Mommy bailed him out again....
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Originally Posted by elizabeth1979 
In my experience, it didnt matter who was bailing him out or sending him money via Western Union or paying his rent or whatever.
Someone was enabling him.
He didnt care who it was.
Yep, loving someone to death. That doesnt make enabling a good thing, bc its done out of love.
I like your theory Sun..but its hard sometimes!
Someone was enabling him.
He didnt care who it was.
Yep, loving someone to death. That doesnt make enabling a good thing, bc its done out of love.
I like your theory Sun..but its hard sometimes!
Exactly Elizabeth...it is hard sometimes-I know my codie thoughts kick in and I know I should not care who bails him out or enables him-but for some reason correct me if I'am wrong it does become my problem when he is out and stalking me-showing up in my face in and out of every corner-and I change my pattern, route, stay at friends etc.....so my question is since I'm somewhat new to the recovery process of all this..
I'am I crazy for thinking or caring if he is bailed out? (Not because of him but because of me and my safety?Not because of what his mother does because it is out of love and I realize that.) I guess you can say that I'm a bit flustered on this...
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I'am I crazy for thinking or caring if he is bailed out? (Not because of him but because of me and my safety
This may be one of those things that you can not control and have to let go of, knowing of course that you have a right to be safe and calm in your own home.
If it was putting my safety in jeopardy Id be pissed too!
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Mallow this is just it-and I probably could have summed up my post a bit better-by taking what you just said and Elizabeth! The "crazies" kicked in!
I have an appointment with the detective to sit down with her tomorrow-she is going to talk to the prosecutor-and my mother and I are both writing letters to legislative, judge etc....most of the officers, Sgts. (One Sgt. said to me my god he is arrogant) and detectives were all so concerened and more than helpful to me! My cousins who both are police are not really happy there is not much they can do as it is not in the same county-He is lucky its not!
Unfortunate everyone has the right to a bail hearing and a chance to post bail when it is in Family court-i.e. domestic if there is not other charges-he has not laid a hand on me-no bruises and such recently so he has rights-
The first was $150.00 to get him out the second bail was set at 10,000 with 10% (cash) the second was $25, 000 cash no 10% then at the bail hearing they put it to 10%.
The detective is not happy with the judge allowing this as well! This is a combo of enablers! Starting with the judge yes! I agree...
I have an appointment with the detective to sit down with her tomorrow-she is going to talk to the prosecutor-and my mother and I are both writing letters to legislative, judge etc....most of the officers, Sgts. (One Sgt. said to me my god he is arrogant) and detectives were all so concerened and more than helpful to me! My cousins who both are police are not really happy there is not much they can do as it is not in the same county-He is lucky its not!
Unfortunate everyone has the right to a bail hearing and a chance to post bail when it is in Family court-i.e. domestic if there is not other charges-he has not laid a hand on me-no bruises and such recently so he has rights-
The first was $150.00 to get him out the second bail was set at 10,000 with 10% (cash) the second was $25, 000 cash no 10% then at the bail hearing they put it to 10%.
The detective is not happy with the judge allowing this as well! This is a combo of enablers! Starting with the judge yes! I agree...
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Originally Posted by denny57
I know plenty of mothers who treat their kids like crap. Debating the mother issue (since that's where this thread went) clouds the real issue. It's like the alcoholic coming up with the "butcher's out of chicken" excuse and the ensuing discussion being about why can't the butcher run a better store, instead of the real point: the drinking.
Yes Denny....the drinking! B-I-N-G-O thank you for this!
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It seems that every one of these wingnuts that we hear about going off the deep end has the same MO. They have a record as long as your arm, arrest after arrest, bail after bail. I'm wondering if his mother isn't afraid of him. she may defend him and blame everyone else because she's afraid of what he'll do if she doesnt' bail him out.
Your own safety is most important and he seems to be tempting his luck and getting away with it.
I would write letters to the courts , the Judge and anyone else and I'd state that you are doing so to draw attention to his recurrent arrests, that you will hold them accountable if there is a consequence to you.
I would get a drum and bang it up and down main street. A letter to the editor is also a good public statement.
I would preface the letter with an apology that such a letter is even necessary. Sorry but too many news stories about men like this make my blood run cold.
Your own safety is most important and he seems to be tempting his luck and getting away with it.
I would write letters to the courts , the Judge and anyone else and I'd state that you are doing so to draw attention to his recurrent arrests, that you will hold them accountable if there is a consequence to you.
I would get a drum and bang it up and down main street. A letter to the editor is also a good public statement.
