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Old 05-05-2007, 02:11 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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No, Chero, it is NOT right. You have been exposed to this abuse and insanity for so long that you have learned to adapt to it and minimize the seriousness of what is happening in your home.

Let me just tell you what happened to me on a Sunday evening in June 2000. My exAH needed money (as usual) and told me he was "coming up short" on paying his bills. I said I couldn't hand over $800 of my paycheck to him; $400 was all I could spare. After dishes went crashing into our kitchen sink, courtesy of my ex, I got almost all of my clothes and files into my car in about 15 minutes. Man, was I moving FAST!!! Then he tried to charm me into staying. That didn't work either. As I was heading for the front door, he blocked it. He told me I wasn't going out that door without forking over the $800, and I could come back for my cat the next day.

I calmly told him to move away from the door. He moved. Then he followed me out to my car. As I was unlocking the door, he grabbed me and shoved me down on the driveway. I managed to get up and by the grace of God, I got the car door unlocked. He then grabbed the car door in an attempt to get my car keys out of my hand. I floored it, and threw him off the door of my car. It was 11 pm on a Sunday night and I ended up, with my cat, ringing the doorbell of a lady who attended the same church as me. They took me in for two weeks while I looked for a place to stay.

Take it from someone who has lived with this type of threat. They ain't kiddin' around. I'm lucky to be alive because my exAH had an unregistered revolver in his office. I think the only thing that kept him from shooting me was the shock that I actually had the guts to finally walk out on him for good.
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Old 05-05-2007, 04:48 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I think this would be called, "her's getting a taste of his own medicine". An alcoholic wouldn't put up with their own crap for a second. Up until now, your role in his drinking has been clearly conditioned. He drinks and you've been conditioned to react in some way that satisfys him. In other words, he thought he had you right where he wanted you.
This change in you fits him like a shoe that's way too small. Every word out of his mouth is an attempt to get you back into the mode of "you trying to be what he wants you to be". There's only one kind of woman you can be to live like that.
You aren't willing to be that kind of woman.
You were not put here to be in servitude to a beverage.
As the stories are told generation to genration about your family line, I hardly think your ancestors had this in mind for you.
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Old 05-05-2007, 06:53 AM
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Chero,

What have you decided about calling the DV hotline number? Here it is again in case you lost it.....800-799-7233. They might have some helpful things to tell you. They certainly gave me a lot to think about with respect to safety issues when dealing with my ex. Must have worked 'cause I'm still here!!! :-)

Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
In my AH's case, he became delusional about many things in the last months of our relationship. He'd hallucinate, hear voices, thought he was psychic, etc. I have to be honest, that it crossed my mind that he was mentally ill in other ways besides alcoholism...but I've researched it, and I don't believe he is. I've read that prolonged, heavy drinking sometimes causes delusion.
I hear 'ya NewEnglandGirl...I went through something similar with my ex too. He used to have complete conversations with...well...I don't know who because he was the only one in the room at the time. I mean, complete, detailed conversations with the most evil laugh afterwards. Sometimes his eyes were open, and sometimes not. The evilness of his words still make my skin crawl just thinking about it. Of course he didn't remember a thing. I never gave him details of what he said because I felt to verbalize it back to him might give it/him more power...as in actually doing what he was talking about doing.

This was also around the same time he blew a .4 BAC and that reading was AFTER sleeping for about 3 hours. I suspect he's had the reading numerous times towards the end of our relationship.

Delusional....yeah, I'll say!!!
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Old 05-05-2007, 07:47 AM
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What would it take to make you "need" to leave?

A stretcher?

The manipulative threats are obvious to us. Are they to you?
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Old 05-05-2007, 12:05 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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wow - (((chero)))) - this sure makes me glad i did not live with my XAF. (notice, i called him "X" for the first time....) hope that is progress!!!
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Old 05-05-2007, 01:31 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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chero, have you called a crisis line to see what they can do?

Finding out what you can do is power.

I would go to a womans shelter, call police and tell them he is scarey, then if anything comes up on property, settlements etc. you will be covered that you did not leave the home, you just went to be safe.

Something is holding you back? If it is love only, it will be there, if and when he gets help.

My suggestions only, You have to go with your gut, but get some power under your belt. such as divorce laws, seperation laws, property laws,etc.

At a crisis center you can go to work, have people to talk to after work, can have time to think. Does your state have seperate maintence, I would ask for that until he can find soberity. Make sense? Then he too would have time to think.

Stop the Merry-go-round, stop the dance, stop the games, stop the battle, and chaos.
Caring hugs to you both
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Old 05-05-2007, 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Anyways, sweet Chero, yes, he senses your growth, and it makes him uncomfortable. He will most likely start to pull out the "big guns" now to try to put you back in your "place".
That's what happened to me, chero. My exAH was following me all over the house, or just staring at me with this pitiful look (that meant 'don't you know how much you are hurting me???' and 'why aren't you playing the game anymore???').

