Hello Everyone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Hello Everyone
I stumbled on this site about a week ago and have been reading the posts from many of you here. I’ve lived with an AH for over 20 years now and I don’t know where to begin to describe how bad things have become. It wasn’t always this bad but has become a nightmare this past year.
My life is now in total shambles in every way and I just don’t know what to do.
I can’t take it anymore and I know I have to leave him and feel faced with insurmountable obstacles. I used to feel hopeful planning and waiting for the day I could leave. I rented a storage locker and started putting some things in storage to start over and saving a few bucks here and there but now I just feel depressed and that the day will never come. I’m 55, and don’t make a lot of money. I make about 10 bucks an hour as a bank teller and don’t see how I can earn enough to support myself. I don’t have a strong support system. I have a brother and a sister both with spouses. I think they would be generous for a month or two to help me get out of the house, but at some point I have to figure out what to do after that. I think the biggest problem is I need to be able to make enough to support myself after I leave. After checking out the prices of apartments, car payments etc I literally don’t know how I can possibly do it.
I would literally be leaving with nothing but some clothes and what little I have saved and packed away in storage with very little savings, no car, etc and no job/income or medical benefits which I really need right now. I would have to quit my job and hope to find another right away. I live in NJ and my sister lives in NH and my brother lives in FL.
I’ve searched out local Al-Anon meetings on the Internet for face-to-face support and a sponsor sounds like it would be a big help, but it won’t be easy for me to hide going to the meetings from AH and I will need to hide that from him. If he found out about it my situation would just go from worse to scary because of his dominating/control issues.
All I can do is cry a lot. I’m at a total loss.
I want to thank you all for being here. I didn’t know if this would be right for me but just reading the posts has helped me so much. At least I don’t feel so alone.
My life is now in total shambles in every way and I just don’t know what to do.
I can’t take it anymore and I know I have to leave him and feel faced with insurmountable obstacles. I used to feel hopeful planning and waiting for the day I could leave. I rented a storage locker and started putting some things in storage to start over and saving a few bucks here and there but now I just feel depressed and that the day will never come. I’m 55, and don’t make a lot of money. I make about 10 bucks an hour as a bank teller and don’t see how I can earn enough to support myself. I don’t have a strong support system. I have a brother and a sister both with spouses. I think they would be generous for a month or two to help me get out of the house, but at some point I have to figure out what to do after that. I think the biggest problem is I need to be able to make enough to support myself after I leave. After checking out the prices of apartments, car payments etc I literally don’t know how I can possibly do it.
I would literally be leaving with nothing but some clothes and what little I have saved and packed away in storage with very little savings, no car, etc and no job/income or medical benefits which I really need right now. I would have to quit my job and hope to find another right away. I live in NJ and my sister lives in NH and my brother lives in FL.
I’ve searched out local Al-Anon meetings on the Internet for face-to-face support and a sponsor sounds like it would be a big help, but it won’t be easy for me to hide going to the meetings from AH and I will need to hide that from him. If he found out about it my situation would just go from worse to scary because of his dominating/control issues.
All I can do is cry a lot. I’m at a total loss.
I want to thank you all for being here. I didn’t know if this would be right for me but just reading the posts has helped me so much. At least I don’t feel so alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome Lady Blue, glad you're here!
Are there any lunch time meetings near your work? I have a Tuesday one I attend and some people can only stay for part of it, but still it helps. You'd get phone numbers, etc. I did not tell AH that I was going, either. I found meetings that would be at times when I could give a reason for being out - grocery shopping, "errands," going to a movie. I hope you can work something out.
I know the fear of not being able to make things work on your own. None of my fears have come true and every day I believe things will always work out for the best. Have you thought about searching for a roommate situation or renting a room somewhere for a little while? Is there any way to be looking for another job while still in the one you have? Do you want to leave the area completely?
Sorry for so many questions.
Keep posting - you are NOT alone and sometimes just knowing that is a good start.
