How do you let go?
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
How do you let go?
I've been coming here for a few months and reading what you have all written. It has helped me so much to know that someone else out there is going through what I'm going through. I have felt so alone. 10 days ago my AH moved passed the verbal abuse into physical. I'm so afraid of what is happening to me and to him. I'm afraid of people finding out about how awful it is. It's not awful all the time just lately more frequently and worse and worse. I'm torn between love and hate and excuses and lies and...I guess I'm just torn. I know any day I'm gonna come home and he'll be drunk. It affects my every moment. How do I live my own life? How do you let go? Do you let go? I still love him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
Hi Chero,
Glad you are here, and pat yourself on the back for posting something...it is a big step. I left my long-term, live-in AB 1 week and 1 day ago. This forum has been AMAZING!!! Keep coming.
There was never physical abuse, the active alcoholism was torture enough for me to say "no more". Here are a few questions I asked myself that may help you. And, it is important that you be honest with yourself. Listen to your gut.
1. Do you love him, or do you love who you think he could be?
2. If your sister, mother, best friend came to you and told you exactly what you posted on this site, what would you tell her? Would you tell her she was worth more, should never put up with abuse, etc?
Also, here is what I learned about my experience so far in regards to "how do you let go?" My answer is: You take that leap and stick to it. The first day I felt pretty good about my decision, partly because I thought he would change in reaction to my leaving. The second day I was pissed that he hadn't changed...his not changing actually re-affirmed my original decision to leave. The third day I got really lonely, fearful of the future, etc. That day was the first time I posted onthis forum. I planted myself in front of my computer and wrote about my situation, replied to others, and read other replies. I made d**n sure that I didn't call him, talk to him, or utilize him to put a band-aid over my sadness. And you know what...I made it through. I didn't burst into flames, the sun came up the next day, the world didn't end.
I had passed my first hurdle, and it made me stronger. I realized there were a few critical things to my success. 1. Don't call the alcoholic (he won't understand, he won't make it better, he won't change). 2. Post on this forum (write about your feelings, experiences, etc. until you can't type). 3. Think about all the crappy times. 4. Think about what the perfect life would look like (and be very sure you trick yourself into excluding your AH from that vision). Thinking about this gets you thinking about yourself, and if you're like most of us, you haven't thought about yourself in a long time.
As an outside person, I have to state the obvious (which I know you must be thinking). GET OUT. PHYSICAL ABUSE IS A CRIME. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I know I have been embarrassed about my AB's drinking. Embarrassed to tell anyone about: waking up in a pool of his urine, being apprehensive about opening cupboards because there might be a hidden bottle, not being able to keep plans because he was drunk, etc. Posting on this forum is a great way to get it out. I am now realizing that I don't have a single thing to be embarrassed about. He does...but I don't. And neither do you.
Hope this helps. Keep posting. We all care about your situation.
Glad you are here, and pat yourself on the back for posting something...it is a big step. I left my long-term, live-in AB 1 week and 1 day ago. This forum has been AMAZING!!! Keep coming.
There was never physical abuse, the active alcoholism was torture enough for me to say "no more". Here are a few questions I asked myself that may help you. And, it is important that you be honest with yourself. Listen to your gut.
1. Do you love him, or do you love who you think he could be?
2. If your sister, mother, best friend came to you and told you exactly what you posted on this site, what would you tell her? Would you tell her she was worth more, should never put up with abuse, etc?
Also, here is what I learned about my experience so far in regards to "how do you let go?" My answer is: You take that leap and stick to it. The first day I felt pretty good about my decision, partly because I thought he would change in reaction to my leaving. The second day I was pissed that he hadn't changed...his not changing actually re-affirmed my original decision to leave. The third day I got really lonely, fearful of the future, etc. That day was the first time I posted onthis forum. I planted myself in front of my computer and wrote about my situation, replied to others, and read other replies. I made d**n sure that I didn't call him, talk to him, or utilize him to put a band-aid over my sadness. And you know what...I made it through. I didn't burst into flames, the sun came up the next day, the world didn't end.
