Mommy bailed him out again....

Old 05-01-2007, 09:31 AM
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Question Mommy bailed him out again....

Last night after the 3rd arrest in one month for harrasing/stalking and his own DUI (2nd one) his mother bailed him out again! Which I knew would happen because that is her little baby and he does not have the problem-because the problem is all my fault! (Quack Quack) See..I grasped a hold of me and my problem which was a part of the ride we were on....I'm taking responsibility for my actions! I know the mother will continue to enable him but not me anymore!

Now ...my mother calls me after she spoke with me yesterday and I filled her in a bit of what was going on-well my mom who I have learned to accept for who she is took it and ran and made DRAMA out of it! She called the poor detective and laid into her and this woman had just been back first day from vacation and my mom is ripping her a new one! The Det. is telling me-she told my mom that I could not talk to her because it could have been my XAB mother she did not know-there is a privacy act! I said sorry that you had to deal with that-she becomes a bit out of control with me being so many miles away! Understandable but unacceptable behavior to go off on a poor Det. who is really nice and working with me wonderfully on this!

Now what I had a hard time with is at first the nasty message my mother left me-"Your not following through with things""I'm out of this" (never asked her to call anyone mind you!) I just sat back and was so mad at first with her message (flash back can we say) then I said wait...she is who she is and I did that part of the work to realize this and accept her this way because I have no choice-but i have a choice on how I react to it! So I did not react anymore-and did not call her back
PHEW close one!

I got a restricted phone call I know from the XAB last night-it was as if he was trying to say I'm out-watch out-whatever may have you and I said you know I'm wasting energy on trying to figure out why he was so stupid to start AGAIN! I will talk to the detective tomorrow so I jumped in my sisters hot tub!

What is bothering me about this entire thing is that I'm pissed that I have to look over the shoulder-sleep at 20 different houses-drive and drive and drive-sneak home get more clothes and drive and drive-and I know he is not living his life or rather will not be in the best manner because of his choices but he is HOME at his house, his bed...etc and I did not pick to live my life like this-and I'am having a major problem with this today!? (I know I need to do this for my safety-and realize this but I'am just PISSED about it!)

Any suggestions, advice, hope to this? I have the "crazie head going" but trying hard to stay out of that icky place....one minute I'm good the next poof!
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Old 05-01-2007, 09:46 AM
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i'm sorry - too much drama. too bad the moms don't go to alanon? k
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Old 05-01-2007, 09:53 AM
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It seems like there are way too many people involved in it. The first thing I'd do is make a distinction between who is really helping and what real buisness it it of theirs. You can't change the dynamics of his family. It sounds like you expected his mother to bail him out and she did. It sounds like your mother is frustrated, very frustrated. Your mothers input was invited. The problem is really between you and your guy. Are you planning to permanent no contact? A once and for all move? I
As far as your life and your recovery, what is your plan?
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Old 05-01-2007, 09:57 AM
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Harassing and stalking charges usually come with mandatory TRO's.
Do you have a no contact order on him?
I would be turning him in if so. The judges Ive been in front of with TRO violations dont give bail to the offender who has violated the terms of his last bond.
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by parentrecovers View Post
i'm sorry - too much drama. too bad the moms don't go to alanon? k
Agreed!

Sorry things are so tough Rella - It's amazing the number of people affected (maybe infected's a better word?) by one person.

Glad you see the quacking as quacking...I can't add anything more to the good advice already provided above

(((())))
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:04 AM
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Actually Mallow he was kicked out of my home a year ago and a FRO placed!! He has serious problems that are not mine! I have been in counseling and trying to committ better to Al-Alnon as I do go not as often as I should-I made a plan and the plan was to get him OUT! Which I did...there is also a restraining order in effect! He see's me driving-(it is life this happens unless I move to another state) he gets drunk he starts with anything and everything-and has even gone to an x friend of mine and got my new number and not changing it again!

They keep allowing him out on bail-and as a citizen that is his right unfortunate for me! The detective assures me he will do jail time for this! "Holding breathe" we will see!

Yes it is alot of drama that I have removed myself from-and hence why I have phoned the police when he does contact-he is spinning out of control and my mother is afraid due to my ABrother. and things he has done in the past. (her issue with comparing not mine!) I understand and respect her feelings-but I did not ask for her involvement for her calling the detective!

