Sav

You mentioned a therapist who moved. Didn't she take care of a referral for you before she did? If not, it's gross incompetence on her/his part. You could try calling them to get an emergency referral appointment, it would be the quickest way.

My wife had a friend who was a gentle, kind intelligent person, who within a year reached the point your describing (she'd get so desperate for alcohol she'd drink nail polish for the alchoholic content). When we last saw her she was being sent up to I.C.U. with general system failure. She was so brain damaged, she was having seizures and couldn't recognize us. Nothing we'd said before that had helped her stave off her inevitable death. She was always sweet, even when drunk, and deserved better. But no one could help her.
Why do I mention this? I don't know. Maybe it's the thought that sometimes a person just can't be helped. My wife had to finally pull back from her and not be involved in her degeneration.
"She said watching it was like dying thousand little deaths a day."
In the end, all we could do was visit her one last time before she died, and then walk away.

LaTeeDa

None of us can predict the future. What if your "helping" is actually preventing him from helping himself? What if you walking away was the one thing that would make a difference to him so that he would hit bottom? I'm not saying that it is a sure thing, but it is certainly just as likely as the outcome you are imagining.

The only life you have control over is your own. And, like Denny said, the only day you can count on is today.

L

Saint Francis

You know what? I think it's finally sinking in! I'm SOOO grateful for your responses. That, together with reading, talking to friends, and removing myself from the insanity for a day has given me a much clearer perspective. I think I can finally let this all go. I can't live like this for months. What if I only have a few months to live and I'm cheating myself of a life? What if I am keeping him from his bottom by helping him while he's injured? God knows he doesn't appreciate it anyway. Except for the cats' situation, I'd rather be basically homeless than live like this. If I could just shake the guilt and remember that my wedding vows were said to a man who's no longer there. It may take me a week to "get my act together" but I need out. Thanks again.

LoriFitz

it takes a lot to have everything sink in.... i finally removed myself and my daughter from that situation and it was a long drawn out decision. i knew for a long time what i had to do... but i was also guilt ridden, thinking he couldn't do this without me. but like you said... if he keeps depending on you for whatever he relys on you for he will never hit his bottom. i say congratulations... i think you are on your way to having a better life already.

Saint Francis

My appointment with divorce lawyer has been moved up to this Monday. I was so relieved appointment is two weeks earlier. But today, I'm having this nausious feeling and questioning the whole thing. I'm still in shock that it has come to this. Why can't he just stop drinking!!!??? I feel so much like I have no choice financially. He still won't talk to me except to threaten me by taking pictures of week old chili his buddies brought him and put in a crock pot. It proves the diplorable conditions I left him in. I figured he could clean it up. He's not that handicapped...it's right by the beer. I guess he's probably taking pictures of his poop stains in the living room too. I don't feel love anymore, just pity and guilt that I couldn't make the insanity stop. I feel, "If only I had supported him more and better after his returns from rehab and during his sobriety." I left him alone a lot and did my own thing. I really believe I could have done better, and now I'm paying and so is he.

queenteree

Saintfrances, you say he is under medical care. What do the drs. say about his medical conditions? Falling, losing control of bodily functions, etc., are symptoms of Wernicke's Syndrome/Korsoff's psychosis, which at times requires the person to be placed in a nursing home. It is caused by a vitamin B deficiency in long term alcoholism. Next time he falls/gets hurt, etc., call an ambulence on him, tell them and the dr./hospital that he is a late stage alcoholic who can't control his bodily functions and had poor coordination, tell them you fear his has Wernicke's (among other things, he could have severe liver disease causing encephalopathy) and try to have him committed to a home. That way he can live out his last days/weeks/months/years there and you can relax and enjoy your life. Sorry to be so blunt, but if you hold your breath waiting for him to die, just remember, a watched pot never boils.

queenteree

Saint Francis - just read your new post and IMHO, you are not to blame for his relapses, etc. His recovery is up to HIM. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it, you didn't make him drink (you're not that powerful) and he had choices in life after rehab, it's his choice to pick up or not. Please don't blame yourself.

bonbon

I stayed,left,stayed,left, so on and so on....only you will know when you have had enough. I know how alone and isolated you can feel, I got the t-shirt for that for sure. Hang in there and keep in mind what you have already been told about change- it is very true that once the pain of staying the same becomes worse than your fear of change-you will change it.

