an'ka

Excellent point, Zoey (i.e. men marry women they don't want to change and visa versa for women)! MY AH always says that I am his best friend and he loves our marriage and doesn't want a divorce--well, of course he doesn't want a divorce! Why would he? I take care of the home, I have a well paying job, I take care of the child, I don't ask him for money, I never gave him grief over staying out with the boys when we lived together. He got great gifts for birthdays and holidays, I willingly paid his bills while he was employed and then for a year after he lost the job and drank, I am his emergency cash reserve--shall I continue? And for all that, I demanded nothing in return. Good grief.

chero

Wow, Taz! Great question!

I was a codie looking for a life to inhabit!

Funny thing, I knew my AH had problems in his past but I liked the idea that he had overcome them. How in denial was I--even way back then!

dollydo

Taz,

Great question.

For me, I was somewhat raised by two alcoholics, who divorced when I was 1 1/2 yrs old. They both remarried, my Dad once,to an alcoholic, my Mother 4 times, all times to an alcoholic. If they were not full blown alkies when she married them, they were when she divorced them.

I was born co-dependent, I was the adult even as a child. I followed their choices, married two alcoholics, I knew I could save them, I would do better than my parents did. It was all bull duckie, I failed.

My mom is still drinking today at 81, she is a serious drinker, my Dad stopped about 10 years ago...I have detached, I am in recovery from codependency, and will be for the rest of my life.

My Mom was the chicken, I am the egg. She gave me life, and I intend to live it on my terms.

TexasGirl

Zoey, I think your post was full of wisdom.
Thanks for sharing that. I think you might have hit a few truths there.

fluffyflea

I think both diseases compliment each other and when a codie and alcoholic come together they fill each others void.

They fit neatly together like a jig saw puzzle.
Earthworm

cagefree

Codie - long before I met him. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home - I never saw my parents drinking - there just wasn't any drinking around me growing up. I was brought up always being told that I overreacted to everything and it seemed that whatever emotion I felt wasn't what I should be feeling. I began to look to others for approval and validation. I looked outside of myself in order to control what was inside.

Alcoholism. Didn't know much about it except it was a disease and that if you had an alcoholic in your life, you went to al-anon and the alcoholic went to AA.

So, I met my ex who said he was a recovering alcholic. I fell head over heels for him and was thrilled that he was "honest" about his past (2 DUI's).

Thing is, I didn't realize what this disease was all about. I went to al-anon, but I did it because I was being a good codie - my way of controlling...if I do X, he will do Y (go to AA) and outcome Z will result = marriage, happiness and kids.

Gag-a-freakin-maggot! My equation didn't work and I didn't learn much until I started seeing my counselor.

Most of my relationships have been with men who try to use or control me - which is why I've only had one relationship last longer than 9 months. Funny, the longest turned out to be with the A!

Bottom line - I think that whole people find other whole people to have a relationship with. People who are missing parts of themselves look for others to fill it. Does that mean that whole people can become people missing parts - sure...and vice versa.

I'm trying and trying to be a whole person...

Zoey

Best, LOL You are one of the loveable ones that make life fun sober.

Texas Girl ,Thank You !

Wascally Wabbit

Hmmm,
Yeah, just where does it begin? Most codies, at least everyone I have ever seen, has had alcohol or drugs in their past. Either family member or friend.
It's like what came first, the chicken or the codie?
While I am thinking about it, if we turned the time machine to the year 4000 BC, we just might find the first bottle of beer being brewed then drank, the first signs of alcoholism and before you know it, the codie is born. Born to "take care of" the alcoholic.
Interesting post!

duet_4-8

I really don't know which came first with me, because in the beginning (after all, it was the 1970's *grin*) I was a party gal myself. We danced and drank and smoked pot and danced some more....had a grand ole time together.

My wake up call came when I found myself pregnant with our first child. So of course I had to give it all up (and did so gladly) and he just went off the deep end. In hindsight, I guess he was always off the deep end, but I didn't realize it because I thought we were having fun...

I guess I was always a caretaker, even as a child, but my parents were not alcoholics and were fairly normal people. I thought I could 'love' exah into the man he could become. What a crock. All I did was turn into someone I disliked very much over the course of almost 25 years.

DesertEyes

Heya Taz,

Both.

I am both a codie and an alkie. I have the disease of _more_. More of anything that will distract my mind from my low self-esteem, my fear of failure, my insecurities, and on and on and on. Being addicted to the chaos of life with a pill-addicted wife is not that different from being addicted to booze. While I am on the "high" of my "drug of choice" I have no problems, no worries, no stress. Either they are _her_ problems, or they are drowned in booze. Either way _I_ am perfect, _I_ am needed, _I_ have found the true love of my life.

My pill addicted wife did not create the codie-ism in me. _I_ created it. I fed it, nurtured it, protected it from well-meaning friends and held on to it far beyond reason. If I had not become addicted to booze I would have found some other drug eventually. If I had not become addicted to the chaos of my marriage I would have found another marriage.

It's all the same disease. It's just the drug of choice that's different.

