GirlInterrupted

Okay...it's kinda long (sorry)

Last night I was on the phone with my Aex-bf, I asked him if we were still going to keep our plans for new years even ((even thought I know he would break them because he has broken every single plan we have ever had since we started dating, then blames it on me)). Apparently He was angry at me for being frustrated, so i said, "listen, i am not upset. This is just another promise broken by you && i know now i should have never trusted you when you weren't capable of being trusted" He said "i told you that..." like it was nothing. The truth is he didn't tell me that. When i would tell him I couldn't trust him he would cry and begg for me to trust him && to forgive him for hurting me. **obviously there was always a part of me that new he was going to hurt me** he would put every promise he made to me on his grandma's grave and make me feel like THE WORST PERSON alive because i couldn't bring myself to trust him. As a result for the longest time, i thought it was because i was so cynical && a pathetic person that i couldn't trust him and in turn i was ruining -us-... I then said "you said i was the best thing that ever happen to you, and now you are loosing that" He said "you aren't the best thing that ever happen to me, that would be alcohol" An exsact response i would exspect from an alcoholic. I said "You need help, you never deserved me. You are just like my step-dad && my real dad && after all the stuff i have been through in my life I never thought you would be the one to hurt me more then all of them put together. Just know i loved you && you have lost that because of your selfishness. Get help. Goodbye."

I almost started crying && then something like and invisable brick hit me right in the back of the head. I realized no matter what his issues are that does not give him the RIGHT or an EXSCUSE to hurt me. And it's up to me to stop it. I refuse to speak to him now. I am changing my phone number. I know after the holidays he will be back ((last year he refused to call me during the hoidays && then went to jail for a drinking && driving && then when i broke up with him he got all depressed && stuff and got me to take him back. He didnt even show up on xmas till i was almost asleep at 11pm)) And when he comes back i need to be in a state of mind where i can reject him no matter how many times he cries and begs and threatens. Because I am DONE!! Done with him && all his drama && all his abuse. And one day, if he decides to get help i am going to be there for him, but as a friend NOT a gf. It would take him YEARS to make up for all he has done.. and i dont have years I want to give to him. It hurts knowing i won't have my "safety-net" ((him)) but at the same time i need to learn to be my own safety net.

I need to find myself && the person i know God wants me to be. Before i met my Aex-bf i use to do things i enjoyed. Hang out with my freinds, volinteer at the hospital with the babies who were born to drug addicted parents && had no where to go so they would have people come in and hold them to keep them growing properly. He eventually took it all away, well i let him. He made me feel bad when i hung out with my friends && refused to bring me to the hospital to volinteer && would get mad if i got aother ride. He even got mad when i went out with my mom!! && she is my BEST BEST FRIEND. There isn't a person in the world who doesn't want to be loved, and i know the craving for love got in the way of my judgement of what love accually is. I think it's time now that i find what loving myself is like and from there trulley learning how to love someone else correctly.

Now that i have gotten that out i have a question for all of you...


Anorexia, and any other eating disorder, is a disease -> Just like acoholism or drug abuse. It is also an addiction just like both of those *if your not sure why just ask me*. Acoholics && drug addicts tend to be very violent, people with eating disorders tend to be cynical and some what cold hearted when it comes to people wanting to "help" us. They also tend to blame themselves for anything and everything. So my queston is, are people with eating disorders just as mean and cruel as acoholics can be, but don't even realise it, just like them. Should i be discusted with myself just like i am discusted with an abusive acoholic husband? What makes me so different from them?

sketscher

goodness you sound just like me last night.

((((()))))

Don't be disgusted with yourself. You are here on this forum. You are taking responsibilty for your actions. You have an addiction. You need to address that. You have done nothing wrong to him but love a person incappable of loving himself. Hurting people hurt people.

Trust me I know just where you are coming from today.

I had a blowout with my xabf last night. (see my post). About 10 minutes ago I began to worry that what I did last night must have really shook him because he hasn't called and started I worried for his safety.

But then I remembered that he was 10 times meaner to me and I'm relatively fine today. I mean I am not suicidal and he doesn't have that power over me. I certainly don't have that power over him!