Take care & Many hugs!

Barbara52

One of the bits of information I remember from my AH's last physical is that he has a vitamin B deficiency. Thanks for making this connection for me. I suspected there was a connection to alcohol but its good to have this confirmed. He has been falling every now and then also.

Loreena

Hi, here is someone to give you support, someone who is going through almost the exact same thing on a daily basis and I am still there as well...I identify with you so much and share all your feelings and emotions. I know for myself that it is coming to a head, I'm waiting around to save the money for the divorce, save for someplace to live and pay for all the fees associated with giving my house back to the bank. I'm so low right now I feel like crap but I feel for you and that is how this support system is supposed to work, friends helping friends.....sometimes the last thing we need when we are in the crapper is "advice", no one has walked in your shoes but you, you feel alone and sad and frightened etc. I too feel all these things. I hope you find the courage as I hope I find the courage to do what needs to be done to get away from these very distructive alcoholics. I know I can't take it anymore and am staying with a freind but it's my house and I have to go back now and then..

a day at a time I'm getting thru it, please feel free to write about your experiences anytime, you need the support very much, I know I do as well. We have to make em responsible for their own actions, all of them! easier said than done. Rome wasn't conquered in a day you know!!! take care of yourself, God bless you!!! L

appleblaster

Saint Francis (that's my favorite saint) you've got a bottom just like your AH does. When you reach yours then you will begin to change (it seems you already have). When you find yourself doubting (like you are today) it would help to get away as you did before....even if its for a few hours, an hour, 10 minutes. When I went through the mess with my EXABF it helped me to think of seeing the people on the ground in front of a tall building. Once you go up several flights of stairs and looked down upon the same people, they were so much smaller and that's because you're looking at them from a different angle. That was my way of remembering perspective.

We tend to become paralyzed with fear and that causes us to have one-track thinking. It is hard to effectively consider your options when you are right in the mess. But....perspective was the saving grace that my Higher Power kept reminding me of. Eventually I was able to place my EXABF in His hands with no guilt or shame.

I wanted to point out a few things you talked about:
"I still love the man he used to be"
Boy can I ever relate to that one!!! It was the hardest thing to get over....the idea that he was NOT the wonderful, accomplished man he presented himself to be or that I made him out to be (it was a combination of both). Its really a classic thing with codependents and addicts.....they seek us, we seek them, we bond instantly then we slowly crumble to pieces. Once you begin looking within for the answers, begin to ask "what is the defect within me that has allowed me to live like this?" is when the answers will come. You will begin to change.

"I don't want the guilt and sadness of him dying alone."
That's a codependent statement if I ever heard one. The only time you should feel guilty is when you do something wrong. If you've done nothing wrong then its stinkin thinkin......part of codependence and its not functional. Guilt will keep you in a bad situation.

Someone once told me that the only thing I was donig wrong was standing in the way of him falling on his butt, because only then could he begin to get up. That one statement caused me to see how dangerous my enabling was. Of course the addict will never accept that. They would enlist the help of their defense tactics like the pot of chili. There are a barrage of weapons that an addict will use to get what they want. They are in constant need...need for booze, need for love, need for sex, need for food, need for justification, etc. Its one of the ways they keep us in the relationship. Its one of the sickest parts of their disease. It is why you feel so resentful but you really cannot pinpoint it. It is why you keep doing things you don't want to do.

And about the pot of chili.....what does he expect to accomplish by showing anyone pictures of these things he finds unacceptable? Who will he show them to? Who polices these things anyway. What will they do, take him away from you??? Being there for someone through sickness and health doesn't mean stay at the expense of your health and sanity. Clearly a tactic to keep you there hun.