It should be just the detective and I working together-The detective should not be considered drama-she is there to help me! And she is doing a great job-

And boy I tell you YES They need a Mothers Al-Anon group! So they can all gather and possibly get healthy together!
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:08 AM
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I'm not sure if it's quacking in this case. I think his mother and your mother are voicing their real feelings about all this. She may have bailed him out, but we do not know if this was easy or if it's killing her too. I will say that leaving my son to sit in jail is a whole different situation than leaving my husband there. His mother may be heartbroken and she may have no education or support to guide her.
It sounds like your mother is just fed up.
Each person involved comes to it from theri own place. I feel a great deal of heart to each. A mother worried about her son, a mother worried about her daughter.
I think it's important to evaluate if what you are doing in your own recovery is actually effective.
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:14 AM
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Yes which I stated up top! I agree she is worried about him and mine about me 100% but I must say that I do not agree with his mother placing the reason this man is in jail 100% on me! She did this when we were together anything that went wrong in the realtionship was my fault-the reason there was a restraining order was my fault, the reason he drank was my fault!

I do not mean to over step-and trust me I know being a mother is not easy I'm sure especially to watch your child in jail or make the poor choices and have to suffer for them. I'm sure it is painful-It was painful to watch my husband die (from an explosion with his body burned over 93%) painful to watch my girlfriend when her son of 11 died from a heart attack.

The point that I'am trying to make without getting "crazie" is that I understand both mothers to a degree with the pain they feel and as I said before I accept that 100% but what I do not accept that his mother blames me and just keeps enabling him-and bailing him out. I did not put the bottle down his throat (although I would have like to JAM it real hard at times) and I have to not react to her choices for whatever reason-
All I'am saying is that I'am having a bad codie day with the choices his mom is making although I have to not react but rather accept that for her own reasons unhealthy or healthy she bailed him out. PHEW *wipes* drool

And I feel as a part of my recovery I'am doing the right thing as I was told to contact the police when he violates- CHECK
I'am suppose to take care of me and remove myself and unacceptable behavior from the realtionship
CHECK
I'am in counseling and Al-Anon-working on my changes and path to recovery
CHECK

Just having a bad day is all............
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:18 AM
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I dont understand why if he has a no contact order in effect, why the detective is telling you this
he will do jail time for this!
and not telling the DA's office to issue a warrant for his violating the order.

YIKES!

Last edited by elizabeth1979; 05-01-2007 at 10:23 AM. Reason: missed a paragraph in your last reply
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:22 AM
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In your own recovery, what real difference does it make who his mother places the blame on?
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Rella927 View Post
The point that I'am trying to make without getting "crazie" is that I understand both mothers to a degree with the pain they feel and as I said before I accept that 100% but what I do not accept that his mother blames me and just keeps enabling him-and bailing him out.
When you can accept this, it's possible some peace will come. It is what IS.

I drove myself crazy, not being able to accept what "is."

I know what it's like to have these bad days. ((()))
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:42 AM
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Rella,
Maybe I'm not reading your posts correctly, and I may be totally out of line and wrong (and if so, I apologize in advance) but please try not to be so hard on your mom. My daughter was married to an A who put her thru h*ll and back (she also has two kids with him) for three years. He'd come home every night and start some kind of drama. When she finally got an order of protection and got him out, he stole her car, robbed her house, stalk her, etc. She'd call me with this crisis or that crisis, I'd advise her, she'd "yes" me then do what she wanted to do, which most times was not what I would suggest (probably "tell") her to do because of she had her own reasons, which made no sense to me. And your mothers words "you're not following up on this, I'm out of it" were words I have used to many times, but you know what, as mothers we love our daughters and don't want to see them hurt. We try to fix and yes, we sometimes try to control, to make it all better, so that "we" don't also always have to deal with the drama in our daughter's life. Do you know that it's like to have a grown child get you involved in so many issues - just as you are going thru all of this, your mother loves you and she is affected by it also. I have told my daughter so many times, "If you don't listen to me, don't call me to pick up the peices for you" which then she doesn't listen and yes, then comes the phone call to pick up the peices "ma, what should I do?" in crisis mode. It does get very stressful and tiring to a mother, so please know that she does love you, that she's just trying to fix things (which she really shouldn't, she should let you fix them) and if you really don't want her to tell you what to do or control you, try not to tell her so much and depend on her so much. I never went to my mother with problems. I would just figure things out on my own.

