ICU

I am so grateful for the things I've learned about myself, relationships, life, etc. in the past 2 years of self discovery/recovery. I truly am.

But for the past couple of days I feel regret for all those lost years wasted being miserable without knowing why back then. Perhaps as I look at my elderly parents facing their own mortality, I am beginning to face the same within myself. My parents have their daughter, me, to look out for them and to help them in their old age. 'If' I get to be their age, I won't!

I feel like so much of my life, well, ALL of my life actually, could have / should have been lived so much better than it was. So many things are clear to me now that weren't before. Looking back, it 's so easy to see the 'why's and 'reasons' for choices that I made, based on the teachings of my childhood.

Oh how I wish I had learned all of these things in my early 20's! Perhaps then I would have the children today that I don't have, nor will I ever. Perhaps then I could have enjoyed healthier relationships, furthered my now non-existant career, been able to travel more, all with a more healthy and youthful/cooperative body, instead of the state of decline that I feel everyday now. Those physical aches and pains are non-stop these days. I just feel like the best of times are lost to my ignorant youth.

I know all the cliches...'trust the timing of your lessons'....'treasure life's lessons'....'you'll get it when you're ready', 'count your blessings'....etc., but for some reason, these things "I know" do little to comfort me now.

I guess I'm angry that I've learned my lessons so late in life. I want a 'do over'!!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

newenglandgirl

Not easy stuff to face (((ICU))). The older I get the more I see how life is just not fair.

And I try to remind myself that the "grass is always greener". The time I "wasted" with my AH may mean I never have a baby either. sigh. Of course now that I have left him, that is all he talks about. He knows how to push my buttons.

This is the life we were handed - our lot to deal with - our field to tend to...however we want to put it. And they say that "youth is wasted on the young". Love that one. So true, huh?

I get really sad sometimes that I may never be able to have a baby of my own...but I remind myself that there are lots of children out there who need a good home...and when I get my career in order, and a house of my own...I will look into adopting. It makes me feel better to know that this is an option. I have a lot of love to give. Perhaps this was the way it was meant to be. Or maybe I just wasn't meant to have kids. I dunno.

Sometimes, it just sucks facing the reality of what our lives become. And I know it's another cliche, but it's true that "it's never too late". I love all those movies out there that tell the story of beautiful transformations that take place when an older person's life intersects with a child's (Central Station is one that comes to mind...there's tons, but I'm blanking- anyone have any movies that inspire them?)

All I know is that the only way I can make sense out of life is to make lemonade out of the lemons that come my way.

I try to focus on what good things I have been blessed with...there are so many people so much worse off than me in this crazy world.

Cynay

I do know how you are feeling.... and your right it does suck sometimes.... but try looking at it this way.

This is what I try to see.....

I would not wish my childhood on anyone, it was not the way a child should grow up. I would also not want anyone to have to go through my first marriage.... now that was a humbling experience.... but I was blessed with my daughter. I have spend 20 years off and on in theraphy/recovery to get where I am today.... but you know what....

I think I make a difference, actually I know Im make a difference. One of my best friends is married to a raging Alcoholic... I have the ability to help her because I have been through what I have. I can hold a rape victim and she can "feel" that I understand the violation... because I "get" it. I can take the phones at the call center and when the wife calls in frantic and lost.... hitting her bottom.... she does not have to do it alone because I have done it too. When a wife sits in a court room crying and feeling like a failure.... she can talk to me and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.... etc.

There is so much that we have been given that is good from all this, Maybe we are choosen because one day we will have to be the strength for that one person that is giving up and ready to end it.... just maybe.

I do know how you feel, but sweetie please dont live in thoughs regrets... you have the ability to live a life now .... because you know... that many NEVER get to experience. I know people in there 80s that are still struggling and could use a little of what we have been given. I think it would be a bigger waste of my life to not have gone through this and spent my whole life with my head in the ground only to wake up at 80 and ask what happened.

Your important and your just who you are suppose to be.

MsGolightly

ICU, you still have plenty of time on this earth that will most definitely NOT be wasted! think of how much you've helped all of us when we've needed it... there are nights when i've been at the end of my rope and i come here and you have such kind, helpful words that make me see life may not be as hopeless as i think it is.

i'm one of us that is young, in my early 20's, but i'm not sure this is anything i'll understand or have come to terms with a decade from now, so it's not any easier for me just because i'm younger. at least you've already gone through the hard part... i'm not even sure i'm ready to do that yet! at least you know what it's like to live for YOU and i haven't experienced that yet. i'm stuck in a rut that i can't see out of on most days, but you've learned so much that i wish i could just take from you and soak into my brain!

you can most definitely adopt a child - there are so many who need loving, caring homes. you could even meet Mr Wonderful tomorrow... who knows what the day brings! stranger things have happened

keep your chin up! we need your positive outlook here... you have no idea how much you help!

hope2bhappy

"Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow..."

(Jane Eggleston)

denny57

Vent away, ICU!

