manipulation or truth?
 

I have posted several times over the past few months sharing brief descriptions of what has been going on in my life.

My husband has always drank, but it seemed to me that in March he lost total control. He stayed out all night and as usual I was terrified that he was hurt or in some kind of trouble. He told me the next morning that he had a problem and that he didnt know what his body would do to him, but he didnt want to go through treatment that he wanted to do it on his own. He didnt drink for 4 days. On the fifth day he got a call from his buddy and off he went back to the bar to get hammered. He left our family that day saying that he needed time to think about our future. He was gone for a week before he came home crying having felt badly about how he had treated me and the kids, but again said he didnt want to stop drinking.

Three weeks went by before he came home and asked me to go on a date. I went with him and we had a great sober night...like in the old days. He would drink on occasion, but nothing serious.

Then in June we had a really bad night. He asked me to join him to meet up with some friends, but by the time I got there he was already blitzed. He screwed up big time. We argued and I tried to get the keys from his truck, but he slammed my arm in the door and drove off angry. I immediately called and reported a drunk driver, but I knew that they would not pick him up unless he made a mistake so I also called and reported that he had slammed my arm in the door (he tore my shirt and scraped my arm by doing that). He spent the weekend in jail and by the time he got out his head was a bit more clear. He was sorry. Then came the legal fight. The state wanted to force treatment and so did I. He was assessed for alcohol abuse, but was told that there was "hardly a case for abuse". Since then he has been angry with me for having him arrested and we have gone back and forth on who's fault it was with him leaving me and the kids in between...but always coming back saying he was sorry.

Now last night he met with the assessor again, who again said that he didnt feel that there was a serious enough problem to warrant treatment. My husband came home and we talked for hours about why I felt he had a problem. For me it is simple. ...he told me so. I have been fighting for him in every way I know to save this "sick" man from himself.

He finally revealed to me that he had lied about having a problem, but he was out all night and knew that I would be angry so he lied. He figured that I would just let it go then because he was sick and was going to try. Little did he know that I would fight to the death for him.

So....was I wrong? I never would have gone to this extreme had he not told me that there was a problem. I saw a man spiraling, but was it really in my head? Im so confused.

I'm confused - all this stuff is ok as long as he doesn't have a "problem?"

None of it is ok, but the approach to correcting the problem would change.

I know I got very confused when someone else (AH) was telling me my reality was not true. A great book is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. In answer to your original question, I would choose manipulation as the answer.

I would choose manipulation as well. What does a "few drinks" to an AH mean? To me it means 2 beers, or 2 mixed drinks. To him it means he guzzled 5 shots of straight vodka rather than 8. I am often amazed how well he can lie on the spot. Now I know to trust my gut. I've always had suspicions. Once he told me I have been right about almost 100% of my suspicions. Trust yourself.

I think we get caught up in right or wrong black or white thinking sometimes.

Is what he is doing a problem for you? Do you want to live like you are living?

I know how entangled we can get in these types of relationships. Think about you and what you need. What would you be doing for you if your partner was not a factor in your life?

Here is the thing. If he had not told me that he had a problem I never would have went into overdrive trying to find the answer to get him help. He lied. He has always drank, but he appeared to be spiraling to me. Our lives have been upside down for months, but prior to that we have always had a very very good relationship. He asked me to trust him and believe in him that he would do the right thing if he really had a problem. I just dont know now if he truly had a problem or if he just went through a guy crisis. He has been stressed at work, which he brought home with him. He hasnt had a drink that I know of since last Thursday and it is not uncommon for him to go days and even sometimes weeks without a drink, but at that time he told me he had a problem and I took it at face value. It never occurred to me that he would lie about having a problem in order to get himself out of trouble with me.

He did say that he was wrong and that we do need to see a marriage counselor to help us to communicate better. He seems to be making an effort in every way.

Its just so confusing.

You have to ask ? You know the answer. ......