Point is say whatever you say to an addict and it seems to only accomplish one thing, another day of the addiction. You know from your own addiction that nothing anyone says to you will stop you. ONly you have that power, to seek out help and stop yourself from your own demons.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Nuudawn

Ya know, I truly believe that we attract those in our lives who mirror our greatest issue. Alcoholism...addiction...anorexia...all have roots in some sort of loathing of ourselves. I am both an alcoholic and a co-dependent. And right now, although I recognize that my exAbf is hurting and in the same hell I am...I chose to do something about my own self loathing 3 weeks ago today when I stopped drinking and sought out help. My issues...my "roots" are so buggered up...I am so emotionally atrophied that the only person...the only issues I can deal with are my own. It's gonna take everything I got to learn how to care for myself. My relationship with myself and my Spirit/God/HP is all I can deal with this new year.

I wish you well my friend...it you you must love.
T.

mallowcup

I don't think anyone with an eating disorder is thinking rationally as evidenced by their ineffective and actually destructive coping. One might go so far as to say, " You ask if you should hate yourself, feel digusted with yourself. Doesnt' that just validate the eating disorder?" I think you would benefit from counceling. I think he would benefit from counceling. You both have ineffective coping skills and you both defend the way you cope, yet.....you both seem disgusted with each other. sort of like the pot calling the kettle black. Neither of you seems to look at your own issues with the same degree to you look at each others. All I'm saying is that people who have ineffective or destructive coping sometimes tend to be extrememly convicted when they can be very very wrong. Do you object to couceling? I would sever all contact, the conversations that are happening now are very unbecoming to both of you.

GirlInterrupted

sketscher:: I know all too well how you feel. Right now, no matter how mean he was to me last night i keep thinking "does he hate me? is he okay?" && if i think hard enough about it i know he isn't okay. He is with his dad getting high && drunk && probally has a hangover this morning. And to me thats not the deffinition of being okay. But i know at this moment as well the only thing I can do is live MY life. Because no matter my issues or his he has no right to treat me like i am dirt.


Nuudawn:: For me to get to the other side of this it will take eveyrthing i have aswell. It just hurts cause i gave everything i had to -him- and that didn't do any good for him, so will it be good enough for me?


mallowcup:: I never thought of this, but me and my Aex-bf could have not been in love, but been looking into a mirror ((when it came to our faults)) when we looked at eachother. && we both could have been trying to make the other person better without realising that we couldn't evern make ourselves better. For me, when i met him i thought i much be in COMPLETE love with him because I replaced my -addiction- ((my ED)) with him.

The things i say to him may be unbecoming, but before i stopped contact i needed him to know how i felt and what he was doing. So that when he sobers up one day he'll know.

I don't object to cousiling, but i have been to sooo many doctors, and they either feed me pills or just DON'T get me and i am tired of that.

denny57

But for now it's HIS definitation of being okay.


"It just hurts cause i gave everything i had to -him- and that didn't do any good for him, so will it be good enough for me?"

Yes, it will, if you truly want it.


"The things i say to him may be unbecoming, but before i stopped contact i needed him to know how i felt and what he was doing. So that when he sobers up one day he'll know."

I thought that, too. Chances are excellent that this morning he does not remember a word you said. When I accepted that I may never have AH understand the way I wish he would, my whole world and the way I look at it changed. For the better, BTW.

"I don't object to cousiling, but i have been to sooo many doctors, and they either feed me pills or just DON'T get me and i am tired of that."

Keep trying. There are good counselors out there who will not prescribe pills if you don't want them; and who will understand. I found an excellent one. How about making that your project for the next week? Making phone calls, surfing the net, finding a counselor that deals with eating disorders. I promise you, it will be worth it. Because you are worth it.

