Rella927

IMHO= In my honest opinion

pineapple2007

oh, ur saying he knows how to pull my strings at this stage of the game?

WELL HE IS THE ONE THAT LET MEEEE GO. HE ENDED IT. HE CALLED THE SHOT. AND I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO ROLL WITH IT....AND I AM.. SO WHY IS HE BACK. u think he doesnt want to loose me?

Pick-a-name

I think he is an alcoholic who is thinking and acting like an alcoholic....it's all about him. Maybe he wants a little ego-boost knowing he can still rattle your cage,etc....I do not know; possibly he does not know. (I do know that the minute I ignore my exAH,and he left and divorced me,is the minute I have his complete attention,whether I want it or not. As soon as he has it,he no longer wants it and pulls back....part of the "dance" we talk about here.) One thing I DO know,even if your guy was not drinking on the vacation, his behavior is not healthy(nor considerate to you). My opinion:I would suggest you stay out of his way for a bit and let him wonder what YOU are thinking instead (if anyone wants to get into that trap/game). I think his call "worked"...your focus is back on him and off your own recovery. Hard as it can be, I think you would best serve yourself and peace of mind by continuing to work on your recovery and let him do the same (if he wants to).

Take what you want and leave the rest.

I'm not saying this is easy.I know it is not! Been there/done that...many times. (I am guessing most of us have been thru this toooooo many times!) I have found it is better for me when I calm down and recenter myself before I react and regret it later; but that's me. Hope you feel better today.

Rella927

Pineapple hon relax...no one is trying to get you upset we are all here to try to help you....

Did you read this yet? "What addicts do"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

read it may help you to understand a bit.....and read some more stickies at the top of the forum page.

Pick-A-Name said it 100% put the focus on you again and off him!

Satchel

Take it for what it is. He called -- you may not have been ready to talk (maybe a HP working here) and you press on. Stay in the now.

With 57 days of sobriety I can promise that my emotions for my wife are all over the place and at times a simple check in is beneficial to me. He is an alcoholic so I would not suggest trusting his motives.

For me I can get into fear real easy -- in particular that my wife will want to leave me for good. The only thing I can do is to ask "what is the worst thing that can happen?" and take the fear and power out of the problem.

I must always look to a power greater than myself to give me guidance and the power to act.

I am sorry for your pain and wish you blessings of peace.

hbb

(((Pineapple)))) you are doing just fine. Sounds to me like your ex wants his cake and eat it too. Wants to make sure your still there and available. Mine on the other hand probably won't call because i never called him back and screamed at him when he was leaving my apt. Mine is a total coward. Although, i do know how you feel, i often wonder if my ex will call but doubt it. Stay strong. If he's calling to say "hi" and hear your voice, i wouldn't call back, he's looking for reassurance and why should you give him that?? Like someone said above, he decided to let you go.....keep remembering that

p.s. My friend Mark told me, as soon as you call him back, once he hears your voice and gets what he wants from the call, he then sits back and says "i've got her right where i want her" and my friend said then there goes a month or 2 knowing he doesn't have to contact you because he knows your there.....while YOUR mind is then spinning for the next month or so and your ex is just sitting back....don't give him that power

pineapple2007

thanks for that.
But I keephaving this thought.
Because he told me that all the women he has been with dumped him and left him high and dry and didnt give a crap/love him.
I just wanted to be that person that was different. that didnt do this to him. I know I didnt dump him, he left me! But i still want to be that caring person in his eyes. I know im messed up. and i should be thinking about ME. but why am I still trying to fight this damn battle. I guess because its early..and still fresh for me (last time i saw him was 3 weeks ago)....
I just want to let go and not care what he thinks. but I care so much!

He called-and I am pressing on. I was pressing on when i saw his name light upon my phone and I just looked at it til it stoped ringing.

((((((((satchel))))))) u and ur wife are married. i can understand u having fear she will leave. but HE LEFT ME! HE BROKE IT OFF WITH ME, i am sure hes not scared or even cares if I am gone for good. so whyyy

hbb

"Because he told me that all the women he has been with dumped him and left him high and dry and didnt give a crap/love him."

Not to be blunt but what you mentioned above.....there's a reason why they dumped and left him......don't get stuck again......jmho

pineapple2007

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hbb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks for that!!!!!!!!! are you sure though? what if heis thinking.... "OH SEE, SHE NEVER REALLY GAVE A SH!T about me..."

I totally understand that "mind will be spinning" I can totally see that happening!
but then what if i look at it as a friendly call? I NEED TO STOP THIS BACK AND FORTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! URG!!!!!!!!!!!

sunshine321

Are you in Al-Anon? Are you working a program for you? It sounds like he's getting better but your are not. (JMO) Maybe I'm wrong, but you don't sound like you are thinking clearly right now. Like you are in crisis. How about a therapist? Give yourself a break and be kind. Do something for you and only you that will make you happy. And get out of your own head. Do you do something that distracts you, like a crossword puzzle or knitting or something? Even watching BS TV sometimes works. Many ((((( )))))) to you. You will get through this.