I would preface the letter with an apology that such a letter is even necessary. Sorry but too many news stories about men like this make my blood run cold.
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Yes it is in progress Mallow-this was the reason for the thread-I was pissed and did not elaborate to the full extent and apologize for that! My mother yelled at the Detective that she is doing what you said holding them accountable if something should happen to me!
As for his mother-just like him "it is my fault" she threatned to put a restraining order against me when I went to return his stuff at the parents house one day-and it was due to an e-mail that was written to me that I responded to in the start of all this-which was months ago. I laughed and said to her I do not think that will be possible but if you feel the need to do so then go ahead.
It is what it is and it is not my problem....but my problem is just to keep safe.
As for his mother-just like him "it is my fault" she threatned to put a restraining order against me when I went to return his stuff at the parents house one day-and it was due to an e-mail that was written to me that I responded to in the start of all this-which was months ago. I laughed and said to her I do not think that will be possible but if you feel the need to do so then go ahead.
It is what it is and it is not my problem....but my problem is just to keep safe.
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I can see why you would be scared with him stalking you--that has to be frightening--my EXAH pulled that but not for long--I went to the court with no lawyers-22 years old--and I told them-and they followed thru but only after a lot of prodding and leg work by me.
The system works but only if you keep after it.
Usually you are in no emotional state to do this but...you have no choice.
What exactly has he done to you-has he hit you?(curious)
I can;t understand why you are involved with HIS mother?
And your mother is just doing what she thinks is right.
Why are you still so involved with him and his mom?
Has he threatened you?
I never went to my mom with any of this either until it was all over.
Yes I would bail my Son out of jail. I let him do an overnight and the next time a few days--but -this guy sounds like he is big time gonna go in jail with that many offences against him! His Mother is probably hysterical and petrified and feels responsible.
I am sorry you lost a baby--I didn't realize--but if you hadn't you would have fought for that child against satan if you had to.
Taz--you are a guy? Thats why you don't get it.Most people who say these things don't have children or have never been put in this spot.Telling your child you will not bail them out if they geet in trouble is one thing---following thru on it when it happens is another story.....
The system works but only if you keep after it.
Usually you are in no emotional state to do this but...you have no choice.
What exactly has he done to you-has he hit you?(curious)
I can;t understand why you are involved with HIS mother?
And your mother is just doing what she thinks is right.
Why are you still so involved with him and his mom?
Has he threatened you?
I never went to my mom with any of this either until it was all over.
Yes I would bail my Son out of jail. I let him do an overnight and the next time a few days--but -this guy sounds like he is big time gonna go in jail with that many offences against him! His Mother is probably hysterical and petrified and feels responsible.
I am sorry you lost a baby--I didn't realize--but if you hadn't you would have fought for that child against satan if you had to.
Taz--you are a guy? Thats why you don't get it.Most people who say these things don't have children or have never been put in this spot.Telling your child you will not bail them out if they geet in trouble is one thing---following thru on it when it happens is another story.....
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I know many parents who have not bailed their children out - of jail/prison or anywhere or anything else. It's a choice some people make and I don't believe they should be judged for it. Today I make decisions that work for me and I don't look for outside validation. I also don't make myself feel good about my own choices by criticizing someone else's.
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Yes we all have choice--and we are all different--you do whats right for your situation.Why would anyone need validation?You know the right way for you....and you do it without any regrets.You have to feel comfortable with these choices.Thats why we come here-to share our choices-fears-concerns with others and hope it helps them make there own choices.
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You know...this is a sticky subject. I am currently married to an addict who is doing a lot of "wrong" things that absolutely DO affect me. He is 100% at fault. However, everything that I have done to detach from him (kicked him out of house, turned off cell phone, do not talk to him, etc) in "tough love" has been given back to him by his enabling mother and IT DOES AFFECT ME because we have children together. So when his mother cushions his fall, his "rock bottom" becomes farther away. He does not seem to have any "voice of reason" when living with her and listening to her. Both him and his mother’s philosophy of thinking seems to be way off and he needs "someone" who has some bit of understanding about addiction. I am not saying that she should be an expert, or that I am an expert, but she refuses to do the research on “addiction,” so that she may help him. Instead she is trying to save him and that is a problem.
