wpgwoman

This is my first post and will try to keep is somewhat simple. I have been in a common law relationship with my A for over 5 years. My question to all of you, is how does one move on from a relationship that has been filled with lies and deceit. I have taken it so personally over the years. How do you finally let go and realize that nothing will ever change.

Even when it appeared that he was not drinking(it no longer was brought into this home)or was smoking pot(rarely went out socially anymore)that nagging gut feeling was always so overwhelming. The need to know what he was up to was always so consuming. Granted, he has done so much better over the past year. I truly believed that his rock bottom came a couple of years ago when he left home to "find himself"
I realized that it is near impossible(for me anyways)to trust someone again that has lied to your face so many times. They do it with such expertise it is almost frightening. It causes you to question your self worth. I must be such a bad person if he finds it so necessary to lie to me about everything. You don't even know who you are anymore.
It hurts so much when they tell you it is your fault they need to lie. If you didn't over react, I wouldn't need to lie. I think I have a more difficult time dealing with the constant deceit rather than finding out he has been drinking and smoking pot behind my back. I will never understand why this man cannot share the same morals and values that I need to raise these three children. To me it is so damn simple.

Two weeks ago I finally found out the truth. He still feeds his addictions when he goes home to visit his family(1 1/2 drive out of town), when he drops by his brothers place, or when he takes our daughter to his parents house boat for the weekend. Ironically it was his sister who let the cat out of the bag. She lives in another province, so when she came home to visit and witnessed his actions(couldn't believe how quickly he was indulging, it was like his life depended on it)she was sickened that he was doing this while his daughter slept upstairs. My daughter had called me to say goodnight, I spoke to my A in recovery(or so I thought)and asked him if he had been drinking, outright said no. What a fool I am.

I have told him to get out so many times it is laughable. The heat of the moment when you find out you've been played again is so powerful. Somehow he says and does all the right things to make you give him one more chance. I want so bad to have my daughter grow up with her father that I always give in. I want so bad to believe that we are worth making these positive changes in his life.

Something is different today. This weekend he and my daughter are at his parent's boat. This is the first time I did not make myself sick over wondering what he was up to. This time I knew. He actually told me, of course I am going to lie about what I am doing because if I tell you the truth you will make me leave. I should be able to have a f*@#* beer if I want to. Complete opposite of everything he has written or said to me for the past year. I have to tell you I was stunned.

Our last conversation before he walked out the door on Friday was him telling me, By the way, I've been looking for an apartment, just like you wanted. Or were you just saying that again. I have to tell you that he took me by surprise since two weeks ago when I told him to get out, he informed me that he will NEVER leave his daughter again. I almost panicked. I got what I asked for but I felt sick about it. I just don't understand this vicious circle I live in. In my heart I want this family to be the winner in this battle, in my head, I guess I am just starting to realize, no one wins.

Funny when I found this forum, I was just going to ask one simple question. When I started typing it was almost impossible to stop. Thank you for letting me ramble. I know there are no easy answers. I think I am just looking for a little strength to do what's right for everyone involved. I am apprehensive because I know they will be home in a few hours and I don't know what to expect. All I do know is that I want this damn cycle to stop. This is just no way to live. I am too old to keep playing these childish games and still young enough to start over.

Thank you to all of you for taking time out of your busy day to read my rantings,

Wpgwoman

brdlvr

Welcome to the forum. I can totally relate. I was with my xabf (on and off) for over 4 years. I too got sick of the lies. I caught him so many times lying to me and yet I kept believing that it would get better. No matter how many times he said, no more lies. I'll tell you if I'd been drinking. It never turned out that way. It amazes me just how they can lie and make you doubt yourself even when you Know you are right. I also had the need to find out the truth. Always trying to get him admit the truth. Who knows if when he did admit the "truth" it was it. I finally got to the point that I couldn't live like that anymore. I had to stop even trying to be friends with him. I thought so many times that he was doing good and not drinking only to find out he had been drinking all along. And the lies weren't just about drinking, it was the jobs he lost, people he hung around, what he did that day. Everything.

I hope someday to find a man that doesn't lie, that I can trust. That I don't have to second guess or question everything that comes out of their mouth.

I also knew that as long as I kept wasting my time with my x. And kept giving one more chance, I'd never have peace or never find that man out there that will be honest and trustworthy.

