off the wagon
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
He wanted you to get HIS money order for HIS screw up!
Tell him you know a recovered alcoholic that said if he was there he would kick him dead square in the arse and tell him to grow up and get his own money order to pay for his own problem!
Tell him you know a recovered alcoholic that said if he was there he would kick him dead square in the arse and tell him to grow up and get his own money order to pay for his own problem!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by SaTiT 
They sell money orders at the stores too beside beer
Originally Posted by Tazman53
Tell him you know a recovered alcoholic that said if he was there he would kick him dead square in the arse and tell him to grow up and get his own money order to pay for his own problem!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
taz and satit.......i can't tell you how very much your words are needed here on this forum....course this is just my opinion..lol
i learned more from recovering alcoholics during my rough years with my xh than from anywhere else.
the first time a recovering alcoholic had a sit down with me, while i was bawling my eyes out, i was totally shocked at the hardass things he was saying about my beloved husband.....i reported the cold hearted to someone i thought was "important", and they sat me down, and told me the same thing....roflmao!!!!
we need to hear your words. it's the next best thing to really knowing what is really going on in our alcoholics minds.
thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you\
jeri
i learned more from recovering alcoholics during my rough years with my xh than from anywhere else.
the first time a recovering alcoholic had a sit down with me, while i was bawling my eyes out, i was totally shocked at the hardass things he was saying about my beloved husband.....i reported the cold hearted to someone i thought was "important", and they sat me down, and told me the same thing....roflmao!!!!
we need to hear your words. it's the next best thing to really knowing what is really going on in our alcoholics minds.
thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you\
jeri
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Ditto. I can just repeat what everyone else has already said. Well you were waiting (and counting) until he would drink again.....did you have a plan for when that happened? Maybe you forgot your plan in the midst of all the turmoil....you should keep looking after yourself....whether he drinks or not, should not be a reflection of you...you didn't cause it.....
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Off the Wagon
Found this answer to that phrase: Fell off the wagon.
It came from the prohibition times when mainly women would go from town to town on a wagon and preach against drinking. If they could get a drunk whom everyone knew was a drunk to ride around with them and get him sober, it seemed to help their cause. That's where the wagon comes in.
It came from the prohibition times when mainly women would go from town to town on a wagon and preach against drinking. If they could get a drunk whom everyone knew was a drunk to ride around with them and get him sober, it seemed to help their cause. That's where the wagon comes in.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by HolyQow
Found this answer to that phrase: Fell off the wagon.
It came from the prohibition times when mainly women would go from town to town on a wagon and preach against drinking. If they could get a drunk whom everyone knew was a drunk to ride around with them and get him sober, it seemed to help their cause. That's where the wagon comes in.
It came from the prohibition times when mainly women would go from town to town on a wagon and preach against drinking. If they could get a drunk whom everyone knew was a drunk to ride around with them and get him sober, it seemed to help their cause. That's where the wagon comes in.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Satit and I are but a small representation of AA.
I have sat in on a alanon meeting right after I had my suspicions about my son confirmed, great program, I found what I needed in how to deal with my son's alcoholism in AA, but of course I found my own sobriety there as well.
Would AA work for an Alanon? No not really, but I would highly reccommend that folks in Alanon sit in on open AA meetings every once in a while, just to see there is hope for recovery, but also to learn that what Alanon teachs in regards to detachment works not only for the alanon person, but to force the alcoholic to decide on thier own to sober up.
You would be hard pressed to find a single recovered alcoholic that stopped drinking because their spouse pointed out they had a problem, or thier spouse helped them by buying them books, or thier spouse bailed them out of jail.
I have sat in on a alanon meeting right after I had my suspicions about my son confirmed, great program, I found what I needed in how to deal with my son's alcoholism in AA, but of course I found my own sobriety there as well.
Would AA work for an Alanon? No not really, but I would highly reccommend that folks in Alanon sit in on open AA meetings every once in a while, just to see there is hope for recovery, but also to learn that what Alanon teachs in regards to detachment works not only for the alanon person, but to force the alcoholic to decide on thier own to sober up.
You would be hard pressed to find a single recovered alcoholic that stopped drinking because their spouse pointed out they had a problem, or thier spouse helped them by buying them books, or thier spouse bailed them out of jail.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MT P, SC
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by chero
You know what he told me, I guess it's time to go our own ways.
I said why do you say that.
He said if you stop caring then what's the point.
I said why do you say that.
He said if you stop caring then what's the point.
