The term "Enabler"
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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The term "Enabler"
Am I the only person that finds this term somewhat offensive?
The very name implies that the A's habits are a direct result of the person they are with, and in fact shifts responsibility of the A's actions to the supposed "Enabler"
I also find it difficult to understand why just because you were in a romantic relationship with an A, you automatically become branded with this label.
Further still, at least in my situation, I would think the A's friends that they would drink and do drugs with were the true "Enablers" rather than the person that had been involved romantically and encouraging the A to get some help...
Your thoughts?
The very name implies that the A's habits are a direct result of the person they are with, and in fact shifts responsibility of the A's actions to the supposed "Enabler"
I also find it difficult to understand why just because you were in a romantic relationship with an A, you automatically become branded with this label.
Further still, at least in my situation, I would think the A's friends that they would drink and do drugs with were the true "Enablers" rather than the person that had been involved romantically and encouraging the A to get some help...
Your thoughts?
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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First, hi and welcome to SR. I don't believe we have met. I was married to an addict for 25 years, recently seperated and in the process of divorcing. He had lots of DOCs over the years, most recently opiates.
I can see why you would feel that way about the word 'enabler'. It is not a pleasant thing to accept about oneself, but it is what it is. I was a master enabler...An enabler is one who gets in between the A and the consequences that their behavior is causing. Like cleaning up their messes, calling in sick for them, covering up their addiction with family, employers, friends, etc. In short, pretending that the relationship and the family is everything that it is not.
Addicts who have someone to take care of them, a soft place to sleep, food to eat, and a family that they can treat any old way and still be accepted will never be uncomfortable enough to change. There using buddies aren't really enablers because they could care less about anyone other than themselves, just like our A's.
Also, there is a fine line between encouraging an A to get help, and trying to control them and force them to do it.
Anyhow, just my 2 cents.
I can see why you would feel that way about the word 'enabler'. It is not a pleasant thing to accept about oneself, but it is what it is. I was a master enabler...An enabler is one who gets in between the A and the consequences that their behavior is causing. Like cleaning up their messes, calling in sick for them, covering up their addiction with family, employers, friends, etc. In short, pretending that the relationship and the family is everything that it is not.
Addicts who have someone to take care of them, a soft place to sleep, food to eat, and a family that they can treat any old way and still be accepted will never be uncomfortable enough to change. There using buddies aren't really enablers because they could care less about anyone other than themselves, just like our A's.
Also, there is a fine line between encouraging an A to get help, and trying to control them and force them to do it.
Anyhow, just my 2 cents.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
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I never thought of it as offensive.
I think when you fully understand the term in use and your part in all of it, you will feel differently.
You don’t have to be romantically evolved to be an enabler.
If you pick up after, bail out, and do things for the alcoholic when they should step up and do for themselves you enable.
It’s pretty simple if you look at it that way.
In other words once you let them be accountable for their actions you stop enabling.
I think when you fully understand the term in use and your part in all of it, you will feel differently.
You don’t have to be romantically evolved to be an enabler.
If you pick up after, bail out, and do things for the alcoholic when they should step up and do for themselves you enable.
It’s pretty simple if you look at it that way.
In other words once you let them be accountable for their actions you stop enabling.
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An enabler is one who gets in between the A and the consequences that their behavior is causing. Like cleaning up their messes, calling in sick for them, covering up their addiction with family, employers, friends, etc. In short, pretending that the relationship and the family is everything that it is not.
Well I can pretty much honestly say I didn't do any of those things. Quite the opposite in fact. When he would get his drunk on I would refuse to sleep with him, often times insisting that he leave the house, when he drank his entire paycheck I would not feed him and when it came to his family I tried to talk to them about an intervention of sorts. Thier response was, "hey are we still pouring beer over dads grave!"
So this family, has now labeled me the enabler and blamed me for everything that is wrong with thier son.
Well I can pretty much honestly say I didn't do any of those things. Quite the opposite in fact. When he would get his drunk on I would refuse to sleep with him, often times insisting that he leave the house, when he drank his entire paycheck I would not feed him and when it came to his family I tried to talk to them about an intervention of sorts. Thier response was, "hey are we still pouring beer over dads grave!"
So this family, has now labeled me the enabler and blamed me for everything that is wrong with thier son.
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Just as an A is the only one really that can call themselves that, I think a person enabling (supporting dysfunctional behavior) is the only one that can call themselves that, too. You know your own actions. You know what you are willing to support or not.
In my opinion, his family blaming you is a form of denial on their part.
In my opinion, his family blaming you is a form of denial on their part.
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I find the term extremely offensive and this came to mind in embraceds last post. Because we believe the best about another person and trust them, because we find someth8ing loveable among the unlovable, we are enablers and the term is spat out like some kind of laughable pathetic defect. There are as many failed nonalcoholic relationships as alcoholic relationships.
People cheat, they lie, they make promises they break.
We have a right to want. We have a right to believe the best about people. We can hang on until we can't hang on any more. We can love, lose and get up again without being bitter.