Mallowcup, please do not take this the wrong way, but when the addict has children, especially very young children, the enabling relationship between him and his mother does interfere with his relationship with his children. They are a gift given to HIM by God and his enabling mother DOES need boundaries to keep from interfering in his recovery. Like I told my mother-in-law who tried to compare what she is doing as a mother to what I am doing as a mother:
"How dare you! No, I am not doing the same as you. I am taking care of a 3 year old and 5 year old, not a 35 year old. I will not enable my children when they are grown adults and can take care of themselves. YOUR SON IS 35 YEARS OLD!!!!! He needs to grow up and be a responsible adult."
The crazy part about addiction is that it is a cycle that can and probably will be repeated from generation to generation. Enabling follows the same path of destruction. Both need help to STOP THE INSANITY!!! When you enable, you become a part of the problem and unconditional love has nothing to do with it.
I will not let my children go see their paternal grandmother without supervision because she is just as damaging. She is so hypnotized by my husband’s manipulations that she is not in her right frame of mind to make decisions based on my children’s best interest.
Originally Posted by mallowcup
A spouse is a chosen relationship. A child is a gift from God. No mattere who they are or how they turn out, a mother always feels a tremendous responsibility toward how they turned out. The bond between a mother and child is an impossible relationship to explain. On this earth there is one relationship that is unconditional ususally and that is the love between a mother and her child.
I am a mother and What I do in that role is no one elses business.
This comment has nothing to do with you.
As a mother, frankly, I don't need anyone to tell me my boundaries with my child.
I am a mother and What I do in that role is no one elses business.
This comment has nothing to do with you.
As a mother, frankly, I don't need anyone to tell me my boundaries with my child.
"How dare you! No, I am not doing the same as you. I am taking care of a 3 year old and 5 year old, not a 35 year old. I will not enable my children when they are grown adults and can take care of themselves. YOUR SON IS 35 YEARS OLD!!!!! He needs to grow up and be a responsible adult."
The crazy part about addiction is that it is a cycle that can and probably will be repeated from generation to generation. Enabling follows the same path of destruction. Both need help to STOP THE INSANITY!!! When you enable, you become a part of the problem and unconditional love has nothing to do with it.
I will not let my children go see their paternal grandmother without supervision because she is just as damaging. She is so hypnotized by my husband’s manipulations that she is not in her right frame of mind to make decisions based on my children’s best interest.
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did not mean to start anything by any means-was just a "feeling" I was having a bad time with the choice his mother made. I feel that it was my right to have that choice not to agree with bailing him out for the 3rd time in a month!
Sunflower-I have had NO CONTACT with this man! It is done! He drinks, gets drunk and I imagine his feelings of whatever they maybe kick in and he feels the need to find me (stalk) or call my friends (who have told him to F&*(* off) so on and so on....I do not feel that what I feel is based on if his mother is right or wrong for doing what SHE DOES for HERSELF...it is based on that I FEEL it is WRONG what she is doing because it is AFFECTING ME! He is not feeling scared for her life everytime she sees him! (My own issue that I need to work out-I have not discussed with anyone but my counselour,my sister and SR with hopes of some advice-my sister discussed what was currently going on with my mother because she is worried and has the right to do so when she feels her sister in danger of possibly being KILLED! I tried to keep my mother out of it as I said earlier.I love my mother and glad she loves me enough to help me, I just wish his mother loved him enough to do the same. I'm not going to be obsessive over it it is her choice-I just do not agree with it because it endangers my life at the CURRENT MOMENT once again.
I cannot change the love she feels for him-and the choices she makes or does not make to keep enabling him or not-I can only say what I did in the start of this thread and that is that I feel what she is doing in my eyes is wrong-FOR ME...I can feel this way it is not degrading her for loving her son-I do not know how it got on that road-I was stating that I guess more or less I cannot control her nor do I want too I just find it hard to deal with that after 4 DUI (one he got off scott free so 3),4 arrests for harrasing me-and a TRO that she would come to realize that it is his choices that are creating this and maybe she would let him sit there for a day or two.
This was all I was getting at! I do not speak to his mother or anyone in his family or friends circle-I have not done so for quiet sometime. I have started on my road to recovery and will not allow such behavior from any of them in my life. The choices they make are their own and the choices I make are my own....I just prayed that his mother would understand what is in front of her and love him enough as a mother to guide him to life instead of death....I tried and I'm worn out.