Jenny

hbb

I know that i'm probably the last person to talk here because i'm in the same situation, my ex is sober and left me. I guess seeing it in someone elses eyes i can try to help and maybe it will click with me someday I think, for ME, if i called my ex, NOTHING good would come out of it, he would go about his business and know i was still thinking of him. Someone told me for my recovery to make myself a big old question mark in his mind. It's so easy for our brain to forget the bad. I have to keep reminding myself MY EX LEFT ME.....you and i didn't do anything wrong. Who cares what he thinks, in my opinion, he's a selfish person to have called you in the first place never mind go on a vacation with you........i would dive into Al Anon or a therapist FOR YOU

pineapple2007

honestly. that is exactly waht I want to do. I want to leave my body. I want to just escape. I do the same thing every day. work home cry. work home cry. I know I need to do something different.... i am in the process of getting my drivers licence...but i am waiting for my instructor to call me. I wanted to take up canoeing but I cant before driving....and like.... frig I feel so stuck. anyways nevermind all that.

Satchel

(((((Pineapple))))) --- I can only say that for myself I have had many occasions where I have said (to myself) "I'll just leave her and see how she can get along without me." This is knee-jerk, selfish, and dishonest. I again say "Do not trust his motives." If you can be grateful that he contacted you to check in that may help to bring some peace. I know that I am grateful anytime my wife asks me to do something with her and the kids -- I have had to stop asking why. For me that is thinking and my best thinking is what got me here.

The games the alcoholic mind can play are baffling. We as dependent (chemical or Co) can only take care of ourselves. I spent years believing that my wife was trying to control me. Now being sober I realize how sick I am and how passively I was controlling her/us.

Let go and Let God

MsGolightly

ditto. pineapple, how can you be so sure he hasn't been drinking, anyway? the only one that really knows is himself. i couldn't tell you how many times i was 100% positive my ex wasn't drinking, when she really was. i never assume anything anymore. only if i spent 24/7 with her would i be able to determine whether or not she had been drinking. and, like pick said, 3 months doesn't necessarily mean recovery. it doesn't mean it's going to stick, it doesn't mean life is going to go on happily ever after. i'd give it a year or two.

as for why he called, i think hbb is right. my ex could go weeks without contacting me, and the second she was bored or lonely or felt me slipping away, the phone calls and emails would return. then, i would even get the promise that we would be friends (and i bet most people on this board have heard from their As about how everyone before them treated their A so poorly, left them feeling abandoned, etc, and they themselves didn't want to be another one to do that to their A - we've probably all heard it).

things would be fine for a couple of days - it would be like we really were friends. then, all of the sudden, my phone would stop ringing. no more emails. i would be totally ignored. she had me exactly where she wanted me - waiting by the phone, knowing that she could lure me back in at any time she needed to.

if he cared about you, he wouldn't be calling. he would be respecting the end of the relationship and your wishes. it really doesn't matter how things ended. my ex and i ended as friends, no abuse or big blowouts, and for a long time, i also used that as an excuse to hang on.

i know you're feeling like this now, but you're letting yourself do this to YOU. don't let him push your buttons. and don't show him that you'll be there everytime he needs something. he can't miss you if you're not gone.

pineapple2007

ok, i am going to put an end to this thinking.
I will not call. I will let him miss me. and if it is really important than he will call again. I want to end this battle in my mind.

hbb

InThis.....VERY VERY WELL SAID thanks for that, i needed that too!!! I feel i can preach sometimes and have no right to!! Pineapple, you will be ok, he's doing what he set out to do and it's probably working, don't feed his addiction anymore. Like InThis said, if he respected you, he would respect your wishes. Someone told me, that before , when i asked why my ex didn't call me they said he probably didn't want to further hurt me. Who knows, but you should dive into some activities...i'm going full force back to the gym after vacation

pineapple2007

I DONT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME!!!!

how did u get over that? how do u press past this?

Pick-a-name

Thanks for this post and all the responses.............it's a good reminder for me. Much easier to see things when you are not quite as close and my own emotions are not the ones twisting. Hopefully the next time this situation arises for me (or any one reading this) I will be better prepared to do the healthy thing quicker and easier.

MsGolightly

i don't know if the feeling ever really goes away... but it diminishes through time. from reading the stories of others here, i was able to put things in perspective and see that As are able to twist and manipulate things around (sometimes unintentionally) in order to keep people like us around. i'm not saying they haven't been hurt or abandoned, but lots of other people in the world have too, not just alcoholics. often, they latch onto us and say what needs to be said in order to make us feel bad and guilty and to make us keep coming back. does that make any sense at all?

Mskattie

Pineapple, I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I myself is going through a lot of similar situations, even though I have not heard from my ex this time. I have given in and took calls from him in past, and what I learned from my experience with my ex is that I always ended up feeling like a fool afterwards because he will say what I want to hear at the moment (i.e. I miss you, I will make such and such promises, etc) and there is no actions to follow through with what he says. Then, I end up being at the same place where I was, being disappointed all over again. I am not saying that your ex is going to be like that, but I will avoid myself from another heartbreak and will not take that call or call him back. I I always tell myself that if he really needs to talk to me for some reasons, he will leave me a message explaining the needs or even write to me if there is something he really needed to tell me. I think if he needs you for some important reason or if he is seriously considering to have your friendship back, then he should be doing much more than just giving you a casual call. Hang in there & take care.