He's going to lie, he's going to deny, he's probably going to continue to drink. He's caught in the grip of a progressive illness. Until he seeks treatment, it will continue to get worse.

I'd follow the advice here and get to Al-anon and work on you.

Oh, you both have a problem....................................please get yourself two very important books to read, both are available on Amazon.com, but your library may have them also;

1. Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattle, and

2. Under the Influence.

There are excerpts, lots of them from Under The Influence at this sticky on Sober Recovery:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Hopefully these will help to open your eyes.

Based on your description of his drinking behavior he is NOT a Normal Drinker.

I will not call him an alcoholic, but what you have described is a Problem Drinker, and many Problem Drinkers progress very rapidly into alcholism.

Please do yourself and your family a big service and start reading.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care a lot!

Love and hugs,

IMO, alcoholics, even after they admit they may have a problem, tend to deny they have a problem once they realize admitting it entails they must stop drinking. Why? Cause they don't want to stop. In a nutshell, if it's creating problems in your life and your marriage, then it is a problem. And if he didn't have a drinking problem, then why won't he just stop drinking, period? My RAH has been sober for 46 days now. I like to have a beer (his drink of choice) now and then, especially on a Saturday afternoon, sitting in my yard, relaxing and reading a book, and RAH doesn't care if I do that in front of him, even now that he's recovering. Says he's the one with the problem, not me. But since he got sober and seriously working the program, I choose not to do that at all, and it doesn't faze me in the least if I never have a drink again. But then again, I don't have a drinking problem. See my point???
And trust me, it is a progressive disease - I never thought it was and said it wouldn't happen to my RAH, but it did. Please keep reading and posting and try a few Al-Anon meetings (or open AA meetings) and work on you.
Teree

Im just questioning myself because I didnt think he had a problem until he said he did. Does it bother me? Yes. Do I think he has gone off the deep end? At times yes. Does he do it everyday? No. The professional in this situation is saying that there is no case for abuse even after talking to me. That is half the reason I am feeling like maybe I overreacted.

Did you both meet with the professional?

yes, both together and separately.

I think I would say who cares if he has a "problem" or not, or whether he is an "addict" or not. YOU have a problem because you are with someone who is being sketchy and not a good partner to you.

I am learning that "excusing" someone or "diagnosing" someone doesn't help except to realize that he has problems and it is NOT ABOUT YOUR VALUE but about him and his problems. Whatever his problems may be, it sounds like he is undervaluing, and disrespecting you.

Get the co-dependent no more for sure. I am reading it and it has opened my eyes soooo much. Guess what, I'm not crazy. You know he has a drinking problem or you would not have done what you did. (you wouldn't be here) He lied and is manipulating the situation and you.
D

My RAH could go a week or two without drinking. He once went a whole month (or so I thought). He would drink "levelers" which means you drink just enough to keep your blood alcohol level, but not enough to let anyone know that your drinking. They go to any means to hide their drinking. At first I was confused too, he could go a while without drinking, but my husband was a binge drinker who went on drinking benders (meaning he could go awhile without drinking, not even get a craving, but when he did drink - watch out - he could go weeks drinking and drinking more and more until his body couldn't take it anymore then he'd have to stop for a week or two). And during those benders, he'd drink and drive and use very poor judgment, even drinking at work as it progressed. You don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. As far as the professional goes - did they flat out tell YOU that they didn't think he had an alcohol problem? Or is your husband telling you the professional said this?

Why would anyone lie about having a drink problem in the first place? It doesn't make any sense to me.

If he doesn't have a drink problem, what's his explanation for staying out all night without letting you know and then leaving for a week? Oh, and driving drunk and slamming your arm in the car door?

Does it matter if he has been offically diagnosed with a drink problem? Is it not the behaviour that is the issue?

did they flat out tell YOU that they didn't think he had an alcohol problem? Or is your husband telling you the professional said this?

Yes. The professional told me that there was no cause for concern in his case.