Denny as always your post is on the money! Thank you
Sunflower-I have had NO CONTACT with this man! It is done! He drinks, gets drunk and I imagine his feelings of whatever they maybe kick in and he feels the need to find me (stalk) or call my friends (who have told him to F&*(* off) so on and so on....I do not feel that what I feel is based on if his mother is right or wrong for doing what SHE DOES for HERSELF...it is based on that I FEEL it is WRONG what she is doing because it is AFFECTING ME! He is not feeling scared for her life everytime she sees him! (My own issue that I need to work out-I have not discussed with anyone but my counselour,my sister and SR with hopes of some advice-my sister discussed what was currently going on with my mother because she is worried and has the right to do so when she feels her sister in danger of possibly being KILLED! I tried to keep my mother out of it as I said earlier.I love my mother and glad she loves me enough to help me, I just wish his mother loved him enough to do the same. I'm not going to be obsessive over it it is her choice-I just do not agree with it because it endangers my life at the CURRENT MOMENT once again.
I cannot change the love she feels for him-and the choices she makes or does not make to keep enabling him or not-I can only say what I did in the start of this thread and that is that I feel what she is doing in my eyes is wrong-FOR ME...I can feel this way it is not degrading her for loving her son-I do not know how it got on that road-I was stating that I guess more or less I cannot control her nor do I want too I just find it hard to deal with that after 4 DUI (one he got off scott free so 3),4 arrests for harrasing me-and a TRO that she would come to realize that it is his choices that are creating this and maybe she would let him sit there for a day or two.
This was all I was getting at! I do not speak to his mother or anyone in his family or friends circle-I have not done so for quiet sometime. I have started on my road to recovery and will not allow such behavior from any of them in my life. The choices they make are their own and the choices I make are my own....I just prayed that his mother would understand what is in front of her and love him enough as a mother to guide him to life instead of death....I tried and I'm worn out.
Denny as always your post is on the money! Thank you
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Jen, I understand this full well. My point is that we can spend alot of time on people who do not stand in agreement with us, for progress in our own recoveries, I think the first thing we need to accomplish is a comfort zone in not having any conversations with them at all.
It doesn't take long to discover where peoples philosphies and loyalties lie.
We can't change them and I see no point in arguing with them.
In your own recovery, there are people we should invite in and people we need to end relationships with.
If and when we develope our own convictions about how our own lives will go and we act in the best interest of our children, we stop defending or explaining outselves to anyone.
That's where the energy needs to be invested, not in trying to endure or change the minds of people who have to set theri own boundaries.
His mother can defend him and bail him out and she will live with the result.
If her actions determine your result, you have to decide how to deal with that.
You won't change her mind. You can't control him and you can't control her.
Why not make this a no discussion topic and that becomes a boundary. Youhave boundaries set for your own house. If someone can not abide those boundaries, they will not be invited into the circle of trust and support you are making for you and your kids.
I undersanad what you are saying and understand how maddening it can be.
I also know that protection orders can be ordered for lots of people, including her.
My question for thought is, why have any conversations with her at all?
I would assume she will bail himout everytime, for whatever reason.
I would act on that, nothing more.
It doesn't take long to discover where peoples philosphies and loyalties lie.
We can't change them and I see no point in arguing with them.
In your own recovery, there are people we should invite in and people we need to end relationships with.
If and when we develope our own convictions about how our own lives will go and we act in the best interest of our children, we stop defending or explaining outselves to anyone.
That's where the energy needs to be invested, not in trying to endure or change the minds of people who have to set theri own boundaries.
His mother can defend him and bail him out and she will live with the result.
If her actions determine your result, you have to decide how to deal with that.
You won't change her mind. You can't control him and you can't control her.
Why not make this a no discussion topic and that becomes a boundary. Youhave boundaries set for your own house. If someone can not abide those boundaries, they will not be invited into the circle of trust and support you are making for you and your kids.
I undersanad what you are saying and understand how maddening it can be.
I also know that protection orders can be ordered for lots of people, including her.
My question for thought is, why have any conversations with her at all?
I would assume she will bail himout everytime, for whatever reason.
I would act on that, nothing more.
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Gee I hope I haven't offended anyone here--not my intention ever! Sometimes we are at a disadvantage on the computer not being able to read each others faces as well.
Everything Mallow wrrote is right on target.One never really knows what theywill do in any given situation unless they are in it.I never expected to have a 27 year old still at home---you never know your future and what it has instore for you,
I don't think there is anything''sticky'' about this post. I enjoy hearing people opinions wether I agree with them or not---that is how we learn....and I am all for learning all I can.....
Everything Mallow wrrote is right on target.One never really knows what theywill do in any given situation unless they are in it.I never expected to have a 27 year old still at home---you never know your future and what it has instore for you,
I don't think there is anything''sticky'' about this post. I enjoy hearing people opinions wether I agree with them or not---that is how we learn....and I am all for learning all I can.....
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