Mike

TexasGirl

Jen, I was kind of the same way. No family history of alcoholism on my side, or really his that I know of. We just had a blast partying in college....he just kept it up and got worse. I still go out, and I still drink.....just not like he did or does. His nonsense got worse, and I eventually got tired of his nonsense. I think the drinker picked the girl that he could hold the power over, and I think the girl with no sense of self picked the guy who would do just that. Alcoholism just happened to become involved between a couple, one of which was a control freak and one of which was a people pleaser.

hee hee, guess which one I was....

HolyQow

The alcoholism came first.....otherwise, we would not have a reason to be codependant. If there is no alcohol, then I would just be a nagging wife, who can find ANYTHING to 13itch about

minnie

I was primed by my upbringing (along with societal conditioning) and then targeted. The holes in my head fitted the horns on his although he had to work some to make my holes big enough (steady, now!)

A bit like getting fit for a marathon - I had the necessary parts and he trained me well. And I was a willing student, albeit unknowingly.

I believe that many of the cues were so subtle that they were only discernable by the subconscious. It is no surprise that I was raised as a fixer and a people-pleaser (and lots besides) and then found someone that I thought needed fixing.

Tazman53

Excellent question, when I met my wife I do not feel I was looking for a codie due to my drinking, I was simply looking for a loving women that would accept a divorced father with custody of his three children! Looking back she sure did fill the codie bill even then, only I think at that point she was seeking to heal my children and bring a father into her daughters life to heal her.

My wife shines as a codie, but not for curing my alcoholism, but for trying to take care of every possible problem for our children. I could write a book on this, but I digress!

Even though she had thrown out her first husband who was an alcoholic who did not beleive her when she told him she was throwing him out if he did not quit drinking, so he kept on drinking, she threw him out!

Ah but she is a codie for her kids, her first husband was emotionaly harming her daughter who was 3 at the time, he refused to get sober, so for the good of her child she threw him out.

The first time I went to her house I arrived with a 6 pack in hand, I had asked her if it was okay and if she wanted anything to drink, she said it was okay, but she did not want anything to drink.

As the years went by my drinking got worse and started to affect my children, this is when she started to get in my case about it, not for her, but for the good of our children!

Eventually for the sake of the children she told me they were moving out in a month, she told me she would not allow me and my drinking to destroy our children nor did she want them have to watch me kill myself.

My wife is a codie, but thank God she was a codie for our kids and not for me.

So was I seeking a codie? Yes, but not for my drinking, but for my children.

Tazman53

One observation/question if I may, if it was not an alcoholic or a drug addict could the need to fix be fulfilled by other things, with my wife I see hers as the children, my ex mother-in-law it was her mentally ******** son, he has passed and it seems as though she is a lost soul, she still does volunteer work with the ******** which gives her some relief.

minnie

The term "co-dependent" evolved from "co-alcoholic", I think. However, I think "codependency" traits are not confined to those involved with people with addiction issues. To me, it's a control issue, particularly a need to control and fix one's environment and the people in it. And the ultimate challenge is dealing with an addict, perhaps.

I see people with co-dependent traits everywhere - it seems to be a default setting in the Western world - mainly looking outside oneself for identity and happiness. Or maybe it's just in my world. Many people channel those traits postively and successfully. Other don't. And some, like me, aim to do the former with a bit of leakage on occasion.

Oh, and I am not quite sure I buy that you weren't looking for a codie for yourself, Taz. Wasn't she the perfect woman to pick up your responsibilities so that you could carry on drinking?

chero

Now there is a good question.

Could the need to fix be filled with something other than addicts?

For me it is about the control and that need to never feel or appear out-of-control. It was also about being needed and wanted.

I think I became my own drug. I wanted my AH to need me and depend on me. And for awhile he did....for everything. It filled a need for him and that in turned filled a need for me.

I'm just sitting here thinking of the things I did to keep that 'addiction' going. It's scary.
And let that house of cards crumble and you'll really see some sad behavior out of me.

Okay, I think I'm getting OT.

YES! That's my answer. I don't think it had to be an addict to feel that need; addicts are just so good at filling the bill. But without one I'd have found something else. I'm sure of it.

Tazman53

Minnie initially I was seeking some one I could love and that would love my children as well, when we met and got married I was not at the point I was 10 years later, where I did need her support to allow me to keep drinking. My giving up all responsibility for my life except drinking happened slowly and she picked up the slack. When we met I was more then capable of taking care of every thing by myself, as my alcoholism progressed is when I needed her to take care of things. When she was going to leave me high and dry to face it all on my own is when I saw death in my future if I did not stop drinking.

CE Girl

I would go a step further with this Minnie. And Taz, maybe this is what you mean when you speak of your wife.

I think there is a difference betwee being codie, and being a compassionate human being. And not for nothing, there's a fine line. I think to be a codie, you have to have the compassion. But having compassion, doesn't necesarily mean your a codie.

Taz's wife being an example of that. She will not allow Taz to affect her and she' compassionate enough to protect the children.

Does that make sense?

Peace

minnie

Taz - you'd be surprised at how perceptive people are on a subconscious level. As I heard on a speaker tape once, "I can sniff them through lead." It isn't about being with a drinker, it's about fixing a person. Do you think you displayed some signs of being a troubled soul before your drinking really became a problem, however subtle they might have been?

CEGirl - absolutely! That's the line that I am constantly watching as I meander my way through life. I think I have become far more compassionate in recovery, tbh. Before, it was all about me, really.