lillian

this was off another thread, but i have been struggling with this and thought i'd bring it up:

"It's not people, places or things around me that have to change, it's Me.... I have to change my behaivors, including the places I go to and the people I hang out with.
Until your A realizes and embraces this, he is (IMO) hopeless."

if it isn't the people, places or things that have to change, why change the people you see and places you go?

i guess i am struggling with this because i miss my husband, who says he still loves me but that being with me is "like drinking-"- i am not an AH, by the way. he has leapt into 2 relationships/been deeply in love twice already, the first prompted his leaving me. i am struggling to "get over" him. i wish he'd stayed and worked through things with me instead of running away. he doesn't feel like he could stay sober with me-- why is it easier to get rid of his old life? i didn't drink/get drunk, and certianly didn't like him to be so. i was so excited to have a relationship with his sober. arrgh.

any sharing on this would be appreciated.

MsGolightly

lillian is he drinking now?

i think it boils down to control... if he knows you don't approve of him drinking, what's the point of staying with you. he can't drink or kick you around, which takes a lot of the pleasure out of it for him.

the above quote i think deals with one's lack of control of others around them. an alcoholic that wants to stop drinking can't simply tell his or her friends not to drink. he needs to get rid of his triggers... take a different way home from work that doesn't pass the liquor store... start hanging out with others who don't need to drink every day. but, we can't control what other people do or think. thus, it's only up to us to change our patterns and lives if we want anything good to come from it.

GlassPrisoner

I was the one that wrote that, and it does look a little confusing when re-reading it.

That's the point I was trying to make. You, his other girlfriends, Pamela Anderson, it doesn't matter who he's with. He will drink until he realizes it's HIS problem. Alikes blame their external enviroments for their drinking. (Wife, Job, Car, Money, etc)

When I said changing my behaivor, including the places I go to and the people I hang out with, I was eluding to AA. I go to AA, and I hang out with people in AA. My ex wife didn't cause my drinking, given. But realizing that doesn't mean I can hang out in bars , NOT work a program, and expect to stay sober.

nmt51605

You Have To Realize That For Him To Say That He Cant Stay Sober With You It Means He Hasnt Realized His Problem Yet. There Is Nothing You Can Do Until he Wants To Stop Drinking. Never Blame Yourself For That And I Know That Getting Over A Relationship Is Hard, But Once You Get Through The Pain It Will All Make Sense. If He Was Ment To Be With You He Will Come Back Sober And Ready To Work Thing Out With You. Im Sorry For Your Pain Just Look To The Future And Dont Look Back

lillian

just to clarify, he is sober now; he left me a couple of months into his sobriety.

hbb

Lillian, i understand....that's happened to me, after sobriety he left....my thoughts are with you.

~heather

P.s. Anvilhead....we do understand that "he chose that", but some of us are still more sensitive than others in the progress we have made so far and are still learning, thanks.....

queenteree

To all who have felt the pain of their loved one walking away from them:
I found this on another forum and I printed it out for myself. I think it's inspirational.

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Don't try to talk another person into staying with me, calling me, caring about me, coming to see me, staying attached to me.
I'll hang up the phone and let it go.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to someone that left.
"They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us." For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay....Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something,
I've got the gift of good-bye. It is not that I am hateful, it's because I am faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.
If you are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to.......LET IT GO.
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO. If someone can' treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, LET IT GO.
If someone has angered you......LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO.
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or talents....LET IT GO.
If you have a bad attitude.....LET IT GO. If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better....
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO.
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO. If you keep trying to help someone who won't try to help themselves,
LET IT GO. If you are feeling depressed and stressed....LET IT GO.
Let the past be the past. Forget and forgive the former things. God is doing a new thing in 2007. LET IT GO.
Get right or get left.......think about it and then
LET IT GO.
(author unknown)