Very weird question about the pain of the relationship
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
For me, the pain was from several things.
a) feeling like I wasnt getting my needs met
b) Physical pain bc I was physically sick form worry or obsession or whatever
c)Pain from embarassment. I was embarassed of myself for staying, putting up with, and tolerating what I did
d) Hurt bc I felt I was settling. That relationship was not what I wanted, but I settled and kept getting 'disappointed' that I was not with the 'type' of man I wanted to be with an felt I deserved to be with.
e)Hurt over mean words and actions when he was a mean drunk
f) hurt bc I felt isolated and alone
g) Hurt bc I felt I wasnt worth anymore
Just my 10 cents
a) feeling like I wasnt getting my needs met
b) Physical pain bc I was physically sick form worry or obsession or whatever
c)Pain from embarassment. I was embarassed of myself for staying, putting up with, and tolerating what I did
d) Hurt bc I felt I was settling. That relationship was not what I wanted, but I settled and kept getting 'disappointed' that I was not with the 'type' of man I wanted to be with an felt I deserved to be with.
e)Hurt over mean words and actions when he was a mean drunk
f) hurt bc I felt isolated and alone
g) Hurt bc I felt I wasnt worth anymore
Just my 10 cents
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
texasgirl... what a great question to ask, and a better one to ponder...
as a recovering a substance abuser, that was in a relationship with another recovering substance abuser... heres what i came up for me looking back...
when the love of my life picked up, and to the road to death...
"FEAR!" ... fearfull of loosing something... fearfull of the shear powerless of the situation... it was deep rooted for me... childhood issues, the death of my three brothers... the sexual abuse from a drunkin cousin in my teens... fear of not geting what i want... my loves recovery and sobriety.... fear of hopes and dreams not going my way to say the least... fear of facing all of this with out something to numb all of the pain... ah, and this is one i truly believe... i was making the person, and the whole situation a kind of higher power... it consumed every moment of thought... it was powerful over me... as i worked my program to the hilt... i came to believe, and grew to realize a new maturity in the matter, and my life...
fear set the scene, and expectations caused my hurt...
TG,wish'n you the best, and hope that book gets finished someday...
all good wishes, and give only love... pattee
as a recovering a substance abuser, that was in a relationship with another recovering substance abuser... heres what i came up for me looking back...
when the love of my life picked up, and to the road to death...
"FEAR!" ... fearfull of loosing something... fearfull of the shear powerless of the situation... it was deep rooted for me... childhood issues, the death of my three brothers... the sexual abuse from a drunkin cousin in my teens... fear of not geting what i want... my loves recovery and sobriety.... fear of hopes and dreams not going my way to say the least... fear of facing all of this with out something to numb all of the pain... ah, and this is one i truly believe... i was making the person, and the whole situation a kind of higher power... it consumed every moment of thought... it was powerful over me... as i worked my program to the hilt... i came to believe, and grew to realize a new maturity in the matter, and my life...
fear set the scene, and expectations caused my hurt...
TG,wish'n you the best, and hope that book gets finished someday...
all good wishes, and give only love... pattee
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I guess my pain came from the fact that I chose to over-involve myself with such obviously crazy people and a sa consequence completely neglected myself. I began to feel that person and the relationship were the end of the world if I lost them..
Come to find out not true.
Earthworm
Come to find out not true.
Earthworm
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
There have been several kinds of pain....
At first, it was the pain of being lied to, being betrayed, being treated with no respect. The man I love and trust the most has become a monster. Why? Why? Why? I didn't understand. The pain was immense. It hurt like hell, day and night.
After I started to learn about the desease, there came the pain of trying to face the reality. I realized my life would never be the same again, because I married a man with an incurable desease.
Then I accepted the reality of the desease. And soon my AH decided to quit drinking (on his own). He's making progress but still slips. Now it's a different kind of pain. The pain of watching him slip. I see a man that now really wants to do good in life but can't (or haven't found the right path to recovery). I see how powerful the desease is and I see how much my AH suffers.
