chero

There's a poem I've been reading over and over lately. It starts out by saying:

How deeply afraid I've always been
of the lightness of being and the darkness within.

The, I don't know what you call it, tough love(?), mirror held up in front of my face, I got the other day has really forced me to stop and examine myself. Not my AH, not my upbringing, not anything...just ME.

It was not a pretty picture. Prodigal, your words cut me to the quick. I want to say thank you for that. Your post forced me to examine myself and make some decisions. One of which was to rip off the 'band-aid' that I was wearing around like a badge of honor. Turns out there wasn't anything under it. Just me.

I realized I had to decide which I was more afraid of...the lightness of being or the darkness within.
Funny, it seems like such an easy choice but it wasn't. The darkness was familiar. But the thought that the lightness might be out there...I knew that had to be my choice.

I went to my first Alanon meeting last night (with an open mind). I'm going back. I called a counsellor at the women's shelter. And I'm believing that I will someday walk out of the darkness and into the light.

But I'll never know if I don't put one foot in front of the other and start living my own life.

There is another line in that poem that says:

I longed for a day when my life would begin
for a chance to recover the child within.

I know I can't see it now but maybe I'm on the way to recovery!?

ICU

Trust me Chero, by putting one foot in front of the other, and by doing the positive things that you 'are' doing 'for you', you too will begin to see that beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. It's awesome!!

You are on your way my friend!!

Mr. Christian

It’s a great start that you have.

Along the path you will learn more about yourself then you can imagine.
When we look in the mirror and examine ourselves we see a variety of things.
Why we do or act a certain way.

Why we settle or accept the unacceptable.

In time you will, as I and many have, find that happiness is within you and you alone.
It does not revolve around other people or places.

Peace within you is there and when it does surface, you find that the journey had to take place.

loveRoy

I was so happy when I saw that you had posted. You have really been on my mind. Chero, you put a smile on my face. You are doing great--one step at a time. You give me strength. Have a peaceful day.

duet_4-8

You are doing great! It is very hard to remove that 'victim' badge that we wear, but doing that it is living in freedom and it is living in the light. It is scary at first because we are so used to the darkness, but it is SO worth it!

I am so very proud of you! You have been on my mind a lot these last few days, because you remind me of myself many years ago; your marriage reminds me of my own and the feelings you share are the ones I battled for a very long time.

Keep taking those baby steps!


((((HUGS))))

Rella927

Keep going Chero! One step at a time! Baby steps....it is very scary to live without all the drama because we become some use to it! Life is so much happier when there is no drama in our lives and we have complete control over how we react to things that do go on in our life!

Breathe in ......Breathe out....your doing great!

CE Girl

Sista, you are reading a poem about the "core". The very depths of who you are.

I remember when my husband died. Being part of that "team" for so long, the old cliche, "I lost part of myself" held very true.

I embarked on a journey that would lead me to "finding myself" in that missing part. My core

Do you know I was so busy taking care of him, my children and every thing else around me, I didn't even know my favorite color? I had ceased to exist in the aspect of knowing and DEFINING who I was. Too busy taking care of everyone else's needs. Sound familiar?

By the way, I know today, its GREEN. The day I discovered that, I was running (jogging) around a lake. Good thing I had sunglasses on cause I was crying like a baby. From there, I (my core) took off. I began to define what I wanted my life to be without him. I found my strength. Began to beleive I could have what I wanted and be the best person I could be for ME. It shaped me into the simple little native hippie chick I am today.

I risked losing that with my A. Damn it, he ain't getting it!!!

In a way, I was lucky with that expereince. My husband was dead. Unless I wanted to try a ouiji board, no way I was gonna contact him,,lol.

This is TEN times harder. You have my admiration AND respect.

Now go figure out what your favorite color is girl,,,

Love and Peace

Zoey

So glad you reported in.
Caring hugs

Sunflower

hang in there

minnie

Good for you, Chero.

Choose life. Choose light. Choose YOU.

prodigal

Sorry I came down so hard on you, Chero. I didn't do it with the motivation to be mean, but I saw you weakening and I was hoping to hit a nerve - any nerve - to get you to see going back to him could cause you serious physical harm. I realize I come across as harsh and blunt at times, but when I know a woman is contemplating putting herself in harm's way, my codie control instincts go into overdrive!

criss-cross

I posted this back in March -
Here it is again for anyone that missed it.

CE Girl

Anybody heard from Chero since she posted this this morning?

I'm concerned

chero

I'm fine. Just feeling sad and blue.

Thanks for all your encouragement. You all mean so much to me.

I know eventually things will get better....just wish eventually was tomorrow!

Well, I'm off to put on foot in front of the other!

Thanks you guys!

MsGolightly

chero, things will get better... there's nowhere to go but up! you've come a long way and you've shown how much courage you have. things will be rough for awhile before they get better, but they WILL, and you know it!

CE Girl

Me too Sista,,Me too

Let's hang on to each other k?

Peace

Mr. Christian

I really thought it would never get better in any respect.

It was about a month into our separation when I had gotten laid off from work also.
It was getting to the point that the bills were stacking up and I was having trouble getting a new job.

The world was caving in.


I look back at that time and realize one important fact.


The reason we fall is so we can get back up again.

All this will pass.

chero

I am sitting in my office crying my eyes out praying nobody walks in.

I really had to fight not to contact him this morning. But I didn't.

My emotions are all over the place.

CE Girl

Girl, me too!!! The tears are just a flowin today ain't they,,,,

Thankfully, I can close my office door.

What's helping me right now? READING the posts. Rella's going to court today. Makes me think, as bad as I think it is for me, there are others out there with far greater challenges than me, and their facing it!!!

No CONTACT CHERO

Hang on to us

Peace

chero

Okay, I've dried my eyes. Fixed my make-up. Took a deep breath.

Something I heard said once just popped into my head:
"What couldn't you accept if you knew that everything happened for a reason."

I just have to believe that there is a reason and a purpose in everything!