MsGolightly

chero, it's your life, be as selfish as you want! it's about time!

socalgal

When I began setting boundaries and letting people know what I would and wouldn't tolerate and that I intended to begin taking care of myself they called me selfish, too. It never occured to them that my sole purpose in life,was not, in fact , to take care of them.

-K

He's getting scared...

I would caution you to be a little on guard. When dogs get scared, they lash out and bite. Things MAY escalate, (behaviors, etc.)I am not saying that this will happen,and I hope it doesn't, but it can at this point. I think it is good to know.

chero

I understand what you mean about lashing out. I've worried about that a little bit. Not so much when he is sober but drunk is a different story.

He just walked through the office and was sweet as syrup.
He asked if I was trying to make him love me more by pulling away. akjsdf;ljadsf;ls

I said, Nope. My life is about me, now, remember!

Sunflower

You Go Girl!!!!!!

SaTiT

Yeap...boundaries is must. Cuz you get tug, tug emotionally.

I basically don't get involve in my gf bussiness, no matter how much
she whines..mmm Thats what her sponsors and other recoverying alki
are for. For the first 90 days..whatever my gf say pretty much went
over my head or in and out the the other ear.
I bascially stop fighting...I get the urge sometimes, but I catch myself
faster and faster everytime.

I just focus on my program and myself.

I do care, but if I fall the trap again...it's pain for me to get out of it.

The key is that I work my program..I was going to move forward
with or without her.
Wheather she works her program, get a sponsor, go to meetings,
straighten out her mess....that's her problems...I'm not fixing her anymore.

FormerDoormat

'Why can't I just go if I want to go?"

Because you don't really want to...yet. When you're ready, nothing will stop you from moving on.

newenglandgirl

Chero, I can relate so much to what you're going through...I like to call it "the awakening"

When I started to "wake up" I couldn't believe that I had been so blind for so long. I had no idea what I was dealing with...but once I started to realize how sick he was (and what alcoholism is all about), there was no going back to the same old same old.

hugs,
neg

ICU

Just wanted to offer you another way to look at this.....

To paraphrase something Dr. Phil has said on numerous shows....."by hoping he'll leave first, why are you letting him determine the outcome of your life?"

I think he later went on to say something about taking responsibiilty and the control back for your own life. (Which it sounds to me like you are already beginning to do Chero, I just thought this might reinforce it for you a little bit more). If you want to leave, then you do the leaving...don't leave that decision up to him. By leaving the decision up to him, it helps to keep you in the 'victim' role. (But of course, I'm also a firm believer in that none of us do anything until we 'are ready' to).

I know when I heard Dr. Phil say those things, I had already been out of my relationship with my ex, but it certainly gave me food for thought for other non-romantic relationships as well.

chero

Thanks, ICU. That was right on.

Last night didn't end too well. AH is really rebelling against me even being on the computer. I haven't told him about this forum because I know it'll freak him out and he doesn't think he has a problem.

I tried to explain to him that I was just going to be taking care of me for awhile and he can't understand it. He doesn't like the new me.

I told him I've been someone else for so long he doesn't even know me...I don't even know the real me....would the real me please stand up and run like heck from the room!?!?!?

newenglandgirl

chero - I remember when I started to "change" too...and of course A's do not like this! They've had us fooled for so long, and they are incredibly perceptive to changes in the environment that may affect their drinking routines, so when they sense that their PCP (primary care provider) is backing off, it sends them unsettling "vibes". I don't think that they care about us (they are too sick), but they do care deeply (obsessively) about the way they've set everything up so that they can keep drinking. When we start to change, they sense this "order" is threatened and it is quite upsetting to them.

This is when my AH started to become even more abusive and irrational: accusing ME of being a drug addict (whatever), having affairs (yeah, right), etc. etc. He began to deflect in hopes that I would buy his b.s. and believe that all our problems were coming from me and not from him. I believed this pile of crapola for about a N.Y. minute.

Zoey

chero, you are doing great. stay strong.

Sad that this is the only disease where we very much need to treat them as bad and as cold as possible, but that is the only Rx that works. bad and cold not the right words, but you know what I mean,
They used to have, maybe still do have a program called "Tough Love" started for parents with childern in trouble with drugs, alcohol etc.
Parents had trouble with that, but found it the a last resort. Seemed so cold, hard, uncaring and unloving.

HUGS