Also, there have been a few times I thought/imagined about leaving. The thought itself was soooo painful!! I don't know if one day I'll have to make that decision. I imagine that it'll be really hard .... but if necessary, I know I can make through it too.
Thanks for the thread TexasGirl! After writing out about my pain, I actually feel very grateful..... At least, those crazy, painful early days are already gone. I still feel pain sometimes but it's not the helpless kind of pain anymore. Thanks to SR and Al-anon i guess!
At first, it was the pain of being lied to, being betrayed, being treated with no respect. The man I love and trust the most has become a monster. Why? Why? Why? I didn't understand. The pain was immense. It hurt like hell, day and night.
After I started to learn about the desease, there came the pain of trying to face the reality. I realized my life would never be the same again, because I married a man with an incurable desease.
Then I accepted the reality of the desease. And soon my AH decided to quit drinking (on his own). He's making progress but still slips. Now it's a different kind of pain. The pain of watching him slip. I see a man that now really wants to do good in life but can't (or haven't found the right path to recovery). I see how powerful the desease is and I see how much my AH suffers.
Also, there have been a few times I thought/imagined about leaving. The thought itself was soooo painful!! I don't know if one day I'll have to make that decision. I imagine that it'll be really hard .... but if necessary, I know I can make through it too.
Thanks for the thread TexasGirl! After writing out about my pain, I actually feel very grateful..... At least, those crazy, painful early days are already gone. I still feel pain sometimes but it's not the helpless kind of pain anymore. Thanks to SR and Al-anon i guess!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
for me the pain was so intense and cutting to the core, because i was being mentally manipulated so badly, and not even aware of it.
i was kept off balance totally.....my mind became a mass of confusion from all the mixed signals varying from overwhelming, smothering love from my xh, to alienated, cold, cruel anger. and then throw in the sincerity that he could display for his actions.
what a bucket of mass confusion. so yes, i may be a codie, as are many of millions of people......that is why we have doctors, nurses, caretakers, people who go to the extreme to help truly needy people......it takes many kinds of people to keep our world going. we have the techies, we have the intellects, we have the scholars, we have the laborers, we have the inventors, we have the artists, we have the rebels, we have the docile....and they all are what they are for a reason and contribute to the socieities on the level of which they expertise.
i've quit beating myself up for being a codie.....it has brought me many good things, too. it was when i used the skills of the codie in a sick relationship, that things went askew.
so, the pain, for me, was a two part dance.......i usually think that most people are good. when i met my ex, he knew exactly how to present himself to me to turn on all my lights....thus the manipulations.
sometimes, there are just bottom feeders out there, waiting to take advantage.
most of the time, the traits of the codie can be put to very good use....because what we give is wanted and accepted, and appreciated.
it's when we hook in with the sick, that we are able to blossom into a freaky codie, just trying to understand the freakiness of the manipulations.
jmho.
in a nutshell......my deep hurt sprang from being so badly manipulated by a sick person. things were never as they seemed. i was always operating within a smoke screen. things were not true.
and i thank him. for i will be very cautious in the future and more aware.
i was kept off balance totally.....my mind became a mass of confusion from all the mixed signals varying from overwhelming, smothering love from my xh, to alienated, cold, cruel anger. and then throw in the sincerity that he could display for his actions.
what a bucket of mass confusion. so yes, i may be a codie, as are many of millions of people......that is why we have doctors, nurses, caretakers, people who go to the extreme to help truly needy people......it takes many kinds of people to keep our world going. we have the techies, we have the intellects, we have the scholars, we have the laborers, we have the inventors, we have the artists, we have the rebels, we have the docile....and they all are what they are for a reason and contribute to the socieities on the level of which they expertise.
i've quit beating myself up for being a codie.....it has brought me many good things, too. it was when i used the skills of the codie in a sick relationship, that things went askew.
so, the pain, for me, was a two part dance.......i usually think that most people are good. when i met my ex, he knew exactly how to present himself to me to turn on all my lights....thus the manipulations.
sometimes, there are just bottom feeders out there, waiting to take advantage.
