww hbb.....i understand so well "the slumpsters".....i used to go there quite often. i think it is all part of the process. the trick for me was not to take any actions of reaching out to my xh during these times.

eventually, i learned to have a plan for the times i would go into a slump..... first i made a sacred vow to not reach out to him in any way.....then i would give myself permission to feel all the feelings i was feeling....sometimes i just went to bed and wallered in my own self-induced misery and just let it happen.

after a few days of it, i would snap out of it and start focusing on myself again.

best to you, sweetie
hang in there
jeri

CE Girl

This reminds me of something I say when someone apoligizes to me for asking me to do my job,,,

IT's WHY I GET THE BIG BUCKS?!?!?!?!?lol

Or

It's the REASON SR is so wonderful,,,Cause we can "complain, whine, vent, yell, scream", or whatever I, me, my, mine wants!!!!!

HBB,,,,let yourself

if you want to be "poopy" then go right ahead. Girl, I've watched you pull yourself up by the bootstraps before. You'll soon tire of it, and move on to the next level.

Meanwhile, all you can do is live in the day. Entirely up to YOU what kind of day you want to have. For me, I'm DONE letting someone else take up space in my head and choose for me,,,,

What ya buy shopping?!?! 25 lbs less, musta been FUN trying on clothes. Even better, how you FEEL in em,,,

Peace

hbb

Gosh, i thought the poopy days were over, i was so gung ho on moving ahead. I went to AA with a friend the other night for her 9 mo chip (yay!) and this woman got up and spoke and it was my ex to a T. I burst into tears but it was all the actions that he's not willing to change or get better because he can just get by in life. I know i don't want that but i'm having a really hard time with the fact that someone could be so cruel (i know it happens everyday) to someone who basically gave up their own self for them. It really is tough to swallow and now i'm left to pick up the pieces of yet another guy that screwed me over. I"m just so hurt and think in my head that EVERYONE is going to do this to me.....

(p.s. I bought some jeans love me!!)

hbb

Your exactly right, knowing what i know now i wouldn't have given up my self for him. But as they say in Al Anon, it wasn't my fault if i didn't know the difference then right? I now would look for the flags immediately.

If he was 6 months sober when this occured (cheating) do you still believe it's the alcoholic mind then? That's what's the hard part, he was sober when he did this, but i guess maybe he wasn't of a healthy mind even then.....i don't know

denny57

If the answer was yes, it was the alcoholic mind, what would that mean to you and how would it make a difference?

If the answer is no, it was not the alcoholic mind, what would that mean to you and how would it make a difference?

cinderellawkids

They say in AA its "stinkin thinkin" that brought them there. This is why dry/non recovering alcoholics can be more difficult that active ones.
My best friend lived for 4 years witha "recovering" addict active in NA. He cheated on her constantly. At the time we both knew nothing of the programs. Its 6 years later, they are friends only and he's now an active sponsor. He's also now a member of SA. He'll tell you himself the cheating was him trying to fill a void in himself.
All the time thats passed and occassionaly they talk online, she Imed upset the other day, told me his attitude, actions, sayings, you know what from the outside its obvious atleast today he's not working his program fully, the fact taht he has 9 years clean means nothing.

Does that make sense? It shows the clean recovering time doesnt matter, its still about them , their voids and then trying to figure out what will make them happy.

embraced2000

beautifully stated, anvilhead. spot on, it is.

hbb

Thank you Denny, and your right, nope it wouldn't make a single bit of difference, cheating is cheating in my opinion. I didn't try often, but it's hard to figure out what's going on in that head of his. My 1st ex cheated on me as well. Guess that's why this time was such a blow to my self esteem. I trust not one guy at the moment.

Cinderellawkids ~ Thank you for sharing that story of your friend. My ex is a dry drunk and i knew that more so towards the end of our relationship. He was beyond misserable yet going to AA and speaking and all that jazz, yet drinks o'douls and hangs at bars with his alcoholic friends, the good friends tell him like it is so he shys away from them, go figure.

I do know that i deserve better, we all do, it's just these stupid ups and downs in my head that keep me locked in one place. Still waiting for that day that looking back on all of this will be a sigh of relief. Practice not perfection right?!

hbb

CE ~ lol I just re-read this and i didn't mean to write that i love me, i meant to say i love THEM (the jeans)....gosh people will think i'm pompus around here lol!!!

CE Girl

You got it right the FIRST time Heather!!!! LOVING yourself is what its ALL about!!!

Oh, and making sure your butt looks GOOD in them jeans,,,

Peace

hbb

whoohhh....CE, lets not jump the gun here, i've been in therapy about a month and a half and i'm only now learning to LIKE myself, love is a whole other story!!! But thanks, i am working on that.

I just go up and down some days. Like today, cried at the little things. I read on here and i should be thanking god he left and that i'm not in the chaos of his recovery, his sister-in-laws huge drug problem that's ALL their problem in his family and he uses that to avoid his own major issues. The list goes on and on. I guess i miss what i know we can be and have been at times. I've seen the caring, loving side and that's what im missing.....