I am confused about the cliches that remind us that we don't cause it, we can't stop it or cure it, yet, If I love a nonalcoholic cheater, I'm a hero. If I love an alcoholic cheater, I'm an enabler. Which is it? Can I cause it or not? Can I cure it or not? or....is enabling a contribution to the problem or a contribution to the resolution? If What I thik, what I have to say, what I endure has nothing to do with it. There is no such thing as an enabler because I didn't cause it, I can't stop it and I can't cure it. I guess loving them anyway labels you an enabler.
People cheat, they lie, they make promises they break.
We have a right to want. We have a right to believe the best about people. We can hang on until we can't hang on any more. We can love, lose and get up again without being bitter.
I am confused about the cliches that remind us that we don't cause it, we can't stop it or cure it, yet, If I love a nonalcoholic cheater, I'm a hero. If I love an alcoholic cheater, I'm an enabler. Which is it? Can I cause it or not? Can I cure it or not? or....is enabling a contribution to the problem or a contribution to the resolution? If What I thik, what I have to say, what I endure has nothing to do with it. There is no such thing as an enabler because I didn't cause it, I can't stop it and I can't cure it. I guess loving them anyway labels you an enabler.
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I think enabling in some way is trying to control the situation, being hopeful that we will help them change.
Enabling is more about our actions. I've heard detach with love and not be an enabler.
Enabling is more about our actions. I've heard detach with love and not be an enabler.
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"I've heard detach with love and not be an enabler"
Yes, and I did that, I gave him 30 days to get into a treatment program or leave.
His response was to go to his familys for 3 months to "dry out". No treatment took place and in essence they enabled his state of "dry drunkeness" employing him and finding him odd jobs so he could pay the rent and his bills, but still fed him and put a roof over his head. He came back, no more changed, except slightly dryer, but he couldn't cope with the daily grind so he went straight back to drinking and I had him removed from our home by the police. He is still being employed and fed by his family.
But I am apparently the enabler. Go figure. Sad sad story.
Yes, and I did that, I gave him 30 days to get into a treatment program or leave.
His response was to go to his familys for 3 months to "dry out". No treatment took place and in essence they enabled his state of "dry drunkeness" employing him and finding him odd jobs so he could pay the rent and his bills, but still fed him and put a roof over his head. He came back, no more changed, except slightly dryer, but he couldn't cope with the daily grind so he went straight back to drinking and I had him removed from our home by the police. He is still being employed and fed by his family.
But I am apparently the enabler. Go figure. Sad sad story.
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allmyfault, you don't sound like much of an enabler to me. Sounds to me like it is his family who are the enablers. Try not to let it bother you; you know the truth.
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All my fault...I have to agree with what you are saying...I think any time that anyone puts a label on themsevles, it serves no purpose...why a label? I think alot of times when people label themselves or by others it is the label that we consume ourselves with. That somehow because we have a "label" I think it makes it harder to try and change ourselves...they make us feel "stuck" Why does it have to have a label? Why can't it be that we just don't like our behavior and we decide to change or not to change...free will...right??
That is one reason that I don't care for alanon...because I do think in someway it tries to make us think in only one way....that I am somehow by my actions responsible for the A's behavior...and that he is not because of his "disease"
I know that some of you go to alanon...and if it works for you that is wonderful...but it doesn't fly for me...I know it is said that their moto is "I didn't cause, I can't cure...but to me that conflicts with what the rest of the program says...Sorry if anyone gets upset by this post...it is ONLY MY thoughts...
That is one reason that I don't care for alanon...because I do think in someway it tries to make us think in only one way....that I am somehow by my actions responsible for the A's behavior...and that he is not because of his "disease"
I know that some of you go to alanon...and if it works for you that is wonderful...but it doesn't fly for me...I know it is said that their moto is "I didn't cause, I can't cure...but to me that conflicts with what the rest of the program says...Sorry if anyone gets upset by this post...it is ONLY MY thoughts...
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So what's the issue here ? What they think of you ? Sounds like you're keeping your side of the street clean, which is all you can do. I am often reminded that what ohers think of me is none of my business.
It sounds as if you have a good understanding of the disease.
Stillsearching, the hard core al-anons will correct me if I'm wrong. But, we know you can't cause, cure, or control the drinking. But you can contribute to it through enabling.
He came back, no more changed, except slightly dryer, but he couldn't cope with the daily grind so he went straight back to drinking
Stillsearching, the hard core al-anons will correct me if I'm wrong. But, we know you can't cause, cure, or control the drinking. But you can contribute to it through enabling.
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Originally Posted by stillsearching 
That is one reason that I don't care for alanon...because I do think in someway it tries to make us think in only one way....that I am somehow by my actions responsible for the A's behavior..
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I understand that we may not see it the same way....but this is how I see it...if you see it differently...I understand and respect that. I also think that sometimes it matters where we live and how the meetings are run...I only can speak for what it is like where I live..
