Stupid alkie with a stupid question?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Great thread. Thanks Taz
I can relate to so much of what is being said here. Cagefree's statement about being raised to not trust her own feelings particulary hits home.
I never thought I could change my AH. I didn't even think he needed fixing (at least in the beginning years). I, like so many here, really thought that his drinking was just in fun and would dissapate as we grew up and took on more responsibility.
I knew nothing about alcoholism. I was ignorant to the red flags...and did not trust my feelings enough to pay attention to them and really try to figure out what was bothering me on a certain level. I thought those nagging feelings were unreasonable fears. I had been told my whole life that I overreacted...I didn't want to overreact and ruin the "best" thing that I had ever had. I just wanted a normal happy life! My AH was a "good", handsome, hardworking man...and he "adored" me...why concentrate on the negative? ha!
My AH was sweet and attentive in the beginning. I felt happy and normal in a way I had never before. Those nagging feelings and worries just seemed to me like my dirty core always trying to rain on a parade. I told myself repeatedly that no one's perfect, and that if I dumped my A then I'd be alone my whole life searching for someone without faults who doesn't exist.
I have a history of dating men, and feeling comfortable with men who are messed up in one way or another. I don't think it really has to do with being codie...I think it has more to do with feeling safe with men like this because I feel less vulnerable around them. Truth is, I tend to get anxious around men who are smarter, or as smart as me. I just started to realize this though.
I think I also tended to always listen to the words of these men, and not the actions. Just like with my father. It's only recently that it dawned on me that I can demand acceptable behavior and treatment from the men in my life. I'm sure my choice in men has a lot to do with what they call "unfinished business". Maybe choosing men who don't treat me right, and who are also not in touch with themselves and pretty messed up, because I am looking for that love and acceptance that I couldn't get from my dad.
I think when you grow up feeling hurt, vulnerable, and unlovable, it's overwhelmingly intoxicating when you meet someone who claims to "love" you right away. I look back on all my relationships, and this is a common thread...they threw themselves at me...instant love...like a warm blanket with no work involved...no fear...no questions...I was in charge, not vulnerable, and felt safe from my own insecurities.
So, why did I go for an alocholic? I think my history indicates to me that healthy, whole men make me uneasy...I feel safe with those who I can easily "rise above" with little work.
With the messed up ones, I feel in control.
I can relate to so much of what is being said here. Cagefree's statement about being raised to not trust her own feelings particulary hits home.
I never thought I could change my AH. I didn't even think he needed fixing (at least in the beginning years). I, like so many here, really thought that his drinking was just in fun and would dissapate as we grew up and took on more responsibility.
I knew nothing about alcoholism. I was ignorant to the red flags...and did not trust my feelings enough to pay attention to them and really try to figure out what was bothering me on a certain level. I thought those nagging feelings were unreasonable fears. I had been told my whole life that I overreacted...I didn't want to overreact and ruin the "best" thing that I had ever had. I just wanted a normal happy life! My AH was a "good", handsome, hardworking man...and he "adored" me...why concentrate on the negative? ha!
My AH was sweet and attentive in the beginning. I felt happy and normal in a way I had never before. Those nagging feelings and worries just seemed to me like my dirty core always trying to rain on a parade. I told myself repeatedly that no one's perfect, and that if I dumped my A then I'd be alone my whole life searching for someone without faults who doesn't exist.
I have a history of dating men, and feeling comfortable with men who are messed up in one way or another. I don't think it really has to do with being codie...I think it has more to do with feeling safe with men like this because I feel less vulnerable around them. Truth is, I tend to get anxious around men who are smarter, or as smart as me. I just started to realize this though.
I think I also tended to always listen to the words of these men, and not the actions. Just like with my father. It's only recently that it dawned on me that I can demand acceptable behavior and treatment from the men in my life. I'm sure my choice in men has a lot to do with what they call "unfinished business". Maybe choosing men who don't treat me right, and who are also not in touch with themselves and pretty messed up, because I am looking for that love and acceptance that I couldn't get from my dad.
I think when you grow up feeling hurt, vulnerable, and unlovable, it's overwhelmingly intoxicating when you meet someone who claims to "love" you right away. I look back on all my relationships, and this is a common thread...they threw themselves at me...instant love...like a warm blanket with no work involved...no fear...no questions...I was in charge, not vulnerable, and felt safe from my own insecurities.
So, why did I go for an alocholic? I think my history indicates to me that healthy, whole men make me uneasy...I feel safe with those who I can easily "rise above" with little work.
With the messed up ones, I feel in control.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Just something I wanted to add - my Mum is a classic "codie". That's how I learnt, along with the fact that she was seriously ill when I was very young and I became a Little Adult at the age of 4. No alcoholism in our family, but TONS of dysfunction, especially on my Dad's side. Guess what? My Dad became a workaholic, although now has a much better balance. Same $hit, different outlet.
A big trigger for my codieness was emotional unavailablity because of my Mum being ill and my Dad being focussed on work. And you can't get much more emotionally unavailable than a problem drinker. Especially one with the ability to have a Pretend Self who set out to be the person of my dreams.
A big trigger for my codieness was emotional unavailablity because of my Mum being ill and my Dad being focussed on work. And you can't get much more emotionally unavailable than a problem drinker. Especially one with the ability to have a Pretend Self who set out to be the person of my dreams.
Follow Directions!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Taz - you'd be surprised at how perceptive people are on a subconscious level. As I heard on a speaker tape once, "I can sniff them through lead." It isn't about being with a drinker, it's about fixing a person. Do you think you displayed some signs of being a troubled soul before your drinking really became a problem, however subtle they might have been?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Sometimes we pick someone just like dear ole dad or mom Or what feels comfortable on an unconscious level.
It took me 'til I was 40 to choose a partner that didn't fit that bill.
It took me 'til I was 40 to choose a partner that didn't fit that bill.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I should probably start another thread of this but here goes anyway. What really is a "codie" as you put it. From reading some of the posts it seems it is someone who controls someone or depends on someone (put me straight here)
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hey Just, I just read the definition of codependent in the book Codependent No More.
It said, A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
Based on that definition I know ALOT of codependent people. It's confusing!
It said, A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
Based on that definition I know ALOT of codependent people. It's confusing!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
co - dependant
Equally dependant
A controling person needs someone to control.
A dependant person needs someone to do for them.
A lazy person is sometimes seen as a dependant person and others will do for them thinking thet are being helpful. A nice person who likes helping others can get pulled into such a role.
People can fall into any of such roles without drugs or alcohol being involved but adding addictive substances, a person who is trying to help can start trying to save and we can't be saved by others...we need to make the choices ourself as individuals.
Equally dependant
A controling person needs someone to control.
A dependant person needs someone to do for them.
A lazy person is sometimes seen as a dependant person and others will do for them thinking thet are being helpful. A nice person who likes helping others can get pulled into such a role.
People can fall into any of such roles without drugs or alcohol being involved but adding addictive substances, a person who is trying to help can start trying to save and we can't be saved by others...we need to make the choices ourself as individuals.
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