Good luck. It's tough I know.

Brdlvr

cookconfay

Wow...to the both of you

I can so relate! I know what that nagging feeling of right is...I know what it feels like to WANT to believe them and then going against your gut instincts! No way to sugar coat it ... it's downright sickening and maddening!

Since I am in recovery myself from alcohol and drugs...I at least do know there is a better way. I know that anyone can have the recovery if they want it bad enough, so it was hard to see why they wouldn't want it like I did????

I hate this disease, I hate what it makes people do, I hate what it has cost me, how much it has hurt me and I really hate how I hurt others during my active disease.

Today, nothing is going to happen that me & my God can't handle, I know I am a precious child of his and all he wants me to be is happy, joyous and free. Some days are tough as after that last ex-alcholic husband....after 3 1/2 yrs of being totally alone, no dates, no interests etc...I am suddenly reunited with an old boyfriend of off & on the past 28 years. Now, he is an alcoholic too...so I'm in the mix again. I have made a decision though this time ... I set boundaries...not too good at sticking to them but through this site, the wonderful people here, lots of meetings, sponsor, and counseling...I'm giving it a designated time frame, and anymore lies about stopping the drinking...I'm completely out! I feel good about that, like I have taken the control of my own destiny back! THANK GOD!!!

denny57

Welcome, wpgwoman, glad you're here!

Take a look at the Stickys at the top of the forum and keep posting.

Why do you want her to grow up with a man who lies to and curses at you? Is this the type of man you want her to be with in the future?

FormerDoormat

I disagree with one thing you said, wpg woman, this isn't a no-win situation. Someone CAN be a winner here--you can. You can leave this life that isn't working for you and begin a new one. You can begin a new life today. You took that all-important first step by posting on this forum.

This forum saved my life, brought me joy and serenity, returned a life full of chaos back to sanity, helped me learn how to stop making poor choices for myself, and returned me to rational thinking.

Sounds like a tall order for something as simple as a free forum, but like Alanon, it works if you work the program. I've felt all the feelings of anxiety, low self-worth, confusion, and pain you've described here for many years. I don't feel that way any longer because I've learned how to live better. I'm confident, in time, you will, too.

Welcome to the forum.

wpgwoman

Why do you want her to grow up with a man who lies to and curses at you? Is this the type of man you want her to be with in the future?[/QUOTE]

Yes, I know that you are right. I suppose growing up without a father my entire life has made me want one so badly for my daughter.

Oddly enough, he is a good father to her. I just wish he would treat me with the same love and respect that seems to give so naturally to his daughter. I am almost jealous at how kind and loving he sounds when he speaks to her.

To brdlvr and cookconfay thank you for sharing. It is somehow comforting that there are others out there that know exactly how you feel and how much damage it does to you inside. Your family and friends don't really understand. Your A sure as hell doesn't understand. But he is sure quick to let you know how dramatic you are being. "If I was soooo bad, how come you took me back" "Don't you think you're over-reacting again" I am just so sick and tired of being made to feel that I am the one that has a problem. "If you would just let me live the way I want to live everything would be fine" "Stop trying to control me..... " and the list goes on

When all is said and done, the only thing that I am looking for is some peace.

Buffalo66

I know your life, I mean, I know the sick in your stomach...Why does he lie like this hell.
It is hard, because with my Aex, I have still got him in my world to an unhealthy degree, and he still controls my emotions with his tricky manipulations. You really wonder HOW does someone live like that? What are they made of?

I used to declare that I was finished with him...so many lies cheating, tricks, viciousness...He would refuse to stop coming into my world, and then at some point he would pivot and say, HE HAD HAD enough!!!! I would panic.. I couldnt be the on who got left!!!

OH, the things that swirl in your mind;

"He will go to someone else and become inspired to live a healthy life"

OR; "I am giving up on someone that I am supposed to be supporting through these hard times"

OR: "I am so broken by him,and have so much angry poison inside me, that I will never be able to be close to anyone. I will be alone forever."


Now, I know...my Aex is counting on the good person in me to doubt myself, to care more about him, to wonder if he will survive... to be so insecure. He may not know it conciously, like it is something he thinks, BUt his disease secretly knows that I will hold on for dear life. I think he unconciously picked me for this reason.