Take care.

mallowcup

I' d just like to suggest that maybe you feel that a number or councelors and therapists, don't get you because they don't tell you what you want to hear. I'm not a therapist but I see your posts recurrently go in big circles where you state you have a problem. Then you go on to state that you need to and want to change, then you go on to explain why you can't. All I'm suggesting is that sometimes it's easier to reduce councelors advice to misundestanding or them "not getting you" than considering that maybe they are not going to validate the way you cope. I sense you are looking for a therapist who says, I agree with you. Validating the way you feel is one thing. That does not extend to them being in agreement with the way you handle the way you feel. When you and your boyfriend "dance" and slice each other up, Neither of you feels the need to change because you distract from yourselves by wagging a finger at the other. I hope you find a therapist that gets you, but I can't tell you what you want to hear. If you have an eating disorder, this is where your focus and priority needs to be, By addressing your own issues, many of the other issues will fall into place. Can you share with us some examples specifically of how the therapists "don't get you?"

GirlInterrupted

denny57:: I know thats HIS deffinition of being okay. Thats the point i was trying to make. I worry about him KNOWING what he is really doing. I know he is not okay but he doesn't want to fix that so i cant do anything about it from here on out.

"Chances are excellent that this morning he does not remember a word you said."

That's why I wrote it all down for him =]

"How about making that your project for the next week? Making phone calls, surfing the net, finding a counselor that deals with eating disorders."

I am going to have to make that project number to. I begin a new class this week && I am veryyyy dedicated to only getting the best of grades. I am not sure i WANT to get rid of it. I mean i am not underweight at the moment so i sould be okay for now.


Mallowcup:: "I' d just like to suggest that maybe you feel that a number or councelors and therapists, don't get you because they don't tell you what you want to hear. I'm not a therapist but I see your posts recurrently go in big circles where you state you have a problem. Then you go on to state that you need to and want to change, then you go on to explain why you can't. All I'm suggesting is that sometimes it's easier to reduce councelors advice to misundestanding or them "not getting you" than considering that maybe they are not going to validate the way you cope. I sense you are looking for a therapist who says, I agree with you."

Accually that isn't the case at all. I mean, why would i go to a councelor for "help" with my "issues" just for them to tell me what i am doing is fine. What makes me feel like they DON'T get me is when i tell them certain ways i cope they say "well i think you are doing it for this reason..." or "well i believe you have this problem..." when i only talked to them for 15 minutes. I understand they may eventually tell me there is something wrong with me, but they JUST met me, there is know way they can know me.

I am not saying i can't fix the problem. But i do feel very hopeless in this situation right now. Like i know where to begin (finding books and meetings & doctors) but i am not sure where to start mentally.


"When you and your boyfriend "dance" and slice each other up, Neither of you feels the need to change because you distract from yourselves by wagging a finger at the other."

Accually, i felt i needed to change for him very very very much. I wanted to be 'perfect' for him. I tried everything and anything. Even eating && not puking ((and its not as easy as it sounds. I would start and stop and start and stop all the time - and either way i was hurting because when i do eat my body reacts really wierd to food. which is one of the reasons i dont like eating.))

denny57

Well, looks like you've got a good handle on it, then. It's true, what do counselor's know after only 15 minutes? Might be human nature, which they are trained to understand, but hey! god knows I was handling my life really, really great before I started therapy LOL.

Keep us posted.

p.s. Oh yeah, he still doesn't care whether you wrote it down or blazed it across the sky.

Done_With_It

<<<<<Now that i have gotten that out i have a question for all of you...


Anorexia, and any other eating disorder, is a disease -> Just like acoholism or drug abuse. It is also an addiction just like both of those *if your not sure why just ask me*. Acoholics && drug addicts tend to be very violent, people with eating disorders tend to be cynical and some what cold hearted when it comes to people wanting to "help" us. They also tend to blame themselves for anything and everything. So my queston is, are people with eating disorders just as mean and cruel as acoholics can be, but don't even realise it, just like them. Should i be discusted with myself just like i am discusted with an abusive acoholic husband? What makes me so different from them?>>>>



My question to you is, and I don't mean this harsh or mean, but why are you asking a message board? You mentioned something about therapy and 15 minutes, of course no one knows you in 15 minutes. It takes months, years to get anywhere. It's much safer to come here and ask us, and have us tell you, No of course not you shouldn't be disgusted with yourself.
And I can tell you that is most likely what 100% of think and what we will tell you, but it doesn't make a bit of difference what we think.

