newenglandgirl

Hi everyone,

I've been off line for a few days...trying to pick up the pieces here.

I've told my AH that I want a divorce. He is now playing the "I can't get better if she leaves me" card. His parents are buying it hook, line, and sinker.

sigh.

I saw him yesterday. He was like a child. Sobbing and begging. I did not know that a broken heart could hurt this bad. I am learning first hand.

Sometimes I think that I should give him hope that there is a chance to save our marriage in hopes that it will motivate him to seek help etc. Other times I think that he has already had his chances and that he proved to me over and over again that he has no regard for my needs and that drinking is always first.

How do you find the strength to stay away when they beg and cry? I am trying.

parentrecovers

thinking about you, newenglandgirl. stay strong and take good care of yourself. blessings, k

Cynay

I find that strength in reading, Al-anon and good friends that remind me all the time how worthy I am, that I deserve much more then what I have accepted. I find that strenght by trying to view how I would feel if my daughter was treated that way..... if it is not good enough for her then it sure in the heck is not good for me either.

Im not sure I would give false hope hon, to me it just drags out the pain. If you know there is no way you can/will fix the marriage and your completely done.... Cut the ties and let the hurt happen..... its the only way anyone will heal. If he gets help great, if he does not.... too bad. You are not his babysitter and even if you feel responsible for him .... the trade off is not worth it.

Try keeping a journal about all the things that were sooooo hurtful and then keep it handy to read and remember. *hugs* to you hon, its not easy but you are worth so much more.

Crumbs

I am in a very similar situation to yours and I know how hard it can be. What I can tell you is that this web site has been incredibly helpful. Stay strong!

denny57

I'd think a non-blaming serious about recovery sort of person might say "wow, she's leaving me, I'd better get better." No, he blames YOU for his inability to choose sobriety. You do not have to answer to anyone but yourself. I finally asked myself: am I going to get better if I stay?

It hurts like nothing else, but it gets less painful as time goes by. Love yourself. ((()))

dobiediva

Don't give him false hope. I'm making that mistake with my XABF. I still talk to him. I am kind to him. He begs. I try to stay strong and stay away but I can feel myself crumbling (and so can he!). He does better when I'm around. That's why he will never be "fixed". I am dragging it on. Not intentionally but I tried to be nice. I realize now that I am the reason he is getting worse. He will never hit his bottom if I am around, and I will never find the "true" love and respect that I deserve if I stay. It hurts. It really really hurts. You made a decision. Stick to it. It will be over much faster if you do. I wish I would've followed my own advise.

newenglandgirl

thanks so much everyone.
your words help - mucho.

lesliejo

I was in the same situation for over 6 yrs. He said everything that I wanted to hear for fear of losing me and I bought it everytime. I love him with my whole heart but after all the horrible things he did to me (over and over) well let's just say that everyone of those took a piece of my heart untill there's not much of a heart left.
Good luck to you and take care of yourself.
Leslie

newenglandgirl

wow - you all REALLY do get what I am going through. I have my family and friends here to support me...but they don't just don't understand sometimes. I don't blame them of course. I guess we have to go through it to really get it. sigh.

I have my family on my side telling me to end it NOW.
Then I have his family trying to convince me to stay and give him the "support" he needs in this hard time.
I feel torn sometimes. Within myself too.

lesliejo

I finally told my dad about his addiction to coke. Up untill now he though he just "drank a little too much!" Well was he shocked to hear to whole story as was his family too. I just got tired of being looked at as the bitch wife who didn't let her husband do what other husbands do all the time. Well I let them all see what happens to me not them, when he comes home. Needless to say, I have everyones support and if it come down to a divorce I know where I stand with everyone. It really does help to talk.
Leslie

mallowcup

I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do either. I sometimes think it was the last thread of a prayer that tipped the balance. I wrote. Pages and pages and pages. I just kept writing. Somehow without even realizing it and writing about nothing in particular, it brought clarity to my decision. There was also the emotional and very primal purge. I cried like my tears were some toxin being released and I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I remember scaring myself because I was making these primal wailing noises. It is very hard, very hard. Some mustard seed inside you, perhaps the last seed you had to spend on him. I think over and over you will hear that the people here made a decision that they can't describe. How could anyone willingly make such a painful decision and yet we do. I can only tell you what I did. In looking back, I think I was completely mentally exhausted.

denny57

Even when staying to support him means letting yourself down? Why on earth would they wish that on you? One possible answer would be then they'd have to support him.

