rock-hardplace

After my AH begged and pleaded and cried Thursday night for me to stay and how he was going to do everything it took to quit and blah blah blah...

He almost made it through the weekend. Almost. When we went out today, we were tidying up the truck and I happened to pick up a crumpled receipt on the floor - from the liquor store for his drink of choice, dated Friday. As he hadn't been drunk Friday or Saturday night, I automatically assumed that the bottle was still somewhere. Of course, he 'swore to God' that he didn't drink it (which I already knew) and that he had thrown it out the window right after he bought it (uh huh, sure). Made up this elaborate story about how he had called his sponsor and how he felt like going back to get it after he threw it out the window and yadda yadda yadda. Of course I didn't believe him, though a tiny piece of me hoped it was true (damn that piece).

Tonight, he was anxious and fidgety and all of a sudden got a craving for Cheezies. I tried to talk him out of it - why don't we just eat something here, I don't think you should go out, etc. but eventually, just told him to go to shut him up - he was going to find a way to go regardless. I knew what was going to happen. As soon as I came out of our daughter's room a half hour later, I knew. He was sitting in his chair completely wasted. I sent him off to bed. At least he's an obedient drunk.

So. As I was ready to leave last weekend (and did for the night), I'm REALLY ready to leave now. I'm calling in sick to work tomorrow, my Mom's coming by in the morning and we're packing up some essentials and living with them for a while until I figure out what to do. Part of me feels guilty - he's obviously sick, he was scared sh*tless of what would happen if he slipped again (guess he'll see now), he rarely drinks on a work night (oh, he's gonna hurt tomorrow). I set his alarm just so he won't miss work and I can move our stuff out in peace.

The other part of me sees this as the only way. Us staying here isn't helping him any and it's CERTAINLY not helping us any. We had a fantastic day today - our daughter 'helped' him outside for hours while I cleaned inside; we ran some errands, we had a nice dinner - he usually does ruin the good days. She's going to miss him but I'm hoping that at 3, she's going to be pretty easygoing about the whole thing. The attachment to her house/room hasn't begun yet (more for me than her, I think, i hope). Crossing my fingers because she is my prime concern and it breaks my heart taking her away from her Daddy. This really sucks.

I'm nervous but excited at the same time. He swore up and down that if it happened one more time, if he had one more slip, he'd check himself in somewhere. Any bets as to whether that'll happen or not? I'm thinking not. He sees an alcohol specialist on Tuesday and his regular therapist on Thursday. I supposed he'll see them first before signing up for anything, if he ever does.

I won't be moving back here unless he moves out (or goes in for IOP). If he wants to save this marriage at all, he'll do either. If he doesn't, I guess we'll be looking elsewhere to live - I can't live with my parents forever - they're not all that close to our friends or work or anything. And it pisses me off to be away from my home, the home I love, the home my daughter loves (ack, whenever I think of her is when the tears start to come - damn!). It's not that I'm mad at him or anything, I'm just ticked off at the situation and that MY life has to be in upheaval while his continues on as usual (but I guess it's not such a great life either if he's sick in the head). Still, this makes me mad. I don't WANT to live with my parents (good hearted as they are, they're still parents). ARGH!

Well, wish me luck. I'm going to need it. Things are going to change. Change can be good. It's got to be better than this.

Live

Best wishes to you!
I, personally am so glad I got out of the insanity.
It won't be easy but it will get better.

die tryin

It sux,but you are doing the right thing.My wife left me three times and after each time,I talked her into coming back.It took me 2 rehabs and a detox center before I reached my real bottom.I am lucky to have found A.A. before I lost them for good.It sounds like you have been more than reasonable and have given him many opportunities.The only way he is going to change is for him and if he sees there is no alternative if he wants to be with his family..Good luck and stay strong..

sad#3

I would hope that i'd have the courage to leave too. Noone should have to put up with that crap. I know mine may never stop and it's up to me when I recognize that.

loveRoy

Rock, this is my opinion, go to your parents' home and give yourself a few weeks to think and try to clear your head. If Alanon is an option, try a few meetings. Keep reading and keep posting. We care.