After we seperated, he started spinning in circles from one tactic to another. First he was begging, then promising, then using 'I'm just gonna do what God tells me to', then threatening, then running all over our church and to our grown children spreading malicious lies about me. Repeat above tactics......

I can't believe this is the man I used to love; that I had children with. He has done and said some of the most outrageously hurtful things in the last 9 weeks; things I never thought even he could do or say.

My point is-get ready for it to get worse if you really mean to detach from him (I don't mean neccessarily to leave him, just to stop letting your every thought and emotion revolve around him.) If he is anything like my ex, he can and will sense that you are not playing the game anymore and he will pull out all the stops to turn things back into what he wants them to be (which in my case was for me to be quiet, take care of everything, stay in my place, and let him do whatever he felt like doing whenever he felt like doing it with no regard for anyone else's feelings).

Take care of yourself and pray pray pray (I've seen you on the Christian boards). A book that helped me tremendously is 'Boundaries' by Cloud and Townsend. It backs up the need for us to set boundaries around our lives with scripture, and it opened my eyes to the deception of the 'submissive wife' syndrome. (I battled that for years-trying to reconcile my faith and what I had been taught about what a wife is to do with the harsh reality of my marriage.) I have a perfect peace about my decision this time, because I honestly believe that God loves ME enough not to expect me to stay in an abusive, unhealthy relationship. I know that I tried as hard as anyone could, and stayed longer then I probably should have, and that it is OK for me to take care of myself. It is not being selfish, it is being wise.

(((HUGS AND PRAYERS))))
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Old 05-05-2007, 05:48 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I went to a women shelter myself with my son when he was 2 1/2..I stood on the end of the street with a little bag with some clothes in it and they sent me a taxi from the shelter.He had gone out for the night and I didn't want to be there when he came home for the usual.The week before he had beaten me and strangled me until I was out cold--I woke up (thank god) on the floor with the baby on top of me screaming.
I was safe at the shelter and they had consultants who helped you with legalities and moveing if you needed to.
I went home to may parents after a week I think and he called and told me''I am coming to break your back now you **** and kill the baby''
Now my parents didn't know what was going on I hadn't told them anything. I dialed 911 as soon as I hung up--he came to the door--wanted to see me and my mom told him go away.He kicked down the door-took my son-and drove off in his car.
Luckily the police came right as he was going down the street-and he was arrested--everything and anything they could charge him with--they did and I agreed.
I hate to think what he would have done to me if he got me or what he was planning on doing to my son..
I still have flashbacks of that night--when thepolice handed me my son crying and shaking and hanging on to me for dear life
He is giving you a very clear warning--he is about to pull out the 'big guns'
Maybe it will take a stretcher to get you out of there
it will happen.
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Old 05-06-2007, 12:43 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Quote Duet 4-8:

My exAH was following me all over the house, or just staring at me with this pitiful look (that meant 'don't you know how much you are hurting me???' and 'why aren't you playing the game anymore???').

After we seperated, he started spinning in circles from one tactic to another. First he was begging, then promising, then using 'I'm just gonna do what God tells me to', then threatening, then running all over our church and to our grown children spreading malicious lies about me. Repeat above tactics......


My EXAH did that until one day I knew....but I was dumb..

My bag was packed by the door..I was at the end of the dining

table and he was by the doorway.

He was drunk and said "You're cheating on me you w----!

You're crazy and a c--- just like my mom!"

I pretended dialing police but actually called my sister so I

had a witness...she stayed on the line..and he let me go.

I never went back...

Like Duet...you may suffer the aftermath...it was horrible but

worth it.

Chero, you are my friend and I don't want to see you get hurt.

I think you still love him..but as Melody Beattie once said.

"What's to love?" And someone here said the love will be there

after he gets help. Even then it will take some time...before it

would be safe for you.

Love,

:

Sherry
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Old 05-06-2007, 04:49 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I've been avoiding posting on F&F for a couple of days while I try to sort things out in my mind.

I know there is no reasoning with an A esp. an abusive A who feels...?..whatever he feels.

But this comment stopped me in my tracks.

Originally Posted by BigGirlPanties View Post
What would it take to make you "need" to leave?

A stretcher?

The manipulative threats are obvious to us. Are they to you?
I cannot keep my mind from these words, BGP.

In the past two days, I've questioned my motives, my beliefs, my fears, my hopes. I've questioned everything and everybody I know to question, including myself.

I don't want anything to keep me away from this forum-I love it here and I need to be here. And I esp. don't want the truth to keep me away. BGP, I know your words are true. When I read "a stretcher?" I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.

I guess I just...Oh, I don't know where I was going with all this.

A friend on here said sometimes you just have to take the leap and believe you'll fly.

Fly OR fall I know I'm going to just have to jump...
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Old 05-06-2007, 05:12 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Chero, BGP is right. Our basic instinct is fight or flight. You can't fight him...you won't win and he will harm you. You have to fly. Don't make it a drama, don't feed the monster, just leave while you still can.
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Old 05-06-2007, 06:20 PM
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It's called a leap of faith, Chero. Many folks before you have taken one, including me.
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