redbear

My husband sucessfully stayed away from A for 6 weeks, and then he slipped. Most of these slips are when he is out of town, he has been home for a week, has seen his sponser through AA. He just left now for another business trip and I am Nervous, Worried...I have alot of mixxed emotions. When he goes on trips, I can't handle it, we argue alot, I don't tust him, I am trying my best because he did do 6 weeks and he and his sponser has had some very in depth convo and I know he wants to do this...because if he didn't, he would tell me to go f@@k myself.
I need alittle advise, even some alittle peice of advice I can keep telling myself...How do I support my husband trying to stay clean and still be able to deal with my emotions and be able to communication both well with no fights started. I am at a lost...I don't want to do some thing wrong but don't want to loose sight of myself. Please help.
Redbear

splendra

have you tried the serenity prayer?

God-
grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference...

It has helped me to remain calm many times...

redbear

I say the serenity prayer everyday thank you, and it helps.

HockeyMom

Do you have a copy of the Big Book handy? Maybe it's available online....

I read and re-read the chapter to the wives. For me, I could tell when he was really working his program and when he wasn't. (But either way I stayed, so really, what did it matter?)

At a certain point several years into coping with his progressing addiction, I realized that since I was going to stay I needed to try NOT to make things worse. I needed to make the best of the situation for myself and my children. I tried (very imperfectly) to follow some key ideas:

1. I was all I had, and I was all the kids had.....so I better do a really good job.

2. no yelling, begging, pleading, no temper tantrums

3. no more hiding. I told my family and his family the truth about what was happening with him. I told a couple of friends. Some I wish I hadn't told, but whatever.
**I warned my AH calmly first before I did this**

4. I NEVER EVER told him what he should or shouldn't do about his addiction, but I was very informed about local programs and when he asked I provided the info.

In a nutshell, since I was going to PUT UP, I needed to SHUT UP

haha, and then one day...out of the blue...I decided I was done PUTTING UP

redbear

thank you for your advice, I will truly think about that.

dollydo

What is it about business trips that set you off? I am trying to get a little more understanding here.

CarolD

You might want to attend Al anon.
It helped me immensley

Blessings to both of you

Grasshopper

Al-anon!!!!!!!!!!!!! has been a life-saver for me.I could not have done this alone,with the kind of thinking that i had before recovery programs.I drove myself up the wall,with my own thoughts,abot my loved one.i got help and changed,one day at a time.

hopeangel

the only advice i can give is focus focus focus on yourself and your own well being. while he is gone do things for you that you enjoy that make you feel good. there is a lot of really good self help books such as "codependent no more". focus on your own recovery.

redbear

"what is it aout business trips??"
I get scared about him going on business trips because that when the lying starts, and the sneaking off to go out drinking. If I have asked him straight out if he is drinking, he has made me feel like i'm a sico b@tch and then when he is finished drinking I get the calls at 2-3am telling me he has plans for me, there is no way i'm ever getting his money, talking all sorts of very hurtful nonsense. That is why i am afraid, I don't like hearing it, it makes me feel worse then I do now...and it is getting to the point where I am not going to deal with it anymore...i will leave and it is hard because I love him so much, he is my longtime best friend.

dollydo

Ok, I get it.

The only thing I can say is....if he is going to drink, he will, you cannot control it, and worrying about it only hurts you.

I would suggest you turn off the phone after10 or 11, then you won't subject yourself to his abuse. I would tell him straight out that is what you are going to do. If he needs to talk to you he can call during the day, when he is sober...at least I hope he is.

HockeyMom

BINGO - great idea dolly

try to stay out of the chaos, don't let him suck you in

redbear

well just wanted to let you all know...when I started feeling alittle better about my self...he ran off to go drinking...so much for the 6 weeks of being sober...I did not handle it well, I wrote him an e-mail becuase i knew he would get it through his blackberry. I wrote, "I have never met such a pathetic f@@k like you, it is easier to pick up a beer then pick up the phone and call your sponser...why should I give you any more money, because you are drinking your daughters daycare money through your liver. I did not handle that well..

dollydo

Ok, so now what are you going to do? What are your bounderies?

As for how you handled it, anger does serve a purpose for a short period of time, then it will eat you from the inside out and does not change the issue one little bit.

Once you move past this phase you need to have plan, a direction for your life, have you given this any thought?

redbear

i did send him another email, stating I should have handled that better for myself at least... I did talk to him today and had to tell him the truth....seeing and experiencing the sober husband and father...i can't go back....I grew up with an alcoholic mother and she still drinks today....I am messed up in the head because of my experiences through life....I told my husband that if we both can not make sure our daughter does not have to grew up with an A parent....then I will make sure it stops.....and I have to be serious about this....she doesn't need to see, hear, experience it, and she doesn't need to see me suffer because in the end my baby is suffering the most. I wish he could see that...but at least one of us are not blind anymore.

dollydo

That's it, set those bounderies in concrete, your daughter must be your first priorty, you must be her voice, her rock.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

redbear

sometimes i feel so hopless but with all of your advice..I will make an effort to care for myself and daughter and our well-beings.
Thank you