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another bump in the road....

Old 03-22-2007, 06:24 PM
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another bump in the road....

I've been off and on SR for almost six months now. I accidently stubbled across it when I was looking for answers on how to deal with my ABF recovery. We weren't dating that long before he was 'interventioned' right into rehab. Of course, I was going to play the supportive GF, but he had other plans and ended up meeting someone at AA. Devastated as I was then, I knew that it was probably just for the best. I also knew that his head was still in a fog and that he basically didn't know which end was up. I tried not to take it so personally as hard as that was.

Unfortunately, one of my biggest faults is that I have an extremely hard time letting go. I know that! With that said, I remained friends with him and called every so often to catch up and see how he was doing. Very, very casual. I've tried to use this as a learning experience and hopefully be able to recognize the warning signs in future relationships.

I've continued to date since then and have met some nice guys. All in all nothing too serious given the past year has been so dramatic, plus I guess I still need time to move past this situation.

Anyway, after 2 months of no contact, out of the blue I get a long distance phone call from him. He called from yet another rehab. It turned out that he relapsed for a few weeks and this time put himself in a 90-day rehab versus a 28-day program the previous time. Well at least he is very fortunate that he can afford such a program and still has a great job to come back to.

The issue that I have is that I haven't been able to think of anything else since that phone call 2 weeks ago. I don't understand why I care so much, but I do. To me, rehab is a temporary repreave from reality where optimistic is at its fineness. And then they go home and can't handle it!!!

Thanks for listening!! JO
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Old 03-22-2007, 07:08 PM
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Nothing to say to help you get through it....but it sounds like you know what's what. I hear too many stories about rehab not working, so your "temporary reprieve from reality" sounds about right. Then there are a few that make it, so I suppose that gives us all hope.

I have a question about rehab....so 28 days then 90 days.... what about people's job's while they are there? Does this fall into the family leave act or disability somehow so that they can still get paid or at least have their job when they get out? Is it included in the medical plan? I would like nothing better than my AH to go to rehab, but I wonder how we would survive if he did. As of now, he won't even see a counselor, and AA may as well be the devil himself...so probably not a chance that he will ever go to rehab, but we all know this disease isn't going to fix itself, so any info would be apreciated. Thx.
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Old 03-22-2007, 08:44 PM
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Ladies,

I'm Ed and I'm an alcoholic. I hope yo don't mind me being here. I read your two storied with much interest. It's as if you are both describing me. Well, I should say, what I used to be like. The sad truth is that unless your ABF and AH want more than anything else to live a different life, the chances are slim that they will change for the better.

While this may be very painful and disheartening, I believe that you need as much information and as many perspectives as you can get. I, like many other alcoholics, drank not because I loved alcohol, but rather for the effect it had on me. You see an alcoholic's real problem is not the alcohol itself. the real problem lies much deeper...in the mind and soul. Believe me, if water had been the way for me to escape the horrible feelings I had, I would have been a "waterholic." Alcohol is just s symptom of the disease. Just as a cough is to a bacteria or virus. Unless the real cause is treated, the symptom will not go away.

You could remove the alcohol from the alcoholic and you would still have one very pi**ed off person. what I had to do was be willing to search inside myself to find out what the causes and conditions were that kept me in so much pain that I turned to alcohol for temporary relief. That's all it is too, temporary. The problems that I think I'm drinking away tonight will still be there in the morning when I wake up.

If you like to learn more, I'd suggest going to an open AA meeting. There you will find people in all stages of recovery who describe what they used to be like, what happened, and what they are like today. If you'd like to deal with your own issues as to why you keep hanging on, etc. I would suggest you find an Alanon meeting in your area. These meetings are for the spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, or significant others. There you will find support and a group of people who will welcome you and let you know you're not alone.

I wish you well and pray that your ABF and AH find their way to sobriety.

Ed
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Old 03-23-2007, 03:51 AM
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Ed: Thanks for your insights and much needed suggestions! I've come to the conclusion that alcoholism is such a widely misunderstood disease. I so agree that unless they want to live different lives it really does matter how many rehabs and/or AA meetings one attends sobriety just won't happen. I'm hoping that he searches and finds the 'real cause' and that it is treated this time ;-)

You've made my day!! Not only because of your advise, but you give me (us) hope that sobriety isn't an impossible dream. Sure, it doesn't come easy, but its definitely obtainable!!!

And... HolyQow .... about your question. Most companies (at least the mid to large ones) have policies on rehab as part of their EAP programs. I've never heard of a company firing someone due to rehab. They normally grant leaves of absence and more times than not it is a paid leave. My ABF happens to be an officer with his company so I'm sure the rules are quite different for senior leaders versus us regular working folks, so I won't go by him. 120 days in rehab is rather excessive and most companies would find that hardcore to keep employees.

Also, check with your medical plan because I believe that most of them cover at least part of rehab. The 90 day program is extremely expensive -- something like $28K, which insurance only pays a mere fraction of.

Hope that helps! JO
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Old 03-23-2007, 07:07 AM
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You're so welcome. Hey Care, where to you live in New Jersey? I spent my formative years in Cranford. Moved to New Orleans to go to college, stayed there for 20 years, then moved here to TN. New Orleans was an alcoholic's dream come true!!!!

Did manage to get sober there in '86. It hasn't been bliss ever since, but I love talkin' with you guys because as much as other alcoholics need help, their families need even more. I could sure dish out the BS and make my family's life miserable. But I'm so glad I wasn't on the receiving end. That's why you guys have a special place in my heart today.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. I'm an open book regarding my drinking career. For that matter, I'm an open book regarding my life in sobriety.

Take care,
Ed
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