As for your A's mother - I personally would not bail out my son. My son actually had a DUI when he was just 20, spent the night in jail (I didn't bail him out), lost his license for a year, his car was seized, and HE had to pay for his attorney, alcohol counseling classes, etc. all on his own. Not to mention, his insurance was sky high for three years afterward. He still says till this day (and he's 28 now) that that was the most expensive trip to the bar he ever took. That mother is in total denial!

Hope you have a better day and more to come.
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Old 05-01-2007, 11:27 AM
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Clarification

Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
When you can accept this, it's possible some peace will come. It is what IS.

I drove myself crazy, not being able to accept what "is."

I know what it's like to have these bad days. ((()))

BINGO! Thank you Denny! I will work on acceptance a bit more-

Mallow-As i said before the feelings of both mothers are TOTALLY understandable-and in my recovery it does not matter what his mother feels-and that is the issue I'am just having for today (See Denny's post)

Elizabeth-The dectiective is speaking to me because it is her job-he was arrested for this one month ago and now twice last week. The last time he spent 5 days in jail and was bailed out yesterday by his mother. The dectective isdoing her job and a wonderful job at it!

Queen-I understand and value your feelings-as I stated above I totally agree with the fact they are both doing this because we are the children and they care and have been through the drama. This time I choice to keep my mother out of it and she was the one who was told about the situation and took it upon herself to scream at the detective which in my opinion was uncalled for. I totally can value the feelings from both woman and accept them! I do not again accept his mother bailing him out as she did which I need to work on as Denny stated perfect I can accept that peace will come....you even stated you left yours in!

Thank you again for all the responses! It helps...((((Hugs))))

And I just spoke with the detective again this is his 3 rd DUI (he hid one from me IMAGINE THAT! Ha Ha) and I wanted to tell everyone if no one knows-my state has it do not know if others do but she told me the state will install an ADT panic type button in your home-which will go directly to the police-they do this at NO CHARGE! Ask about this if you do not know about it! I think that is wonderful news finally today!
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Old 05-01-2007, 02:45 PM
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If you are not a Mother there is no way you can understand-no matter how much sufferring you may have seen or had in life. A child (grown or not) is the one thing you would give your life for-seriously!
Who cares what the Mothers say? They do what they do out of love--it shouldn't affect your recovery in any way.
Please be safe and call police if needed...it is a scary way to live--keep having him arrested if he keeps violating the courts orders. If he keeps it up--he will land in jail.
Good you have that panic button--they work great

Personally I let my son stay overnight in jail and then a few days---that is a lot different than a 2 year term-that I would have trouble with.
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Old 05-02-2007, 05:17 AM
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Sun-Unfortunate I'am not a mother yet but was almost! I lost a child..so maybe I should correct myself-I do not know totally what a mother feels but as I said I UNDERSTAND! I koow what it is too feel so much pain from a loss of a husband, a child...as both I have dealt with the loss of loving and losing-loving something so much before it was even placed on earth.(my child)

My mother and I have a wonderful realtionship now-I did alot of work on that subject of my life to learn to accept she did the best that she could raising us with the hand she was dealt. I have tried to keep her OUT of this drama with the XAB, as she has been dealing with my A Brother for the past 3 years pretty bad! My sister filled her in about the current situation. I understand how she feels to love her daughter/s and son/s and want to be there for them and not being a mother I can understand her feelings but maybe not to the capacity of actually being a mother-but I do respect and love her for her concern!

This issue with the XAB now....I have called the cops each time and he has been put in jail- 3 times now and this last one was for 5 days only because there was no bail hearing until Monday-and his mother ran right over to get him, as she did the other times. Now you said and others that they "would leave him there" being a mother-this was my issue I was having-and still do not understand as this being said by alot in here:

Why would she bail him out after 3 times? I can see the first or second mabye- but now?

And I know it is not my business, my son, my feelings...it is my worry and safety for myself that bothers me about this. That was all

I did not mean to come across as bashing anyone that is a mother by any means if that is how it sounded I apologize. I'am a work in progress with alot of baby steps to go ....

