<Heavy Sigh>
Good morning to anyone who is reading this post. I hope you all had a great weekend. Mine? Not so good. My husband spent more time at a local bar drinking and playing video poker than at home with me. Saturday I got to see the true alcoholic. His face was all flushed from drinking all day and here he was with this look in his eyes like he was looking forward to the next beer.
Then while I was in the TV room making my self busy he tells me he wants to go fined a neighbor at the local bar and will be back in a half hour. (BIG FAT LIE) Now I knew that and I didn’t even care. I felt nothing. Do you think I will ever get to the point that I just don’t love him any more and can let go? There is a part of me that says (I HOPE SO) and a part that hates that idea and just keeps praying he will stop. but I know that won’t ever happen. (Heavy sigh)
My husband and I have been together for 19 years and the drinking and gambling thing started a few years ago (my drinking too) but I stopped 14 moths ago. I knew I was killing my self and one day it hit me. (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING)? See I don’t want to die. I want to laugh and be happy and be loved and a 1000 other things.
Last night I lay in bed and cried silently so as not to wake my husband (Like that’s going to happen) I cried because I miss my mom who dies about 16 months ago and because I fell guilty about putting my ******** brother in a group home when I know he just wants to live with me. I felt guilty because I know I couldn’t handle it if he did and my husband would leave. And yes I was angry as hell that my husband would rather be drunk and doing something that only leaves him angry than caring how I feel and being there for me.
Sorry, I guess I am just babbling. At the moment, I don’t know what I feel, if anything.