I was fortunate - my in-laws saw it for what it was; though my BIL, bless his heart, did give a big sigh and say I sure wish you could put up with it. LOL

Lean on those who are there to support you in what is best for YOU. It's not an easy thing to do alone.

((()))

Cynay

OMG did that bring back memories.... such a great description "primal"


My Ex-AH's family pulled the same thing on me, telling me that it was my "responsibility" as his wife to stand by him .... gave me the "sickness and health" routine... But you know .... I was sick, there is no way I could support him when I was drowning. If I had stayed it would have been Cynay that died..... he would just stay pickled.

His family hated me and still does as far as I know.... I was cut out of the (large) family and only my daughter was welcome. I have no contact to this day with them. But today Im ok with that because they are sick and toxic too me as well..... I dont choose to keep people that are harmful people in my life.... If I feel hurt/pain when around them, I dont need to be around them

mallowcup

My exs family maintains that thinking. He wouldn't be drinking todya if I had not left him. He was writing checks for cocaine, drinking, cheating, he was never home, he beat me, took my tips (I was a waitress then). left me with no money and no car. It was total insanity. Short of drinking from the hose and eating old condiment packets, there was no lower to go. Of course I kept trying to explain it, defend myself, apologize, beg God to forgive me. He would do best with those who are sure they can help him. He should stay at their house. No where does God command us to live like that.

Godhelpme

(((NEG)))

It must really tug on your heart to see him reduced to incomprehensible crying...It would me, too. Personally, I never experienced AH crying and begging me to stay in the marriage or in even in our home.

You owe no one nothing. His motivation has got to come from deep within himself. You can be supportive of his seeking sobriety and no promises of any kind are needed.

The only reason he needs to get sober is because he wants a better life for himself.

Be good to you, my friend.

~GHM

BeautifulChaos7

Be strong...i know it's hard to deal with a guy who is making you feel guilty and bad about it. But you need to do what is going to make you happy. Here;s some advice...you only have one life, so if there is anything that you aren't happy about, even the smallest thing...you must do something to change it. And remember one other thing...you must go through a valley to get to the top of the mountain, just don't give up when your half way there....keep pushing on. And do what you know is going to make you happy...even if it means hurting someone else. You have given him chances...what more can you do?

I am going to keep you in my thoughts....best of luck.

~BeautifulChaos7~

newenglandgirl

You guys are great. I really needed these wise words tonight. Thank you.

sunwish

Sorry you are going through this. Stay Strong! This is time to think about your needs....your happiness. I hear some of the same things but I have my mind made up. I have made it clear that we have to be apart and if he wants to stop drinking he needs to do it himself. I cant "stand by him" and "be the strong one" as he has asked me to. It is very difficult. Take Care of You!

embraced2000

(((((((neg)))))))

you ask how can you stay away when they beg and cry???

how many times have you begged and cried for your marriage?? did it sway him any??? it's affecting you because you still have a warm, caring, and loving heart.

of course he is upset.....his comfy habitat for his alcoholism is crumbling.

i understand so well, neg.....and i am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling. it is just brutal. i'm sorry for your husband, too. i'm sorry that this damned alcoholism has wrecked another human being.

take care of yourself, and remember that all the promises, tears, and begging in the world don't mean a thing unless it's followed by action.

love to you neg
jeri

LizzyP

Hi, newengland,

Having been gone now, and getting through to the other side, I have so much peace! So, the pain is here now, but it won't be forever. I definately still have my moments, but it is not like it was at first.

These are some things that helped me through that time:

Think Manipulation.

We keep on doing the same old thing, expecting different results.....Nothing changes if nothing changes.

As others mentioned, write down and remind yourself of the bad times and why you left. What is your physical reaction when you think about going back into that situation? Mine, I felt nauseous, got a big knot in my stomache, and wanted to run. Dread.

I went to as many Al-Anon meetings as I could. A few weeks before I left, I "divorced" my husband in my mind. I know this sounds cold, but I started making plans for myself as if he weren't there. If I didn't feel like cooking supper, I didn't. When he pulled the blame game, I thought, I'm divorced from this man, I don't have to buy into this. That last one kind of sort of worked.

What do YOU want for your life? Not what your husband wants, to please him. Not what your in-laws want, to please them. But what would please you?

I read and re-read page 13 in ODAT: "God guide me to make the right decision and give me the fortitude to cling to it against all pressures and persuasions."

(((hugs))) to you, as you work through this and make these tough decisions.