dobiediva

Well since my other thread was locked I will answer the last question posted here
Jazzman had asked"
He doesn't around me either. When I am with him he doesn't drink. Period. When his son is with him he does not drink. He can control himself when he has to because we are right there with him. But since we don't live together and he only sees his son every other weekend and occassionally during the week he can manage to "fake it" for a little while. He is a binge drinker. Going a couple days without drinking is no big deal to him, but when he gets weak he makes up an excuse as to why he isn't coming over (working late, doing laundry, etc) and then goes out with his friends and goes way overboard. I had warned him before (after he threw his temper tantrum back in feb) that if he ever showed up drunk again I would call the police. His ex wife had told him if he ever drinks around their son she will take away his visitation. So he CAN control himself when he is being watched. Just can't (or won't) do it on his own when noone is watching.


But that doesn't really matter anymore as I made up my mind about what happens next. I have had no contact with A since yesterday when I told him that I am done. He was complaining once again about how much this is costing him and trying to lay the guilt all on me again. I have had enough. I was hoping for something that will probably never happen because his attitude is still that it is all my fault. If he can't see his role in all of this I can't force him to. But I CAN walk away. Now is as good a time as any. At least after June 15 he can't just show up on my doorstep and convince me that everything is ok. I'm sure he'll be calling tomorrow night because he needs a ride to court on Monday. I will be sure to tell him that its not my job anymore. Time to take care of me and try to undo all the damage that has been done over the last 2 years. Does it suck right now? YEP. Big time.

CE Girl

((((((DD))))))

I so remember feeling this and getting to the same point, "if he can not accept responsibility and continues to blame me, theres nothing more I can do"

Resignation

And yes, its not a happy place to be. Unfortunatly, oftentimes our A's leave us no alternative.

It felt to me, like it was HIS way or the highway. I preferred to make that journey as I could not live nor accept life on his terms.

Baby, steps, I had heard it here and elsewhere many times before, the resignation to accept the things I could not change was my first one.

I held on to furniture for a long time before I took my next one. The enormity of the first one had to settle in.

Hold to the furniture sweetie, and give yourself whatever time you need.

Peace

dobiediva

I have 2 bags full of stuff (his and his sons) sitting here at my feet. Debating what to do with it. I don't want to take it over there but I don't want it to sit here. I know he was supposed to go see a movie today (with me) so I'm assuming he'll still go with his brother and his son. Maybe I can drop it off while he's gone. Maybe I'll just drop it off at his son's instead. That way I don't have to see ANYBODY. this really really sucks.

minnie

Good for you, Dobie. I think this may be a big milestone in your life.

Perhaps you could look at your OP and put a "yet" after all the statements you make about his drinking. Problem drinkers have a habit of letting things creep, so that what was unacceptable previously, becomes acceptable. I can't think of any people I have known, who have had an issue with drink or drugs and overcome their problems, who have not had some kind of lightbulb moment which made them reassess their attitude. (apols for the clumsy sentence!) You will know if he ever has that kind of attitude adjustment.

I know it's hard just now. You deal with his stuff in the best way you can. Gone is better, even if you have to have some kind of contact.

dobiediva

I just dropped the stuff off at his house. Nobody was home but the door was open so I set it just inside the door and left. I guess that's it then.

minnie

This is a good thing, Diva, even if it doesn't feel that way. Whatever happens, at least the practical stuff is out of the way.

How are ya feeling?

dobiediva

Sad. Angry. Alone. Hoping I can stick to it this time and get this over with once and for all. Wishing he would call to try to talk me out of it but hoping he doesn't. Typical confusion about the whole situation. But I've been thinking back on all the lies and manipulations and that is helping me see I'm doing the right thing. No matter how much it hurts he is not worthy of my love right now. He's proven that to me over and over again.

minnie

Sorry to hear that, Dobie.

I kinda beg to differ on something you said. He is worthy of your love, I think, he is just not worthy of your life, time, soul. He is a human being, and addiction seems to be a disorder stemming from a feeling of unworthiness in many cases.

My ex is a headcase. He has ( I now know) a trail of women behind him, with the exact same broken promises. The Merry Band of R's Exs are no more than identikit enablers, suppliers of attention, drama, sex and money. However, that's not to say that I cannot feel compassion for him, even if it is for the baby he once was. Would I ever let him back into any sphere of my life? Hell, no.

The more I value myself, the less I am willing to tolerate attacks on me. When I realised he was just doing what he was doing, regardless of me, the less angry I felt. It was never about me, as far as he was concerned. I just provided a reason to drink and someone to leach from for a few years. I don't take that personally. He did it before, and he will do so again.

Anyway, enough about me. I hope you can find some peace in your decision before bedtime.

embraced2000

awww dobie, hon.....it hurts like hell, i know. one thing that helped me through the trial of trying to keep away from my addiction to my xh was to keep playing the tape all the way through.

pretty soon it became clear that this pattern of being ok for awhile, then crashing would be a pattern with him and me for the rest of our lives.

just keep playing the tape all the way through. it will hurt, but it helped me handle the unmanagable for awhile......that being my broken heart.

i could fix my broken heart with a quick fix from him.......only to have it crushed again in just a short while. eventually i wanted consistent serenity instead of consistent chaos.

the admission price to his playground became way too high.

much love to you
jeri

dobiediva

From past experience I know he will replace me as quickly as possible. That hurts too. To know that I'm not important enough to him for him to mourn what we had (even if it was all in my head I guess) really hurts. I know it will take me a long time to get over him. He'll have me replaced by next week. Afterall who will visit him in jail if he doesn't replace me?

GlassPrisoner

(((((Dobie)))))

Our bed was still warm when my ex moved the next door neighbor in. I know how that feels.

okay4now

My A.'s belongings are in the trunk of my car today - for the 3rd time.

A friend told me something that I'm repeating to myself everyday. She said that

It is a privilege to be my boyfriend. It is a privilege to be my daughter's father.
It is a privilege and honor.

dobiediva

Too bad they can't see it that way. He only sees that I ruined his life. he can't see all the pain HE caused ME. Can't see it or won't see it. Not sure it matters. I sure FEEL it!!

okay4now

Knowing how my A. is - It hurts them to see it. At least with my A.

I told him about the privilege of being with me. He said he knows it.

I just let myself forget it!!

okay4now

And yes we do feel it. In the stomach, bones, heart, everywhere.

twinsis

Dobie,
You got through a major hurdle today. I am glad you didn't see him when you brought back his stuff. Going there took courage and strength. Hold on to that strength during this hellish time. You will get through it. One day you'll wake up and feel the hurt a little bit less.