Also to clarify what my mom did-was a step back for me in the 10 minutes it took-for me to realize and accept her behavior will not change but I can change how I react to it-She said to me that "I'm not following through" which is not true-so at first (codie kicking in) I was hurt, angry, upset-and then I changed how to swallow it before I reacted to her about it-I was very nice to hear and said Mom I took care of it and things are fine-and she was ok with that. Still babbled a bit but ok!
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Old 05-02-2007, 05:43 AM
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If she is deteremined, she will bail him out 50 times. A mothers instinct is to save her child who is in trouble. I may dive in to save my drowning son two times, I would dive in a third if he was sinking, a fourth and a fifth.
A spouse is a chosen relationship. A child is a gift from God. No mattere who they are or how they turn out, a mother always feels a tremendous responsibility toward how they turned out. The bond between a mother and child is an impossible relationship to explain. On this earth there is one relationship that is unconditional ususally and that is the love between a mother and her child.
I am a mother and What I do in that role is no one elses business.
This comment has nothing to do with you.
As a mother, frankly, I don't need anyone to tell me my boundaries with my child.
I might hate bailing him out, it may break my heart and I would pray on what to do, but odds are, I'd go bail him out. That's what mothers do.
When things ar so screwed up, we can't keep someone elses inventory. It really doesn't matter what she does or why.
You seem frustrated that she went and bailed him out for the third time.
In her mind she may be thinking, this is the thrid time he's been in trouble and you didn't bail him out, yet you are still on the scene too. Everyone is still in theri roles doing what they do.
His mother isn't in recovery. She thinks she's helping. When there is recurring trouble, people tend to blame the common denominators.
Let me preface this by saying that I don't agree with it, but....it seems that what both his mother and your mother are saying to you is, either stop complaining about their reactions or walk away. They don't know what to do but they don't want to be held anymore accountable than anyone else. They are both trying to do the right thing, even if it's wrong.
What if him and his mother were not a part of your life? If you step away from both of them and move on, would your life be less conflicted?
You say you have called the cops three times and she has bailed him out three times. I see a pattern here.
I don't mean to be harsh but this train needs to change tracks.
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Old 05-02-2007, 05:47 AM
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rella I just wish the old days were back with arse clowns like him, but then again that is my alcoholic side speaking, he would remember a real good butt kicking for quite awhile, but eventually his liquid courage would kick back in. I need to work on my part of my program about letting others be them selfs. I wish I could help with him, but you are doing what you can do.

Oh yea BTW I have told all my kids that I will not bail them out for a DUI! And I do mean that.
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:10 AM
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Mallow-maybe I have not been clear-I have walked away! I kicked him out of my home and had NO CONTACT with him for over 3 months! He is drinking again and when he drinks he does whatever he does (HIS PATTERN) and that is usaully finding me-however or for whatever reasons going on in his head! NOT MY PROBLEM unless it is going to create me to be in fear of him! Hence I called the cops! He was in his car outside a store when I came out! I called the cops! He was drunk! IMAGINE THAT! His problem, his issues, not mine! I have let go and doing what is right for me!

It has been a long journey but 3 months ago I woke up for good! I'm working on me and my reactions etc....it is a new start for me and I realize that his mothers actions and feelings are not my problem! I just had a struggle with it the other day was all! Thank you for your advice, comments everyone!

Taz-Thank you for your comments they always are refreshing to hear from the other side-I know alot of people who have wanted to give him a good "butt kicking" but then they would only be in trouble themselves (nice thought though) and I'am just stating she has bailed him out 4 times for DUI and 3 times for harrasing charges-(Yes I have been battling with the liquid courage only because it creates having to look over my shoulder a bit more until the cops come!)

La La La La ................................*stepping* and Letting go and Letting God
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Old 05-02-2007, 09:27 AM
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I know plenty of mothers who treat their kids like crap. Debating the mother issue (since that's where this thread went) clouds the real issue. It's like the alcoholic coming up with the "butcher's out of chicken" excuse and the ensuing discussion being about why can't the butcher run a better store, instead of the real point: the drinking.
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Old 05-02-2007, 09:43 AM
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In my experience, it didnt matter who was bailing him out or sending him money via Western Union or paying his rent or whatever.
Someone was enabling him.
He didnt care who it was.

Who cares what the Mothers say? They do what they do out of love
Yep, loving someone to death. That doesnt make enabling a good thing, bc its done out of love.


it shouldn't affect your recovery in any way.
I like your theory Sun..but its hard sometimes!
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