most of the time, the traits of the codie can be put to very good use....because what we give is wanted and accepted, and appreciated.
it's when we hook in with the sick, that we are able to blossom into a freaky codie, just trying to understand the freakiness of the manipulations.
jmho.
in a nutshell......my deep hurt sprang from being so badly manipulated by a sick person. things were never as they seemed. i was always operating within a smoke screen. things were not true.
and i thank him. for i will be very cautious in the future and more aware.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
I, too was an addict with an addict for a partner. I "knew" in my heart that he would never join me in sobriety. We'd used together since I was 14 & he was 18. For somewhere close to 25 years. It, and the kids, were basically the only things that we had in common...
I went into recovery and was told that the only thing that I had to change was everything...
I knew for my kids sake that it was true...
I couldn't allow their dad to continue to have the dope in the house any longer or I'd risk them being taken away and put into "the system"...
although I followed the advice of the program, and made no major changes for the first year...
However, throughout the previous years our marriage had suffered from other ailments... lack of trust, infidelity on both sides, living too hard and too fast in a number of ways...
I never really intended to get divorced...but but meth led to the death of our marriage...
I remember thinking...why would he choose the drug over the kids and me...
Why wouldn't he want to give it up and live life clean.....?
I remember thinking that it would have been much easier to understand if there had actually been an actual death...
Not that I ever wished for it......but it would have brought the closure that the kids and I needed in a much more understandable way.
I finally found a good sponsor who made me write gratitude lists...
and to pray for him...not for him to go to heaven right now....but for him to have all the things that I wanted for myself....I don't know that those things have helped him...but they have helped me!
Why does it hurt so much...I don't know?
There are days that it still hurts...
I miss his family as much if not more than him...
I hate that he's missed the last 4 years of the kids life...but really that's his loss...
But I'd still rather be here where I am today...instead of in the middle of the way things were at the end...
I couldn't stand to watch him committing suicide every day while I was sober.
I went into recovery and was told that the only thing that I had to change was everything...
I knew for my kids sake that it was true...
I couldn't allow their dad to continue to have the dope in the house any longer or I'd risk them being taken away and put into "the system"...
although I followed the advice of the program, and made no major changes for the first year...
However, throughout the previous years our marriage had suffered from other ailments... lack of trust, infidelity on both sides, living too hard and too fast in a number of ways...
I never really intended to get divorced...but but meth led to the death of our marriage...
I remember thinking...why would he choose the drug over the kids and me...
Why wouldn't he want to give it up and live life clean.....?
I remember thinking that it would have been much easier to understand if there had actually been an actual death...
Not that I ever wished for it......but it would have brought the closure that the kids and I needed in a much more understandable way.
I finally found a good sponsor who made me write gratitude lists...
and to pray for him...not for him to go to heaven right now....but for him to have all the things that I wanted for myself....I don't know that those things have helped him...but they have helped me!
Why does it hurt so much...I don't know?
There are days that it still hurts...
I miss his family as much if not more than him...
I hate that he's missed the last 4 years of the kids life...but really that's his loss...
But I'd still rather be here where I am today...instead of in the middle of the way things were at the end...
I couldn't stand to watch him committing suicide every day while I was sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by InThisForMe 
very interesting! i've actually had to sit here for a few minutes thinking about myself and my situation.
i think i'm in lilac's boat. i've had other relationships dissolve, and believe me, i barely shed a tear. when my relationship ended with my A - i was on the verge of death. the pain was so unbearable (sometimes i still feel twinges of it) that i was really on the verge of suicide. i really, really thought the pain was killing me, and i didn't want to survive another day feeling that way anymore.
to me, it was the disappointment of it all. knowing that my ex could have "chosen" me over her relationship with a can of beer... knowing that she could have chosen my unwavering love for her over a newfound friendship she had made with another drunk. knowing that i was taken advantage of, that i was a means to an end... i showed her that she could have been more with her life, i showed her what she had to offer the world, i helped her believe in herself. and heck, a few years later, she saw that was possible and she didn't "need" me anymore. it's devastating to want someone so badly and not have them want you back... to have other priorities instead.
