MsGolightly

it was almost two full days without talking and i was doing so well... then i had to make the phone call, talked for a minute, ended up fighting, i said some rude things out of anger, and hung up. now she's the one not returning my calls and i'm the one that can't seem to let go of this arguement... i'm the one who's supposed to be with the power, so why do i always let her win?!

i need to be more mature!

i need to find something to occupy my fingers when they're reaching for the phone...

chero

Don't be so hard on yourself. Every experience is something to grow from. You went two days!! Next time it'll be longer. You are strong! You can do it! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER!

embraced2000

i had to go back for more torture, too.....about a million times....till i got sick and tired of it and learned that i, indeed, did have the choice to make my life a good life, or a miserable life pineing away for the love of my life, heart broken, bewildered, and absolutely miserable beyond pathetic.

you are not an idiot....you are just trying to work through the pain of it all.

hang in there

dollydo

One step backwards, two steps forward....left, right, left, right!

Recovery from co-dependency sucks...it will get better

MsGolightly

it helps to make me feel like i'm not alone and i'm not the only one who makes these mistakes, because i'm starting to feel like everyone else is so much stronger than i am!

it's just SO HARD to let go, so hard to stop fighting for something that i really thought had a chance who's fighting for me??

embraced2000

hey inthis.....about 3 years ago, i felt like i was lying on my belly in the dust just sucking in dirt, trying to take a breath.

it would be impossible to count the hours i spent aching, hurting, miserable, feeling like i was going to die without him in my life. it's been a loooooonnngg road, and a hard struggle.....but there is light at the end of that tunnell.

and it's a beautiful, glowing light that embraces you in love.....self-love. and it is a miracle and wonderful.

we have all been where you are right now. you are not weak. you are not an idiot. you are going through the fire of acceptance, and there will be many rewards for you on the other side of this pain.

you just keep pushing through it.....and it will come.

MsGolightly

thanks embraced, i really appreciate your support! every time we scream and fight with each other, it only makes me realize how much better i am without her... i cried again just now and i hadn't for almost three full days! i have made progress, even though i did take a step back... hopefully it will be my last!

hope2bhappy

Try occupying them on your keyboard and post here. We're always ready to listen.

Free At Last

not sure of the background to this...... But I too needed someone to write it on my eyelid. It finally took a dedication to myself of no contact. HARD but worked. I fonally did it beacause I realized this: Why are they ever going to hear you Why is it ever going to change Why are they ever to going to get better????? They won;t because you will always call or find a reason for contact. The next time you have the need LOOK FOR YOU!!!! CONCENTRATE ON YOU Do not keep doing the same thng they expect the call Shock them for that matter shock you Good luck Let go and Let God it wil lbe ok

dobiediva

I too have failed a million times. Yet despite all that happened I still cannot bring myself to go completely contact free. Guess I still need my "fix". Still very much an addict. Its so hard when you see glimpses of who they were and who you WISH they were in between the periods of insanity. Those glimpses kill me every time. I know that no contact is the only way..just not quite there yet. Something always "sucks me back in" in one way or another. I hope I can get there someday too. I know exactly how you feel ITFM.

MsGolightly

tonight sure has been a wake up call. hours of fighting. hours of screaming.

i know she's hurting. i know she's unhappy with her life. but she won't talk about it, and won't stop treating me like dirt.

i'm done sympathizing... there doesn't seem to be a point except it makes me more upset later. i'd like to think this whole thing has been a bad dream and i'll snap out of it soon...

aztchr

I went no contact for over 2 months, then my exabf called me. I thought ok, I can try to maintain a friendship with him if nothing else, but our definitions of friends is different. It can't be one sided and at his convenience. I'm worth more than that so I'm back to no contact.

MsGolightly

aztchr, good for you! i admire your strength... can i have some of it?

why am i caring so much about someone who doesn't care back?! it's almost like i enjoy the pain... although that definitely isn't the case

JessicaNAJ

I've done the same thing........over and over and over again. One day, all of this will seem like a bad dream and you'll be in a much better place.

prodigal

InThisForMe, you still want her to be what she was when you first met her. Your hoping when you call, maybe this time she will see the light. We all hang on to that hope. I believe you mentioned you are in your early 20's. Look at it this way ... you have a lot of life left in you and there are plenty of lovely ladies out there who would enjoy getting to know you. Sure, you loved her, but she doesn't want to change.

The problems with ending a relationship with addicts is you don't get closure from them. They just wander off and never hold themselves accountable for their share of the blame - unless they get recovery. She's treating you like dirt. You don't want to be treated like dirt. But she keeps doing it. You want her to stop doing it. That's the problem, you can't control how she behaves and she's apparently not willing to get help to become the person you fell in love with.

It's sad, but if you feel yourself weakening you need to get to an Al-Anon meeting. I really think that would help you. Also, seeking a sponsor would be beneficial. In times when you feel weak, you'll have someone you can call who will help you keep from dialing that phone.

MsGolightly

thanks prodigal, you're totally right. it's the closure and some kind of reasoning for her behavior that i want. i guess i have to live with the fact that i'm never going to get it.

it's just so heartbreaking; i feel so much compassion towards her and also so much hatred. she's already moved onto someone else, so i'm not sure why i'm still putting myself through this pain. i just want it to end, i just want to have moved on already.

denny57

Strange as it sounds, because YOU ARE NORMAL. She has moved onto someone else so she doesn't have to deal with the pain of a breakup or self-examination. Someday it might catch up with her as she continues to do it over and over. Maybe not. But if you take this time to consider your part in this relationship, and what you are about, you will begin to have the healthy relationships you desire and deserve (the first one being with yourself!).

Good luck!

un4gvn acts

I too have been where you are now. I feel your heartbreak. I hung onto it it every second of my day. I finally snapped out of it - I allowed myself to let go too Let Go! I learned this over a period of time & with the help from Al Anon family. The more I learned about myself the less I felt heartache! I am loveable, you are loveable, we are all loveable. We cannot truly love another unless we love ourselves first. I can't tell you how to love you but I can tell you how to start & that is by AlAnon.
Hope this helps
Sage

Nuudawn

What power? You are powerless over addiction my friend. Besides, no relationship should be reduced to who wins and loses. You picked up that phone like an alcoholic picks up a drink...you were in pain. You were itching for a "fix"...for an answer...for certainty.

You need to let her go. You need to erect some boundaries while you heal yourself. It's very, very hard...I know. You are in process and the only answer is time and patience and breathing room to grow. I too had some exchanges with my ex...when I was in pain. He can't help me with my pain...he'll only add to it. No contact is your salvation.

Sunflower

I was walking my Dog today with my I Pod on and an old Rolling stones song came on and I thought of you and myself as well--
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
and you will lose your mind
ain't life unkind?

So hard to watch our dreams die-and think of all that could have been.
But we have the ability to Start Over...I hope you can soon
might want to read the snake/dog posts.....