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That's true, some call enabling love. I did it myself. I just don't see it that way now. I can say for me, accepting I had enabled freed me from looking at and judging someone else's behavior, addict or not. I will be forever grateful for that.
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I would never in a million years have accepted I was an enabler until I came out of the "fog" of living with an addict/alcoholic. I thought of my behavior as more protecting myself....take care of his bills and responsibilities so they didn't cause problems for the family ~ cover up/make excuses for his behavior to protect the kids ~ make up stories about where he was and what he was doing so no one would think less of me for being in the relationship ~ fight his battles so he wouldn't take them out on me. On and On and on. I read an analogy on another thread, about a frog in a pot of boiling water. I'm sure you all have read it. My enabling behavior was just like that frog...you adapt the hotter it gets til you don't realize you're nearly boiling.
Having said that, and acknowledging that my way of coping certainly enabled him to continue his behavior easily, I in no way blame myself or my enabling for HIS behavior.
It took until I got this far to accept that, just as I didn't cause the problem, can't cure or control it, I can, to paraphrase what Denny said, control my own behavior. Even when AH left, I was still making things as easy as possible for him, because I had done it for so long. Once I accepted that what I was doing was not at all healthy for AH or me, I started feeling much better about myself and began to detach more easily.
I think, though, that sometimes people just assign labels to people. All My Fault, you don't seem to fit the enabler profile, as a lot of folks here may not. But it's probably easier for his family just to throw the label at you rather than accept that he's the one with the problem.
In a little PS to my comments, when I stopped placidly accepting AH's behavior, he left the family to live with the woman who was the widow of his drug dealer and who set him up to meet the drug supplier....the woman who tried to tell my 12 YO daughter I was mean to her poor father....talk about finding a new enabler!
Having said that, and acknowledging that my way of coping certainly enabled him to continue his behavior easily, I in no way blame myself or my enabling for HIS behavior.
It took until I got this far to accept that, just as I didn't cause the problem, can't cure or control it, I can, to paraphrase what Denny said, control my own behavior. Even when AH left, I was still making things as easy as possible for him, because I had done it for so long. Once I accepted that what I was doing was not at all healthy for AH or me, I started feeling much better about myself and began to detach more easily.
I think, though, that sometimes people just assign labels to people. All My Fault, you don't seem to fit the enabler profile, as a lot of folks here may not. But it's probably easier for his family just to throw the label at you rather than accept that he's the one with the problem.
In a little PS to my comments, when I stopped placidly accepting AH's behavior, he left the family to live with the woman who was the widow of his drug dealer and who set him up to meet the drug supplier....the woman who tried to tell my 12 YO daughter I was mean to her poor father....talk about finding a new enabler!
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Everyone else has covered the enabling thing really well, so I won't go into that. What I am interested in is why you are so upset by what other people call you? If you don't believe it, is there a reason why you can't shrug it off as if they'd said you are a Martian, or something?
I too struggled with the dichotomy of the 3 C's and the concept of enabling. I guess I see it as saying that I didn't cause him to set off down that path in the first place, however there are times when I might have made it easier for him to continue, therefore I was an enabler. For me, it doesn't just apply to drinking, but to any kind of dysfunctional behaviour. If I give money to a gambler for him to go to a casino, then I haven't caused his deep-seated compulsion to gamble, but I have enabled him to sate his desire. I was without a doubt an enabler - for me, my continued participation in the relationship with R was sign enough, although perhaps in a different relationship it would not be the case.
I too struggled with the dichotomy of the 3 C's and the concept of enabling. I guess I see it as saying that I didn't cause him to set off down that path in the first place, however there are times when I might have made it easier for him to continue, therefore I was an enabler. For me, it doesn't just apply to drinking, but to any kind of dysfunctional behaviour. If I give money to a gambler for him to go to a casino, then I haven't caused his deep-seated compulsion to gamble, but I have enabled him to sate his desire. I was without a doubt an enabler - for me, my continued participation in the relationship with R was sign enough, although perhaps in a different relationship it would not be the case.
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Suggesting loved ones "STOP HELPING" the addict has negative connotations. Perhaps the term "enabling" was coined to help the loved ones not feel guilty for stopping support that allows the addict to continue to use.
If you think about it, paying the bills, covering up, being the caretaker will only prolong and feed the fire of addiction, almost like "assisted suicide" perhaps.
Indeed it is heartbreaking for loved ones to stop enabling but it is more heartbreaking to assist someone that is in essence killing themself.
If you think about it, paying the bills, covering up, being the caretaker will only prolong and feed the fire of addiction, almost like "assisted suicide" perhaps.
Indeed it is heartbreaking for loved ones to stop enabling but it is more heartbreaking to assist someone that is in essence killing themself.
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my husband was a big enabler for our daughter. she even made reference once in a group counseling session at her rehab that he was her "CHIEF ENABLER". ouch, it stung him. but was an eye opener he needed and appreciates now that he is in his recovery. he has gotten much better with the help of alanon and counseling. but everyone once in awhile, i have to pull him back by saying "watch it, chief!"
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