Saint Francis

I’m at a state of paralysis of what to do. AH has been on his newest relapse/bender for 2 weeks now and totally spiraling out of control. I’m trying to be detached. It just gets worse and worse, and his alcoholic rages more frightening. He came to the office at noon yesterday, drunk. I took his keys and put them in my purse. I guess he saw me do that, grabbed my purse which I tried to grab back. He gripped my wrist really hard as he cussed me out. All of this in front of my office manager. Didn’t see him until 9 pm, he continues his drunken rage at me, threatening to move out and divorce, throwing his stuff in the middle of the living rooms. I stay detached, but it’s my home too. I have had not one night’s peace for the last 2 weeks of rages except when I stay somewhere else.

I plan to leave again for the weekend, but have to leave cats alone with this psycho again. I talked to his psych to see how we can Baker Act him or do something, anything to get him off the road while drunk. He said I can get him to the ER (which he won’t go with me), get him to psych office, or I can call the cops and give them his license number to get him a DUI. Anyone ever deal with this? A wife calling the cops to cause him hardship not to mention the wife’s? I didn’t think I should be accelerating his crises. He has enough of these on his own causing injury to himself and his precious car.

harleygirl92156

My question to you is this....."If he was driving drunk and you knew it and he was in an accident and killed someone say a family or a child, could you live with that knowing you could have stopped it by calling the cops and having him picked up before it happened?"

I never called the cops on my husband when I knew he was drinking and driving, but if I had it to do over, I would in a heartbeat. Not to be mean, not to be evil, and not to get back at him, to have the peace of mind that I did all I could to keep innocent people from being harmed by him...........

Just my opinion and reasons to why I would do it, others may have different opinions, but that is just me, I would have a very difficult time knowing I may have been able to stop it and did nothing.........but that is just me.

harleygirl92156

Also, I would IMMEDIATELY call the cops if he EVER did anything even close to what he did you you at your office or raging at home.

You DESERVE peace in your own home and you shouldn't have to leave. He is the one acting in a violent way and he is the one that should leave the home.......willingly or by removal by the law......either way, you don't have to live like that honey........keep safe and call the law on him..........doesn't mean you are trying to move him to his bottom.........it may not.......just means you are doing what you need to do to keep your self safe.

Astro

He has the potential to injure or kill someone else. If you know he's been drinking and will be driving, call the police and let them deal with it.

harleygirl is 100% correct, what if you do nothing?

Rella927

The first couple times I did not call the cops on mine but when I started to begin to see what this man was doing not only to himself but to me with my contributions I took a step back-I called the cops on him to have him removed from my home-after the awful display of abusing my dogs and me and the cops allowed him to leave in his work vehicle DRUNK mind you! I know alot of them on the force in my town and that was not surprising!

So when I came encounter with him stalking me and the obsessive calls began I knew he was drinking and I was in another town I phoned the cops and they arrested him for breaking the restraining order and DUI! I do not regret it because i had a friend killed by a drunk driver at age 42 and left a beautiful wife and 2 little girls.

When you were attacked in your office you should not have hesistated to phone then but, IMHO we all do things when we are ready-I know others in here as HarleyGirl stated have different opinions. We need to do what is right for ourselves and not for them-It is a hard thing to come out of denial of what they are doing to themselves but I feel at times it was harder for me to let go of my own denial of what he and I were doing to each other. I do not want to do that dance anymore and I know that if I see him or anyone on the road and I can tell for a fact or even a slight gutt feeling they maybe drunk-I will never hesistate to call the cops and protect others out there on the road that stand the chance of losing their lives because someone cannot take control of theirs! And if they are sober then at least I took that chance to save a life or two!

(((Hugs)))) Sorry you are going through this!

Report him for DUI?

IMHO Yes without a doubt!