Looking back I realize people older than me did try to teach me in my early 20s. I wasn't ready and, quite frankly, wasn't capable of learning some of it - because I had no experience. In the end, I do not regret any of it. When I was in my 20s and 30s I had a blind confidence in the world and in love. As I entered my 40s, and began to deal with the progression of the disease, I lost a lot of that. Now, as I'm leaving my 40's and entering my 50s I feel very much like I did in my 30s - full of hope.

My time here, in this life, is finite - that's a given. The greatest lesson the disease of alcoholism taught me is that I have been given a gift - a life to be lived. It doesn't matter if I choose to stay with an alcoholic, leave an alcoholic, quit my job, stay in my job, etc. What matters is that deep inside I feel I am living the best life I am capable of. It's a choice.

Seeking Wisdom

I can understand how you feel ... so many times over the last 30 years I kept wondering why our family had to endure the insanity and unhappiness of alcoholism.

However if it makes you feel any better, there is a study that just came out that indicated even though this generation has much more money than before, they are no happier ... and that people tend to be their unhappiest in their 30's and 40's .. but as they get a little older, their happiness increases again! I hope that is the case, as I am sure ready for a little more happiness and serenity in my life!

socalgal

I understand that feeling. I drank away most ofmy 20's. Lived what I "thought" was a decent life in my 30's and only now in my 40's am I really beginning to understand what is going on. I have grieved for all of the lost time...decades. I think, for me, really doing the grieving was important.
Now, I can go from feeling sadness to stupidity and remorse to, eventually, gratitude.

Thank God I have gotten as far as I have. Honestly, many times it was only by the Grace of God that I did. When I find myself grieving over the lost opportuniies, the wasted youth, the loss of time,etc. I try to shift my thinking. I am a firm believer in the idea that we are exactly where we are supposed to be on life's journey.

The truth is, there is no way my young mind could have begun to understand the "truths" it now must grapple with. I feel like I am finally becoming able to live, process, deal with pain without being overwhelmed, let things go, etc. After I stopped drinking, went back to school, had two babies, moved to a bigger house I thought I had my act together. Oh brother, I was just hanging on by my fingernails and I didn't even realize it. That is one of the hardest parts for me. The fact that I didn't even realize how messed up I still really was inside. I thought I was soooo self aware. Nope. That insight has been very humbling.

My therapist said it is time to stop just surviving and start living. I am happy to be here and be able to do that. I wouldn't want to relive my 20's or 30's for anything. My 40th birthday was the best birthday ever!

There is so much life to still look forward to! Isn't that wonderful. Some people never "wake up". You are one that did! I think that is a gift.

-K

Nuudawn

Thank you for this post ICU..and to all that responded. Funny how posts can appear that resonate our same pain. In the past 24 hours I have been truly struggling with the feeling that I don't much matter to anyone as a result of the choices I have made. I turned 40 this year and I have no children, relationship, house, career (at the moment). I drank my last 20 years away and I'm currently sitting in my own rubble. I know that I'm in that in-between place...that the sun will indeed shine again...that I will find some purpose and meaning somewhere...but right now...I'm just sortin' out some pain. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone in it.

elizabeth1979

I felt like I had wasted sooo much time and wished I had learned more earlier. In retrospect, I was a quick learner. People who watched me self destruct didnt see it as a quick leaning experience, but I am thankful I still have some of my 20's left (not a whole lot).

Its not about age, its about quality of life to me. I would take 1 more year of a quality fillled life than 50 more years of misery.

Sunflower

ICU---you are feeling some of the same things I am feeling right now--so much lost time--so many wrong choices---never reaching my full potential as a nurse because of my disability--never remarrying in 26 years--watching my mother get older---I can't say anything to help you because I am in that place myself--at least I know I am not alone---

denny57

amen, Elizabeth.

ICU

Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I sooo needed that. I have to read and re-read all your posts for it all to sink in. I just woke up from a nap a little while ago, and in my current state of mind, I'm not thinking too clearly.

I think this was all brought to a head today by a post I made on another thread about cutting someone out of your life. In my case, I referred to my brother.

When I was younger, I really wanted kids. And that's even after growing up as a child in my parent's home, which was not a warm, loving, or nuturing environment. But still, I wanted kids.

Then one day I saw my brother over-react with intense anger at my young nephew. My nephew was scared and was curled up in a ball as my brother went out of control with him. My brother's abusive behavior freaked me out so much I ran out of the house hysterical. It brought up a lot of painful memories when my Dad used to do the same thing with me. I remember walking around the block for awhile and I felt so guilty. I SHOULD HAVE helped my nephew! I SHOULD HAVE defended him, but didn't. I felt like I was no better than my mother sitting on the side-lines watching as my father treated me the same way. I hated my brother, and I hated myself.

