Nuudawn

There is something I have realized....
As long as we still feel an emotion related to our ex..whether that be pain, anger, sadness etc .. we are still tied to them..still attached and essentially, our being is still connected (and maybe validated somehow) to another. We are here; our existence is witnessed and of some sort of influence; postive or negative.

When all that subsides...when we have liberated ourselves from the attachment, we find ourselves all alone. That's not really a bad thing ...just sort of a strange place of indifference. When not in relation to another, it sort of difficult to feel "here".

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I am free and unanchored...therefore, do I truly exist? Is this why we hold on so ferociously?

an'ka

Yes, but you are not attached to that one person--you are a daughter and may be a mother, a friend, a professional, etc. You are connected to many, many others, kind of like an invisible spiderweb. When you cut one string, you still have hundreds of others. You are here, you exist, you are loved and valued. You can't define your being by that one connection to your significant other.

LGLG07

wow . two small posts but both so powerful . i agree , we arent just one thing , we are many . i am a daughter , a sister , a mother , an aunt and a friend amongst many more . I am not just the wife of an A . I feel like I am definitely 'here' . There is not one thing in my life that defines me, there are many .
So good to hear you Nuu !
M

Astro

I dunno Nuudawn, for me it's hard to feel truly alone when I'm surrounded by the friends I've made in recovery. There are times when I feel lost and without purpose, but that is a feeling born from my own insecurities. I can feel that even when I'm with my children. It's also a feeling of wanting to be loved and needed.

It's during those times that I can begin a downward spiral towards depression, but what gets me back to being centered is that acceptance of knowing that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in recovery.

MsGolightly

i know what you mean, nuu, and often times the best way i can describe how i feel is almost "numb"... i'm not in a relationship, my ex has moved onto someone else, and it's like i lost a big part of myself and there are times i really feel almost nothing. is that what you mean?

Nuudawn

Gosh, I'm not certain exactly what I mean I guess. I have no children..but yes I am a daughter, a sister, a professional and a friend. I feel supported in this universe..so I don't mean "alone" in a miserable or self pitying way. It's just rather a disconcerting feeling. When in relationship..we have a life witness... someone to share with in the everyday and someone who is with us when we rise each day and bed down each night. I think that is a very strong need for many of us... so strong that we are willing to endure a very poor excuse for a relationship.
Ya..I feel sort of numb "InThis..".. that's probably quite apt; a certain nothingness, yes.

My mind is just sort of wandering around this need for "connection"..which is apparently incredibly strong. We seem to want to attach ..and once attached, detachment can be a very, very painful and harrowing process.

LGLG07

ok Nuu , Im with you now . Its not so much 'alone' that I have felt but more 'lonely' .. no last call of the day anymore . knowing that we have a great family and friends is helpful but not very comforting in this sense . i know its been said before but these are the times that we gain the most strength . Once you can get through without feeling so lonely but rather very content , you will open yourself up to new relationships (friendships or otherwise) and have a lot more to offer to the other person .

Maybe its during this time that we get to know and trust ourselves so much that our gi-normus walls we have built over the years start to fall down .

Nuudawn

I think you're right LG... this is probably all about the healing and the getting to know ourselves and the shattering of defenses. I feel a bit adrift I guess. I know that I'm inching (painfully sometimes) in the right direction. I think I have held onto attachments much too long previously in order to avoid this very place. As I say, I feel "unanchored"...which is neither positive or negative but can be construed either way...lol.

elizabeth1979

Yes, I know exactly what you mean nu.
It was my feeling of complete indifference that made me most uncomfortable.
I was used to anger and sadness. Even misguided pity and love. But, when I felt indifference, thats when I knew something was different.
That feeling was actually disturbing to me. I didnt know what to do with it at first (as if I had to do something).

It turns out, its the feeling I was looking for.

Nuudawn

Wow..Elizabeth.. thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sooooo hear that. Thanks for helping me see the root of it.