8675309

Rock, I respect your strength. Stick to your guns and take care of you and your daughter. My AH has been out of the house for a little over a month now. It is hard and he wants to spend time with me every weekend even though I have made it quite clear that my issue with the marriage is the drinking. He doesn't want to acknowledge that. I too refuse to reconcille unless he seeks soberity. So far, he has refused but that is his choice. I also have a young one who is seven. I have to say that I was very surprised that he is handling the seperation much better than I expected. In fact I think he is handling it better than I am. Hang in there, you are not alone.

denny57

Good luck, rock. Take good care of you and your daughter. Try not to project into the future. ((()))

MsGolightly

rock, how are things going this morning?

i'm glad you're sticking to your guns and making some changes. he obviously isn't, and something has to.

and you're right, what's coming down the road has got to be better than what you have now. might be rough for awhile, but things will get better.

hopeangel

hi rock, you are making a better life for you and your daughter! you deserve this. she deserves this. (((rock)))

rock-hardplace

Thanks everyone. It's really a hard decision to make and I find I'm a little anxious about it now that's it's in progress. He is sorta working on his problem - goes to one or two AA meetings a week (but gets nothing from them), is back to seeing his therapist, goes to see that specialist tomorrow. So it isn't like he's ignoring the problem, it's just... I don't know. It's so hard not to be sucked into the insanity (the rollercoaster of ups and downs), as of course he's really good at making me feel guilty at leaving him during his 'troubled time' when he's so obviously (or not so much) trying to fix things and make them better. This specialist is a new step, but how do I know it's going to be different than any other 'step' he's taken?

Argh! This is the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with as it's all over the place. He only drinks one day of the weekend, he's not abusive, he just passes out, he's battling depression (on meds that have helped). BUT, on the same hand, he drinks once a week, he's not committed full-time to getting help, he's slowly killing himself (his liver is already irritated; it's only a matter of time). He's a good guy when he's not drinking. I just don't want to deal with the issue anymore and that makes me feel selfish and guilty, because I'm not as worried about him as I am about myself.

I'm also feeling guilty for leaving while he's at work but it's the easiest way - again, for me. I feel bad that it's all about me but in reality, it's been all about him up until now, hasn't it? He's not really hurting me, he's hurting himself, but I just don't want to watch it (even while he works on recovery) and I don't want my daughter exposed to it. Why does that sound so horrible all of a sudden? Help me!

Thanks for listening to me try to work this out. It's SO crazy it's hard to rationalize everything. I AM leaving, I WILL stay away, but I'm going to have to visit here daily for a dose of sanity.

CE Girl

((((((rock-hardplace))))))

what finally DID IT for me, was realizing that FINALLY it was ABOUT me instead of him. We get so conditioned in our codie little minds that its all about THEM we forget and never realize how much of "me" was lost. Good for you for taking care fo YOU and your daughter.

And yes, in the beginging, conflict was common for me. One minute knowing I was doing the right thing, while the other worrying that he'll magically get well and I would have made the wrong decision. I reconciled that with, nothing changes if nothing changes,,,So, something changed

Post as often as long as confused, as you want!!!!

Peace

PS, I recently moved the rest of my stuff out and did it when he was at work too. I don't regret it. If he was there, it would have only been more drama. I don't need it in my life.

denny57

(((rock))) you say it's all about you, but the post is all about him. I had to accept many things - one of the toughest ones was that I was entitled to do what was right for MY life, that I matter. I believed that a long time ago and I again believe it today. Living in addiction skews the world - I became background noise.

Take care.

cautious

Rock, my guy is very much like yours, and I took almost the same route. I took DD to my parents' for a month, which led to some half-a**ed attempts at AA and counseling by AH. I don't think we were back home a week before he was drunk again. Now, at my insistence, he moved out two weeks ago, and I consider it permanent unless a true miracle occurs.

I agree with the other posters -- it can't be about him. It can only be about you and your child. How do YOU want to live? What do you want HER life to be about?

So I wish you all the best. And as someone fairly fresh into a separation, I can tell you that I think you'll be surprised at how calm life can be without that rollercoaster.