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Old 05-02-2007, 06:07 PM
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His family

I live in a rural community which is very backwards and very very catholic and what goes on behind doors is likely to remain there - no matter how horrendous. When I met him, his mother wasn't altogether impressed, I am not Catholic nor am I Irish. However, I made a huge effort especially on account of her age (then 84) and being so set in her ways. We eventually got on and when my son came along we went to visit every week etc. All this changed when I asked him to leave. I was immediately ostracised (sp?) and so was my son. It is *a thing unheard of* because *generations of Irish women put up with it*, I was told *one just makes do* and *who am I to think I can just kick him out, have I no heart*?

He is the youngest son of seven children and was indulged from the get go. Not finacially as they were very poor back then but he got away with everything he did, even when he stole his fathers car at 12 yro and crashed it (blinding drunk) - it is a story they like telling at family reunions and they laugh about it...

He is a *functioning* alcoholic, always managed to hold down a job. So as long as he brings in money, what the hell am I complaining about?

Today his mother rang me. I had not heard from her in a long time. She let loose a tirade about how it was all my fault, how I made him drink again and that he was OK before he met me (not taking into account that he drank for 20 years straight before he went cold turkey without any support but locked himself into his cottage and did it alone. She spewed her rage at me and I did not know what to say...

She also said that I always put my animals before her son...

I try not to let it get to me but it is hard especially since I have no family left and his family is the only one my son has apart from my person...
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:17 PM
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Parents sometimes are in denial for life, it is there mantra, someone else is always responsible for their childrens actions...they never can face the truth, something just went wrong with their child...if they accept the truth, then they feel guilt, what did they do wrong...possibly nothing. It is a cycle, their own dynamics, not yours.

Do the best you can for your son, and, don't let their family dynamics make you feel bad...it is their problem, not yours.

Focus on you, your son...let the rest go.
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:22 PM
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Macushla,
Bless your heart. How horrible for someone to say the things she said to you.
She certainly does not have a realistic view on the situation. Im so sorry she spewed her emotion onto you. She is not quite seeing the situation for what it is, it would appear. Mothers of alcoholics sometimes have these views. I was lucky, as that was not the case in my experience, although I know it is more common to experience what you have than what I did.

Perhaps she will come round and realize that she is wrong. Although in the meantime, is it necessary for you to talk to her? Have you considered telling her that her presence is important in your sons life, although you will not tolerate her berating you?

I am sure others will be along to share what worked for them with the in-laws and their children.

In the meantime, blessings and hugs to you!
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:23 PM
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Macushla, my heart goes out to you and your son. Do you have any friends in the area?
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:29 PM
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Gosh we have a lot of Mother -Mother in Law--issues here!I am glad you are sharing them because I look at it in a positive way--I learn more and more of what I need to change about myself.

I understand why you would want his family to know your son as it is the only family he has. But then again if this gets out of hand--it might be better to have you son see less of them.

They have that ole time Irish Catholic disease---same one I have and half my family. Drinking was a way of life=a passage for a young man-and not taken seriously-almost expected. Things have changed dramatically as the generations change.
Knowledge is the key as it is with everything .
She is old -as you say- I would never argue or talk back--just let it go. But you don't have to take it from the A!!!
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:32 PM
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I haven't really as I am not an outgoing person and I run an animal rescue which also does not go down very well with the (mostly) farming community here. I live remote and although I do have volunteers who help out on weekends, I have no real friends here. I keep in touch with my friends via the internet and that helps a great deal though.
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:34 PM
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Well my dear, you have us
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunflower View Post
I understand why you would want his family to know your son as it is the only family he has. But then again if this gets out of hand--it might be better to have you son see less of them.
he doesn't see them at all anymore. As soon as I split up from his father they have stopped talking to me and on the few occassions I met them by chance, they ignored me which was hard on my son as he is too small to understand.
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:39 PM
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Macushla,

I might add that my x-hubby's family is Southern Baptist, and I, Catholic...they never accepted me because I was not Baptist, could never figure it out, so, I just gave up and went forward with my beliefs.
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by elizabeth1979 View Post
Well my dear, you have us
YES!! And you have no idea (or maybe you do ) of how much that helps.