What matters is what is deep inside of you, what you think, what does the little girl inside of you think, and what does the girl who starves herself think. I've been there, and am still struggling, but I will tell you the only thing that saved my life was going into treatment, and I'm not saying for you to do that, but I'm saying I had no idea of the kind of work I was in for.

There are reasons why you let this guy treat you like this, why you let him change your life so drastically, reasons why you starve, purge, etc.
You have to get to them and find out why. That is where therapy is going to help you, if you don't like one, find someone you do like. Find someone who specializes in e.d's someone's who has had an e.d. and i guarantee you, You are not going to like her much of the time. It's hard to like someone who is making you deal with your sh1t. But in the end it's one of them whose going to help you give you your life back..

I'll get off my soapbox now, but as you said e.d's are just as bad as drugs.

And I have lost too many friends to e.d.s eventually it will kill you, and You are worth much more than being hostage to your eating disorder.....

DWI

PS... This looks so much worse without being able to use colors or smileys!!

mallowcup

Didn't you say that you have anorexia? I would not have to speak with you for even 15 mintues to tell you I think that you have a problem. I would see before me a person who is deathly thin, defending it and offended for me bringing it up. If I dared mention something right there in my face, You would reduce me to being a quack? No one is perfect. That is another truth. What if you made a real tough decision to go to a therapist for 6 visits no matter how you felt just in case there was a 1% chance they may have something to say that might help you. You can only change you. Since you have no faith in councelors or therapists, can you name 10 things you will do differently in the new year that will bring about poisitive change in your life?

dogandbooklover

GI - It sounds like you've made some good decisions regarding your ABF. Stick to your guns!

Now, moving on to the anorexia topic. I'm going to state that I believe that anorexia is a disease, a mental condition, I don't feel the same way about alcoholism. Alcoholism is a choice. (Not everyone's opinion, I know) Now, having said that, there really is no reason to be disgusted with yourself because you have anorexia. Just like an alcoholic doesn't necessarily have to be disgusted with himself because of his problem. It's the symptoms that are disgusting. Does that make sense? I have the feeling that you aren't abusive to others simply because you have this condition. I'm sure that you know you are abusing yourself, but I can tell you that anorexia can be beaten. I suffered from anorexia for many years. It normally goes right along with depression. It can be treated and beaten with therapy and medication. You just have to take the right steps. It's not something I normally talk about or even think about, but when you mentioned it I felt I ought to answer. Get help for yourself. It's wonderful if you have a support system, but it really is up to you. In your situation, I would say that your BF needs to take care of himself and you need to take care of yourself. It can be done.

dogandbooklover

GI - One other thing:

Even eating && not puking ((and its not as easy as it sounds. I would start and stop and start and stop all the time - and either way i was hurting because when i do eat my body reacts really wierd to food. which is one of the reasons i dont like eating.))

Your body reacts really weird to food because of all the abuse you've put it through. Like when someone is extremely thirsty and thay drink so much water they end up vomiting it up. Not on purpose but because they drank too much too fast. I'm not saying that you eat too quickly (though you might) I'm saying that your body has been damaged and you can learn to eat in a healthy way. You obviously need to find a therapist/psychiatrist/counselor/whatever who you are comfortable with. And I wouldn't jump up and run when someone says that you have a problem. You know you have a problem so it shouldn't be hard for you to see that others will see the problem as well. As much as anorectics like to think they are fooling people, believe me, they aren't. Especially not people trained to recognize problems such as anorexia.

Grasshopper

Hi Girl,its ok that you feel that councelors and or therapists,dont get you.Your ok to think and feel this way.Many think/feel similar also,so youre not alone.A good councelor/therapists will tell you,that if you can find a trusted friend to talk,with,share with,that this in and off itself is helpful.Many folks who go to both AA,Al-anon,and any other recovery program,do not go for counceling for the very reason that you dont.They dont want to be medicated.Its up to you.Its not a have to do thing.Its your decision.
Suggestion if i may---find a recovery program for your issues.Those who have travelled a similar path as your own and found recovery.
For myself personally,i have done this.I go to both AA/Al-Anon.
And personally for me also,all my issues have had,and have spiritual solutions.Not only menatal issues are involved in addiction.its a spititual disease also.Mental,phyical and spiritual,for myself.