((()))
Are there any lunch time meetings near your work? I have a Tuesday one I attend and some people can only stay for part of it, but still it helps. You'd get phone numbers, etc. I did not tell AH that I was going, either. I found meetings that would be at times when I could give a reason for being out - grocery shopping, "errands," going to a movie. I hope you can work something out.
I know the fear of not being able to make things work on your own. None of my fears have come true and every day I believe things will always work out for the best. Have you thought about searching for a roommate situation or renting a room somewhere for a little while? Is there any way to be looking for another job while still in the one you have? Do you want to leave the area completely?
Sorry for so many questions.
Keep posting - you are NOT alone and sometimes just knowing that is a good start.
((()))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Thanks for the reply Denny. It means alot right now.
I have two locations very close to my house in the evenings at times I can make after work. I get out of work around 6 with a half hour drive home. And the meetings are at 7 or one at 8:00. One is in walking distance! Unfortunately I only get one half hour break in my work day and not sure if there is anything close to my job. But that was a great idea. I'm going to keep that in mind for the future when that could be an option when I move.
I've already DEFINATELY decided to start Al Anon. I think the evenings locally might be my only option. I have to check if there is anything not to far away on Saturdays But I am afraid/nervous of consequences if I don't show up at home after work or if he finds out. Like Monday night my boss treated us to dinner after work for an excellent job getting product referrals. AH got home from the bar just as I was pulling in the yard about an hour and half later than usual. He was very threatened by that and started asking me where I was, threatening not to let me have the car anymore. Told me to find another way to get back and forth to work and that's HIS car, verbally abusive stuff like that.
For a little more background, AH has had a problem for years but didn't let it show that often. Every now and again the other shoe would fall and he would come home stinking drunk or have a three or four day binge. Over the years he was always a hard worker and good provider. The good in the person outweighed the bad of the disease but not anymore.
Two years ago he lost his job and found himself with an identity crisis and more free time. He's close to retirement age and decided to start a little handyman business for extra money in old age. He spent a fortune on tools, bought a used van to haul stuff around in etc and now considers himself "semi retired". Only I don't see him earning/working very much. I could see early on it was going to be financial downfall and he didn't see it coming until now we are bancrupt with bills and debt that can never be paid back. We own a house and rental property and for the first time, we can't pay the mortgage or bills this month.
This past year he started to realize the financial mess we're in and started drinking and hasn't stopped. He blames me for all of it and is becoming more and more irrational, dominating and controlling. The only time he doesn't come home ranting and raging is when he's just to tired to do it and needs to stay home and rest up!
The roomate idea is a good one. I talked to my brother tonight on the phone to give him a heads about my life since my first post. I'm going down there in October for my niece's wedding. He told me if I need to come sooner that would be ok. He also told me there are some RV parks that you can stay long term at in Florida. If I can hold out long enough to save for one the lot rents are cheaper than an apartment for starting over purposes. That's another idea.
I'm not going to stay in NJ for a few reasons. One, I don't think I could afford it and two I have no reason to stay. My two good girl friends have moved away to take care of aging parents and I have no family here.
I have to go to bed. Thanks for letting me vent and for some good ideas.
I have two locations very close to my house in the evenings at times I can make after work. I get out of work around 6 with a half hour drive home. And the meetings are at 7 or one at 8:00. One is in walking distance! Unfortunately I only get one half hour break in my work day and not sure if there is anything close to my job. But that was a great idea. I'm going to keep that in mind for the future when that could be an option when I move.
I've already DEFINATELY decided to start Al Anon. I think the evenings locally might be my only option. I have to check if there is anything not to far away on Saturdays But I am afraid/nervous of consequences if I don't show up at home after work or if he finds out. Like Monday night my boss treated us to dinner after work for an excellent job getting product referrals. AH got home from the bar just as I was pulling in the yard about an hour and half later than usual. He was very threatened by that and started asking me where I was, threatening not to let me have the car anymore. Told me to find another way to get back and forth to work and that's HIS car, verbally abusive stuff like that.