Help has always been a sticky issue for me, I have never asked for it, no matter what was wrong in my life, I have always muddled through. But this is just too big for me to handle on my own. There is no way I can do this on my own and hold on to my sanity.
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:45 PM
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Doolydo, I hope I didn't come across as someone who is against religion but Irish Catholisism is something out of the Medieval Ages. I have travelled the world before I settled in Ireland and rarely have I encountered such a weird mix of superstition, paganism, Catholisism and of course the ever present God of Gossip...

To me Christianity is more of a lifestyle than a religion (I hope I am making sense...)
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:51 PM
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well not all catholics are true to their faith---Buddhism is a way of life---christianity is a religion......so sorry that you have had to deal with people who would emotionally harm a small child by ignoring him. You say you have lived all over the world and you have no friends---maybe its time to leave Ireland?........And yes you have all of us!
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:55 PM
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Machushla, I can't recall if you wrote about this before - do you remain there because the child's father is there?
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:57 PM
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I cannot leave here, all my money is tied up in the house and land. Plus, I have 30 dogs and a few equines that need looking after... And besides, I like it here, they are not going to drive me away. I have work to do here and I feel that I am needed here... And what better way for a child to grow up than with freedom and animals? I did enrol him in a kindergarten where he goes two days a week, so he wont start barking *gg*. And he loves it.
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:59 PM
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Mas,

Oh no, didn't take it that way at all...just trying to say... I have never understood the dividing line, to me, we each have own beliefs, and that is just fine, accept each of us on an equal plain and get to know us, for us, not our religish beliefs.
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Old 05-02-2007, 07:16 PM
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The thing is you say you are happy there---but you don't seem it at all in your previous posts....Maybe a move would be a good thing in the long run?It must be awfully hard to live somewhere where you dislike the culture---they don't like your job because it is a farm community--and you EXAH and his family give you such a hard time.
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Old 05-02-2007, 07:24 PM
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Macushla .... My heart goes out to you. You have so many challenges as it is without being attacked and criticized .. and you have done nothing to deserve it. I can remember my own mother being the focal point of blame and insults from her mother-in-law ... it is something I will never forget as I saw what an enormous struggle my mother had trying to support my brother and I while my Alcoholic dad disappeared and gave us little or no support for years. I never had much respect for that grandmother after that ... even when my dad stopped drinking and we saw her weekly, I always resented how she turned her back on us when we needed her support. As a result, I have always had tremendous respect for single parents estranged from the alcoholic spouses..it has to be one of the toughest situations to be in. You are trying to raise children with little or no financial or emotional support from the alcoholic parent ... and the kids are always wondering why they were never worthy enough so that the alcoholic parent would stop drinking ... and in your case, your innocent son has been abandoned by his other relatives as well.

I also do not have any family anymore ... so when I went recently went through the worst 3 years of my life, with my husband's health failing, and I was left to run our family business by myself doing both his job and mine, dealing with his unpredictable behavior and health, and had to single parent 2 sons .. I had to do it all on my own with no support from my husband's family. During those times, it could seem like a cold, cruel world ... and all I could do to rationalize his family's behavior, was to attribute it to their complete lack of understanding of alcoholism ... and lack of courage to get involved with such a challenging problem...it was just easier to turn their backs and not properly deal with it.

Keep coming back .. this is a wonderful place filled with people that support and understand the many challenges you have had to face.
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Old 05-02-2007, 07:26 PM
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I don't dislike the culture as such, not all is bad but when you are sitting on a black cloud it is kind of hard to see the sunny days ahead. And I did have sunny days here and will have them again. I just need to remind me every day that it is not of my making and that I can get through this. I cannot imagine to live anywhere else. I am needed here, the work I do fulfills me and this work is very important to me. I will get a caller ID and then I can decide whether or not to pick up the phone when they ring me. I have put that off for a long time but I think no time like the present.
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:44 PM
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I agree, no one should drive you away from somewhere you love. I think if I were in your situation I'd be working, then, to make staying less stressful. Knowing your legal rights are a start.

Glad you're here and keep posting!
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