I had passed my first hurdle, and it made me stronger. I realized there were a few critical things to my success. 1. Don't call the alcoholic (he won't understand, he won't make it better, he won't change). 2. Post on this forum (write about your feelings, experiences, etc. until you can't type). 3. Think about all the crappy times. 4. Think about what the perfect life would look like (and be very sure you trick yourself into excluding your AH from that vision). Thinking about this gets you thinking about yourself, and if you're like most of us, you haven't thought about yourself in a long time.
As an outside person, I have to state the obvious (which I know you must be thinking). GET OUT. PHYSICAL ABUSE IS A CRIME. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I know I have been embarrassed about my AB's drinking. Embarrassed to tell anyone about: waking up in a pool of his urine, being apprehensive about opening cupboards because there might be a hidden bottle, not being able to keep plans because he was drunk, etc. Posting on this forum is a great way to get it out. I am now realizing that I don't have a single thing to be embarrassed about. He does...but I don't. And neither do you.
Hope this helps. Keep posting. We all care about your situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
Chero,
What I've found:
Don't be afraid to tell others. It was a lot less stressful for me after I told people I work with. They are a great support system. You may find friends and help you didn't even know you needed.
Don't assume other people don't already know. I first went to a lawyer who's from my town, I started out that my husband is an alcoholic. He just calmly said, "I know". Wow! How could he know that - we don't even hang in the same circles.
Don't dismiss the physical abuse. It is never ok! You should report it any time it happens. In the future you may be glad you did. Talk to a crisis intervention or similar service in your community. In my case the clerk of court who handles mental health/substance abuse committals forwarded me to someone else who hooked me up with some of these other support groups.
I was afraid to come home too. That's what finally hit me. That's not normal. I want to be happy- home is where the heart is. And mine wasn't. When I finally got to be home with him not here - things started looking up. Although I still hate when I have to deal with AH (visitation etc) I know I made the right decision.
That first lawyer I talked to, told me what happens in a divorce and what to start doing. Setting boundaries & journalling.
I started writing. I wrote almost every day but especially the bad days! Now looking back, when I think AH has had a good day, and I start questioning my self - I reread and see it has all happened before and appears to be happening again. It makes me feel good, knowing I did make the right decision.
Do I still love him? I love him - I want what is best for him. I want him to be happy and healthy. But I cannot live with him, and I cannot risk my health & happiness or the kids' health & happiness - having to live day in day out with AH.
Most important - Stay Safe!
What I've found:
Don't be afraid to tell others. It was a lot less stressful for me after I told people I work with. They are a great support system. You may find friends and help you didn't even know you needed.
Don't assume other people don't already know. I first went to a lawyer who's from my town, I started out that my husband is an alcoholic. He just calmly said, "I know". Wow! How could he know that - we don't even hang in the same circles.
Don't dismiss the physical abuse. It is never ok! You should report it any time it happens. In the future you may be glad you did. Talk to a crisis intervention or similar service in your community. In my case the clerk of court who handles mental health/substance abuse committals forwarded me to someone else who hooked me up with some of these other support groups.
I was afraid to come home too. That's what finally hit me. That's not normal. I want to be happy- home is where the heart is. And mine wasn't. When I finally got to be home with him not here - things started looking up. Although I still hate when I have to deal with AH (visitation etc) I know I made the right decision.
That first lawyer I talked to, told me what happens in a divorce and what to start doing. Setting boundaries & journalling.
I started writing. I wrote almost every day but especially the bad days! Now looking back, when I think AH has had a good day, and I start questioning my self - I reread and see it has all happened before and appears to be happening again. It makes me feel good, knowing I did make the right decision.
Do I still love him? I love him - I want what is best for him. I want him to be happy and healthy. But I cannot live with him, and I cannot risk my health & happiness or the kids' health & happiness - having to live day in day out with AH.