I think the radar he had/has for wounded women who are strong, but broken, transmitted to my radar for men who will keep hurting me the way I am accustomed to. I know. This sucks. It sucks to be that responsible for it, but I am.

It is so hard to let go.

I am damning myself for how I have allowed my life to devolve into some kind of Jerry springer craziness. I feel for you. It will be OK. I really think it will be.

wpgwoman

OMG adobe69, all the OR'S you wrote in your post are all thoughts that have gone constantly through my mind. It simply amazes me that there are other people that have shared those thoughts. I seriously thought that there was something wrong with me for thinking like that.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am all of a sudden feeling more sane than I have in a very long time.
Angie

CBrown

Oh Angie ... I feel for you. I trusted my XABF so much. He swore he had changed once he turned 50, yet there were little signs that he hadn't. He made a list of things he was going to do the beginning of August and never started accomplishing anything. To make a long story short, he lied about it. Then I met and started talking with one of his former girlfriends and all the stories of his lies came out. We have become friends and would compare stories he was telling her and telling me tag teaming phone conversations with him. He'd tell me one minute he loved me, then on the phone with her the next minute tell her he loved her and she could come back to him at anytime. It was heartbreaking, but THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE, like it is setting me free. It seems like As are pathological liars, and who can live with THAT? I have to have honesty in my life.

Like so many of you, I'm so damaged by this one, I don't want any man in my life ever again. I don't think I could ever trust a man again with my heart.

Barbara52

No, he's not if he's teaching his daughter that in a marriage, women are to be treated badly and abused, that men cannot be depended upon, that drinking to excess is ok behavior, etc. That is the example she is growing up with, that is what she is liekly to seek in a future husband. Is that what you want for your daughter?

Buffalo66

I am pretty new here, and reading YOUR post helps ME. Me writing back helps you. I also feel validated and not alone for the first time ever, about things that I keep secret, and hide inside...

The post by CBrown also, really REALLY rings a bell in me. My A also was cheating so much and lying, and I got one of these girls on the phone. He did the EXACT thing she describes. All the lies came tumbling down. It HURT SOOOO BAD.

Another terrible thing is the look in the eyes, or the sound in the voice of people who really do love you. They want me to leave for good, so bad. They secretly wish him to die, or move away. They are so helpless watching me try to deal with this Kryptonite of a creature, who weakens my will, my self view. my love of life, but mostly, my TRUST in love.

Thanks to you for helping me learn. thank you for being here, and what a blessing to know that we are not alone. I am getting stronger everyday. YEs.

steve11694

So sorry for your family.

We come to a point where the negative consequences outweigh whatever feelings of love for that person. For the active alcoholic, lies are "automatic" After i set physical boundaries with my aw i'd hear some pretty tall stories through mutual friends. typical stories about the high level employment position she'd have, which were blatant lies.

A recovered alc i know that runs an inpatient rehab center told me when alc's lie to that effect it is from something he termes "big shotitis" = an attempt to show everyone things are great, when in fact they are not.

And the other lies about under the influence affairs etc, etc, seem to be "par for the course"

wpgwoman

Thank you for replying. It sure feels uncomfortable reading someone else write about your own children that way. However, like I said in my original post, my A was good at hiding his addictions because there was no alcohol consumption in this house for almost a year. It was only when he would go away for the weekend(every so often) and then make a pig of himself. Of course, I did not know this until recently.

But maybe I needed to read something like that. It really hit a nerve. To answer your question, NO I don't want any of my children to grow up treating themselves or their spouses like that.
Angie

wpgwoman

I am proud of myself today. When he came home from the weekend on his parents boat, this was the first time I did not question him as to whether or not he drank. It was the first time I didn't sit with a sick feeling in the pit of my gut waiting for him to come home so I could confront him about his actions. I honestly didn't care for the first time ever. Secondly, I knew now that he was guaranteed to lie to my face and tell me exactly what I wanted to hear(his famous last words before he departed on Friday)I was not willing to go there last night. Weird thing is, is that in the past years I was always willing to go there and confront him.

