Saint Francis

Maybe some of you can relate about how sick I am becoming living with AH. Through all AH's relapses, treatments, injuries, drama, I have been there to support him, but this last time I couldn't deal with it anymore. I've reached out to my friends, family, and SR for support during some of these times of stress. My problem is that I can sense that they and you are fed up with my lack of action. "You need to move out, see a lawyer, turn him in for DUI, cut him off financially, stop the abuse, etc." People ask me daily, "So what have you done? Concentrate on yourself" I see the disappointment when they learn I'm still waiting for a clear sign that this is the right thing to do. That just makes me feel worse and that I can't turn to anyone for support through this difficult time, making me feel even more alone and isolated. But seriously, my situation is difficult. It's hard to leave him when he's so handicapped (but he can drive to get beer) My AH continues to hurt himself and as of this Friday, we have no more medical insurance. March 5 he broke his leg, July 5 he re-injured that leg, July 15 he fractured his medicarpal (foot) on that same leg. All of these were trips to the ER. His accident proneness is taking and will continue to take us down the financial tubes. I probably do need to divorce him, financially, for our sakes. But I'm losing my support system because of my inertia, and my psyche is so drained to take action now. These decisions are so difficult, but everybody acts like it should be so simple and obvious. Guess I'm an idiot.

LaTeeDa

I don't think you are an idiot. Paralyzed by your own fears, maybe, but certainly not an idiot. Someone here once said "when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of making a change, you will make a change." I believe that to be true. When you are ready, when you have had enough, you will make a change. Change doesn't just "happen," you know. It requires action. Maybe you are waiting to see if he will take action. Only you know when you have had enough.

By the way, it is simple and obvious--but it isn't easy.

L

Mair

Saint Francis xxxx you are not an idiot you will do what you have to do when you are good and ready. Hugs

M x

Astro

Guess again. You're not doing anything different than anyone on these boards, we all come here for similar reasons, for support and help with our addictions. You'll know when you're ready to make a change.

Have you reached out to Al-Anon for support? Sometimes when I feel like my support system is failing I have to question whether I'm using the support that's available to me. Usually it's not the system that's failed, it's my perception and expectations of what I should be getting. I'm probably not getting what I want and expect, but the support that I need is available if I take the steps and reach out for it.

LGLG07

((St Francis)) ...
Im so sorry that you feel the way you do and I have been there ! Ah is in the hospital again (5th time) and this time I have a temp restraining order against him and I just could not bring myself to call my parents and tell them . I was so afraid to hear something like 'well are u going to do something now?' or 'what are you waiting for?' 'why are you still there?' . I did eventually call and they were actually very supportive , as they always are .

I think my sign was rehab # 1 (my rowboat) .. my next sign was rehab #2 (my power boat) .. the next was rehab #3 (my helicopter) ... the next signs were rehab 4 & 5 and they were like a smack in the back of my head !

Im glad that I am no longer waiting for HIM to make decisions so I know where my life is going . Time for me to direct my own life and that of my children .

You will know when you get there . I did and the back of my head still hurts !

dollydo

You will be ready,when you are ready to make a change. Until then, the insanity will continue.

Your friends and family are done with him, and don't understand why you are not. They have said "enough", no more, people just get tired of someone who keeps crying wolf, and then does nothing to get away from the wolf. It is just human nature.

You are not an idiot, you just are not ready to make a change, and that is your decision, it is your life, live it as you deem.

My family wanted me to dump my ex-abf long before I actually did it, one day I just stood up and said "Enough" and there was no turning back for me.

Keep posting, the people here have not deserted you, they care.

Sav

You'll also see, when the dust settles, who your true friends and family really are. The true ones will either help you or hold back until you've decided and come back to you.

Don't look at it as just a pushing away/losing of support.

Look at it as the people who care about you have stepped back and are waiting for you to make a decision, that in the end, only you can make. Some decisions can only be made that way.

Alone, in the dark, at two in the morning, when there's no one there but you and your thoughts. Most of life's hardest decisions are made in what appears to be such a bleak landscape.
But in reality, it's a clearing of the jumbled confusion of life, so that you can hear the only voice that matters.

guineapigjude

Saint Francis, You're preaching to the choir! You aren't an idiot, you're codependent and doing the best you can. You're here, so you're taking the steps you can right now.
But do take a minute now and then to breathe and to think about what you want, apart from AH. Start trying to get to know yourself a little better. Everything else will fall into place when you're ready.

lillian

i can relate to what you're saying-- i have various ways of thinking about it. one is that if i get to a point where i have no support for what i am doing, it may be a sign that i need to take some action. the other is, when you don't find the emotional support you need, cling to something- anything--healthy. i feel like i spent a year going to work like a robot, coming home, doing chores, getting in bed, eating, crying, complaining to friends, wantng to kill myself, reading self help books. do what you can to get by. when you are ready for the next take, you will take it. even if it is forcing yourself to exercise, or eat well. you don't have to figure everything out today. if what you want is understanding, and you aren't getting it, is there anything else you can want and could get? e.g., making someone a birthday card, applying for a job, calling three friends a day and asking them how they are? i support you! none of this is easy-- it's a nightmare. sometimes it feels like i have tar all over me-- i'll never rip it all out without tearing myself to pieces. but it feels good to just come on the board and see i'm not alone. and you aren't alone, either.