Most important - Stay Safe!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
You let go because you reach a point where you are so physically and mentally exhausted--you just give up--in a way--start thinking of only you for a change--he has to deal with his own problems-you can't fix him.NO MAN has the right to hit you--DO YOU HEAR ME?? I have been through this I know exactly what you mean--TELLSOMEONE ASAP-they will look at it more objectivly and help you--I did --but I let myself be abused for 2 years before I told someone--they got me to see the mess I was in and helped me out.PLEASE LEAVE---you are not safe....The abuse will get worse and worse if you stay...plan your escape--get a lawyer--no need to be embarrased--you will be suprised how many people you know that will tell you'their story" Just look at this one forum --you are not alone....God Bless you and keep you safe....
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
(((Chero)))
You really cannot ignore the physical issue here. It will not get better. I assure you of this. It will progress just like the disease itself. This has been proven time and again.
You may physically and emotionally endure physical/verbal abuse but I promise you that your spirit cannot endure it. You do not deserve to be tortured like that.
Plain and simple. When it comes to physical voilence there are NO excuses and your only option is to walk......no, run.
Love to you. Keep posting.
You really cannot ignore the physical issue here. It will not get better. I assure you of this. It will progress just like the disease itself. This has been proven time and again.
You may physically and emotionally endure physical/verbal abuse but I promise you that your spirit cannot endure it. You do not deserve to be tortured like that.
Plain and simple. When it comes to physical voilence there are NO excuses and your only option is to walk......no, run.
Love to you. Keep posting.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Physical abuse is a deal breaker. To me there is no turning back. He will continue to be physically abusive, and, it will get worse.
There is nothing to be embarassed by, call your family, call your friends, let them help you get the h*ll out of there, before it's too late.
This is not an issue to be taken lightly, or ignored, time to take off your rose colored glasses and face the issue straight on.
Take care of you,
Dolly
There is nothing to be embarassed by, call your family, call your friends, let them help you get the h*ll out of there, before it's too late.
This is not an issue to be taken lightly, or ignored, time to take off your rose colored glasses and face the issue straight on.
Take care of you,
Dolly
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Just knowing that all of you know seems so huge for me right now. I cried through reading what you all wrote and my hands are shaking trying to type this now. I want to believe it won't happen again. Why? Because it took 12 years to happen in the first place? I don't know. I always said in my heart that physical abuse would be the final straw and yet here I sit. It's a lot to think about. Thanks for the support without the condemnation!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by chero 
10 days ago my AH moved passed the verbal abuse into physical. I'm so afraid of what is happening to me and to him.
Originally Posted by chero
I'm afraid of people finding out about how awful it is.
Originally Posted by chero
I still love him.
Please keep coming back and learn how to stay safe!
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by chero
I want to believe it won't happen again. Why? Because it took 12 years to happen in the first place?
Know what you know Chero......no matter WHAT the circumstances are you did NOT cause him to get physical and its simply unacceptable.
Trust in your Higher Power. Keep coming back here. The healing that takes place in this black and white text and smiley place is remarkable!!!!
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I'll relay what's going on with my neighbor. They have been married for 40+ years. I have lived next to them for 20 of that. Their children are grown, and they have 7 grandkids. One of these grandkids told me this one day (maybe five years ago) ....Grandpa beat Grandma up, and we saw him do it, so he made us stay home from school today so that we wouldn't tell anyone.
Don't be embarrassed, because people already know. I knew, yet I did nothing. She never left. She attends church twice a week. She finally got a driver's license. And this Grandmother babysits all of the grandkids everyday.
Then this week, it happened again. With a blackeye, Grandmother packed up and left. She is "hiding" at one of her grown kid's house, and has seen a lawyer already about kicking him out of the house. Their kid's are furious with their dad.. (about time don't ya think?).. but it took many many times of this abuse before they got to this point. Why? Probably because they grew up thinking this was "normal".
