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<Heavy Sigh>

Old 07-02-2007, 12:18 PM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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<Heavy Sigh>

Good morning to anyone who is reading this post. I hope you all had a great weekend. Mine? Not so good. My husband spent more time at a local bar drinking and playing video poker than at home with me. Saturday I got to see the true alcoholic. His face was all flushed from drinking all day and here he was with this look in his eyes like he was looking forward to the next beer.

Then while I was in the TV room making my self busy he tells me he wants to go fined a neighbor at the local bar and will be back in a half hour. (BIG FAT LIE) Now I knew that and I didnít even care. I felt nothing. Do you think I will ever get to the point that I just donít love him any more and can let go? There is a part of me that says (I HOPE SO) and a part that hates that idea and just keeps praying he will stop. but I know that wonít ever happen. (Heavy sigh)

My husband and I have been together for 19 years and the drinking and gambling thing started a few years ago (my drinking too) but I stopped 14 moths ago. I knew I was killing my self and one day it hit me. (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING)? See I donít want to die. I want to laugh and be happy and be loved and a 1000 other things.

Last night I lay in bed and cried silently so as not to wake my husband (Like thatís going to happen) I cried because I miss my mom who dies about 16 months ago and because I fell guilty about putting my retarded brother in a group home when I know he just wants to live with me. I felt guilty because I know I couldnít handle it if he did and my husband would leave. And yes I was angry as hell that my husband would rather be drunk and doing something that only leaves him angry than caring how I feel and being there for me.

Sorry, I guess I am just babbling. At the moment, I donít know what I feel, if anything.
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Old 07-02-2007, 12:36 PM
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let it grow!
 
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i'm so sorry, lost. sounds like you are feeling a lot of weight from all these situations. have you been to any alanon meetings? they sure help me learn to detach and live in my present.

hugs, k
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Old 07-02-2007, 12:56 PM
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I think you should talk to your husband frankly and explain your feelings. He may dismiss you but you have to make him see this is hurting you.

Do you think I will ever get to the point that I just don’t love him any more and can let go? There is a part of me that says (I HOPE SO) and a part that hates that idea and just keeps praying he will stop. but I know that won’t ever happen. (Heavy sigh)

From this statement I think you still have feelings for him and you just feel burdened and in a way would like to be released from it. In your conversation include that you feel like you are falling out of love if that's how you feel. He must know the gravity of his drinking. Let him know that you'll support him in recovery. Remember that he probably thinks his behavior is reasonable and he must see you are serious. As an alcoholic I justified my drinking as normal when it certainly wasn't; alcoholics make good liars, especially to themselves.
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Old 07-02-2007, 01:01 PM
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(((((((((((((((((lost))))))))))))))))))

Been there and done that....I am sorry for your pain. It never ceased to amaze me whenever I saw my ex drunk .... I knew anything .... any emergency that cropped up with the kids or myself or any other family member that he was just NO use to me at all....if anything he just made a bad situation worse. So ... basically he was just a liability and not much more than that. I sit here and shake my head because it didnt have to be this way....talk about choices. Have you had enough yet hun?
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Old 07-02-2007, 01:01 PM
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so sorry lost .. thats a lot to have to go through .. go to alanon .. pray to your higher power for some guidance ..
dont have much more advice for you but sending you some prayers and a hug.
(((lost)))
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Old 07-03-2007, 02:20 PM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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We got into it last night and he told me that maybe we should just get a divorce because he feels I am nit picking him to death. He said just because I stopped drinking doesn't mean he has to. He said he knew I would be happier with another man, someone who doesn't drink.

It got real heated and he finely admited he was picking the beer over me. He admited to telling lies and breaking prommises. All the stuff he had come down on me for and he did it back and feels justifyed.

OK, with all that I have to admit to my part in this mess. See.... At one point I was feeling so alone I cheeted and that went to having friend who were men on line that I talked to and in the end it ended up being more about friendship and being able to talk to someone about what was happening at home than anything else. Anyway.... he found out and read some of the emails and was hurt. He said I couldn't love him and say things like that. He has one qwote that he comes back to and he has it wrong but he holds on to it. He said I refered to him as an old drunk. He is 10 years older than me and yes I am sure I called him a drunk but not an old drunk. See he also feels at 45 I could still attract 25 year old men (NOT) any way he feels like he is nothing and here I say this stuff. Bla Bla Bla.

It's like I'm not real.... I can't beleive he said we should just get a divorce and I said no. I defended us. I am a stinking mess. Is there any one else in this world who would put up with feeling like nothing and choose that over life?

I keep saying to my self and my family. If he calls it qwits then thats it. DONE. but here he is doing just that and what do I do. Cave.
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