I did tell him that I found a wonderful website about addictions and I actually made a few postings. He seemed very surprised. I shared with him that there were people that knew my deepest darkest secrets and fears and knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking without me saying anything. It was like an awakening. I couldn't be the crazy or overly dramatic one anymore if there are so many others who felt the same way. So many others who new the long story of what you have put me through, and they are strangers I have never met.

There was alot of good reading for me in those stickys at the top of the forum. I printed the ones that I felt really hit home with me. I highlighted everything that screamed "my life" and read them again. WOW is all I can say.

I made a comment to him that went something like this, "If you ever care enough to read what you have put me through for the last seven years it's here. Maybe you'll finally get, maybe you won't. It's too late for us, but maybe you can finally make the changes you need to make in your life so you can treat your next true love the way she needs to be treated. He said it didn't matter because there will be no one else. I said, come on, you fully admit that you always need a woman in your life, it won't be too long. He said , my life's over, I won't be around. I responded in a pretty cold way, so unlike anything I would have said before. I was shocked at what came out of my mouth. "Do what you have to do, you always do"

Do you think he is just trying to manipulate me again or should I be concerned??
Angie

FormerDoormat

Well done, sweetie. Ignore his "my life is over" and "I'm going to end it" threats. That's all they are--a desperate attempt to make you feel guilty and manipulate you into staying. Glad you recognized these idol threats for what they are.

I'm proud of you today, too.

splendra

((((wpgwoman))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery. This is a great place for helping yourself break free of the chains of living with someone in active addiction.

It is difficult to let go. Active addicts do subtle things to manipulate and control we do subtle things too to try and get a different out-come than the one we always get. We have to look at our own self-defeating behaviors and actions. It does no good for us to try and confront or control the addicts in our lives. Bitching does no good either.

We have to decide what we will put up with and keep our boundaries in place. If we give an ultimatum it better be one we can stick with because if we let them run over an ultimatum we better be prepared for things to get much worse they they were before.

Sometimes the only thing that helps us get a good perspective on what living with them does to us is to live separate lives. Even if they decide to get clean and get help it is not an easy process cause all the things that they are avoiding by drinking and drugging will begin to rise to the surface. Stuff they may not want to face,stuff that if they don't deal with and let it go could make them think that going back to using is a good idea and they will come back with a vengeance too...

That is why it is important for us to let go and do what is best for us. If it is good for you then it will be good for your children and your relationship if there really is one....

Barbara52

I am speaking from experience. Both my parents were alcoholics. My father physicall and emotionally abused all of us. My mother played martyr. Although I have made great progress in learning to be a healthier person, I did marry and alcoholic. My 2 brothers are alcoholics although one has been in recovery and sober for 16 yrs now.

Children are very observant, they are little sponges aborbing life lessons with out our awareness. We all learn what a marriage is by watching our parents.

Sometimes its easier to start taking action when its for the sake of our children than for ourselves.

Barbara52

I think you handled it well Angie.

My AH also made threats of suicide when he actually heard my words saying I was reaching the point where I would have to leave him. Some smart folks in here pointed out the manipulation. I was worried about saving AH. Instead I recognized that it was manipulation and that the only thing I was going to do was call 911 if he made any real threats.

wpgwoman

My cycle continues. We did not communicate much since he got home last night. It just angers me so much that he goes about his business like there is nothing wrong. Wants to talk to me or touch me like everything in our world is just perfect. We are not perfect. Far from it. He might think so because he continues to live his double life.

I did break down and ask him how much he had to drink on the weekend. You guessed it, he said nothing. All I could muster was, "sure ya didn't, we all know you always tell the truth" If you knew me, how little I did say would have surprised you.

I'm not sure right now how to bring up the comment he made about looking for an apartment. There's no fight left in me tonight, but I need to know what's going on.
I hate playing this waiting game. But if I know him like I think I do, he will just probably tell me that he is not leaving his daughter again.

Just felt like venting. Thanks,
Angie

cagefree

(((WPG)))

Sorry this is so painful. Things rarely get better without change somewhere.

Just curious why he gets to decide your fate. I think you know what is going on. I found the only way to win the game is to quit playing.

I found that deciding for myself what was unacceptable regardless of what XABF thought was gave me the validation I needed to not focus on what he was thinking and it didn't matter anymore whether or not he "got" what he did. I knew what was happening, and that's all I needed.

Hugs to you tonight