Is It True?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 41
Is It True?
Hi everyone. Im new to this. I started my first post last week. Mallowcup, you said that I dont have to leave. That I can stay with my AH and learn skills to take care of myself and be happy. Is that true? Can you? Has anyone here done that? This is why I ask.. Last night my AH was on the phone and I overheard him say he would be there tomorrow night. When he got off the phone I asked him if he was going out tomorrow night and he said maybe (which means yes). Well, I started crying, I couldnt help it. The lonliness just instantly slammed me. I told him I didnt want him to go. He got mad and instead of going tomorrow night he left last night, and I ended up being alone a night earlier (actually it will be more than one night its usually a two day thing). I know from this website and reading ive done that Im not soppose to react, but damn! I cant leave yet. I want to be able to leave so deserately but I love him and I cant yet. So mallowcup your post gave me a lifeline to hold on to. Is it true? Have any of you stayed and been able to be happy?
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello Kindred , ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Honey I have been married to an alcoholic for 22 years and was just divorced by him in October. He left the kids and I 8 times in those 22 years. Every 2 to 2 and a half years was the average length of time that he was able to hang on without going on a 2 or 3 week binge. Yes it got lonely....terribly lonely. I was able to detach from his carnage and wreckage during the absent times...actually it gave me time to reflect about what life would be like without him...that was long long before I knew anything about alcoholism and websites like this one....all I knew is that I had a husband with a drinking problem who went MIA every 2 years or so. All I can say to you is YOU will know when enough is enough and whether or not you can let go....I'm going to tell you a little secret - my husband left the kids and I for a beer and a hooch and later on I found out meth was involved too, but I still loved him all the way through this painful period in my life. I still love him to this very day. Would I take him back? No...I will continue to love him from afar because I know in all actuality he is nothing more than toxic waste. Litterally..
With all the mean and controlling things that these people do to us and as badly as they stomp all over our hearts we still remain faithful and true...why do we do it???? Because we are keepers of our vows and are healthy enough to enforce the vows that we took with these people. THEY on the other hand are not healthy and can not or will not realize that by doing what they are doing to their bodies and mind is breaking the marriage vows...in sickness and in health....this part of those vows also means that one should strive to stay as healthy as possible for their wife or husband so this can be upheld as easily as possible..
Right now you say that he leaves for a couple of days at a time? I remember when in the early years of my marriage that it started off this way to. Then progression mandated that it turn into a week then a week and a half then 2 weeks and so on....
Sweetie only you know how and when to stop the carnage and pain. Nuthin changes if nuthin changes. If you learn the art of detachment the whole thing is easier to handle....all you have to do is turn your mind and heart off so it can take a break for awhile and detachment can and is done even when they are home in standing right in front of you...its amazing what they do when they "see" that you dont respond with the same old response to their destructive behavior patterns....lol Try it and see. Instead of you sitting around today thinking only about him - go do something with someone you both know and dont even speak about AH.....it will get back to him at a later point in time that hmmmm she never even asked about ME ??? Cool huh? Honey all you have to be is smarter than that can of beer..............
Keep in touch ok
Janit
Honey I have been married to an alcoholic for 22 years and was just divorced by him in October. He left the kids and I 8 times in those 22 years. Every 2 to 2 and a half years was the average length of time that he was able to hang on without going on a 2 or 3 week binge. Yes it got lonely....terribly lonely. I was able to detach from his carnage and wreckage during the absent times...actually it gave me time to reflect about what life would be like without him...that was long long before I knew anything about alcoholism and websites like this one....all I knew is that I had a husband with a drinking problem who went MIA every 2 years or so. All I can say to you is YOU will know when enough is enough and whether or not you can let go....I'm going to tell you a little secret - my husband left the kids and I for a beer and a hooch and later on I found out meth was involved too, but I still loved him all the way through this painful period in my life. I still love him to this very day. Would I take him back? No...I will continue to love him from afar because I know in all actuality he is nothing more than toxic waste. Litterally..
With all the mean and controlling things that these people do to us and as badly as they stomp all over our hearts we still remain faithful and true...why do we do it???? Because we are keepers of our vows and are healthy enough to enforce the vows that we took with these people. THEY on the other hand are not healthy and can not or will not realize that by doing what they are doing to their bodies and mind is breaking the marriage vows...in sickness and in health....this part of those vows also means that one should strive to stay as healthy as possible for their wife or husband so this can be upheld as easily as possible..