For a little more background, AH has had a problem for years but didn't let it show that often. Every now and again the other shoe would fall and he would come home stinking drunk or have a three or four day binge. Over the years he was always a hard worker and good provider. The good in the person outweighed the bad of the disease but not anymore.
Two years ago he lost his job and found himself with an identity crisis and more free time. He's close to retirement age and decided to start a little handyman business for extra money in old age. He spent a fortune on tools, bought a used van to haul stuff around in etc and now considers himself "semi retired". Only I don't see him earning/working very much. I could see early on it was going to be financial downfall and he didn't see it coming until now we are bancrupt with bills and debt that can never be paid back. We own a house and rental property and for the first time, we can't pay the mortgage or bills this month.
This past year he started to realize the financial mess we're in and started drinking and hasn't stopped. He blames me for all of it and is becoming more and more irrational, dominating and controlling. The only time he doesn't come home ranting and raging is when he's just to tired to do it and needs to stay home and rest up!
The roomate idea is a good one. I talked to my brother tonight on the phone to give him a heads about my life since my first post. I'm going down there in October for my niece's wedding. He told me if I need to come sooner that would be ok. He also told me there are some RV parks that you can stay long term at in Florida. If I can hold out long enough to save for one the lot rents are cheaper than an apartment for starting over purposes. That's another idea.
I'm not going to stay in NJ for a few reasons. One, I don't think I could afford it and two I have no reason to stay. My two good girl friends have moved away to take care of aging parents and I have no family here.
I have to go to bed. Thanks for letting me vent and for some good ideas.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome. It sounds great that you are putting a financial + escape plan together.
You are still young and have lots of life left. It is important that you move toward happiness and joy. There are lots of mature people who rent rooms with full house priviledges. You have options you just have to figure them out. This is not HOPELESS.
You are still young and have lots of life left. It is important that you move toward happiness and joy. There are lots of mature people who rent rooms with full house priviledges. You have options you just have to figure them out. This is not HOPELESS.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Lady,
The other girls have given you great advise..
I am Joanne, I left my husband nearly 14years ago. My 3 children were very young at the time and I had about $300. The emotional trauma we all went through was the scariest time of all. I didnt have a plan then and knew I had to start making changes. I went back to adult school, gained some certificates, had to really watch every cent I spent, got a part time job that turned into fulltime. The guilt of putting my kids into childcare didnt help either. I somehow managed over the years to go from a part time receptionist, to a sales rep, to the state manager to the Aust Manager in those years. I saved every dime I could and bought a house, plus 2 others with the money I got from the separation. At the time I thought my world was coming apart and I would never make it. SO I got busy living and providing for my kids. My ex has never given me one dime to provide for my 3 children and I dont know how he sleeps at night, but I figure its his conscious not mine.
You are still young with plenty to offer and a wonderful life to live. What I started thinking was that I could do anything I put my mind to. I had two motos -
:what have I got to loose and if I dont ask, I'll never get.
Let people know your situation and You may be surprised - A firm believer now that there is a message in everything that is said to you. If you listen carefully, you will hear the answers, if that makes any sense.
I know lady, you may be scared at what you think is, but start thinking of what can be.
You can do it and you deserve much more.
The other girls have given you great advise..
I am Joanne, I left my husband nearly 14years ago. My 3 children were very young at the time and I had about $300. The emotional trauma we all went through was the scariest time of all. I didnt have a plan then and knew I had to start making changes. I went back to adult school, gained some certificates, had to really watch every cent I spent, got a part time job that turned into fulltime. The guilt of putting my kids into childcare didnt help either. I somehow managed over the years to go from a part time receptionist, to a sales rep, to the state manager to the Aust Manager in those years. I saved every dime I could and bought a house, plus 2 others with the money I got from the separation. At the time I thought my world was coming apart and I would never make it. SO I got busy living and providing for my kids. My ex has never given me one dime to provide for my 3 children and I dont know how he sleeps at night, but I figure its his conscious not mine.
