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Trust while dating someone in recovery

Old 04-25-2007, 01:05 AM
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Question Trust while dating someone in recovery

My girlfriend is an alcoholic, I am not. I have been trying lately to understand the disease as best I can for sake of our relationship and in hopes of dealing with my own parent's recovery from alcoholism.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and it seems apparent to me that she is no longer interested in our relationship.

Though she has not come out and said so, I can't help but wonder if she is seeing someone else on the side. My conversations with her our short in increasingly infrequent. She has recently expressed to me she wants a break to concentrate on her sobriety and her studies.

However, she has denied wanting to just end the relationship entirely, her preference is to discuss options when she returns home in two weeks.

We are both college students living on opposite sides of the state.

She has maintained sobriety for a year and a half and actively attends three AA's a week. Staying sober is the most important thing in her life.

I have found that she has often portrayed a "secret" lifestyle, when hanging with her friends at college and at home. However, when she is around me, she is someone else entirely. This causes me to worry more than anything, whether I really know her at all.

She expresses to me that this is the most normal relationship she has ever had and that I make her very happy.

I do believe the normal part, but I am increasingly curious if I am the only one who is making her happy.

Most likely this relationship is headed for the dump, but I remain optomistic for I care about her deeply.

Can anyone with experience in this subject help clear my head. Any feedback or advice would be great.

Thanks,

M
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Old 04-25-2007, 01:14 AM
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Originally Posted by mhubb19 View Post
However, when she is around me, she is someone else entirely.
Woah!!!! This is an enormous red flag, hon.

My ex was entirely different around me too. In fact, he was entirely different (although in something, depressingly similar) with every woman he met, and with his family. He was playing a part.

You ever heard the phrase "He's just not that into you"? Well, it works the other way around too. Sorry to say this, but it sounds like she might be trying to let you down gently.

You ever got any counselling to have a look at the effect of your parents' drinking on you?
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Old 04-25-2007, 01:31 AM
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She is probably telling you the truth when she admits to your making her happy and this relationship being the most normal one she has experienced. However, prior to this, I assume she was in an alcoholic fog. She is expressing her appreciation for what she had, but it does sound as if she is ready to move on.

Discussing options ... hmmm. This sounds like a red flag to me. Whose options? Her options? What about YOUR options? It sounds as if she has made up her mind to control what direction, if any, this relationship shalll go.

A relationship of just four months is not an investment in a lifetime together. I would suggest you look at the red flags waving in your face. Minnie is entirely correct ... someone who is entirely different with their partner versus family and friends is not a good sign.

So you have someone who wants to keep her options open (I read this to mean, she'll take up with you if she wishes to use you or nothing better is on her radar scope) and she is entirely different around you. Just a brief bit of personal experience: my AH was considered the world's "nicest guy" and "one of the good ones." Yes, he had a good many people thinking he was quite a catch ... until I "caught" him. I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused.

One of the good ones, my arse!
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Old 04-25-2007, 01:34 AM
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I have not Minnie but I was diagnosed with depression when I was in the Army a few years back which I was discharged for. But I never brought up my parents alcoholism because I wasn't really aware of it at the time.
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Old 04-25-2007, 01:36 AM
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That is an arse move indeed. I am sorry to hear that. Should I confront her about this?
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Old 04-25-2007, 09:01 AM
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I didn't see this post before responding to your other...

I'd agree with the above - it's a red flag. The hard part is that, as a somewhat long-distance relationship, you have no choice but to either take her word or go with your gut feeling.

As I said in your other post - if she says that she needs a break, then I feel like you have no choice but to give her space. Her sobriety SHOULD be the most important thing to her - and your sanity and mental well being should be the most important to you.

Trust me...I think I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through right now. It's tough...try Al-Anon. It could help you get some clarity on identifying what YOU need.
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Old 04-25-2007, 10:28 AM
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If you are not even at the same place, and school is up in two weeks (I assume that also means exams!) and then you will both be together...what's the rush? (esp. after only 4 mo. together). Wait and see then.

Who knows, YOU may be the one who has second-thoughts,not her.

Good luck!
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Old 04-25-2007, 10:49 AM
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My thoughts on this????? uh, ok.

My girlfriend is an alcoholic, I am not. I have been trying lately to understand the disease as best I can for sake of our relationship and in hopes of dealing with my own parent's recovery from alcoholism.
Alanon and open AA meetings gave me a really good Idea of this disease. I would suggest it even if you dont continue seeing her.

However, she has denied wanting to just end the relationship entirely, her preference is to discuss options when she returns home in two weeks.
Though she has not come out and said so, I can't help but wonder if she is seeing someone else on the side. My conversations with her our short in increasingly infrequent. She has recently expressed to me she wants a break to concentrate on her sobriety and her studies.
Im not an optimist lately in the relationship department, but ... regardless if her eyes and wandered... this just tells me that "She is just not that into you"... Its kinda nice to have someone to fall back on and stroke the ego though ... just incase when the feelers are put out the new one is not interested.

I have found that she has often portrayed a "secret" lifestyle, when hanging with her friends at college and at home. However, when she is around me, she is someone else entirely. This causes me to worry more than anything, whether I really know her at all.
Now that is huge.... nope... nada.... zip. As for me, I dont want to date or wasted my time thinking a romantic relationship with someone I dont know.

I would have to ask, what is the payoff for being in this relationship? What type of relationship do you want and is this it??
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Old 04-25-2007, 11:11 AM
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i would trust your gut.

take it from someone who questioned things for two years and only found out at the end that i had been cheated on for a good portion of our relationship (both emotionally and physically), and i was told all along how crazy i was.
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Old 04-25-2007, 12:37 PM
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The fact she is like a different person when with you I see a sa huge red flag.

I ended a 3 year relationship with someone who sort of forgot to tell me he had a daughter and two grandsons. All he was doing was playing a part the same as your girl-friend. So I say you can't trust her and go with your gut on this one.

Four months isn't the end of the world.

Earthworm
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