Sunflower

I am glad you are opening up and feeling relieved by it----in the children department I hear you.I did have one child--he is now 27 and a A in recovery...Right when I was ready to escape from my phusically abusive husband at the age of 21(I am 49 now)I found out I was pregnant-a few weeks--this was not from any consensual activity---but from my husband raping me-beat me up bad-kicked punched strangled--and then to humiliate me urinated on me while I lay ofn the floor bleeding..all the while telling me what a ***** I was.
I don't want to star a controversial thread with this(pm me if you need to)Right after that I had my tubes tied so I could never have any more babies or ever have to make that choice again--so at a young age I myself took away my ability to have children....just like you in a different way I prevented myself from obtaining these wishes because I didn't want to bring a child into this life......my choice--I have always regretted that I could not ever have another child and never remarried because .of it....
You and I made choices that were a matter of survival for us--can't take them back///I to wish I could go back in time--I maybe would have been stronger-wiser...this disease--I hate it--it ruins us in so many way...personally I am still trying to deal with--especially now as I get closer to 50.....you made a choice you thought was right-and maybe it was---I am praying for you...as I myself am going through a very difficult time....how do we turn this around and learn to let go of it???

ICU

OK, I'm back to my regularly scheduled brain now, LOL!

I've found that as I progress in my recovery, I obviously begin to know myself better. It becomes easier to recognize when something is brewing in my mind that will need my attention shortly. I recognized these signs a few days prior that something big was coming into my consciousness that I had to accept! And speaking of accepting.....

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change,
The courage to change the days to come,
And the wisdom to start today".

Thanks (((Mike)))! That's going on my refrigerator as a daily reminder. And thanks for the rest of your inspirational post as well. You're my hero!

I've also noticed that during my recovery, some of the layers of the 'onion' that I've peeled back made me cry, and some didn't. Then there were other layers of that 'onion' that made me cry huge buckets of tears and would rock my whole foundation. That was what I was going through yesterday.

Looking back, I did make the right decision about not having kids. It was probably the most loving thing I could have done for them by NOT bringing them into 'my' world. My recovery only began a couple of years ago, and as such, I would not have been a healthy parent. I 'would have' damaged them emotionally, out of ignorance. That's a debt that I will never owe. And, there's my silver lining.

I'm still sad, wishing that my recovery could have come sooner, because I feel that 'now' I could be a great parent. So.......I'll just dote on my four furbabies, the kids I meet at the grocery store, etc.

It's difficult for me to find the right words to express how grateful I am to all of you. You've helped me so much yesterday and each of you added something that touched me, and it made a difference. Thank you!!

Well, like Scarlett says, "tomorrow is another day", and since today is yesterday's tomorrow, I guess I better get on with it.

denny57

(((ICU))) Switch in my mom for your dad and we've got very similar stories. Neither my sister nor I chose to have children. My brother and his wife have 3 and the screaming that goes on in that house (which they all seem to think is normal) puts my stomach in a knot. My one nephew is a nervous wreck and it breaks my heart.

Have you ever thought about being a Big Sister or a mentor?

ICU

I've thought about it quite often as a matter of fact. Now might be a good time to pursue it.

And yes, sad to say, our situations do sound very much alike.