i gave up so much for that relationship. i gave up so much to "help" her because she told me it was what she wanted and i believed her. i worked and worked and worked and got nothing back, so when it came time to stop working, i thought there was something wrong with me. there must be a reason why she stopped loving me. there HAD to be!
the fact that she continues to destroy herself hurts me beyond belief. but at least now, i can distance myself. i've given her my piece - i told her what my boundary was, i told her i was here for support, and it's all i can do. i cry about that too... the loss of the life of someone so vibrant, so beautiful, so amazing, and the ghost who's replaced her. it's like mourning a death, it really is.
sorry for rambling
i think i'm in lilac's boat. i've had other relationships dissolve, and believe me, i barely shed a tear. when my relationship ended with my A - i was on the verge of death. the pain was so unbearable (sometimes i still feel twinges of it) that i was really on the verge of suicide. i really, really thought the pain was killing me, and i didn't want to survive another day feeling that way anymore.
to me, it was the disappointment of it all. knowing that my ex could have "chosen" me over her relationship with a can of beer... knowing that she could have chosen my unwavering love for her over a newfound friendship she had made with another drunk. knowing that i was taken advantage of, that i was a means to an end... i showed her that she could have been more with her life, i showed her what she had to offer the world, i helped her believe in herself. and heck, a few years later, she saw that was possible and she didn't "need" me anymore. it's devastating to want someone so badly and not have them want you back... to have other priorities instead.
i gave up so much for that relationship. i gave up so much to "help" her because she told me it was what she wanted and i believed her. i worked and worked and worked and got nothing back, so when it came time to stop working, i thought there was something wrong with me. there must be a reason why she stopped loving me. there HAD to be!
the fact that she continues to destroy herself hurts me beyond belief. but at least now, i can distance myself. i've given her my piece - i told her what my boundary was, i told her i was here for support, and it's all i can do. i cry about that too... the loss of the life of someone so vibrant, so beautiful, so amazing, and the ghost who's replaced her. it's like mourning a death, it really is.
sorry for rambling
Mine wasn't but it happened a few years later.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
hi steve - mine was always an alcoholic, although i'm not sure i realized that's what it was at the time (we knew each other for a few years before becoming more) and i just viewed her as someone who "drank a lot" ... until a few months into our dating and things escalated pretty badly...
she was sober for a year while we were together and has gone back to drinking since we broke up... and i credit her desire to drink for ending our relationship... she knew it would never be okay with me while we were together, so it was time to move onto someone else.
i can't even imagine what it must be like to have your wife become one a few years later. it must be devastating to watch... the loss of life, the loss of memories and happy days, are what makes me feel so much sorrow over them and the relationships we've been in. they're unable to fully appreciate what life is about, and to me, that's what's the saddest to deal with.
she was sober for a year while we were together and has gone back to drinking since we broke up... and i credit her desire to drink for ending our relationship... she knew it would never be okay with me while we were together, so it was time to move onto someone else.
i can't even imagine what it must be like to have your wife become one a few years later. it must be devastating to watch... the loss of life, the loss of memories and happy days, are what makes me feel so much sorrow over them and the relationships we've been in. they're unable to fully appreciate what life is about, and to me, that's what's the saddest to deal with.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
I think back to times when I have made mistakes (small ones big ones .. whatever they were) that have negatively impacted another person , someone I loved . Whenever I think of that time I get a physical sick feeling , hard to describe , but it makes me want to forget it immediately because I feel humiliation , embarrassment and regret .
I think when we try so hard to do what we think is 'right' for another person , our A's , and at times they may stop drinking for a few days or a week and we feel elated , but when they start again we feel so deflated . when this continues to go on , for years for some of us it becomes more of a quest , a challange if you will . we have to win this ! we have to save them ! and so help us we are going to !
Then they leave us .. before our job is done .. now we were beaten and I have that same humiliation , embarrassment and regret and have to walk away from something that I have not finished yet .