Godhelpme

(((saint ))) I echo what the others have said. Unfortunately, we often times have to reach a point of being "sick and tired of being sick and tired" before we take necessary action. It's a process afterall.

Sometimes we take baby-steps towards the door and to others it appears we've done nothing. Those baby-steps felt like gigantic leaps for us. Yes, it's really that difficult but only those who have 'been there, done that' understand.

I've been taking baby-steps for at least 10 years now. Finally, I've reached a point of acceptance that my alcoholic husband isn't going to get any better - no matter how long I stay in this mess, regardless of what I do. At long last, I'm turning him over to my Higher Power, the Will of God. No longer am I going to subject myself to this insanity. I'm done. I'm filing the signed documents for dissolution. It's taken me a LONG LONG LONG time to get here. I don't know why; I don't understand it.

I hope you can get here, too. I'll be here for you until you do and once you arrive.

Peace to you.
~ghm

Mr. Christian

Well,
When it hurts enough you will make a move , or you might just stay there and take it.
Depends on how you want to live............

denny57

The worse thing, according to some experts, that can be said to an abused woman is "you should do this or that." Depressed and unable to do it, I feel crappier about myself.

St. Francis, can you please remind me - are you in Al-Anon or individual therapy? My opinion is anyone who can go get themselves beer is not handicapped, but it doesn't matter what I think. Once I got help for me, I came to understand why I stayed and why, in the end, I had to go.

Don't beat yourself up.

Saint Francis

Thanks...it's good to know I still have support here at SR and I take everything you have to say to heart. Yes, I've been to Al-Anon but it's only once a week here. Yes, I've been to therapy, but she moved a month ago and I don't have therapy for this newest crisis. So, I do appreciate your patience. I'm panicked because I know the urgency of this situation. I'd love to take my time to think things through about situation with AH and sort out my feelings, but I may not have time before he financially ruins us and our business. I'm at home tonight playing nurse to his injuries and I resent it/him so much for being drunk and causing them in the first place. He constantly cusses at me for not caring about his pain or understanding his pain or that nobody cares, blah blah. Oh, I do understand pain! I'm just trying to keep my gut in once piece through all this hell. I'm getting away tomorrow night for 4-5 hours to some friends' house for me and my sanity, but I'm sure I will pay bigtime.

denny57

I hoped and prayed AH would get into treatment and stay there. I finally realized I needed to do the same for ME.

((())) Hang in there.

Saint Francis

Just another thing that grips me with fear....I know he's in the last stage of alcoholism and it seems he may die soon. Bums on the street are in much better condition than he is now. He's psychotic, has no control over bodily functions (gross), and can't walk (besides broken foot, he has no balance). He belongs in medical care right now but has no where to go. I can't even keep up with the laundry. Anyway, like in "Leaving Las Vegas," maybe I need to let him live his last days as he wishes. I wish I knew if that meant days or how many months. I still love the man he used to be, and as "Formerdoormat's" experience at her BF's death, I don't want the guilt and sadness of him dying alone. At least I have life insurance on him, small consolation. Wish I could be more optimistic of his prognosis.

Pick-a-name

(((sf)))

parentrecovers

i sure don't judge you, saint francis - you'll absolutely know when you are ready to leave. be safe and here's some hugs, k

lostnfound1961

Mine is not in the last stages and when he doesn't drink he is fine for the most part and that is what makes me doubt my self. I think, what was my problem? (Note my problem) Then when he gets drunk and things turn sour...... I get so lost between guilt, rage, depression and fear.

Don't feel bad about stillbeing stuck in your situation. hell, I'm stuck in mine too.

an'ka

Saint Frances, what if he lives another 12 or 24 or 36 months? Are you compelled to live this nightmare because you don't want to feel guilty after this man is gone? Is loving his former self enough to sustain you through multiple self induced injuries, psychosis, verbal abuse, and financial ruin?

denny57

The way I came to look at this, too, was what if I only had 12, 24, or 36 months left to live? Is this how I wanted to live it?