So it can happen at any age, and it matters not how many "good" years you have had before it happened. It matters that you get out, now. There is no reason to wait for it to happen again. There are many people out there that will help you. I would have been there to help my neighbor if she just asked. Once is more than enough.
Don't be embarrassed, because people already know. I knew, yet I did nothing. She never left. She attends church twice a week. She finally got a driver's license. And this Grandmother babysits all of the grandkids everyday.
Then this week, it happened again. With a blackeye, Grandmother packed up and left. She is "hiding" at one of her grown kid's house, and has seen a lawyer already about kicking him out of the house. Their kid's are furious with their dad.. (about time don't ya think?).. but it took many many times of this abuse before they got to this point. Why? Probably because they grew up thinking this was "normal".
So it can happen at any age, and it matters not how many "good" years you have had before it happened. It matters that you get out, now. There is no reason to wait for it to happen again. There are many people out there that will help you. I would have been there to help my neighbor if she just asked. Once is more than enough.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Honey, my heart is breaking for you. You have rec'd such wonderful advice here...which I hope you take. As said, the affliction is progressive. And he will strike you again if you stay. By staying, you are letting him know its tolerable behaviour. It's that simple. You need to save yourself sweetie... no one else can do that but you. This man is deep in self loathing without respect for himself or anyone in his path. You deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
My neighbor many years ago was a woman of wonderful character and her husband of 40+ years beat her up all the time.....it was so sad because we could her what was going on....even tho several neighbors called the police he was never arrested and she would never press charges....but when he died several years ago she didnt shed one tear - in fact she took a cruise !!!! Good for her !!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Please tell me that I'm wrong - but I get the impression that what you are asking is in reference to the abuse and feelings when you ask "how do I let go?"
I, like you, allowed my XAH to do things that he never should have done. I stayed, I forgave, and I kept trying. But he wasn't changing - so nothing really changed other than my living in denial and my everlasting hope of things getting better.
There's a "Sticky" post up at the top of the forum, I believe it's Classic Reading - and there's something in there called "Letting Go". I printed that off and I read that thing every single day early on in my recovery. You might want to check it out.
You know - here's the reality.
He abused you - and he had no right nor reason to do so.
You don't want to go home.
You live each moment worried and wondering about the A in your life.
I'm betting that you've begun (or have already) lost YOU. This happened to me too, I got so enmeshed with my AH, that I really lost myself.
I hope that you'll take what others have said to your heart - it's meant with the most of concern for your safety!
I, like you, allowed my XAH to do things that he never should have done. I stayed, I forgave, and I kept trying. But he wasn't changing - so nothing really changed other than my living in denial and my everlasting hope of things getting better.
There's a "Sticky" post up at the top of the forum, I believe it's Classic Reading - and there's something in there called "Letting Go". I printed that off and I read that thing every single day early on in my recovery. You might want to check it out.
You know - here's the reality.
He abused you - and he had no right nor reason to do so.
You don't want to go home.
You live each moment worried and wondering about the A in your life.
I'm betting that you've begun (or have already) lost YOU. This happened to me too, I got so enmeshed with my AH, that I really lost myself.
I hope that you'll take what others have said to your heart - it's meant with the most of concern for your safety!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Why? I don't know why? I always said that's when I would leave and yet, I didn't. Here I sit. Do I love him? I do love him. I really do. I just keep thinking that wasn't him-not the man I married. That was the monster alcohol created. And the man I married wouldn't do that.
I keep erasing all the excuses I come up with because I know they sound lame. I don't know.
I keep erasing all the excuses I come up with because I know they sound lame. I don't know.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Love too much,no, be too co-dependent, yes. He "Loves You Much" BUT he loves alcohol more....
That's reality...avoiding the obvious is not the answer.
Time to face reality square in the face. For you, your safety, your future.
That's reality...avoiding the obvious is not the answer.
Time to face reality square in the face. For you, your safety, your future.
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