CBrown

I have been growling about my XABF taking up with his XGF and my disgust with all that. Well, this morning I found out she dumped him. I don't know details of why, but no doubt he shows his very bad behavior in public toward her and she remembered why he was an X.

His life is tumbling like dominos. I don't take pleasure in it, but it is hard not to sit in awe at how a man can bring himself down by bottle and debauchery. As I wrote to my friend (another XGF of his) ...

"This is too rich! He signed over a half million dollar property over the weekend (to an X he also wronged). The woman he gambled on putting up with him as is dumped him. He doesn't have any other woman to go back to and no new woman would touch him. He'll have the Victoria's Secret mail order arriving to remind him of the dumping. He's got three people preaching rehab and his BF ready to haul him and the boats away. And if that's not enough, the State and IRS are in the wings to lock him up and take his money.

He's screwed. Wait, he can't do that either. :saeek:

FormerDoormat

Are you sure you're not taking pleasure in your XAB's misfortunes? It sounds like you might be. I try to remember that addicts are very sick people--emotionally, spirtually, and physically. That's why their lives tumble out of control and they make such poor choices--not because they deserve it.

I find that negative feelings tend to bring about negative consequences in my life. It's never a good thing to find pleasure in the suffering of others. One day we could find ourselves in a similar state of misfortune (whether self-imposed or otherwise), and I would hope that if I became as lost as most of the addicts described in this forum that folks would show me compassion, not revel in my misery.

Alanon helped me to let go of my anger towards my late alcoholic boyfriend and see him as he really was--human. I'm grateful that I was able to let go of my anger and be a friend to Richard until the end of his days. If I hadn't, it would have only deepend the pain I felt when he succumbed to his illness.

cagefree

Hey CB

Every time XABF would ring my cell after he chucked me out of his life, I felt the same way. The first time he called me and I actually listened to the message I laughed when he sounded a bit remorseful. It was an angry, forced laugh. It was during a time I could not validate for myself what had really gone on in the relationship. Then I saw it - I saw and validated for myself what was really going on in my relationship with XABF.

His lacking of empathy was just the tip of the iceberg. Being abusive and an alcoholic, he's got so many issues to overcome, so little genuine motivation to do it, that one day I came to the realization that most likely he's not going to ever be happy or know what it really means to be happy.

I felt sorry for him afterwards and quit denying that I still cared about him and still loved him. I allowed myself to be human and be safe from him and the chaos that life with him brought. Then I was able to start letting go.

CBrown

FD, well it could be! Doesn't it sometimes seem like As get all the breaks? Like never getting picked up for DUI? Getting out of trouble? Escaping from consequences? Bringing misery in others' lives for decades and never having to account for their actions? Pulling the wool over peoples' eyes?

Actually I'm tired of feeling sorry for his troubles. I'm tired of defending him, saying he's sick, he's mentally ill, he's whatever. I'm not taking delight, but I am glad to see that his games aren't working for him, at least recently.

Do I still want to see him recovery? Every moment of every day. Do I care about him? Definitely. I'm just glad to see him being inconvenienced, held accountable, and facing realities like the rest of us.

Naturally, since the other XGF dumped him, he called ME last evening. It was a 45 minute conversation, full of the same old not-so-amusing stories of college glory days that I've heard many times. First time I'd heard from him in 2 weeks and he offered no explanation. I didn't ask either because I KNOW what he was up to. As my friend said, "I knew he'd call you! He's just testing the waters as usual."

denny57

Why?

hbb

I can understand being a little happy that things didn't work out going back to the exgf and that the grass isn't always greener. And i'm in no way minimizing the disease of alcoholism but i do think that sometimes it's used as way out for just down right bad behavior. People know the difference between wrong and right when it comes to ex's or cheating or whatever it may be. My exabf left me for his ex as well so i can sympathize.

Rella927

I find that when I had conversations with my XAB it consumed my life and my happiness- Today I do not care what or who he is with....I'm just glad he is not with me.