Right now you say that he leaves for a couple of days at a time? I remember when in the early years of my marriage that it started off this way to. Then progression mandated that it turn into a week then a week and a half then 2 weeks and so on....
Sweetie only you know how and when to stop the carnage and pain. Nuthin changes if nuthin changes. If you learn the art of detachment the whole thing is easier to handle....all you have to do is turn your mind and heart off so it can take a break for awhile and detachment can and is done even when they are home in standing right in front of you...its amazing what they do when they "see" that you dont respond with the same old response to their destructive behavior patterns....lol Try it and see. Instead of you sitting around today thinking only about him - go do something with someone you both know and dont even speak about AH.....it will get back to him at a later point in time that hmmmm she never even asked about ME ??? Cool huh? Honey all you have to be is smarter than that can of beer..............
Keep in touch ok
Janit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 41
I cant imagine him being gone for a week or two. I panic thinking this is going to progress and get worse and worse. It takes away my hope. I feel so lonely and I just cant take much more, I feel im going to have a nervous breakdown. Im stuck. I cant leave. I have to live with it.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
Big hugs to you!
I believe one's ability to be 'happy' in a relationship with an active alcoholic directly corresponds to one's willingness to give up their dreams, hopes, and needs. If you can become a shell of a person -- no feelings, no desires, nothing....then remaining with an alcoholic is doable.
I remember when I first heard that I didn't have to leave my alcoholic. I was so relieved. Afterall, I didn't want to leave him either...I just wanted him to 'get well', sober up...and love me.
I spent the next 20 years trying everything in my power and beyond to get help for him, to 'cure' him, to make life better. I drug him to counselors, AA, held an intervention with a professional, shipped him off to another state for detox and rehab, spent tons of money and cried countless tears....I begged, pleaded, yelled and screamed, threatened to leave, did leave, came back, told his family, told my family, stopped keeping his secret, stopped protecting him from the consequences of his drunken behavior, on and on. It didn't work. Why? Because he didn't want to get sober. He didn't want to give up the bottle.
Meanwhile, I gradually lost my youth, my passion for life, my dreams, my hopes, my desires....In the end, the only thing I looked forward to in life was my own death.
I continued for many years trying to exist in the craziness produced by an active alcoholic. I wanted so desperately to not allow his choice to drink to effect me. I tried pretending nothing was wrong. I became a shell of a person. I watched alcohol turn him into a shell of a person I once knew, too.
It was excrutiatingly painful and sad. I would wonder what he'd allowed himself to become? How could he do that to himself, to us?? And then, many years later, I began wondering the same about myself, asking myself the question: What have I allowed myself to become?? I was empty.
The years of living in chaos and panic and loneliness had taken their toll on me.
There were brief interudes during the last 20 years of 'hope'. He would stay sober sometimes for 2 weeks at a time, or he would make spotty appearances at AA, he agreed and attended detox /rehab, he would say he wanted to get sober, etc. I would buy into it all because his sobriety was all I ever wanted. I was certain if only he could 'get sober' we had a chance at being a normal couple, and being 'happy'. It never happened.
I now know it never will, and even if it did, it's way too late for me with him. The damage is irrepairable and the effects far-reaching.
I deserved better than the life I've had with him. You deserve better, too.
Keep talking, posting and reaching out to others. You don't have to accept UNACCEPTABLE behavior. You don't have to forsake your dreams in life in order to be happy.
Many say and I believe that it's impossible to have a relationship with an active alcoholic because they're already in a relationship with the bottle.
Please seriously consider leaving for your own sake.
Peace to you~
Godhelpme
I believe one's ability to be 'happy' in a relationship with an active alcoholic directly corresponds to one's willingness to give up their dreams, hopes, and needs. If you can become a shell of a person -- no feelings, no desires, nothing....then remaining with an alcoholic is doable.
I remember when I first heard that I didn't have to leave my alcoholic. I was so relieved. Afterall, I didn't want to leave him either...I just wanted him to 'get well', sober up...and love me.
I spent the next 20 years trying everything in my power and beyond to get help for him, to 'cure' him, to make life better. I drug him to counselors, AA, held an intervention with a professional, shipped him off to another state for detox and rehab, spent tons of money and cried countless tears....I begged, pleaded, yelled and screamed, threatened to leave, did leave, came back, told his family, told my family, stopped keeping his secret, stopped protecting him from the consequences of his drunken behavior, on and on. It didn't work. Why? Because he didn't want to get sober. He didn't want to give up the bottle.
Meanwhile, I gradually lost my youth, my passion for life, my dreams, my hopes, my desires....In the end, the only thing I looked forward to in life was my own death.
I continued for many years trying to exist in the craziness produced by an active alcoholic. I wanted so desperately to not allow his choice to drink to effect me. I tried pretending nothing was wrong. I became a shell of a person. I watched alcohol turn him into a shell of a person I once knew, too.
It was excrutiatingly painful and sad. I would wonder what he'd allowed himself to become? How could he do that to himself, to us?? And then, many years later, I began wondering the same about myself, asking myself the question: What have I allowed myself to become?? I was empty.
The years of living in chaos and panic and loneliness had taken their toll on me.
There were brief interudes during the last 20 years of 'hope'. He would stay sober sometimes for 2 weeks at a time, or he would make spotty appearances at AA, he agreed and attended detox /rehab, he would say he wanted to get sober, etc. I would buy into it all because his sobriety was all I ever wanted. I was certain if only he could 'get sober' we had a chance at being a normal couple, and being 'happy'. It never happened.
I now know it never will, and even if it did, it's way too late for me with him. The damage is irrepairable and the effects far-reaching.
I deserved better than the life I've had with him. You deserve better, too.
Keep talking, posting and reaching out to others. You don't have to accept UNACCEPTABLE behavior. You don't have to forsake your dreams in life in order to be happy.
Many say and I believe that it's impossible to have a relationship with an active alcoholic because they're already in a relationship with the bottle.
Please seriously consider leaving for your own sake.
Peace to you~
Godhelpme
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Hi.
Just to let you know I know how you feel.
I'm in that exact same position and Janitw is correct....
the only thing you can do is detach yourself, take care of yourself and protect yourself and you'll be ok..
My ABF left on Christmas eve and it was a lonely feeling but I had my family and friends to support me which is essential and my salvation.
For the moment my situation doesn't get better....it seems to get worse the more he thinks he can do it on his own and he can't.
Be good
find peace
susan
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Godhelpme 
Big hugs to you!
I believe one's ability to be 'happy' in a relationship with an active alcoholic directly corresponds to one's willingness to give up their dreams, hopes, and needs. If you can become a shell of a person -- no feelings, no desires, nothing....then remaining with an alcoholic is doable.
I remember when I first heard that I didn't have to leave my alcoholic. I was so relieved. Afterall, I didn't want to leave him either...I just wanted him to 'get well', sober up...and love me.
I spent the next 20 years trying everything in my power and beyond to get help for him, to 'cure' him, to make life better. I drug him to counselors, AA, held an intervention with a professional, shipped him off to another state for detox and rehab, spent tons of money and cried countless tears....I begged, pleaded, yelled and screamed, threatened to leave, did leave, came back, told his family, told my family, stopped keeping his secret, stopped protecting him from the consequences of his drunken behavior, on and on. It didn't work. Why? Because he didn't want to get sober. He didn't want to give up the bottle.
Meanwhile, I gradually lost my youth, my passion for life, my dreams, my hopes, my desires....In the end, the only thing I looked forward to in life was my own death.
I continued for many years trying to exist in the craziness produced by an active alcoholic. I wanted so desperately to not allow his choice to drink to effect me. I tried pretending nothing was wrong. I became a shell of a person. I watched alcohol turn him into a shell of a person I once knew, too.
It was excrutiatingly painful and sad. I would wonder what he'd allowed himself to become? How could he do that to himself, to us?? And then, many years later, I began wondering the same about myself, asking myself the question: What have I allowed myself to become?? I was empty.
The years of living in chaos and panic and loneliness had taken their toll on me.
There were brief interudes during the last 20 years of 'hope'. He would stay sober sometimes for 2 weeks at a time, or he would make spotty appearances at AA, he agreed and attended detox /rehab, he would say he wanted to get sober, etc. I would buy into it all because his sobriety was all I ever wanted. I was certain if only he could 'get sober' we had a chance at being a normal couple, and being 'happy'. It never happened.
I now know it never will, and even if it did, it's way too late for me with him. The damage is irrepairable and the effects far-reaching.
I deserved better than the life I've had with him. You deserve better, too.
Keep talking, posting and reaching out to others. You don't have to accept UNACCEPTABLE behavior. You don't have to forsake your dreams in life in order to be happy.
Many say and I believe that it's impossible to have a relationship with an active alcoholic because they're already in a relationship with the bottle.
Please seriously consider leaving for your own sake.
Peace to you~
Godhelpme
I believe one's ability to be 'happy' in a relationship with an active alcoholic directly corresponds to one's willingness to give up their dreams, hopes, and needs. If you can become a shell of a person -- no feelings, no desires, nothing....then remaining with an alcoholic is doable.
I remember when I first heard that I didn't have to leave my alcoholic. I was so relieved. Afterall, I didn't want to leave him either...I just wanted him to 'get well', sober up...and love me.
I spent the next 20 years trying everything in my power and beyond to get help for him, to 'cure' him, to make life better. I drug him to counselors, AA, held an intervention with a professional, shipped him off to another state for detox and rehab, spent tons of money and cried countless tears....I begged, pleaded, yelled and screamed, threatened to leave, did leave, came back, told his family, told my family, stopped keeping his secret, stopped protecting him from the consequences of his drunken behavior, on and on. It didn't work. Why? Because he didn't want to get sober. He didn't want to give up the bottle.
Meanwhile, I gradually lost my youth, my passion for life, my dreams, my hopes, my desires....In the end, the only thing I looked forward to in life was my own death.
I continued for many years trying to exist in the craziness produced by an active alcoholic. I wanted so desperately to not allow his choice to drink to effect me. I tried pretending nothing was wrong. I became a shell of a person. I watched alcohol turn him into a shell of a person I once knew, too.
It was excrutiatingly painful and sad. I would wonder what he'd allowed himself to become? How could he do that to himself, to us?? And then, many years later, I began wondering the same about myself, asking myself the question: What have I allowed myself to become?? I was empty.
The years of living in chaos and panic and loneliness had taken their toll on me.
There were brief interudes during the last 20 years of 'hope'. He would stay sober sometimes for 2 weeks at a time, or he would make spotty appearances at AA, he agreed and attended detox /rehab, he would say he wanted to get sober, etc. I would buy into it all because his sobriety was all I ever wanted. I was certain if only he could 'get sober' we had a chance at being a normal couple, and being 'happy'. It never happened.
I now know it never will, and even if it did, it's way too late for me with him. The damage is irrepairable and the effects far-reaching.
I deserved better than the life I've had with him. You deserve better, too.
Keep talking, posting and reaching out to others. You don't have to accept UNACCEPTABLE behavior. You don't have to forsake your dreams in life in order to be happy.
Many say and I believe that it's impossible to have a relationship with an active alcoholic because they're already in a relationship with the bottle.
Please seriously consider leaving for your own sake.
Peace to you~
Godhelpme
Wow that was so well written it really spoke to me.
maybe one day i'll find my own sanity and get out.
"what have I allowed myself to become????" and for me, why do i allow this to continue????
could not have been said better...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
For me, I was not and could not be happy living with an "A"...I deserved better
and knew he would never provide me with the type of enviorment I could flourish in.
I don't know why you are stuck, but, there is always a way out if that is what you want.
Dolly
and knew he would never provide me with the type of enviorment I could flourish in.
I don't know why you are stuck, but, there is always a way out if that is what you want.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'm doing it now. I had to learn how. I used to be a very diferent person. I am very centered now. My husband drinks at least a 12 pack every single day. I share the sober parts of his day, his patterns of drinking are predictable. I can honestly say that his choice to drink is his choice, not mine. He is an incredible man sober and a flaming jackass when he's drunk. Totally obnoxious. It al started with me realizing that I was becoming a miserable culmination of the worst things that had ever happened to me. I now refuse. I will not allow circumstances or the behavior of anyone but me determine who I am. I have found my center and I will stand on it. That does not make me hateful or rigid. That's not a part of my center. Yes. You absolutely can live with him and be very happy. Your happiness comes from a different place, an inner place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I would draw a circle. Inside the circle write all the things you want to be, character traits, financial status, who your friends are, hobbies, all the things you aspire to. Pray over this circle and if it isn't in the circle, get rid of it. Is it the husband you wanted that makes you so unhappy or the failure as a wife you feel? He has a disease, many women have to modify their lives around a husband who has a disease such as diabetes or cancer, an amputation, mental illness etc. They can find happiness too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: The South
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by kindredSpiritGr
Hi everyone. Im new to this. I started my first post last week. Mallowcup, you said that I dont have to leave. That I can stay with my AH and learn skills to take care of myself and be happy. Is that true? Can you? Has anyone here done that? This is why I ask.. Last night my AH was on the phone and I overheard him say he would be there tomorrow night. When he got off the phone I asked him if he was going out tomorrow night and he said maybe (which means yes). Well, I started crying, I couldnt help it. The lonliness just instantly slammed me. I told him I didnt want him to go. He got mad and instead of going tomorrow night he left last night, and I ended up being alone a night earlier (actually it will be more than one night its usually a two day thing). I know from this website and reading ive done that Im not soppose to react, but damn! I cant leave yet. I want to be able to leave so deserately but I love him and I cant yet. So mallowcup your post gave me a lifeline to hold on to. Is it true? Have any of you stayed and been able to be happy?
I've stayed in my marriage to my husband Christopher who is an alcoholic. I have bad days sometimes, but I can sit here and honestly say that I would not be happy without my husband in my life. I figure no marriage is perfect and if the only real issues we have are caused by my husband's drinking, and I'm learning how to deal with that, then I am going to stay. My circumstances are not like yours. I'm not lonely, (Even when he's away which he is right now, but not by choice. He's away to start a new job and going through job training), he doesn't up and just leave ever, we enjoy each other's company. He's not abusive, drunk or sober, we have a loving intimate relationship, we are close and I trust him completely. However, he is an alcoholic. I have weighed the pros and cons on my own and with him, and the pros definitely outweigh the cons. This is my situation. Your situation is unique to you. Weigh the pros and cons, see what you come up and make decisions from there.
So, yes, I do believe it can be done, but you do need to learn how to handle your husband's problem. Meaning, remember it's his problem and don't try and make it yours as well. A lot of the members of this forum speak very highly of Al-Anon. I've never been, it's not exactly my style, but I do visit here and I have learned over the years how not to make certain mistakes.
I wanted to say that I don't agree with Godhelpme's statement:
"I believe one's ability to be 'happy' in a relationship with an active alcoholic directly corresponds to one's willingness to give up their dreams, hopes, and needs. If you can become a shell of a person -- no feelings, no desires, nothing....then remaining with an alcoholic is doable."
I have been with my husband for almost 17 years (married for 13) and I have not given up my hopes, dreams, and needs. I have plenty of feelings and desires. I think it helps that my husband has the same hopes, dreams, needs, feelings, and desires as I do. If the situation were different. If I truly had to give up my individuality and had to live with a man who had no feelings or warmth for me...then staying would not be an option. If the ONLY thing he cared about was the bottle then I would have no choice but to leave. My husband knows he has a problem and is doing his best to battle his demons.
However, I do agree with Godhelpme's statment:
"You don't have to accept UNACCEPTABLE behavior."
Learn to set boundaries. It's some of the best advice I can give you.
Take care of yourself.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I wasn't happy living with an alcoholic. In fact, I was miserable. I believe learning to live with someone who checks out every night with a 12-pack (especially one who becomes a flaming jack-ass when he's drinking) is settling for far less than you deserve.
Can you learn to modify your behavior and make sacrifices to continue a relationship with an active addict? Sure you can. But why anyone would be willing to settle for less than they deserve is beyond me.
Can you learn to modify your behavior and make sacrifices to continue a relationship with an active addict? Sure you can. But why anyone would be willing to settle for less than they deserve is beyond me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
I wasn't happy living with an alcoholic. In fact, I was miserable. I believe learning to live with someone who checks out every night with a 12-pack (especially one who becomes a flaming jack-ass when he's drinking) is settling for far less than you deserve.
Can you learn to modify your behavior and make sacrifices to continue a relationship with an active addict? Sure you can. But why anyone would be willing to settle for less than they deserve is beyond me.
Can you learn to modify your behavior and make sacrifices to continue a relationship with an active addict? Sure you can. But why anyone would be willing to settle for less than they deserve is beyond me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading on this subject.
While I agree we all deserve better and shouldn't put up with anything else
and I've also been thinking about this detaching thing too.
I've read somewhere in another thread that when you detach yourself you become cold, distant and unfeeling. In some ways in dealing with my ABF I find myself feeling that way. If you are going to stay in a relationship like this you should be avoiding feeling cold and shut down. I don't know how its possible.
I know one day I'll make the right decision. My excuse is I'm in a financial bind right now but I am tired of the drama. I want him to take responsibility and leave and to stop asking me what to do. His focusing on me is getting insane. I've never heard such denial.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think learning how to detach and developing coping mechanisms to keep your home peaceful while you get your finances in order, or get a job, or obtain a degree, or find a new place to live, etc. are fine ideas. But they should only be temporary measures. Otherwise, you're still settling for far less than you deserve.
We only get one chance at life. Why spend years of it being miserable or settling for less than we deserve?
We only get one chance at life. Why spend years of it being miserable or settling for less than we deserve?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Each one of us can only speak for ourselves. None of us can tell another how to live their life. The addict in my life sure tried, and I sure don't want to hear that from anybody else.
We will all respect each other's choices, and kindly refrain from trying to control and direct another's recovery by telling them what they should or should not do.
Mike
We will all respect each other's choices, and kindly refrain from trying to control and direct another's recovery by telling them what they should or should not do.
Mike
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by minuet
I've read somewhere in another thread that when you detach yourself you become cold, distant and unfeeling. In some ways in dealing with my ABF I find myself feeling that way. If you are going to stay in a relationship like this you should be avoiding feeling cold and shut down. I don't know how its possible.
In the end, I am getting divorced. Eighteen months ago that was not my thinking or choice. My thinking changed, in part because I was able to see my own life more clearly by detaching from his problem with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Actually, I think detachment boils down to us taking the focus off what the alcoholic is doing and what we think he or she is doing TO US. We have to accept who we are, the role we have played in the addiction drama, and then decide if we can or cannot live with an active alcoholic. Detachment is not about not caring or being cold and unfeeling; it's about taking care of our own business and tending our own garden.
Personally, I can't live with the A in my life, which is why I am steadfast in my promise to leave in 2007. I've watched my AH's health, looks, memory, etc., go down the tubes. There are people who can live with an alcoholic spouse. There are people who cannot. I fall into the second category.
All I have left is a polite stranger when he's sober; detached, polite, and indifferent. When he's drunk, he's either obnoxious or looks so awful (slack jaw, drooling) that I have to leave the house. No thanks, not for me!
Personally, I can't live with the A in my life, which is why I am steadfast in my promise to leave in 2007. I've watched my AH's health, looks, memory, etc., go down the tubes. There are people who can live with an alcoholic spouse. There are people who cannot. I fall into the second category.
All I have left is a polite stranger when he's sober; detached, polite, and indifferent. When he's drunk, he's either obnoxious or looks so awful (slack jaw, drooling) that I have to leave the house. No thanks, not for me!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
there are many women in my al-anon group that are still living with their husbands who are still drinking. they have chosen to stay and change their own lives. they seem happy enough to me, but they don't dare miss a meeting cause they need the support.
i simply could not make it work for me....my x was not only an alcoholic but became abusive and had many other problems besides alcoholism.
i had a very hard time accepting that his behaviors were caused by alcoholsim.....i became very emotionally and physically ill from living in that sort of life and had to end the marriage. it was not easy.
jeri
i simply could not make it work for me....my x was not only an alcoholic but became abusive and had many other problems besides alcoholism.
i had a very hard time accepting that his behaviors were caused by alcoholsim.....i became very emotionally and physically ill from living in that sort of life and had to end the marriage. it was not easy.
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
My AH drank 12-18 /day. He lost his job. Couldn't hold a job. Couldn't apply for a job. And yet he needed to get in his 12 -18 / day + cigs.
When I cut him off from the checkbook, credit cards etc. (because I couldn't pay the utility bill, house payment, etc with what he was spending) He began borrowing money from his friends and then I would get pressured by his friends to make good on his debt.
He (I think) started filling his friend's cars up with gas on our charge at the local gas station, and then getting cash from his friends so he could buy beer. (And then I had to pay the gas bill). How else could there be a daily charge for gas - when he didn't go anywhere, didn't have a job. He took cans back (we live in a state with 5cent deposit), to get money. Started selling things to get money (ie. his welder).
The kids and I spent 2 nights in a wonderful shelter while we were trying to get him some help and to keep us safe. The shelter would have let us stay for a good month and help us with anything else we needed too, but we just needed to be away - from the harrassment, and verbal abuse for money.
But I truly don't think $, or the lack there of, should be the determining factor. I knew when I'd had enough. Although I probably still love him, I still want the best for him, I can't afford him.
My financial situation is not good.
Child support was set temporarily at $100/month for 3 kids. What a joke. Since he's been gone my utility bill is nearly half what it was. If I could get his truck insurance and cell phone off my bill - there would even be less I'd have to pay.
But somehow, things come thru.
My children & I were adopted by a local church - so Christmas was wonderful. One of the places I work gave me $35 gift card. My parents are more willing to help me now. Some how things work out.
The best thing though, there's no arguing in the house, I'm sleeping at night because I don't have the stress of where is he? or dealing with his insane sleep schedule (up at 3 a.m. needing alcohol or to talk). I WANT to come home after work, not worried what I'm going to find when I get home (like the oven on fire from a burnt pizza) as he's eating his supper at 3 p.m. or 10 p.m.).
The kids are in counseling, I probably should be too - but I worry the most for them - what they've lived with all their lives. The counselor says they fit perfect into the characteristics of alcoholic children. I hope they learn what not to do.
As for being alone, maybe it's just me, but right now I'm not feeling alone at all. On occasion, I wish there was someone to help me light the furnace or change the door locks, fix something - but I just learn to rely on myself. I like it here.
When I cut him off from the checkbook, credit cards etc. (because I couldn't pay the utility bill, house payment, etc with what he was spending) He began borrowing money from his friends and then I would get pressured by his friends to make good on his debt.
He (I think) started filling his friend's cars up with gas on our charge at the local gas station, and then getting cash from his friends so he could buy beer. (And then I had to pay the gas bill). How else could there be a daily charge for gas - when he didn't go anywhere, didn't have a job. He took cans back (we live in a state with 5cent deposit), to get money. Started selling things to get money (ie. his welder).
The kids and I spent 2 nights in a wonderful shelter while we were trying to get him some help and to keep us safe. The shelter would have let us stay for a good month and help us with anything else we needed too, but we just needed to be away - from the harrassment, and verbal abuse for money.
But I truly don't think $, or the lack there of, should be the determining factor. I knew when I'd had enough. Although I probably still love him, I still want the best for him, I can't afford him.
My financial situation is not good.
Child support was set temporarily at $100/month for 3 kids. What a joke. Since he's been gone my utility bill is nearly half what it was. If I could get his truck insurance and cell phone off my bill - there would even be less I'd have to pay.
But somehow, things come thru.
My children & I were adopted by a local church - so Christmas was wonderful. One of the places I work gave me $35 gift card. My parents are more willing to help me now. Some how things work out.
The best thing though, there's no arguing in the house, I'm sleeping at night because I don't have the stress of where is he? or dealing with his insane sleep schedule (up at 3 a.m. needing alcohol or to talk). I WANT to come home after work, not worried what I'm going to find when I get home (like the oven on fire from a burnt pizza) as he's eating his supper at 3 p.m. or 10 p.m.).
The kids are in counseling, I probably should be too - but I worry the most for them - what they've lived with all their lives. The counselor says they fit perfect into the characteristics of alcoholic children. I hope they learn what not to do.
As for being alone, maybe it's just me, but right now I'm not feeling alone at all. On occasion, I wish there was someone to help me light the furnace or change the door locks, fix something - but I just learn to rely on myself. I like it here.
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