chero

I don't know how to answer that question? I want to be mean and angry and nasty and hateful and I can't. I'm the good girl who's hiding all the bad. I don't see that there is anything to love and yet I know that can't be right. My whole identity has been wrapped up in what I can do for others. I don't even know who I am so how can I love somebody I don't know.

denny57

That was me, too. I was so confused - I thought it was black or white - nice girl or mean and angry and nasty and hateful. It isn't, though. What I learned - at first from Al-Anon and therapy - was that I am a good and decent human being and I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. That starts with me. As I discovered my inherent right to be treated this way, I learned to love myself and I was then unable to accept unacceptable behavior from others.

I hope you will seek out the help you need for yourself, because you are so very, very worth it.

Love to you.

chero

I don't know which hurt worse; that I am worth it or that it starts with me.
Thank you for your insight. I have so much to think about and it helps so much knowing I'm not alone.

appleblaster

I've read many, many posts about someone's mate not being the person they fell in love with. But that's the hook Chero, that's who they are NOW. My xabf was a sexy, handsome, well-dressed, intelligent, articulate, cultured man whom I fell in love with. Unfortulately, that is not all he is. He is a lying, manipulating, cheating abusive alcoholic who will probably eventually kill himself with the stuff.

He IS NOT who I fell in love with. That man no longer exists and will not exist without recovery. I wasted over a year and a half trying to peel the layers off in the hopes that I would get the man I fell in love with back. Never happened....its just NOT going to happen. Its like a scrambled egg....you take all or you take none of it. The focus turns now onto why I choose men like this to love.

I do not even know you but from what you've posted I can see that what we say here will not truly sink in until you are ready to hear it. I was there once too. We still love you and I truly hope it doesn't take much more for you to 'get it'. But no matter what, do not allow yourself to be physically assaulted. You wouldn't let a stranger in a parking lot punch you in the face so why does this man get special treatment? Because you love him so much? Think about that Chero. He's acting like he was raised by wolves.

Big hugs and keep posting.

chero

You're right. I don't know if I am ready to hear it...if it has sunk in. You all sound so strong and healthy and I can't imagine feeling that way. I've read a lot about setting boundaries. I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine not asking in every conversation, "Are you being good?"
I also could never imagine after all the months reading these postings that I would be participating...so maybe there is hope for me?

AllTooSober

(((chero))) Just remember, every one of us who sounds strong and healthy today was once where you are now, feeling pretty much the same way. Their recoveries have brought them to this place of strength and health, but it took a brave decision to start caring for themselves instead of putting their well-being last.

It's hard to hear, and even harder to do, but it's just how these things are. My heart aches for you and the pain you're going through. Please keep reading and posting here--you will get boundless support and understanding!

AllTooSober

One thing I forgot... just about everybody hear has their bad days and moments of weakness, too, and we're all still here for each other. :-)

escape artist

http://www.novavita.org/pages/abuse.html

this was in a previous post and i found it extremely relevant to letting go when there is physical abuse. you first need to get yourself in a safe place!!!!!
abuse usually escalates -btdt. you need to get yourself in a safe place!!!!
there are stickies about abuse at thetop of the forum.

according to the article-unless you are in a safe place- letting go may not be the best solution for you at this time. so you need to get yourself in a safe place first!!!!

have i said this enough to make my point?
check your local resources women's shelters abuse hotlines or even relatives (maybe not) to get yourself in a safe place first!!!!
then you will be able to begin your recovery and let go of the situation you are presently in.

please keep us posted how you are doing.

appleblaster

The very fact that you're here means there is hope. The fact that we are here means that we were once in your shoes as well. The amount of time that each individual person allowed themselves to be in an abusive relationship varies. Some of us are still in those toxic relationships and some are not.
Don't be down on yourself for one minute because you are where you are. Do not think you are terrible because you still believe you love him.

The turning poing for me was when I realized that I was so much more than I gave myself credit for. The same applies to you. The alcoholic's needs are so immense that we have to be strong, intelligent, resourceful, witty, patient, etc. in order to remain in a relationship with them for any extended time. I read that at least ten times before it really set in. I'm not wasting those attributes on a sick man who doesn't want to get help anymore.

You hear about the alcoholic needing to reach their 'bottom' before they will seek recovery. Well we have a bottom too Chero. You will suffer until you hit yours. There is simply no nugget of wisdom or magic key that anyone can hand you that will make it happen any more quickly. Again, I hope your bottom isn't very deep.

It is okay to be gentle with yourself. It is okay for you to take care of yourself even if that means leaving. By staying you are not allowing him to hit his bottom. Enabling or tolerating the bahaviour is actually cushioning his fall. Get out of his way and let him fall!! Let him fall on his a$$ so he can begin the process of getting back up.....just don't let him hit you on the way down.

escape artist

http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/health_h...ependency.html

this was the main link i was talking about(thanks newenglandgirl)

chero

Well today is not a good day. I just knew all day that he was going to be drinking. I hate knowing. I hate having that intuition. I hate him for doing it. He's sober when he buys it so why can't he just not do it. I hate it. It's just too hard. It's all too hard. I'm so tired of being strong and I'm so...I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of caring and I'm tired of the effort it all takes. I'm just not having a good day.

Cynay

Ohhh I dont know about that....It may not feel good now, but that does not mean it is not good. Maybe its a good thing that you are getting tired. Could be your finding your bottom?

Nothing changes till you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

chero

Well you are the second person in about 1/2 an hour to say about the same thing. Before I got online I was watching t.v. and a lady who lost her family in a plane crash said she finally realized she had to stop focusing on what she lost and remember what she had been given. And now you are saying maybe today is a good day. Well, I just don't know anymore. My AH has disappeared. I don't know where he went. The garage probably. Like I don't know what is going on out there. Earlier in my anger I mentioned divorce and at first he was like, "Okay." Then later he came back in and said, "Never!"
Maybe my bottom is near??

denny57

(((chero))) sorry you are having a bad day

He is not sober when he buys it, he is dry. He has the compulsion to drink and until he seeks recovery he'll continue to buy and drink it.

Now more than ever, know you should do that girls' night out.

chero

Well I never thought about it like that...him being dry instead of sober. Of course, until I came here I didn't even know there was a difference. So much learn....I hardly know where to start.
Hmm...where do I start? What is the first step. How do I make a start towards a better life, a better way??

chero

You know what I mean? What should be my first step? Is there a guideline I should follow? When he comes in drunk what should I do? I don't even know what should be my response? Do I react? Do I ignore? Do I leave?

I don't know what to do???

havehopetoday

Chero, there is always hope. And you asked some questions that were really about you. Is it possible to love too much?
I would like to recommend a book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood (i don't know I may be breaking a rule here on advertising). It's not a book about A's it is a book about women who love too much.
The path to wellness starts with awareness. If you are here you are seeking support/information.
This book stopped me in my tracks. Worth the read

havehopetoday

Chero, on your post, what should you do?

I would say leave. If your best friend was in the same situation, you would advise LEAVE. If you mother, sister, daughter were in the same situation you would advise LEAVE.

But we get stuck don't we? I know it's tough. When you have finally had enough you will know. And you will act. And you will have support here as always.

denny57

My first steps were Al-Anon and individual therapy. It changed my life.

LaTeeDa

As has been mentioned before, when violence is involved, Al-Anon may not be the best first step. Safety has to come first. Individual counseling might be a good idea. Maybe a DV counselor? Calling a DV hotline? Where I live there are many resources available. I hope the same is true where you are. Once you are safe, Al-Anon would be a terrific thing to do.

((()))

L