Saint Francis

Thanks for your responses. I know it's hard to understand why I haven't called the cops. Reason is because of his manipulation of the system and trying to build a case of abuse against me which I witnessed first hand on Sunday, and I don't want to go to jail, even for a few hours....from a previous thread:

"So the I took the carton of cigarettes I bought him, and told him I was taking them out to the porch. I also said I needed to charge my phone so I took the charger. Well, being drunk and not listening, he called the police!!! He screamed at the neighbor to get him some cigs. I was only 30feet away but outside. The police officer asked me what was wrong. I explained. The officer switched it around on me and said I was borderline abusive by taking the cell phone charger away from a handicapped man and stranding him. Huh???? "He can crawl to the beer," I said. "Couldn't you tell how much he had today? " He says, "Well, we've been out here before and if we get called again, somebody's going to jail."
"Good, I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe he can dry out." He says, "I suggest you leave because if we come back, maybe both of you are going to jail. You know, 'he says, she says.' He can't leave because he's stuck." So, once again. I am the one suffering the consequences. I have to leave my home again. This sucks!!!!"

ARealLady

"A wife calling the cops to cause him hardship not to mention the wife’s? I didn’t think I should be accelerating his crises. He has enough of these on his own causing injury to himself and his precious car"

What about all the other people on the road? All the SOBER drivers and their passengers who make the assumption that the other drivers are sober too? Your AH's crises were created by him. What gives him the right to create crises for other people. Please do the right thing and tell the police.

ARL

minnie

Consequence, not crisis.

I couldn't live with myself if I knew someone was out on the road whilst under the influence and did nothing. It doesn't matter if they were a neighbour, someone who left a pub I was in, a family member or a partner. I have a duty as a member of society do what I can to protect the safety of others if I am possession of information that poses a general risk. Would you call the cops if there was a drunk with a gun roaming up and down you street?

dollydo

I am confused, he is so handicapped that he cannot go to the bathroom, yet he can drive? He doesn't sound stuck to me, he sounds like a manipulator, and a good one.

Driving under the influence, is like having a loaded gun in your hand, one wrong move and it can go off, off the road, over an innocent victim.

I agree with the others, if he ever laid a hand on me, I'd call the police, if I knew he was driving while drunk, I'd call...no ifs, ands or buts about it.

Godhelpme

It's hard to think logically while living in the midst of active alcoholism. As the wife of an A, I often struggled with this very issue: call the cops on him when I suspected he was out drinking or not?

So many times I wanted to and thought about calling the police so they could get him off the road. My codependent side worried he would discover that I had done so and it would make my life worse. I worried constantly that he would harm someone else while driving drunk. I was concerned about the financial ruin we'd be left in should he be involved in an accident with injuries or death to others. I would take his keys with me to work sometimes, thinking I could prevent it.

I never did call and looking back, wish I had. Had I done so many years ago, maybe it would've helped us both; I'll never know. Why didn't I? I was afraid and paralyzed with fear. It seems such a simple choice today, but way back when - for whatever reason - I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't think clearly nor could I see the situation fully for what it was. More often than not, it was all I could do to survive each day.

Saint, perhaps you can make the call annonymously (use a pay phone?) or have someone else call? That would take you out of the picture. (That idea never occured to me when I was dealing with this issue....go figure.)

~ghm

embraced2000

i would call the police on anyone that was driving drunk. period. not just my xh, which i have done many times, but anyone.

they are breaking the law, not me.

Saint Francis

I hear what you're saying...just can't bring myself to report him...yet. Forgive me. Other enablers out there should feel the guilt too. He has enlisted two off-duty CNA's to help him. He even drives there to drink beer with them. He had enlisted our employees last weekend. I'm so frustrated because in his present mind, he hates me and tells me this while cussing every day. Then he is sweet and nice to his new enabler friends. They and his whole family thinks I won't help him.

Finally Friday night at 10, he was willing to go to the ER to be committed (he thinks he's Satan and has special powers). I was so hopeful, but he insisted on driving himself. Well, ER was packed that night, and as 5 hours later, we're still waiting in the waiting room, no beds available. He gave up and drove home. There was his/our chance, and once again the system failed us. What do I do now?

I married the man, I loved the man, and he hates and despises me and wants me out of his life (probably 'cause I won't get him beer, I think). He said he would have gone to divorce lawyer, but he was too drunk to drive Friday morning. I'm such a mess and don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to move from my house, but he's "so handicapped" and won't move. Maybe some of you can relate, I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted I can't make decisions.

Sav

Keep in mind that as your husband, you are equally fiscally responsible for any damage he does while driving drunk. So if he has an accident, there's a good chance that a judgement from a lawsuit could be held against you as well, and you'll be paying for however long it takes you to do so (one of the downsides of marriage!).

