The term "Enabler"
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
I have to admit I was the poster child for "enabler" until about 2 weeks ago. After going to my first meetings I finally understood what an enabler was and the effect it can have. So I took a vow to myself to never do it again.
My AW went on one of her famous binges last week and for the first time since I can remember I didnt put her to bed, help her get to the bathroom and didnt cover up with other about her drinking. You should have seen the look on her face when she woke up on our porch the other night after a long night. I told her flat out "sorry but the babysitter just left and isnt coming back" You could see the look of despair in her eyes because she knew I was serious this time.
At first I felt a bit heartless about it but then as I am driving to work I felt this rush of relief.
My AW went on one of her famous binges last week and for the first time since I can remember I didnt put her to bed, help her get to the bathroom and didnt cover up with other about her drinking. You should have seen the look on her face when she woke up on our porch the other night after a long night. I told her flat out "sorry but the babysitter just left and isnt coming back" You could see the look of despair in her eyes because she knew I was serious this time.
At first I felt a bit heartless about it but then as I am driving to work I felt this rush of relief.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 32
Good on you! The big clue that I wasn't here to enable my ex was making him sleep in the shed, pouring out his booze and then calling the cops on him when he went psycho and tried to hang himself.
He told his parents he was just messing with me, which they bought hook line and sinker, now they are enabling him. The fun never ends I say!
He told his parents he was just messing with me, which they bought hook line and sinker, now they are enabling him. The fun never ends I say!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I have also heard the term "helper" used instead of "enabler". Of course, I like that better. I did not know I was enabling, I thought I was helping....unfortunately what I was helping was the addiction, not the man.
p.s. Hi, AMF! Nice to meet you and hope you'll stick around!
p.s. Hi, AMF! Nice to meet you and hope you'll stick around!
enabler, shnabler,,,All I did was simply love the man!!!
AMF, one of the things I have learned in my considerable experience with life (ya, ok, I'm a tad ummmmmm,,mature,,,sometimes) is labels are meant for food. I woulldn't want to open sardines when I was really looking forward to beefaroni.
People however are gloriously individual. If you are true to your core, it dosn't matter what others "label" you. Thats on them. Somepeople can't cope if they can't define you in THEIR terms.
However, its up to you if you want to "label" yourself.
For example, I'm a native hippie. Speaks for itself. If it doesn;t, not up to me to define it for you. In fact, I use the word enabler ot describe me too. But in my world it means, helping the people I love acheive their hopes and dreams. The KEY is balance and making sure its not at the expense of myself. Pretty simple if you ask me.
What others think of me makes no never mind. My "spirits" let me know I am loved and value, and frankly their all that matters.
I dare someone to catch this runner to lay a brand on me,,,
Peace
AMF, one of the things I have learned in my considerable experience with life (ya, ok, I'm a tad ummmmmm,,mature,,,sometimes) is labels are meant for food. I woulldn't want to open sardines when I was really looking forward to beefaroni.
People however are gloriously individual. If you are true to your core, it dosn't matter what others "label" you. Thats on them. Somepeople can't cope if they can't define you in THEIR terms.
However, its up to you if you want to "label" yourself.
For example, I'm a native hippie. Speaks for itself. If it doesn;t, not up to me to define it for you. In fact, I use the word enabler ot describe me too. But in my world it means, helping the people I love acheive their hopes and dreams. The KEY is balance and making sure its not at the expense of myself. Pretty simple if you ask me.
What others think of me makes no never mind. My "spirits" let me know I am loved and value, and frankly their all that matters.
I dare someone to catch this runner to lay a brand on me,,,
Peace
I have always taken "enabling" to mean not the allegedly loving things I did in our relationship, but the things I did that were insane under these circumstances. For example, living with someone who drinks to drunkness every day as if it were normal is problematic. Why would someone live under those circumstances? What the hell is wrong with that person? Would you live happily with someone who peed their pants anytime they had to go, even in public? No, cause that's insane. Why is the insane drinking behavior tolerated? There is something wrong with the tolerator as well as the tolerated. Understanding there is more than one sick party in the dance is vital to one's own recovery.
And what some people call "labels" is simply language used to describe a common experience.
And what some people call "labels" is simply language used to describe a common experience.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Anyone who loves and helps their spouse alcoholic or not is in theory an enabler....I believe we took vows that said we would....we kept em - they didnt. Thats the bottom line here. Call it what they may...if we love them we enable them whether we try to or not. And its when we stop...thats when one of 2 things happen...they either leave or they get help.
"Wantsout"..you've said it all. I refer to "myself" as co-dependent..and that is because that is what I AM. Some hate to be called an enabler. Others prefer "rescuer". I didn't like being told that "I was sicker than they were". I was told that when my AH entered Rehab and I started attending Alanon. He stayed "Dry for 10 years" before choosing to drink again. It broke my heart..I was devastated. The shoulda couldas don't matter today. Today, I am working on ME, not him. Mallow cup..you have choices..don't get snagged by this term or that term or what others think. They are hooks. Do what you need to do to be good to yourself. It's OK to care for someone..whether they are dependant on a substance or not. If this relationship is not good for you..you have a choice. You can care for someone without letting them ruin your life. You can also choose to walk away for good. It's hard to let go, but sometimes that is just what we have to do. Whatever you decide, don't feel guilty or allow others to try to make you feel guilty or responsible.
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