IMHO there is a reason they are an X- so why get involved with what he is doing in his life.....get involved with your own. Wasting energy on someone who is not in a program is not worth anyone's mental health or time for that matter.

cagefree

AMEN!

CBrown

45 minute phone call ... well, for a lot of it I kept expecting him to get to why he had called and it never came. I figured eventually he'd try to run a story of what he'd been up to the last two weeks and I could inform him I knew what actually had been happening. That didn't happen. Finally I just said "I'm sitting in front of the restaurant, so I'll let you go." Could be I was looking for a cat & mouse game! Or maybe I just wanted to reaffirm that after a phone call I didn't want to run to him. I did end the call with a feeling of boredom, or been-there-done-that. Hey, we all get out on our own time frame, I guess.

CE Girl

Ahhhhhhhh,,,examining my motives,,,he,he,he

The codie/alkie dance.

I found, when I played it was usually cause I had an issue. Maybe I was bored, or tired, or my life didn't have that old "excitment" I was so used to. I mean, I always said I HATED the drama, but did I?

Now, when I'm bored, I jump outta a plane,,

Its a lot less dangerous,,,

Peace

CBrown

I like the excitement from a 1200 mile distance! And yes, sometimes I'm bored! And yes, these days since I know so much more about him from XGFs, I'm curious what wool he's going to try to pull over my eyes. HAHAHAH! Yes, he is a jokester, he had a lot of funny stories, but the material is old because of lack of life.

It used to be that I'd have an awful temptation to call him. At least that's gone. What I should do what his XGF does. When he calls she immediately says "are you in detox?" When he says "no" she says "call me when you are." Now THAT's taking a tough line!

CE Girl

Naw, that's just "swaying" in the dance, instead of a full out two step!!!!! he,he,he

A tougher line would be to not respond at all. Without an "audience" you think he would have more time to "practice" the fine art of the drink? Ahh,,and with more practice comes hopefully the "bottom",,,,shows over, time to find a new line of work or die in this one.

Sorry, if that seems tough, but it REMINDS me that my XA deserves NO space to rent in my head.

I'm wondering why all his xgf's are your "friends"? Not trying to be sarcastic, honestly am curious. Do you have other things in common with them besides "comparing notes" on the poor alkie? LOL I think I'd be skipping being friends with my XA's xgf's but I'm old, so what the hell do I know?!?!? he,he,he

Peace

CBrown

I should explain ... the XGF is part of the group that is going to go to the state to petition for him to go into involuntary treatment. It's made up of myself, the XGF, his mom, and an old college buddy. It's the last-ditch effort before everyone throws up their hands and says "you're on your own, amigo!" We're just waiting for the paperwork to be sent by the state and chatting amongst ourselves.

FormerDoormat

"Doesn't it sometimes seem like As get all the breaks? Like never getting picked up for DUI? Getting out of trouble? Escaping from consequences? Bringing misery in others' lives for decades and never having to account for their actions? Pulling the wool over peoples' eyes?"

Isn't it enough that they're alcoholics and they wallow in misery every waking moment of their day? Isn't that punishment enough for them? Nobody wants to be addicted to drugs or booze. Alcoholics suffer from the consequences of their drinking on a daily basis.

You can escape from the consequences of your boyfriend's drinking by stopping all contact with him. You can let go of your anger by attending Alanon meetings, reading books about alcoholism, or attending therapy. Your boyfriend doesn't have to be an out-of-control alcoholic and you don't have to be an angry co-dependent partner.

We all have choices. There is a better way to live.

CBrown

"You don't have to be an angry co-dependent partner."

True and false. I am definitely no longer his partner. I am still a codie and I'm working on that.

I WANT to be angry this time. It's when I feel sorry for him that it leads to talking more to him, to being with him ... and the cycle continues.

When I got divorced 10 years ago, I was pretty calm about it. My attorney said, "you don't seem angry enough ... do you need some counseling?"

So some say I'm not allowed to feel sorry for him, or sad, or pity him. And some say I'm not allowed to be angry. That leaves numb. Nossirreee, I can't be numb yet. Maybe in a few days, but just not this week.

