LaTeeDa

It really doesn't matter if he has crossed into "no mans land," (whatever that means) or whether a "professional" has diagnosed a problem, or whether his horoscope says it's okay to drink today. The only thing that really matters is this--is the behavior he is exhibiting unacceptable to you? If the answer to that questions is yes, then it's up to you to decide what you are going to do about it. (Notice I didn't say what HE is going to do about it, or what the TWO of you are going to do about it.)

L

splendra

Could it be that your head is spinning because what you know is true is not lining up with what you want?

queenteree

He may have not crossed over into no mans land yet, but if he doesn't get help soon, it will happen. If you read my other posts beginning from last year till now, you will see such a progression, and when I first came here and read what others have gone thru, I definitely did not think my RAH was or could get that bad and was questioning whether he was really an alcoholic or not. Read my posts from this past May and you'll see how far the disease progressed. And I needed to get help for me, I was driving myself totally crazy about it. If nothing else, please give Al-Anon a try and keep reading and posting here. It will help you better deal if and when the progression happens.
Teree

loverof1

I do go to Al-Anon weekly and I have attended a few open AA meetings as well. Im still trying to wrap my brain around all of this. I have many many great years invested in this marriage and I owe myself the time to be able to make a sound decision. I am too emotionally involved to make a rational decision right now. They say that when you have had enough you will know. Until then I will continue to vent and ask for support here at SR.

queenteree

I totally agree with you and support you in that respect. I truly love my RAH, always have and never wanted to end my marriage. I also never wanted to make a rash decision, and I didn't. I needed to work on myself, which I did, and when it finally became enough, I was ready to walk. That is when RAH got sober (not because of it, just happened to coincide with my plans of leaving). I'm glad you are working on you, and you are so right - when you're ready, you'll know it. Until then, I'm glad you'll keep coming here and reading and posting. It's nice to get to know you.
Teree

Barbara52

There is certainly no rush to make decisions of any sort. Take the time you need to understand yourself and what you need.

loverof1

I have to meet with the alcohol assessor again today. My husband is trying to "strongarm" me into downplaying all of the things that have happened over the past several months. He said "the ball is in my court" on whether or not he stays in this family. How can anyone stay strong under that condition? Im screwed no matter what I do. If I dont do exactly what he wants then he will leave and if I do what he wants he will either get better or worse. Majorly stressed out right now.

denny57

If you want him to stay, do exactly what he wants. I did that for years. Yes, he will get better or worse; how about you?

snoozle33

This is the first time that I am posting and unfortunately it has become a very serious situation. Mys sister who at one time was my best friend has become an alcoholic to the point of calling me at work yesterday and telling me she was gonna check out, she had a gun to her head. She has been in the hospital so many times, a 3 month coma once from severe pancreatitis. She has been addicted to one thing or another since she was 18 and she is 49 now. I have such anger towards her the way she keeps threatening to kill herself and all her antics with the cops and the rehabs and nothing ever helps. I mean she is so sick all the time and wasted all the time and everytime she goes in the hospital the doctors do nothing but prescribe her medicine which she eats like candy and then when that is gone she starts the drinking. She is in the hospital now but the usual will happen. They will send her to a psych ward evaluate her keep her for 5 days and send her back home again. It has happened so much her usual hospital turned her away yesterday for evaluation when the cops called them. What do you do at this point?

LaTeeDa

I would suggest putting away the crystal ball and just doing what's RIGHT. You know deep down inside, like we all do, how to be genuine and true to yourself. And sometimes the immediate effects of doing that are negative, but I can promise you that in the long run, you cannot go wrong if you are true to yourself. (((())))

L

loverof1

Problem is that I dont know what is "right" or wrong. I dont know if I overreacted or if he is just filling my head with more lies. I have already told this assessor everything there is to tell and he himself told me that he didnt feel that there was a problem. I dont know if I am right. I was so sure...now not.

LaTeeDa

Yes, it can be hard to figure out what's right or wrong when you are projecting what reactions others may have to your actions. What helps me is to try and put aside what others may or may not do based on what I do. If I do what's right for ME, I can be at peace with my decision, regardless of how someone else reacts to it.

L

minnie

Is it the drinking that's the problem for you, lover, or is it his behaviour?

loverof1

it is the behavior while he is drinking. He is not violent, doesnt call me names, just absent. I want him back...the way he used to be all the time.

duet_4-8

Addicts/alcoholics will lie about whether the sun is shining or not; it's what they do.

If he truly thinks "HE was wrong" then HE is the one who needs to seek help. Communicating better has nothing to do with it. He is just tryng to pass the guilt over to you for what he did.

If he is making an effort, then he is working on his own issues without laying them on you. Is that what he is doing?

It is very confusing, I know. It is very hard to see addiction for what it is. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. The only person you can help is yourself. You are powerless over his choices and his mistakes.

duet_4-8

lover,
If you do what he wants, he will not get better. He will get worse, and he will drag you down right along with him. You are not 'screwed' unless you allow yourself to be. He is using emotional blackmail against you.

loverof1

Well...I was very strong and told the truth. I didnt not sugarcoat anything. Crapper is that he is still not considered an alcoholic, just an abuser of alcohol. So...it will be alcohol awareness classes for him to start and he suggested we go to marriage counseling so that we can work out the issues this whole mess has caused.

minnie

How much does it matter whether he is an alcohol abuser or alcohol dependent? Apart from the fact that in the latter, detox is usually advised?

Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour. I know I spent a while accepting the unacceptable for a myriad of reasons. All that served was to make me very unhappy and for him to realise that my words meant very little.

Counselling is a good idea - I would urge you to consider some on your own too.