GirlInterrupted

Done-With-It:: "and I don't mean this harsh or mean, but why are you asking a message board?"

I am asking a message board because if i go to a doctor and ask they will sugar coat thier answers, you all won't. Plus, If someone else who is addicted
to something besides me reads this they can give me there answer from a different point of view...because I am looking at this from MY point of view and being so angry at him for his addiction. But what would another addict think of mine? I know what others think doesn't matter i am just wondering if my "addiction" is as serious as acoholism.


"It's hard to like someone who is making you deal with your sh1t. But in the end it's one of them whose going to help you give you your life back..""


It is hard to have someone who forces you to accually see yourself, but that may be what i need. I don't think i can "get my life back" though. Because my ED tendencies started so young (about the age of 5 and i stayed 25lbs until i was 7 && yes it caused A LOT of damage to my body). Getting my life back would be sticking with my ED...i think i need to get myself a new life lol



mallowcup:: "Didn't you say that you have anorexia? I would not have to speak with you for even 15 mintues to tell you I think that you have a problem. I would see before me a person who is deathly thin."

I am not deathly thin right now though.



dogandbooklover:: "Now, having said that, there really is no reason to be disgusted with yourself because you have anorexia. Just like an alcoholic doesn't necessarily have to be disgusted with himself because of his problem. It's the symptoms that are disgusting. Does that make sense?"

yeah it does make A LOT of sence =]..



"Your body reacts really weird to food because of all the abuse you've put it through. Like when someone is extremely thirsty and thay drink so much water they end up vomiting it up. Not on purpose but because they drank too much too fast. I'm not saying that you eat too quickly (though you might) I'm saying that your body has been damaged and you can learn to eat in a healthy way."

I accually neverr thought of it that way. Like i knew having an ED did some strange things to my body ((lower my immune system A LOT, purging burned little wholes in the back of my throat, things like that)) but i always thought that because i ate and got sick it ment i wasn't suppose to eat. Like God's way of telling me i'm fat.

denny57

Just want to throw in that I do both. Neither my therapist nor my doctor ever suggested drugs for me and I didn't want them. When I first started therapy, she categorized me as "severely depressed, non-suicidal." No drugs. That's why I suggest finding support that works for you - whatever that entails.

denny57

Hmmm. I have to wonder if you suffered from alcoholism if you'd then consider it a disease. Not to start that debate again LOL - I just think sometimes I used to have a lot more insight into my own conditions.

GirlInterrupted

My thing is that i don't mind being medicated. But they have had me on soo many different onse, onse i even had an ellergic reaction to. And it scared me. The one i am on now i am trying to get off of but it's so hard because it makes me feel like i am having heart palpitations or that the cells in my brain are exsploding. I hate it. If i need medicine, so be it. But i DON'T need the side effects.

And talking to someone could very well work if i find someone i like. I just always feel they don't understand or i feel REALLY guilty for telling them things. Just like i do about coming on here and telling people things. I feel like i am sining my telling people -his- business or even mine. If -he- knew i did this, he would kill me, litterally. Which is why i am glad i don't have to worry about what he says, or thinks, or does, or his opinion of me anymore. It's just going to take sometime to work through the guilt ((it's my least favorite feeling in the entire world)).

denny57

I hear you, GI. I still struggle, in therapy and at Al-Anon, with "telling." I now really understand, though, the saying "We are as sick as our secrets." Because nothing I've shared seems so awful once it's out in the open with those who understand and have been there, too.

I'd hate those side effects, too.

Done_With_It

Grasshoper do you know anything about anorexia and bulimia? Because what you said goes against everything that any hospital, any profesional, and anyone whose almost died from an e.d. would say....

