seasondoff

I joined this forum a while back and never really followed up or stayed in touch..... Guess I wasn't totally committed to helping myself.

Things with my AH aren't awful right now, but that's the cycle we go through. He got really bad in April and May - lying about going to work to go out drinking with his buddies. Went missing for one night and woke up passed out in his car.

The lying is what drives me insane. It's gotten to where even if it's not related to him going out and drinking, he still lies because somehow the truth just can't come out of his lips.

I struggle because he functions on a daily basis - manages to go to work, manages to help with dinner, putting our 3 year old to bed.... so is he really all that bad?

Anyway - I'm a newbie and I'm finding comfort in knowing that others are going through this too.

parentrecovers

glad you came back! k

Mavis

Thats what addicts do They lie.
Glad you are back!

Astro

Glad you're back here, always room for one more!

I thought I was a functioning alcoholic, great father and fine husband (oh sure), good in the kitchen and at cleaning the house, nice career. But the reality is I was a pathological liar, martyr and passive-aggressive, capable of abusing my spouse and children mentally and verbally. Since I thought I was functioning great, I had no reason to stop drinking or assume that anything was wrong in my world. That is, until I crossed that line, my disease progressed rapidly, and everything fell apart.

Try reading Under The Influence if you haven't already.

Rella927

Welcome back! your not alone! I came back to SR Ummmm hmmm 3 times and started recovery all over again! This time I will get it right because I know that I'am IMPORTANT!

Astro suggested a great book-

Maybe try an Al-Anon meeting and see if that maybe another option for you-

I was reminded on another thread of this post "What Addicts Do" and I will tell you it has to be one of the greatest threads to remind us that we are not crazy! Our behavior mind you contributes to the addict we are not innocent by any means but it gives you another perspective.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html


So sorry you are going through this! Stick around this time! Glad you are back!

venusinlibra

I always found that to be strange as well. Why lie? I was told by my ABF if I tell you the truth you'll get mad. What makes me mad is the lies? I think they do it out of shame, habit, hungover, etc. It will drive you crazy sometimes. Find a good Alanon group and sponsor. It will allow you to have a friendly place to get support. Best Wishes.

seasondoff

Thanks for the responses. I tried an Al-anon meeting about a month ago and ended up in the concurrent AA meeting and didn't realize it until WAY into the meeting and was too embarassed to get up an leave. I'm working up the courage to attend another.... this time hopefully with one that doesn't have an AA meeting happening at the same time.

I also am going to try to go to a lunchtime/daytime meeting so I don't have to arrange for my AH to take care of our child. He usually makes it very difficult for that to happen if he knews that I'm trying to get healthy.

I'll see if I can find the books mentioned at my library. :-)

Astro

I lied to cover up the lies I told, then I'd lie some more to cover up that one, then I'd lie to hide the lies that I probably told you the day before. And if my ex got mad, then I'd lie to try to make her happy. And so on, and so on, and so on............

seasondoff

That's exactly how we are living and it's so frustrating!!!!! He even lied about taking his Aunt to the airport?? He told me he didn't, but he did and she sent us a postcard thanking him for it and i was like WTF? I dont' care if he drives his aunt to the airport!!!!

denny57

Welcome back, seasondoff!

I got hung up on the "is he bad" question, too. I learned over time it isn't about whether he is a good or bad person, it's about do I have a life I want? The answer became no and I came to understand that I was the only one who could change that.

Keep posting!

Lady BlueMiles

I remember the time I first realized my AH was a liar.

It was when we used to still have dinner together after work. I came home and had started preparing dinner. I called him on the cell to find out about how much longer he was going to be to start the cooking.

I was sitting at the dining room table gazing out the window as his phone was ringing when I suddenly noticed him on the sidewalk across the street. I saw him take the cell phone out of his pocket, begin our conversation and watched him walk RIGHT PAST OUR HOUSE. He had parked his car up the street where I couldn't see it and was heading toward the local bar. He had some long drawn out excuse about work why he was going to be late. Of course he came home ****faced hours later.

I'll never forget it.

seasondoff

It hurts when it's such a bold face lie right in your face. I guess by now it shouldn't hurt anymore.

Rella927

Yup I remember that one well! Especially when mine was caught!

Me: "Why did you lie about it?" (Dumb codie like he is going to tell the truth)

Him: "I knew you would get mad, so I thought if I did not tell you all of the truth then it would not get you mad!" (Avoid! and ummm all of the truth? LOL!!!)

Thanks for that reminder Astro! Ha Ha

I actually tried to lie once or twice and I honestly just cannot do it! I forget what I'm lying about before I lie and then If I try well we will not go there I kind of look like this: