chrisea

I can relate to the I don't care - leave... Before I left, I wanted to talk, even if it meant with a mediator/councelor... But his reply was, since I already was (doing the talking to a councelor on my own) I was the one with problems and that I should figure it out. Well a few days later I did, and started to leave. I have found with my ex's they would check the oil in their vehicle, but mine was my job... So it is ~ it takes about 5 or 10 mins (that's if you have to add oil). How long does it take to cook, clean, do laundry, shopping for food, clothes shopping mine & his, take out the trash, scrub the toilet, that's right a few more mins... I get to do all this anyways, that's a woman's job, but for some men, Yep, they can have their Way All the Time and also what I use to do... hee, hee

penneypoo

Good, maybe he'll follow through.....at least he admits he needs help, that's a step. It just seems that everyone's experience here is that they're just are hard to live with sober, as they are drunk. The question is how long can you you live with it?? I understand staying so you can help him and not let him fall back, but at what expense? He needs you, no question about that. You need to make a tough desicion, and stick with it. Maybe you leaving will cause him to get help....have faith and pray that he will. Otherwise, the drama will continue..............

queenteree

I'm no therapist, but did any counselor feel that maybe he has a self-destructive attitude and that because of the abuse he suffered as a child, he feels that he is not worthy of your love and devotion and is subconciously doing stuff to test you and/or make you leave him. Someone who has gone thru that kind of abuse has to have deep rooted problems, which therapy will bring out as long as he is honest. As for how he treats his mother even now, he may be still trying to do anything to get his mother's love and attention which is so desparately needed as a child and didn't get. This is just my opinion. It is very sad, and my prayers go out to you and him.

hopeangel

yes queentree, self destructive is a word i have described ah with for a very long time. the counselor touched on this and that somewhere he has to find that he is worth it,but she was unwilling to push him with talking about the abuse and dealing with it. i have told him pretty much the exact words you just said also.

it is very sad your right, especially at 35 days sober

Ronron

Ouch, ouch and ouch...suddenly, I am so happy for my mother-in-law who doesn't have a greedy cell in her body. I am so sorry you are in the middle of this. You are a brave and strong woman who must love her step-son very much to put up with his grandmother's posturing. Did he get the ring?

Roni

hopeangel

well, i am still here at home. it is probably wiser for me to stay here for now. see an attorney again (i already did once) and talk to him about what to do. almost everything in this house is mine. so i want to be smart about it. i should plan and save money. why should i have to be the one that has to leave when it is pretty obvious from ah's actions that he has already checked out of this marriage and that he wants out? i asked him to leave and he won't. he says he can't go anywhere because he is going to fix up the house before he sells it(more like tears it apart)
i came home and sure enough he had the carpet torn up and different tile laying there that he and his mom picked out. i am telling you i am livid.
i feel like calling and confronting his mom and telling her she was out of line and giving her a piece of my mind, but then i thought my problem is with ah and not with her because he allowed it.
also, another eye opening experience tonight- both doors were open in our house and we thought our little kitten got out and ah just left with me outside in the cold running around frantically looking for the kitten and said "have fun looking for her" what kind of a person just leaves when they think their new kitten could be outside helpless in the cold and their wife is frantic? he has no heart at all anymore. funny how you really don't know someone.
so i am laying low. i have decided to just plain not talk to him at all.
ignore his exsistance all together and see what happens.

denny57

An emotionally abusive one. Take care of YOU. MHO is you are not dealing with someone who can have a mature, adult conversation about any of this.

What do YOU want out of life? Go for it!

Good luck and sorry about the MIL tile.

dogandbooklover

Hope -

I don't have problems with my husband's parents anymore. They are not a part of our life. I removed them from my life soon after we got married. If my husband wanted to see them that was fine, but I was having nothing to do with them. It took him a little longer, a year or so after we married, but he finally realized that keeping in touch with them and seeing them was damaging him. They are not nice people. He has cut them off since then. Only rare phone calls. Very rare. It helps that we now live 3000 miles away from them. Though even when we lived closer they weren't welcome in our home. He has told me numerous times that he wishes he had done it much earlier on in his life. Like around the age of 12. Seriously, he has worked and basically supported himself since that age anyway.

You said that you had never thought about your husband's family before you got married. I did! Believe me, I most certainly did. We became engaged on Christmas Eve 1991. He called his family and told them the news the next day. A few minutes later I received a phone call from his mother (we lived together). I was informed that: 'everything was fine when you were the red-head my son was bang*ing, but I won't ever let you get married'. How's that for a congratulations! And that was only the beginning. It got worse and worse. The last straw was when right after our wedding invitations were mailed I got another phone call. This one informing me that if we went through with the wedding she was ruin it for us. That was it. The wedding was canceled and we ran off to Las Vegas and did it anyway. Soon after I completely cut his parents out of my life.

I had always heard that you marry an entire family when you get married. I believed it too, until I got married. I married my husband. Period. I did not marry anyone else. No one else stood up there and repeated vows and said 'I do'. My husband and I did that. Just the two of us all by ourselves. Of course, it would have been wonderful to have his family in our life, if they weren't toxic. My family is wonderful and my husband is treated like a true son by them. He considers them to be his only parents.

The hardest thing though is that your husband has to open up his eyes and see that his mother is out of line. He's out of line too by putting his mother above you. God only knows what mothers have done to their sons to make them think the way they do.

Anyway, after all of that, I am thinking about you and praying for you to make the right choices. PM me if you'd like. Take care.

dogandbooklover

Roni -

You are blessed to have the mother-in-law that you do! Be thankful! Your MIL is like my mother. I wish they could all be that way.

dogandbooklover

This is wrong. Just plain wrong. For me that attitude would be completely unacceptable. Did you find the kitten?

newenglandgirl

Thinking of you ((HopeAngel)).

And for those wondering about "tiles" please see below links:

http://www.tilemarkets.co.uk/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tile

WantsOut

HopeAngel, just standing up for yourself could change the whole dynamic of your relationship and maybe make it liveable, even wonderful, again.

However, if you leave the road ahead will be hard, but cartainly not harder than staying with someone who disdains you. Keep strong, know in advance that you will have dark moments and doubts. Be prepared to deal with them. Change is never easy. But when you come out of the other side of this you will a stronger, freer woman.

hopeangel

right now i am trying to figure out if standing up for myself involves calling the mother in law on what she has done. she was wayyy out of line.

ah is going his way and i am going mine.

oh and, yes i found the kitten. sound asleep on the couch

TexasGirl

Hi Hope,
Wow, I can relate to SO MANY things in your post!!!!!
First the house....on our first home, we were looking for paint colors, and we disagreed on which one to choose. His response? "You don't have any taste, and I make all the money so I decide what color we paint." Ticked me off royally, but you know what, he did pick since he was buying. Then, after we had been in our house for almost a year, he showed me another house he wanted to buy and fix up. I said I hated it and I loved our house. Hope, he started making offers on the it without my knowledge. That also ticked me off!!!! Because the mortgage would be in just his name, he could get away with it. But.....sigh.......guess what? We moved into the new house. It is more than just tile or paint color. It's about someone who won't listen to you at all. One time in our 2nd house, he asked me to go to Home Depot and buy 3 ceiling fans. I literally spent 1.5 hours looking at the fans, scared to pick one. That time worked out...he liked them. Another time I was sent for light fixtures....got yelled at for buying the ugly ones.

Then you mentioned the lost kitten....struck a nerve with me too. Our oldest dog would sometimes escape from the house and play keep-away. Too many times, the reason he would get out is because AH was drinking and not careful with the door. Every time the dog got out, I would say, you let him out, go look for him! And he never would. Even if I was in my pajamas, I would have to get dressed and go chase the dog for 30 minutes.

TexasGirl

Geez, and another thing.......mother-in-laws. I liked mine, she was nice if not a little over-involved with us. But if he had one opinion, and I had another, he would call her to get her to settle the difference of opinion. As if I am supposed to say, "ohhhhhh, well, if your mom likes this, then gee, I guess I should too."

I guess my point is that, I can relate, and there is a better way to live. I've making some stupid choices on my own, but at least I know they are mine.

LizzyP

(((hopeangel))) I can so relate to what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers join others right now for you. You will get through this. Answers will come to you, as to what is right for you to do in this situation. I read in the Big Book last night which helped me, pg 13, "...I am to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as HP would have me...."

We're behind you with our love and prayers.

dogandbooklover

What do these women do to their sons to make them think this way? My husband's mother had him programmed for years (mostly before we met), but one day he woke up and realized how messed up she was. I could never figure out why a guy would bother to get married if he was still going to be 'married' to mommy.