Saint Francis don't be upset with yourself. This is part of your journey. People are put into your life for a reason....codependency doesn't just happen overnight. Neither does recovery but if you've only got one Al-Anon meeting a week then you can always come here. I do not recommend allowing this site to take the place of your meetings or therapy but I cannot tell you how much this very message board and the magnificent people here have accelerated my recovery!!!
Read, research (google), talk, post then do it all over again. You are loved.

parentrecovers

hey st francis - i understand that your husband has a horrible disease. but his treatment of you is abusive. and your living arrangement sounds impossible and dangerous.

you deserve a better life and some peace.

you have done the best you can with a very painful and difficult situation. now, let go and let god.

hugs, k

Sav

Try to keep in mind that one of the reasons he isn't stopping is probably because he feels that you'll always be there to be his safety net. And sometimes you've got to pull that away. Maybe when the fear that "This is really happening!!!" hits him if you move out and serve him with papers, he might try to get help.

And don;t worry about his picture taking. If he does that (which I doubt he will), he'll only help your case!

Saint Francis

The insanity continued on Friday...it's hard to escape. He drove up to our business drunk, scaring our employees about his driving. He wanted to talk to my office manager, not me so I had to leave even though I had a lot of work to do. He wanted a pity party and to blame me for everything. I then got the update. AH stayed at the office all afternoon so I had to stay away. Then he rounded up another employee and her daughter to rescue him. After hearing his sob story, the employee bought the whole thing and that I should be helping him, driving him around, and feeding him. She called me to be nice to my husband. There's a slight language barrier so I couldn't explain except to say husband has "mas Servaiso." It's just so frustrating to have the insanity follow me around. I stayed a friends' house again because I was again called names and accused of scaring off more people from helping his helpless self. Had to feed cats today so went home. He cussed me out again then turned around and begged me to help him, he says he has no one and can't bathe or shave. I just cry because it's so "no win" for me. I gave in and helped to shower and feed him, all the while feeling like I'm stopping him from hitting his bottom. Then later AH starts in on me again about how his drinking is my fault and how awful I am for abandoning him when he's so helpless. It just seems like he and so many people think I'm a heartless "b*tch" for not helping my poor husband but they don't understand how sick this disease is making me.

dollydo

Is he disabled for life, or, this due to his current actions? I am a little confused.

Saint Francis

He is disabled from his actions. Fell down drunk and broke leg in March, broke same leg foot this month. However, if he had his coordination and wasn't drinking, he could use a walker instead of an office chair. Last year (exactly a year ago) he lost his ability to walk just from alcohol, according to neurologist. When he quit, he could walk again. So is he disabled for life? Could be.

dollydo

Ok, the reason I asked was that my first husband had polio as a child, wore a brace on his non functioning leg, and walked with a cane. He took care of himself, showered ect.

So, he can correct this, if he wants to, he could take care of himself, it really is up to him, right?

Sounds like he is playing on everyones sympathy, and doing it to the hilt.

Guilt is a self emposed emotion, only one person that can make you feel guilty, you.

I know this is a struggle, and, I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Sav

...maybe you should consider an involuntary commitment. As a wife, you're fully entitled. Call legal aid and ask what you need to start this process if you want to. I wouldn't normally suggest this, but it sounds like he's become a danger to himself and others.

Saint Francis

Well...at the "11th hour" on Sunday pm (my meeting with divorce atty was Monday am and I told him Sat.), AH appeared to turn it around. It almost seems like he gets it. He apologized profusely, begged for my forgiveness, promised to never drink again, and do whatever it takes to give our marriage another chance. I'm skeptical because I know how cunning, baffling, and powerful the disease is. Doesn't matter, I went for divorce consultation today as AH is going through withdrawals, DT's etc. but I ensured he has the meds needed for this and am helping him. I'll wait for a few day to decide. For once, I don't feel hopeless because I have Plan B. My finger is on the trigger...when I say the word and pay the $, atty will draw up the settlement, he signs (he's aggreed to terms already), and I'm free of the madness. AH is aware that if he doesn't comply and does drink again, he's gone. I'm believing I can survive either way now. Could not have said that 3 weeks ago when all the insanity began. Atty scared me enough when she said because the courts may view alcoholism as a disease affecting AH's ability to work, I may owe him alimony beside him getting half. So I can't play the game again this time, emotions aside. I just hope I'm doing the right thing by seeing how this newest attempt at sobriety goes.

parentrecovers

is he getting medical attention? going to aa? counseling?

what about you - alanon or therapy?

i'm proud of you for standing up to the disease.

blessings, k