That in mind, you should do whatever you need to protect yourself. Most people wait until it's to late. The fact that your asking shows that you really don't want to, and that's understandable. Involving a oved one in the criminal justice system is an awful and final thing. It's life changing and life destroying. Once pulled into the criminal justice system, his life will never be the same (yours too!).

But he's probably heading that way anyway. So it's probably better to do it now, before the charges against him are so heinous as to marr his life forever (dead child or such). Maybe it will be just the right amount of *force* to get him into a more receptive frame of mind.
Because once it goes to far, all the courts will care about is locking him up and throwing away the key.

justjo

I went through this predicament myself. The worst part I didnt live with my sister and I knew she was drinking driving. We called the police, they had to catch her doing this before she could be charged. They visited her and even told her the consequences and that they knew what she was doing. Didnt change a thing. So we went to the drastic measure of taking batteries out of the car, pulling off leads, anything so the car wouldnt start. I was even going to take the car away, but the police said that was stealing.
If you are there and you know he is driving drunk or about to, you have to call the police or get the keys somehow. You can not be an assistant to murder or injury.

Heavenlyx3

I reported mine yesterday. He's in jail now. I just feel sick.

Janitw

Hunny you are living.......you are just existing. There is a huge difference. Do you think that we all weren't just as afraid of change? We all were and are. There was life before him and there is life after him....

My XAH drinks and drives every single day....and has for all the 22 yrs we were married and let me tell you something....today he does not drive with my/our property deed stuck to the front of his company truck....now its the OW's. Let this sink in really good.....can you feel the impact of what your life will be when and I say when not if....(just a matter of probability) he hits someone and they sue him, you and whatever else you had planned on leaving your heirs....

He is not wanting to change bad enough which tell us here that the only change that is going to happen in your household will or has to come from YOU. Stay strong hun.

Janitw

That was supposed to say you are not living.....just existing....

harleygirl92156

Honey, why do you think you deserve this for one minute?

I don't care if you love him or not, no one deserves to be talked to this way or treated this way for one minute! Sometimes the people we love are not good for us.

Look within yourself and see if you can find the place that will help you understand why you put up with this for even a minute. The change has to come from you hon, hard as it may be.

My husband use to do whatever he wanted and there were no repercussions from me. Oh, sure I would threaten, but never followed through, I would leave, but always came back, I would cry, plead, belittle and berate him, I would go to the bar and take his keys, all trying to control his drinking. Now I know that was impossible, but was that a hard comcept to accept for a life long codependent!!

I understand what you are going through, I understand how you feel and I understand how hard it is to think straight in the midst of all the drama and turmoil, BUT you need to take care of yourlself and leave him to his own devices. He is handicapped, but it doesn't sound like he has a problem getting what he needs and taking whatever measures he needs to take care of himself. Simply, you need to do the same, DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

atalose

I do understand your love for this man. What I don’t think you are fully realizing is that you are dealing with an active alcoholic whose logic, thinking and words are coming from a brain that is saturated with booze. His words of hate towards you stem from that diseased brain, right now he is NOT the man you fell in love with him. Of course he is going to lash out at you (the one wanting the alcoholic to stop) and yes his enabling friends and family are his salvation right now.

Have you been to al-anon or any codependency meetings? I can’t understand your logic of not being able to call the police to report him driving drunk other then it’s your codependency at work. What gain do you get by NOT reporting him?

Saint Francis

I may contact police at some point. He left yesterday afternoon before I had a chance to think about it and I didn't know where he was going....it was to one of the enabler's homes that I don't know where she lives. He was gone until sometime this morning...came back without his car. He wouldn't talk to me so I don't know the story.

I hesitate to report him for three reasons: He will irretrievably hate me and it will irretrievably end our marriage. It will cause financial difficulty for me also, dui fine and insurance. And I prefer the Baker Act option. I'm still a believer in the natural occurrence of consequences. He's been driving drunk for years and also the years before knowing me and has 2 DUI's to prove it, without my help.

Will I feel guilty if someone gets hurt? Of course. Will I feel guilty if he's sitting in jail because I called the cops? Of course. We all have the right to assume that other drivers are sober when we're on the road, but in reality, 1-10% are drunk. I'm trying my best to both detach and do what's right for society.