Sometimes you just want to get it all out of your system.

LaTeeDa

Anger can be a good thing. God knows I was angry for months. But, the kind of anger that wants to "make him pay" is not a good anger. The kind of anger that makes you examine yourself and the part you played in this drama is the good anger. The "how did I ever get myself into this mess?" anger will move you forward. Once you get out of victim mode and start taking your power back, then you will start to see positive results in your life.

L

THE KING

what do you mean your not taking pleasure in his misfortunes thats EXACTLY what your doing

CBrown

You're right ... I've slept on it, and the "make him pay, ha-ha, revenge, etc." anger was short-lived. I rarely have episodes of that, in fact it may be my XH who was the last person I went through that with. Could be because betrayal in a relationship with a husband or SO is the worst type of betrayal in my opinion.

I want to share (for those of you who believe in God) a devotional that I received this morning in my email. It's from Joel Osteen, who probably raises feelings either very pro or very con. But his morning message was just what I needed to hear.

“Do not say, ‘I’ll do to him as he has done to me; I’ll pay that man back for what he did’” (Proverbs 24:29).

"Is there someone in your life who has wronged you? Maybe a family member didn’t treat you right, or a boss was unfair. The Bible tells us that we need to release and forgive others so God can forgive us. If we harbor unforgiveness or bitterness towards anyone, God cannot forgive us. He cannot even hear our prayers. Forgiveness starts with a decision. It doesn’t mean you excuse another person’s behavior; it only means that you are releasing the debt they owe you. Forgiveness puts God in charge of that situation instead of you. A true sign that you have forgiven is that when you think about the other person, or see them somewhere, you are at peace. The Bible says that we should also pray for those who may be against us. Pray that God will change that person’s heart. As you release the debt of others, God will release you, and you will walk in freedom and peace in every area of your life."

This morning I feel a lot more at peace. I didn't create it, I can't control it. I'll put all the XABF's issues up on God's shelf for Him to take care of, and there, it's out of my hands. I've got to keep the peace I feel this morning rolling and focus on me now and recovery.

cagefree

Sounds like you're ready to say this now. Anything he is forced to do because of something you did or said or even simply to win you back...he'll make you pay when he wants to drink. Tis' best to be the best amiga to him by letting this amigo go...

I understand the anger - I get it...it took me a few months to really work it through - and my God was it work. I thank God for my counselor, for the "homework" she gave and helping me to work through my anger by letting me know it was okay to feel any feeling that came over me. Any feeling I had was valid and necessary to get through to get to the place I longed to be. But once I was worked through it I learned that there were so many things I was angry about that had nothing to do with him, that stemmed from things that happened long before I met XABF. XABF simply brought out these unresolved issues from my past - becuase I truly believe we try to resolve anything unresolved in our past by placing ourselves in these situations over and over again. Once we work through unresolved issues, we no longer unconcsionsly look for these situations and our environment changes until we look around one day and say...my God where am I and why the was I ever there!

It's so hard at first to focus, and then to keep the focus on yourself. You can do it - I really suggest, if you aren't already, seeing a therapist or go to Al-Anon and do the work to get through anger. Someone - I think it was Taz said step 4 helps with anger. I didn't like hearing it at first...but he was right. Not that there was anything bad or wrong about me or I'm a bad person...but really bringing up my past, how I place myself in toxic environments because of poor survival techniques I had to use as a kid that I was still using as an adult...I realized I was okay, not to be blamed for not being given tools to deal appropriately when I was a kid and I could chose a different path.

Since I have begun to resolve these issues the most amazing things have happened in my life. I got rid of an abusive boss and now am under a mentor who is helping me to develop professionally and personally. I got a promotion and a raise.

The only negative part of this has been realizing that I have surrounded myself with friends who are toxic to me...I have decided to distance myself from them for the time being, until I feel like I can be around them...or I may chose to not have them as friends anymore. I would say that is the most difficult part right now.
Take care of yourself and work through the ugly feelings - you'll be the better for it.

Hugs CB

-CF