Its not easy to swallow when you have to face defeat and walk away . makes you feel like a failure and like you want to crawl out of your own skin .
jmho
I think when we try so hard to do what we think is 'right' for another person , our A's , and at times they may stop drinking for a few days or a week and we feel elated , but when they start again we feel so deflated . when this continues to go on , for years for some of us it becomes more of a quest , a challange if you will . we have to win this ! we have to save them ! and so help us we are going to !
Then they leave us .. before our job is done .. now we were beaten and I have that same humiliation , embarrassment and regret and have to walk away from something that I have not finished yet .
Its not easy to swallow when you have to face defeat and walk away . makes you feel like a failure and like you want to crawl out of your own skin .
jmho
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
my pain had a lot to do with fear--it still does. I know I can take care of myself--but I fear I will not be strong enoughto watch what the A is doing to themselves--and the end result if they never become sober.I do take some comfort and tend to get less'deflated' now on this ride--because I know it has NOTHING to do with me...I see it diferently now.
LGLG07---you have not been defeated and YOU are no failure--you are doing everything you can to help the A==they just can't stop...so sorry for your pain
LGLG07---you have not been defeated and YOU are no failure--you are doing everything you can to help the A==they just can't stop...so sorry for your pain
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i think tracee's onto something... it's just hard to know when to draw the line between helping and enabling, or being codependent. i wish there were some guidelines for us to follow, because i, too, am in a helping profession... so i think it is in my blood to want to help and to see the best in others.
the pain comes when you put forth everything you have to help someone, and it's still not enough. LG is right... you do feel like a failure, and like you're driving by, watching a car crash, and you're stuck - you can either get out of your car and jump into the flames and try to help someone, or you can stay where you are, watch with compassion, and eventually move onto the new scenery that awaits you.
either way, whatever is burning up in that car is sad, in my opinion.
the pain comes when you put forth everything you have to help someone, and it's still not enough. LG is right... you do feel like a failure, and like you're driving by, watching a car crash, and you're stuck - you can either get out of your car and jump into the flames and try to help someone, or you can stay where you are, watch with compassion, and eventually move onto the new scenery that awaits you.
either way, whatever is burning up in that car is sad, in my opinion.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Originally Posted by LGLG07
I think we are all responsible for our own happiness . I think that if we arent happy with ourselves than instead of looking deep into our souls to figure out what we dont like , we instead throw ourselves into another soul , one that we may feel is slightly below us , one that needs to be fixed or saved .
so we spend all of our time trying to fix this other person , thinking in the long run we have a right to fix a person that doesnt feel they are broken and didnt ask to be fixed and how it will make us feel so good about ourselves when we accomplish this task .
then they fight us tooth & nail and in the end maybe even reject us completely .. we are hurt all along the journey because we have failed and feel defeated and didnt even realize it wasnt just 'their' happiness we were fighting for but our self worth as well .
i think the fact that we lose ourselves in them hurts us the most and thats the pain we feel when we feel like death (been there) its not for them , its for us and we dont even know it .
so we spend all of our time trying to fix this other person , thinking in the long run we have a right to fix a person that doesnt feel they are broken and didnt ask to be fixed and how it will make us feel so good about ourselves when we accomplish this task .
then they fight us tooth & nail and in the end maybe even reject us completely .. we are hurt all along the journey because we have failed and feel defeated and didnt even realize it wasnt just 'their' happiness we were fighting for but our self worth as well .
i think the fact that we lose ourselves in them hurts us the most and thats the pain we feel when we feel like death (been there) its not for them , its for us and we dont even know it .
Because this is easy. It's alot easier to look at someone else's behavior instead of our own. The more time we are spending worrying about them, the less time we have to figure out our own problems.