It was then, in that moment, in my early 20s that I decided NOT to have kids. See, up until that point, I just figured it was my Dad who was a monster. But then I realized it wasn't just my Dad, but it was now my brother too. I figured it must be a defective gene or something, and if my Dad and brother had it, maybe I would too. I didn't want to be responsbile for messing up a kid's life! In hindsight, it WAS the right decision, for any future kids I might have had. I didn't know that without therapy, the cycle of abuse continues. I regret not knowing that. Although my decision was best for a child, it is not the best decision for me. I don't know how to word that without it sounding selfish. I guess maybe I realized the death of a dream; something that I wanted so badly. It's just recently begun to haunt me. Maybe because I'm healthier now.

Today my nephew is lost....his life his very much like what I've been going through for all these years....failed relationships, doesn't have a 'career', kind just surviving day to day. He's moved clear across the country.

Through ending my relationship with my brother, whether it be permanent or temporary, I've lost touch with my nephew. I don't know if reaching out to him would be more helpful or hurtful.

These are the thoughts that are haunting me today. I made the right decision at the time, but I regret not knowing then what I know now. And, it's too late to do anything about it.

Adoption of a young child is not something that would happen for me as my life at this point is too unstable. And, my plate is full with caring for my elderly folks.

I figure by now I could have had a child or two that would be in their late teens/ maybe early 20s. And I wonder what they would have been like and how they would have turned out.......

ICU

God it felt good to get that out!

socalgal

(((ICU)))

You never know. There may be children in your life in some capacity in the future. Maybe not your own, biologically or even adopted. But...I think the possibilities are endless. Your story isn't finished yet.

Love,
-K

queenteree

I married an abusive man (not even an A, did't even drink) at 18, who punched me in the stomach when I was 4 mos. pregnant with our first child and continuously harassed, threatened and hit me for six years of marriage with three kids in five years, living in motels, being evicted or on the run, then leaving him and hooking up with an abf (who then got sober for 14 years and became my AH) who then relapsed and I became an insane codie (I guess I always was) who then hit my bottom and got help (from therapy and SR, and reading lots of self-help and addiction books), and I don't regret not one day of it. To me, it was all a learning experience which I tried to make the best of. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and feel the reason I went thru that was to be to help battered women (or should I say spouses/signficant others) and families of alcoholics. I will do that someday, once I figure out a way (if anyone knows how, I'm open to suggestions). Please try not to dwell on "could have, should have, would have's" (easier said than done) and try to look toward the future and what happieness lies ahead. God knows you deserve it. Much love.
QT

Cynay

Dam ICU ...

That could have been my story....

I choose at a young age not to have children, I did not want to do to someone what was done to me... In fact that is one of the reasons I agreed to marry my first husband is because he promised no children.

But I relented and had my daughter.



I have no words for that.... I know though that if you had choosen to have a child you it would have been good for the child too... you would have been a great Mother... not perfect... but perfect for her/him. Your parents are lucky to have you with them.

un4gvn acts

Don't have any regrets about the past -
Look as it all as a learning experience & as long as you learned from the past it was all worth it!

Don't ya think?

I believe that there are no mistakes in life only lessons & lessons are repeated until they are learned.

Just my thoughts!

DesertEyes

Hey there ICU,

Have a big just cuz

I understand about wasted years. There's a part in the big book of AA that promises that as we work our recovery we will no longer regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. For me that has happened. There are _many_ things I might have done, if it had not been for my parents alcoholism, my own, the time it took me to recover from my childhood, and on and on and on.

So so many things I could have been.

I'm out of time too. I have a bad heart that is slowly geting worse, the docs really have no idea how long it will last. I happen to be an optimist so I've decided it won't be today. Tomorrow is my HP's problem.

The way I have recovered from the "what ifs" is to _use_ that regret over my past in a positive manner. What if I do _not_ die today? What if I wake up tomorrow and regret what I failed to acomplish today? What if I waste today worrying about yesterday and wind up with a tomorow that is _worse_ than today, because I will have lost yet another day?

I'm not going to _add_ to my list of regrets. I'm going to work on making _today_ as good as I can so that tomorow I will have _less_ regrets. So far it's working real good. I have a wonderful life here in my new town, with lots of new friends. I get to see the "light" sparkle in the eyes of newcomers all the time. I get to work with other people who have heart problems like me. I'm even making friends in other programs I know nothing about, like Overeaters Anonymous.

I recently started dating a young lady, and we're taking our time building a relationship. She knows that my heart is a ticking time bomb, and she wants me anyway. Maybe things will work out between us, maybe not, but that's the HP's problem too. I'm living my life _today_ the best way I can, and I'm not regretting a single minute of it. One of these days I'll get dragged into the ER again, and like last October, I'm going to be thanking the HP for all the wonderful days I was able to have, and not even thinking about the "what ifs".

God, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change,
The courage to change the days to come,
And the wisdom to start today.

Mike

Cynay

All I can say to Mike's post is .................Beautiful...............we should all live feeling/thinking like that.

Thanks once again for reminding me Mike.