You are still young with plenty to offer and a wonderful life to live. What I started thinking was that I could do anything I put my mind to. I had two motos -
:what have I got to loose and if I dont ask, I'll never get.
Let people know your situation and You may be surprised - A firm believer now that there is a message in everything that is said to you. If you listen carefully, you will hear the answers, if that makes any sense.
I know lady, you may be scared at what you think is, but start thinking of what can be.
You can do it and you deserve much more.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome Lady Blue. You've found a wonderful group of people in here.
You are planning and that's an important step. I found I started feeling a bit better as soon as I made a decision as to what I had to do and started planning to get there.
I'd suggest consulting an antorney if you can, especially about the properties you own. Perhaps selling them would be appropriate? It would get you out of the financial problems with the mortgages at the least.
You are planning and that's an important step. I found I started feeling a bit better as soon as I made a decision as to what I had to do and started planning to get there.
I'd suggest consulting an antorney if you can, especially about the properties you own. Perhaps selling them would be appropriate? It would get you out of the financial problems with the mortgages at the least.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Lady Blue! Glad that you found SR! Read some stickies at the top of the forum page!
Denny has given as always excellent advice in regards to AL-Anon and finding maybe one during lunch.
Staying in NJ (I live here too) is just not an option anymore as I can relate! I also had thought of moving to where my family is in Florida. Your brother is right if that is the point that you feel that you are at in your life and you are ready to leave!
He has made choices....now you will need to make choices for YOU!
Denny has given as always excellent advice in regards to AL-Anon and finding maybe one during lunch.
Staying in NJ (I live here too) is just not an option anymore as I can relate! I also had thought of moving to where my family is in Florida. Your brother is right if that is the point that you feel that you are at in your life and you are ready to leave!
He has made choices....now you will need to make choices for YOU!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Thanks to every one of you for the warm welcome and great advice! I don’t think I’ve experienced such inspiration and support in a very long time. I’m hoping to get to know all of you better.
I’ve thought about each response and made a quick list to save for the next time I find myself feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.
1. Find an Al-Anon meeting that fits my needs, attend and begin working the program.
2. Realize and overcome my FEARS for the future
3. Move towards Happiness and Joy.
4. Believe that I can do anything I put my mind to knowing I have nothing to lose.
5. Listen for the answers.
6. Investigate my options and realize this is not hopeless.
7. I can plan to leave practically by consulting an attorney, or look into roommate situations, think about selling my properties. (I would love to do that), or consider moving to a more affordable area.
8. He made his choices and now I need to think about me and work on my own issues and rebuild my life.
It’s quiet at my house tonight. AH must be resting up again and even had dinner ready when I came home from work. (First time this week we’ve had a normal dinner and him being sober.) I’ll actually get a chance to concentrate and read some of the stickies. I think some background on the 12-step program will be useful before going to my first meeting. Thank you all again for being there!
I’ve thought about each response and made a quick list to save for the next time I find myself feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.
1. Find an Al-Anon meeting that fits my needs, attend and begin working the program.
2. Realize and overcome my FEARS for the future
3. Move towards Happiness and Joy.
4. Believe that I can do anything I put my mind to knowing I have nothing to lose.
5. Listen for the answers.
6. Investigate my options and realize this is not hopeless.
7. I can plan to leave practically by consulting an attorney, or look into roommate situations, think about selling my properties. (I would love to do that), or consider moving to a more affordable area.
8. He made his choices and now I need to think about me and work on my own issues and rebuild my life.
It’s quiet at my house tonight. AH must be resting up again and even had dinner ready when I came home from work. (First time this week we’ve had a normal dinner and him being sober.) I’ll actually get a chance to concentrate and read some of the stickies. I think some background on the 12-step program will be useful before going to my first meeting. Thank you all again for being there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Lady,
Kglast is right, you sound like you have some obstacles but that you are thinking very straight and working on how to overcome them. Changing what you've always done is scary but achievable. Just keep working on your plan and sharing and learning. I was amazed how things fell into place when I needed to finally make my move. Welcome aboard.