Earlier, you asked if you thought it was the way we were, or if it would be different with a non-addicted person....I was married 17 years to a person who never drank. Not even a beer. While there are some traits similar, I don't think the codependent part in me was the same. I viewed non-drinker husband more as an equal, capable of taking care of himself, didn't need being fussed over or fixing everything for him. I believe it was much easier to maintain my "control" issues ... I always felt like I had the upper hand. (probably not of importance, but I found marriage to non-a to be extremely boring! lol) With AH, I believe it's always a power struggle, and when he drinks, he thinks he has more power. (which probably = excitement/drama)
I think once I have detached from AH, I don't feel his pain as my own now. I am not sure if it's because I just don't care now, or because I can truly separate his actions/words of a drunk from those of the non-drunk. I don't feel the need to make his problems mine.
JMO's (what was the question? LOL)
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
I think co-dependency is progressive like alcoholism is . We start in what we think will be an equal partnership , just like the alcoholic starts with just a few drinks . Before we know it our relationships are spiraling and to the alcoholics , what they thought was a few drinks is now a real issue , and to the codie , what they thought was just doing what was best for the relationship (trying to get it back on track) is now a real issue . In no time at all both of the individuals in the relationship have a progressive disease but the codie spends all their time worrying about the As drinking they dont see what they are doing and the A worrys so much about the codies nagging that they blame their drinking on that and keep doing it .
So glad Ive gotten off that ride . Once I got out of the box it was so much easier to see all the mistakes that I'VE made !
So glad Ive gotten off that ride . Once I got out of the box it was so much easier to see all the mistakes that I'VE made !
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Awesome thread. I think it is the "death of the dream." You have so much hope, passion, etc. for making it work. It's like running a race, or going for a goal, and not getting what you wanted. I am slowly coming out of the fog, feel a bit foolish, used, etc. I think it is mixed with pride, ego, how we feel about ourselves, and caring about the other person.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
We can all relate to the pain, but the reasons for it are so personal. A group answer is not the right one for me. I can tell you why it hurt, but only for myself.
Looking forward to reading your book
Looking forward to reading your book
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
hi steve - mine was always an alcoholic, it must be devastating to watch... the loss of life, the loss of memories and happy days, are what makes me feel so much sorrow over them and the relationships we've been in. they're unable to fully appreciate what life is about, and to me, that's what's the saddest to deal with.
Not much more I can add to your words except how i got emotionally and physically sick including a big weight loss. Thank God thats better. The other component that makes it worse is her new life of drinking has displaced the desire to raise a young child.
Take care
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 31
pain even when in relationship with those well into recovery?
I wonder if the same (pain in a relationship) is true with a recovering alcoholic?
I was dating someone for 1.5 years who has not had a drink in 15 years and is still active in AA. He stopped drinking at 25 and is now 40. He was never able to commit to a relationship and I felt pretty manipulated. I never allowed this to happen to me with other men - he just had a way of doing it. It's been a few weeks since he last broke it off because he met someone.
I guess normal guys do this sort of things as well.
Just wondering if you believe that the "pain" holds for those in a relationship with those well into recovery? The beginning of this thread sounded very familiar to me even though I was with someone has not had a drink ni 15 years.
He had the nerve to ask me to meet up with him after he told me he met somone because the new person he found was away for the weekend. I said a confident no : ) But still felt horrible because he didn't care about my feelings, in the least. by asking me that question after breaking up with me.
I may need to stay away from those well into recovery in the future . . .
I was dating someone for 1.5 years who has not had a drink in 15 years and is still active in AA. He stopped drinking at 25 and is now 40. He was never able to commit to a relationship and I felt pretty manipulated. I never allowed this to happen to me with other men - he just had a way of doing it. It's been a few weeks since he last broke it off because he met someone.
I guess normal guys do this sort of things as well.
Just wondering if you believe that the "pain" holds for those in a relationship with those well into recovery? The beginning of this thread sounded very familiar to me even though I was with someone has not had a drink ni 15 years.
He had the nerve to ask me to meet up with him after he told me he met somone because the new person he found was away for the weekend. I said a confident no : ) But still felt horrible because he didn't care about my feelings, in the least. by asking me that question after breaking up with me.
