Cheyne

So, so right!

That, and a little leaflet I got from Al-anon called "Detachment" helps me see . . .

It's about control.

The Al-anon leaflet says we learn:

"Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery."

Another thing I found very interesting was it says we learn:

"Not to create a crisis"
"Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."

Not to hijack pineapple's thread, but maybe this will validate the other posters' explanations of Why They Call:

The A wants his codie . . . And to be honest, this codie wants her A to some extent.

This was very clear in my case after a couple weeks of cutting off contact with the xABF. First a humble "just seeing how you are" phone message, then emails every few days. I wrote back, cordially but curious and noticed his tone got more and more assertive over time.

When we talked for the first time in over a month, somewhere in the convo were the cues of control, casual references to triggers of mine. It was disturbing but I couldn't put my finger on why. I can believe it's not conscious, but i do think it was the A brain at work subconsciously.

Afterwards, it was bugging me, so I called a mutual friend. I did not trust something the xABF told me. The friend was all flustered but personally I don't care what this person thinks of me. His reaction told me what I needed to know.

About 15 mins. later, I got an angry, indignant call from xABF. He called me to tell me I was "inappropriate" in speaking to this person.

It pushed my buttons, definitely, and it got my codie rush going. But on the positive side, I saw it for what it was . . . It is very hard to lose an A!!

I told him (NOT calmly) "You are in no position to be telling me what is appropriate behavior. I did that for ME. I can talk to whoever I want. These people are adults, they can draw their own conclusions. You don't control me." I could have done it better but oh well.

It seemed so stark in contrast to the silence over hte past few weeks. Then he said he understood why I had talked to that friend. In that case, airing out the tension helped me.

What I am hoping is helpful here is IMHO, I would not have been able to see the "control" mechanism a few weeks ago. So I think the time helps. I know it;s hard, but maybe if you can, don't worry about the A at first . . . worry about you. If the A is recovering, it will show.

So Al-anon and the comments here helped me not "let" MYSELF "let" the xABF use his recovery as a way to manipulate me. I have to remember I cannot control xABF or anybody.

Now it's been a while, I have to agree he is in no shape to have a relationship with anyone, let alone me. It's not a normal ex situation, but actually led to a lot of good. It showed me I needed to work on myself in a lot of ways. It feels like progress.

Hang in there, pineapple, hbb, everyone . . .

Thanks for everyone who recommended Al-anon and for your posts.

Cheyne

lostnfound1961

It doesn't matter if you left on bad turms or good turms. It's done, let it be done. If you are feeling crazy about it.... Leave the phone home or turn it off and go for a brisk walk. Do something that expels energy. Focus on that one thing and calm your self.

Remeber, you only have controle over you and you can not read other peoples minds. When you try..... All you get is worked up. Let it go and maybe think about getting a new number.

He said he couldn't be in a relationship because he needed to focus on his recovory, right? I also remember you haveing more than just friens feelings for him, and that you wanted a relationship, so if all he wants is to be your friend (even if he is a nice guy) you will end up getting hurt.

Give your self time to calm down and realy think this through before you do anything. (when you give others power over you, you loose your self) Take it back.
Hugs.
D

minnie

P, are you getting any outside support, like counselling or al-anon?

hbb

Cheyne,

Thank you for that post. Very very helpful. I sometimes read these posts and wonder why my ex doesn't call and then i guess other times i'm glad he doesn't because i do feel easily persuaded to fall back into a bad way with him again. And for me it's not just alcohol. I guess i thought if it was just that i could deal but it's a WHOLE lot of issues.

Pineapple, stay strong, your doing just fine.....keep thinking of when you were ok before your vacation and focused