Famous last words of an AH! Your AH will not leave nor do they want you to leave, if that was the case they would have hired an attorney and served you by now. The fact is, he is just using this as another excuse and reason to drink, by making YOU feel guilty about the failure of the marriage---remember they will not take any responsibility for it as long as you stay and allow them to drink.
I am finally onto their game, whereby, I am the one taking the legal initiative to end our marriage since I know that my AH never will, regardless of how many times he has _threatened_ to over the years!
I HAVE TO leave for MY own sanity and self-preversation as I now know there will NEVER be peace, love, adoration or shared responsiblity as long as their mistress [bottle] remains in the marriage.
My AH is going through an emotional upheaval right now and is actually dumbfounded that I am leaving him, but cannot and will not admit he has an alcohol problem, so I have to get off this merry-go-round. AH is still trying to use his manipulation powers even today, three weeks after I said I am not going to the new assignment with you...he has been using his bag of tricks, a/k/a Mr. Hyde, whereby, he has been trying to pull me back in emotionally. This is the longest spurt of Mr. Hyde I have seen in a very long time, but I WILL NOT continue to play this sick game with him anymore!
For the first time in so long I have a sense of _relief_ and am slowly gaining back my self-worth, confidence and power by looking in the mirror and seeing that I AM a beautiful, intelligent, successful, sexy and dynamic woman! I will no longer allow a DRUNK to dictate, control and project how I feel because he is incapable of admitting or dealing with his sickness, lack of self-worth and image based on the contents of a bottle!
I am just so ready to have PEACE in my life ;o)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Everyone is different. When I told AH I was attending Al-Anon he filed for divorce. Push come to shove, I believe an addict will do ANYTHING, including leaving, to protect the addiction.
Bottom line: do what is best for you, no matter what that is. Take the addiction out of the equation.
Much love to you.
Bottom line: do what is best for you, no matter what that is. Take the addiction out of the equation.
Much love to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
I wouldn't take seriously what my AH says when he's drunk. They're so good at saying just the right words to hurt your, tick you off, make you doubt yourself, make you feel guilty, etc.. In other words, they just want our attention. They want you to keep the focus on them. They want to focus on you too, so they don't have to focus on their own problems.
Chero, you've been staying very strong. Be proud of yourself. And keep detaching. Detaching is actually fun sometimes, when you notice the A getting all confused about why they don't get us react anymore.
Chero, you've been staying very strong. Be proud of yourself. And keep detaching. Detaching is actually fun sometimes, when you notice the A getting all confused about why they don't get us react anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
Wow, Chero, I am sorry this happened. It sounds like classic alcoholic manipulation to me. He sounds angry that you won't be taking care of him any more, he now has to take care of himself. Threatening to leave is so classic. "you hurt me so I am going to leave." ugh. Classic victim, putting all of the blame for what he is doing back on you.
I see this so clearly, I remember thinking like your huband. The fact is it is pointless to reason with him or take anything he says too seriously. He's a drunk and he'll do, say, try anything to keep his situation going and keep his disease active. Been there, done that.
((()))
Hang in there, honey. You are a little stronger everyday and you are starsting to recognize this.
Love,
-K
I see this so clearly, I remember thinking like your huband. The fact is it is pointless to reason with him or take anything he says too seriously. He's a drunk and he'll do, say, try anything to keep his situation going and keep his disease active. Been there, done that.
((()))
Hang in there, honey. You are a little stronger everyday and you are starsting to recognize this.
Love,
-K
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by chero
Where did that stupid term come from anyway?!?
Well, it's official. I go out, he drank. He made a full 25 days.
You know what else is crazy. I don't react to him or the news of finding out, which he expected. I just told him that it's okay, I don't care. He has to do what he thinks is right for him, etc...
You know what he told me, I guess it's time to go our own ways.
I said why do you say that.
He said if you stop caring then what's the point.
Well, it's official. I go out, he drank. He made a full 25 days.
You know what else is crazy. I don't react to him or the news of finding out, which he expected. I just told him that it's okay, I don't care. He has to do what he thinks is right for him, etc...
You know what he told me, I guess it's time to go our own ways.
I said why do you say that.
He said if you stop caring then what's the point.
I guess he has a point on some level,but what jumped out at me was.....as usual; it's STILL all about the alcoholic....how everything gets twisted around (in their mind) that they are the poor victim.
You sound like you are doing good and keeping your focus on you instead of him.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Ill say it too..I heard that bit.
If my ex wanted to leave he would have. If it furthered his agenda, then he would have left. Everything he did was about his agenda. The comment about if you dont care..blah blah blah. Its manipulation..or it was in my house. It was aimed to get me thinking like a sick person. "oh If leave, he'll never get well, if I stay, this will be the last time, he lvoes me, so I should stay, I know he can do it..