I may need to stay away from those well into recovery in the future . . .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
this is a great thread. i love everyone's responses and can relate to some degree to all of them.
this comes from the Al-anon literature, "Paths to Recovery":
"Alcoholism is a family disease. This means '...the alcoholism of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? It happens because, unlike diabetes, alcoholoism not only exists inside the body of the alcoholic but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of alcoholism are in the behavior of the alcoholic. the people who are involved with the alcoholic react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves...'" (page 8)
"To find peace and serenity in our lives we have to change -- a challenging and perhaps fearful thought. When we are focused on another person's alcoholism and behavior, many of us develop the habit of putting that person's needs first. We may suffer from low self-esteem and not believe that we deserve to take time for ourselves. Whether we judge ourseles as good or bad doesn't matter; we are always defeated by alcoholism. In Al-anon we find help." (page 9)
I love those passages. They helped me a lot.
One tool that has made a HUGE difference for me is: detachment with love. I know it's a tricky one -- what the hell does it even mean -- but as I worked through that question for myself, I began to develop many tools that helped me see things weren't my fault. By not taking that responsibility, a lot of the anguish lifted. Of course, thinking it's my fault supports a fantasy of control, even though it's painful. But just for today I'd like to live in reality and give up that false sense.
The other huge issue is shifting the source of my stability from ANYTHING and onto where it rightfully belongs: my higher power. My HP is the source of everything real and when I'm looking to a person, job, situation, outcome for my happiness or stability, I'm screwed. When I can keep the focus on my HP, things seem to go better for me. Others don't hurt me so much.
Another big one for me: no matter how much "work" i do in the 12 steps, or how humble i am, or how much i turn over to my HP, I AM HUMAN AND DO NOT GET TO ESCAPE THE PAIN OF THAT FACT. I get pretty upset about this sometimes. I worked that step! WTF! How can I be upset at a crazy A when I know the three Cs, I know they're crazy, etc. etc.
Well: just because I am affected by this disease. Working a program in Al-anon does not erase that fact. It just gives me an opportunity for sanity and serenity if I can choose that.
That's my ESH on it so far today! I love this thread. Thank you.
abc
this comes from the Al-anon literature, "Paths to Recovery":
"Alcoholism is a family disease. This means '...the alcoholism of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? It happens because, unlike diabetes, alcoholoism not only exists inside the body of the alcoholic but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of alcoholism are in the behavior of the alcoholic. the people who are involved with the alcoholic react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves...'" (page 8)
"To find peace and serenity in our lives we have to change -- a challenging and perhaps fearful thought. When we are focused on another person's alcoholism and behavior, many of us develop the habit of putting that person's needs first. We may suffer from low self-esteem and not believe that we deserve to take time for ourselves. Whether we judge ourseles as good or bad doesn't matter; we are always defeated by alcoholism. In Al-anon we find help." (page 9)
I love those passages. They helped me a lot.
One tool that has made a HUGE difference for me is: detachment with love. I know it's a tricky one -- what the hell does it even mean -- but as I worked through that question for myself, I began to develop many tools that helped me see things weren't my fault. By not taking that responsibility, a lot of the anguish lifted. Of course, thinking it's my fault supports a fantasy of control, even though it's painful. But just for today I'd like to live in reality and give up that false sense.
The other huge issue is shifting the source of my stability from ANYTHING and onto where it rightfully belongs: my higher power. My HP is the source of everything real and when I'm looking to a person, job, situation, outcome for my happiness or stability, I'm screwed. When I can keep the focus on my HP, things seem to go better for me. Others don't hurt me so much.
Another big one for me: no matter how much "work" i do in the 12 steps, or how humble i am, or how much i turn over to my HP, I AM HUMAN AND DO NOT GET TO ESCAPE THE PAIN OF THAT FACT. I get pretty upset about this sometimes. I worked that step! WTF! How can I be upset at a crazy A when I know the three Cs, I know they're crazy, etc. etc.
Well: just because I am affected by this disease. Working a program in Al-anon does not erase that fact. It just gives me an opportunity for sanity and serenity if I can choose that.
That's my ESH on it so far today! I love this thread. Thank you.
abc
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