Eating Disorders are not alcoholism, there is no AA or Alanon for being anorexic/bulimic..... And they don't throw you in there and just give you drugs..
I'm not trying to be a b1tch here, I've never seen a friend be able to help anyone through anorexia or bulimia..

You can stop drinking any day you want too. You can stop doing drugs any day you want too.
The day I wanted to stop doing meth, I did.. It was pure hell, but I did it.
I can never stop putting the thing I fear/hate the most into my body or I will die.
Every so often, I think I can and I try it again... Never works out....

Girl Interupted, I've had friends die, and I've gotten too close myself...
I get you've had your disorder since you were 5. I'm there w/you my Mom had one since I can remember, I don't remember a day when I wasn't worried about a calorie.

I'll stop again, but I really hope you turn the focus to yourself and get some help, you might think that you not affecting your body right now, but you will.
Dentures in your 20's, brittle bones, ughh, you think side effect from meds are bad, have your electrolytes ever been out of balance?
I'm lucky I didn't lose my teeth, but I did damage...
Get yourself some help w/this now, whatever kind of help that works for you, just don't get sucked into your e.d. over this more.. You are worth so much more than that....


<<<Anorexia nervosa is among the psychiatric conditions having the highest mortality rates, killing up to six percent of its victims.>>>

<<<<<To help people with anorexia nervosa overcome their disorder, a variety of approaches are used. Some form of psychotherapy is needed to deal with underlying emotional issues. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is sometimes used to change abnormal thoughts and behaviors. Group therapy is often advised so people can share their experiences with others. Family therapy is important particularly if the individual is living at home and is a young adolescent.>>>>>>>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS:

!!~~Death Rates: Young women that have anorexia nervosa are 12 times more likely to die other women her age without anorexia. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental disorders. The mortality rate is about 5% for each decade and increases up to 20% for patients that have the illness for more than 20 yrs.~!!!

As you look at the medical complications below, understand that this is just a partial list. Also remember, it is entirely possible to FULLY recover from an eating disorder!

Mental Functioning:

-Feeling dull
-Feeling Listless
-Difficulty concentrating or focusing
-Difficulty regulating mood
-Associated mental disorders: depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, substance abuse

Cardiovascular (Heart):

-Slow irregular, pulse
-Low blood pressure
-Dizziness or faintness
-Shortness of breath
-Chest pain
-Decreased potassium levels may result in life threatening cardiac arrhythmias or arrest
-Electrolyte imbalances may lead to life threatening cardiac arrhythmias or arrest
-Heart Attack

Muscular Skeletal (Bones):

-Stunted growth in children
-Stress fractures and broken bones more likely
-Osteoporosis

Mouth:

-Enamel erosion
-Loss of teeth
-Gum disease
-“Chipmunk cheeks”- swollen salivary glands from vomiting
-Sore throat because of induced vomiting

Esophagus:

-Painful burning in throat or chest
-May vomit blood from small tear(s) in esophagus
-Rupture of the esophagus, may lead to circulatory collapse and death

Endocrine System:

-Thyroid abnormalities
-Low energy or fatigue
-Cold intolerance
-Low body temperature
-Hair becomes thin and may fall out
-Development of fine body hair as the body’s attempt to keep war

Stomach:

-Stomach may swell following eating or binging (causes discomfort and bloating)
-Gastric rupture due to severe binge eating (gastric rupture has an 80% fatality rate)
-Vomiting causes severe electrolyte imbalance which can lead to sudden cardiac arrest.

Intestines:

-Normal movement in intestinal tract often slows down with very restricted eating and severe weight loss
-Frequent Constipation
-Chronic irregular bowel movements

Complications Associated with Laxative Abuse:

-Kidney complications
-“Cathartic colon,” refers to the colon’s inability to function normally without the use of large doses of laxatives due to the destruction of the nerves in the colon that control elimination
-Electrolyte imbalance
-Dehydration
-Potassium depletion
-Laxatives are habit forming

Complications Associated with Ipecac Abuse :

-Toxic to heart (irregular heart beat, rapid heart rate, cardiac arrest)
-Sudden death