Kglast is right, you sound like you have some obstacles but that you are thinking very straight and working on how to overcome them. Changing what you've always done is scary but achievable. Just keep working on your plan and sharing and learning. I was amazed how things fell into place when I needed to finally make my move. Welcome aboard.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi,Lady......so glad you are here;but sorry for the reason you got here. I hope you stick around.
Your list was so good,I printed it out for myself,so thank you already to your contribution!
Take care of yourself;you deserve it!
Your list was so good,I printed it out for myself,so thank you already to your contribution!
Take care of yourself;you deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Hi Lady. I'm sorry for the hell you've been through. Sad to watch it unfold, but exciting to see that you may soon have true happiness and be out of that oppressive environment.
Just a piece of advice about the lawyer. Have your questions written down before you go in there. Time is money, your money. So make the best of it.
Just a piece of advice about the lawyer. Have your questions written down before you go in there. Time is money, your money. So make the best of it.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a great place!!!!!
Please add to your list "contacting the nearest Domestic Violence Shelter." They have some wonderful services and assistane. What he is doing to you is MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Abuse is abuse, it does not have to be physical to get help from the DV shelter, anything from housing to therapy to assistance relocating in another city, to referrals to lawyers and legal aid, and lawyers that do "pro bono" (free) work.
His domineering and controlling ways do not have to be a part of your life any longer, if you so choose.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
dominating/control issues.
His domineering and controlling ways do not have to be a part of your life any longer, if you so choose.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I wanted to thank you for this idea. I took the time to do a google before responding. I did find a website of a local DV organization that offers emergency services. I'm going to program their helpline numbers into my cell phone along with the number to the national hotline in case I ever need it.
To date I haven't been faced with the threat of physical abuse and I 'm not afraid of him when he's sober but I can't say I know him at all when he's drunk. He's irrational, angry, vulgar, mean and nasty after a day at the bar.
Frankly I agree being subjected to ranting and raging hour after hour while he's in a drunken stupor is verbal, emotional and mental abuse. It's intimidating to say the least and exhausting.
Thankfully, today is another quiet night at my house. AH is sipping on a Michelob Light watching sports on his computer. Showing me how he can drink and be in control with having just one I guess. But I think the real motive for TWO quiet nights in a row is today was my payday and I know he wants some cash towards bills which in of itself isn't unreasonable.
I've stopped contributing as much as I can get away with whenever I can hide it. He has no clue I'm trying to save to leave. From his perspective I'm holding out monies leaving him high and dry with the bills and him going banckrupt losing everything he ever worked for. I can almost understand him feeling like that and being angry at me. He just does not understand the rest of the story of how we got to this point.
To date I haven't been faced with the threat of physical abuse and I 'm not afraid of him when he's sober but I can't say I know him at all when he's drunk. He's irrational, angry, vulgar, mean and nasty after a day at the bar.
Frankly I agree being subjected to ranting and raging hour after hour while he's in a drunken stupor is verbal, emotional and mental abuse. It's intimidating to say the least and exhausting.
Thankfully, today is another quiet night at my house. AH is sipping on a Michelob Light watching sports on his computer. Showing me how he can drink and be in control with having just one I guess. But I think the real motive for TWO quiet nights in a row is today was my payday and I know he wants some cash towards bills which in of itself isn't unreasonable.
I've stopped contributing as much as I can get away with whenever I can hide it. He has no clue I'm trying to save to leave. From his perspective I'm holding out monies leaving him high and dry with the bills and him going banckrupt losing everything he ever worked for. I can almost understand him feeling like that and being angry at me. He just does not understand the rest of the story of how we got to this point.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Just wanted to chime in and say welcome to the forum. That's a fine plan you've put together so far--you action-oriented-gal, you. Now all you have to do is align your actions with your goals and keep focused on that light at the end of the tunnel. It's already in your view, keep moving forward into the light.
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