One very real thing my ex told me when I asked why he did certain things that bothered me..and his answer...because it worked.
Hugs to you.
If my ex wanted to leave he would have. If it furthered his agenda, then he would have left. Everything he did was about his agenda. The comment about if you dont care..blah blah blah. Its manipulation..or it was in my house. It was aimed to get me thinking like a sick person. "oh If leave, he'll never get well, if I stay, this will be the last time, he lvoes me, so I should stay, I know he can do it..
One very real thing my ex told me when I asked why he did certain things that bothered me..and his answer...because it worked.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by WhatAboutME
"I just wish he'd leave first. What makes me feel that way?? Why can't I just go if I want to go..."
Maybe it IS easier if they leave......neither way is easy,though. Mine left me and it made me feel extra-bad that I was "dumped by an active alcoholic"....ugh. That can mess with your mind,too...if you let it! (It's easier now that I'm learning what I was dealing with.)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sprylynx
For the first time in so long I have a sense of _relief_ and am slowly gaining back my self-worth, confidence and power by looking in the mirror and seeing that I AM a beautiful, intelligent, successful, sexy and dynamic woman! I will no longer allow a DRUNK to dictate, control and project how I feel because he is incapable of admitting or dealing with his sickness, lack of self-worth and image based on the contents of a bottle!
I am just so ready to have PEACE in my life ;o)
I am just so ready to have PEACE in my life ;o)
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NOR CAL
Posts: 70
Chero
Sorry to hear, it must be hard, but stay strong.
In reading all these posts, I wonder, at what point in our relationships do we look at the quality of our marriage......you have to go out alone, he cannot take on his own responsibilities, forced to detatch in order to be happy....what kind of marriage is that?? 12 years is a long time....you deserve better. I think right now is a good opportunity to show him, separate for a while, maybe if he really saw you're not there to take care of him, he may change. If not, consider whether or not you want to spend your life like this. Look at the QUALITY of your marriage and think about your future. How many more years can you afford to waste??? Hang in there, I know it's hard! I wish you luck.
Sorry to hear, it must be hard, but stay strong.
In reading all these posts, I wonder, at what point in our relationships do we look at the quality of our marriage......you have to go out alone, he cannot take on his own responsibilities, forced to detatch in order to be happy....what kind of marriage is that?? 12 years is a long time....you deserve better. I think right now is a good opportunity to show him, separate for a while, maybe if he really saw you're not there to take care of him, he may change. If not, consider whether or not you want to spend your life like this. Look at the QUALITY of your marriage and think about your future. How many more years can you afford to waste??? Hang in there, I know it's hard! I wish you luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by chero
I just wish he'd leave first. What makes me feel that way?? Why can't I just go if I want to go....
i think that part's about guilt. you'd be leaving someone with a disease, someone you still have so much hope for. it might be easier to leave someone who you've just stopped loving, but it's hard when you see someone with so much potential - and you think they're SO CLOSE to "getting" it ... and if you leave, they might not.
but, like pick-a-name said, it's also pretty painful to be left by an active alcoholic ... i guess it stinks on both sides!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
You know, guys, until I came here and met all of you I didn't even know I had options. I thought this is my life. Period. And now all these doors are starting to crack open and I can't seem to get through me fast enough.
Elizabeth, you are right. If he had wanted to leave he would have. He isn't leaving. I'm shocked about that. I do think it would push him over the edge to know I was on here or thinking about attending f2f meetings.
He asked me if we could talk when I got home from work. He is worried about me and our relationship. He doesn't understand why I'm changing so much. I told him I'm tired of my life being about him and it wasn't going to be anymore. He needed to decide what he wants while I'm trying to do the same. We were both calm.
He said your parents will be devasted. I said they aren't my concern anymore. My only concern is me. Know what he said? It isn't like you to be so selfish.
Change is in the air......
Elizabeth, you are right. If he had wanted to leave he would have. He isn't leaving. I'm shocked about that. I do think it would push him over the edge to know I was on here or thinking about attending f2f meetings.
He asked me if we could talk when I got home from work. He is worried about me and our relationship. He doesn't understand why I'm changing so much. I told him I'm tired of my life being about him and it wasn't going to be anymore. He needed to decide what he wants while I'm trying to do the same. We were both calm.
He said your parents will be devasted. I said they aren't my concern anymore. My only concern is me. Know what he said? It isn't like you to be so selfish.
Change is in the air......
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